To think MN is horrible about blended families?

[kungfullama]

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow.

Threads where ex wives are behaving horribly and withholding contact but are being defended because 'they were left' so somehow have the right to pass their bitterness onto their kids.

Posters screaming LTB at the slightest bit of conflict between dc and stepparents as if conflict doesn't ever occur in traditional families too.

Insinuating that new partners are just flash in the pan 'boyfriends' even when the relationship is long term or they're married.

Blended families can be complicated and the dynamics might be slightly different. But I know for a fact my dc lives are so much better with their bio parents apart and made considerably richer with the involvement of their two loving stepparents. I don't see us as being lesser than a traditional family. Not sure why others do.

Yes. There's a reason the evil stepparent trope is thousands of years old.

OP, you have to bear in mind that when people post about blended families on here it's because things aren't going well- no one posts to say how brilliantly things are going because they don't need to post. Instead it's endless posts about step-mums hating their step-kids (when it's obvious that the partner is the one who's actually the problem, or else the mum just wishes the step kids would fuck off and not be around any more), new arsehole partners at loggerheads with children, or the really sad ones where someone posts about their horrible sullen teenager and it only comes out gradually that the mum has moved them half way across the country and away from their friends to live with some bloke...obviously the replies to posts like that are going to point out that not a lot of thought has been given to the children. If anything, I think people tend to be too understanding of the parents and not critical enough of how they have put themselves ahead of their kids.

I don’t have first hand experience of this but for most people I know who have or are from a blended family, it’s shit.

The only exception as pp have said is if the step parent moves in when the child is very young, so they basically grow up with them. Or on the other end of the scale, if they move in once the child has reached adulthood/gone off to uni etc. Obtaining a step father between the ages of about 5-17 is in most cases bloody awful from what I’ve heard. Statistically, the risk of abuse happening in the household also absolutely sky rockets - having a step father/live in mother’s partner is the no.1 predictor of abuse.

Statistics don’t lie. Child abuse occurs in homes where there is a step parent arrangement much more often than biological parents.

Those old fairy tales told this story because it was true.

That's not what anyone was talking about though!! Totally different.

I agree with others they can frequently be awful and entirely about the parents needs. Doesn't mean all are but I think plenty are (and my own experience as a child was crap although My Mum would have said the same as you!)

It wouldn't surprise me if every member of my Brothers blended family was on here, letting off steam. They get on alright on public occasions but we can all see it's tense.
He was a rubbish new dad and a terrible EOW parent. I don't know what new step mum was thinking picking up the tricky tween years when hers were nearly off to uni.
So they have hers 22 & 20 his 17 and 15 all of them screwed up in different ways, all needing love bombing security but having to share and compete with each other whilst the grown ups desperately trying and claw time to bond together without them.
I feel so sorry for the whole bloody lot of them and wish they could have just held off the blending for a couple more years.

The successful blended families in our family are the ones that got together in their 50s or when one parent brought no kids to the marriage and then no combined kids. My cousin is an amazing stepdad, totally there for them. My second cousin trod a egg shell path at great sacrifice to her, she did it beautifully and is incredibly loved.

A successful blended family like your own is lovely but can’t you understand why those that aren’t so successful are deeply upsetting for those involved? Particularly the kids? I think the posts we see on MN often involve one or both parents prioritising their own needs and feelings above the children and they quite rightfully get called out for this.

There ARE happy and grateful stepmums though! We do exist. I have never been on the step-parenting board, so my positive experience would not be seen there.

Nope. Don't see anyone who has said that?!

Parent wanting new relationship after divorce who behaves appropriately, dates privately and only introduces their kids to serious partners and models healthy relationships = totally fine

Thirsty parents who hate being alone and introduce a string of bf/gfs then shack up with the first willing participant and force their kids to have step siblings = selfish

In my husband's family, the father's re-marrying and then apparently prioritising the children of the new family (he would say he didn't) has caused untold damage to the children and all of their relationships. All people involved are "nice", "decent" people - no abuse, effective co-parenting etc. But the children are now in their late 30s/early 40s and two are in therapy, while the third has chosen to pretend it's all ok/ignorance is bliss approach.

Yes, the children had a "happy" childhood in terms of good schools, nice holidays, extra curriculars, etc. plus no big arguments etc. But the relationships are really, really bad (whilst being terribly British, so everyone tries to pretend it's fine). All of them have serious insecurities, trying to meet up as a whole family is a nightmare as so many issues come up. Plus whatever the dad and his new wife do is interpreted as favouring one child or another and leads to lots of bitterness.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful the second family happened as otherwise my husband wouldn't exist! But the parents definitely thought all was fine with the kids and they were one big happy family. But to say their mental health is messed up is a big understatement! Unfortunately this is now trickling down to the next generation and the relationships between the cousins is strained/distant.

It probably partly depends on the kids? I can't see my DS1 ever being comfortable living with an unrelated man if I left my DP and I would prefer not to put him in that situation.

The man I am now married to, is not my (adult) children's father. I left him when they were 11 & 9 years old. I went on to meet my now DH, and have been with him for 16 years now. They do like their stepfather and we all get on, but I am under no illusion, that they would have preferred for me and their Dad to stay together. It was impossible for me, as he was consistently unfaithful. But of course their lives would have been easier had we not separated. For a start, their childhood was spent shuffling between 2 homes. And their Dad won't speak to me, because I had the audacity to leave him, which makes family events difficult. Unless one parent was abusive towards the children, I would imagine that 100% of kids would rather live with both biological parents.

No they don't. You really aren't reading them properly if that's your take. Your reply however proves their point, tbh. Maybe it's possible that your family is one of the very rare ones that improve the lives of the children. But even if it is, that doesn't change that for most kids, a parent's new marriage, takes more than it gives. Usually far, far more.

However your replies are so deliberately ignorant of that fact, that it suggests that maybe your blended family isn't as happy as you are maintaining. Otherwise you'd be happy to be the exception, not denying the lived experience of others.

First post nailed it.

It's interesting that a lot of second marriages break down . I think it's because both sets of parents in the marriage put their own children first (as they should)

Add to that money , ex partners and in laws and it can be a lethal cocktail of resentment and friction.

All my friends who are or have been in blended family relationships all say they would never have got involved if they had their time again .

Of course some blended families do work and that's great .

My mum would have said that my life was better with the addition of a step parent and step siblings too, but she was wrong.

I agree with this. Most adults think they have a successful blended family. The kids, not so much. And I don’t mean the kids are always terribly unhappy, just that their home isn’t their sanctuary in the same way it would be without their step parent/siblings,

Fist post nailed it.

I don’t pay too much attention to blended family threads but I have seen a few where the OP has chosen a partner who already has a child, has her own kids with him then can’t seem to deal with her DHs child being part of the family, upsetting their ‘little unit’.. like they hoped their DH would just forget his older child and they could pretend to be a nuclear family. I find that really frustrating to read- just choose somebody without kids!

Updating to say I think it can work OK where there is just a new partner and no new children. This happened with my cousin - he married a single mum who had two kids. Their dad is not on the scene at all. My cousin met them at 6 and 4, married their mum when they were 12 and 10 and is fully their "dad" now at 17 and 15. No kids on his side and no new kids within the family. Plus took their time to move in and get married and he asked the kids' permission first!

While my step sisters are the scum of the earth (step brother is ok), my step family is great!
Step dad is fine, but I do have my own dad, who is also great.
But the extended step family? Its been an amazing addition ti my life! Ive gained aunts and uncles and cousins galore and I love it!
And when I was a kid I did like all my stepsiblings. But as we got older certain things came to light that made me see them for who they are.

Never lived with them, they were older, and lived with their mother, but we spent many holidays together!

It just seems like the ultimate set up for millions of petty resentments and minor emotional cruelties that children can do without. It’s a story that the child has no say in.

Glad it’s worked it for you… I hope it works out for your children. I would never bring a stepfather into my child’s life, as I wouldn’t risk her like that 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP, you have to bear in mind that when people post about blended families on here it's because things aren't going well

I don't know why people keep posting stuff like this. Nobody is basing their opinion on blended families entirely on MN posts, surely?

They're awful on MN threads and they're awful in real life.

Where I come from, the nuclear family is very much the norm. It's very rare to have a blended family. Each to their own but I couldn't imagine anything worse.

Um, no, but OP is specifically about what MN thinks/sees as if its representative, which can only take from what is posted on here, hence people are pointing out the bias in that context.

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow.