To think MN is horrible about blended families?

[kungfullama]

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow.

Threads where ex wives are behaving horribly and withholding contact but are being defended because 'they were left' so somehow have the right to pass their bitterness onto their kids.

Posters screaming LTB at the slightest bit of conflict between dc and stepparents as if conflict doesn't ever occur in traditional families too.

Insinuating that new partners are just flash in the pan 'boyfriends' even when the relationship is long term or they're married.

Blended families can be complicated and the dynamics might be slightly different. But I know for a fact my dc lives are so much better with their bio parents apart and made considerably richer with the involvement of their two loving stepparents. I don't see us as being lesser than a traditional family. Not sure why others do.

Oh well yeah when you put it like that it makes sense because you have to know they don't have ulterior motives. I was more looking at it from the perspective of a single mother like my friend wanting to date a single dad. Otherwise you've got the issue of whether the guy wants kids and whether you have more with him so he doesn't miss out on fatherhood which keeps popping up on threads here and causing issues.

Same. I don't have any kids of my own and didn't want to meet anyone with kids. Nothing against the kids but a few of my friends had had so many problems with their partners ex's causing drama.

I remember picking my DSD and her 2 friends up from dance class and having 3 6yos singing and sqealing in the back of my car, and thinking a few years ago I was driving a sports car! Haha! Wouldn't change it for the world though. Stepmotherhood has been the making of me.

That’s lovely. My stepkids have definitely enriched my life. I’m very close to two of them now.

This exactly. Why are some posters so desperate to ‘prove’ that anyone who has had a happy experience either as a child or adult in a blended family (or both in my case) is either lying or delusional? Of course some are happy. As are some bio families. Some are unhappy, as are some bio families.

Our kids were actually a huge part of why we did move in together. We unexpectedly formed a support bubble during covid. Our kids (each only children) loved having someone to hang out with. Yes there were some teething troubles along the way just as many many bio families struggled with lockdown.

I am very lucky that everyone around us has just accepted our family with none of this negativity on here. The grandparents have simply gained another child to love and have thrown themselves into making them feel part of our extended family, my husband and I will each pick up childcare issues for both the kids, not just our bio ones, neither or us try to replace the other parent, we are simply another adult in our step child’s life that loves them very much. Some of the step family stories on here shock me but that’s mumsnet for you!!

I am sure those posters who simply cannot bear the fact that some blended families can genuinely be happy will pile on to tell me that is a very particular set of circumstances but that’s the point. Every family has a particular set of circumstances and I those people on here determined to force the issue that all blended families MUST be unhappy ones are the ones kidding themselves.

The reason so many fight back so hard is people grasp onto the 1 happy family out of 100 and go see it works it’s not a problem.

It’s lovely that it’s worked truly is but that doesn’t change adult step children who say their parents / step parents think it worked and it did not and has not worked.

Unfortunately as the parent or step parent you are very unlikely to find out their true feelings on this honestly unless they decide to say so often once they have had their own children. When you suddenly find out they don’t want you to be granny or grandpa to their children just grandpas wife or granny husbands. Or your grandad Mike rather than just grandpa upon their insistence. When your never the side they want to babysit. Or that’s all they use you for rather than fun days out.

So it’s quite hard to truly believe a parent or step parent of say a teenager going ours is wonderful. It works. We all love each other very much like just a normal large family. Knowing you sat there hearing the same things as that child. As that teenager hating it and just biding your time. Smiling when meant to and saying the right words to keep everyone happy.

So when a step child says they had a great blended family as a child amazing. When a adult says their step children love it… hmmmm

But yet I’ve also been the child who was truly happy in a blended family. Who does comment as an adult that it was a wonderful family. And I have friends who say the same (as well as friends who had an unhappy blended family experience). Just as I have friends who grew up in both happy and unhappy bio families.

What I struggle with is this need for people to prove the majority of step families are unhappy and we are the very minor exceptions. I don’t believe this is true from my experience and friends’ experiences. Yes, there is obviously potential for it to go wrong and in a lot of cases it does. And in a lot it doesn’t. That’s life unfortunately. People will have different views based on their own experiences. It’s this need to force the point, and the tone of many posters who belittle step families, call us delusional and imply we’re all happily offering our children up as sacrifices that causes offence. The term ‘Frankenstein family’, comparing single parents prioritising stability as offering up access to their kids for £40k etc. The tone of some of the posters is simply horrible.

It's not about "offering up" children for money. A poster claimed a good reason to move someone in is to gain an extra income. But no sane adult would want someone else's choice of man and child to move into their home for an extra income, knowing they couldn't leave. Some poster claimed she would do that but I think we all know that's bullshit.

Also, not a single person has said blending NEVER works. It rarely works, and when it does it's in rare circumstances that don't apply in most cases.

The people advocating for children are really not upset that you and a few other posters weren't miserable as kids.

It’s always really heartening to hear of happy step families. But I think some of the angriest posters have really suffered themselves as children and I can see that having your concerns swept under the carpet as a child when you are relatively powerless to alter things ( and everyone is saying how “adaptable” you are, when in fact you are just wholly reliant and without options) must make you want to speak out loudly once you do have a voice that will be listened to. And I think the fairest thing is to listen to their view too.

It's fine to listen to their view, it fine to have that view - and I agree that there is great power in speaking your truth especially if you have previously been silenced. But to insist that anyone with a different experience is delusional or lying is a other thing entirely.

It really does sound as if some PPs suffered great trauma, and they have highlighted their awful experiences of blended families. They are angry and rightly so. But they can't rewrite everyone else's story, they cannot speak on behalf of children in families they know NOTHING about.

Yes I’d agree with that. But I understand the desire to speak on behalf of those children is not badly motivated.

Children depend on adults speaking up on their behalf. That’s just an unfortunate reality.

I think also the commonly held view is that blended families are great, and children are resilient. People are completely correct to challenge that view on behalf of the children who can't.

This. I think what I haven’t liked about this thread is that in the majority of the posts from people from happy step families the poster readily accepts there can be miserable experiences too. As I have said in pretty much every post I’ve made on here. But those who have had unhappy experiences are adamant that a happy experience is almost impossible and have resorted to using offensive terms for example Frankenstein family. I can only hope they never use terms like this to describe blended families in front of their own children. My son and step daughter would be far more upset by hearing this in the playground than by anything relating directly to our family set up.

Happy and unhappy experiences in all types of families. Some families where there has been previous hurt and sadness have to work harder to ensure everyone is happy most of the time.

Listening to people works both ways.

For those of us that have suffered in stepfamilies, it's not just about wanting to speak after being silenced (although that is part of it), it's also about wanting to educate. Neither of my parents intended to hurt me when they got on with their romantic lives after the divorce. They simply didn't know. They had no idea of how to manage the situation.

If a biological parent reads these posts and then reflects and plans the transition more carefully, I'd be very pleased that my contribution has helped an unknown child somewhere. Because I believe stepfamilies can work if they are build by a good leader (of a parent) on solid foundations, carefully considering the needs of each and every person in the family - and going at a pretty slow pace.

This myth that the kids are happy if the parents are happy is very harmful. All I'm calling for is a bit of restraint and reflection on the part of the parent(s). And I'm not calling for that for me (it's too late for me!) but for the sake of unhappy children out there who will never know who I am.

An excellent post.

Thank you for such a measured post which I absolutely agree with. I am sorry you had an unpleasant experience but it’s lovely to see you acknowledge that these families can be successful.

Solid foundations, considering everyone’s needs and taking things slowly, restraint and reflection. Arguably lots of bio families could benefit from this approach too but it is of course true that this is even more important in blending families.