To think MN is horrible about blended families?

[kungfullama]

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow.

Threads where ex wives are behaving horribly and withholding contact but are being defended because 'they were left' so somehow have the right to pass their bitterness onto their kids.

Posters screaming LTB at the slightest bit of conflict between dc and stepparents as if conflict doesn't ever occur in traditional families too.

Insinuating that new partners are just flash in the pan 'boyfriends' even when the relationship is long term or they're married.

Blended families can be complicated and the dynamics might be slightly different. But I know for a fact my dc lives are so much better with their bio parents apart and made considerably richer with the involvement of their two loving stepparents. I don't see us as being lesser than a traditional family. Not sure why others do.

I was going to say similar - and with next relationship lasting.

I have seen one where there was an existing child - mother had died and dad of other family had fucked off - that one worked for kids as new dad brought stability.

I can also think of few cases where there are new children but step father didn't favour own kids and many that were fine but new shared kids brought up problems.

In most cases adults don't really want to hear it's not great.

All families created via adoption are blended families, on the whole we’re doing pretty well thanks.

You're surprised people don't like their exes and kids that aren't theirs? Really?

Do you think anyone here is referring to families created by adoption or are you just wilfully co-opting offence?

That's really not what 'blended family' is referring to in this context. No one even mentioned adoption...

I don’t think of blended families as ‘lesser’.

Actually, the posts from step parents on here have been the most eye opening thing I’ve seen about blended families. Women who have started relationships knowing that the man has children and then resent those children’s presence in his life. Not being comfortable with step children being in the house. Regarding their family unit as themselves, their partner and shared DC and seeing SC as separate. Refusing to put themselves out for SC because they’re not their responsibility. It’s really surprising to me that people can live with a child for years and still feel no emotional connection to them.

Exactly, the "blended" family people who have a perfectly ordinary happy time are not reaching out for help on MN, so it gives a skewed picture. I brought up my now adult stepdaughters from when they were 12. I had my own child when my stepdaughters were 16 and 14. We were and are a very happy, loving and successful family.

All families created via adoption are blended families, no one needs to specifically mention adoption because all families created via adoption are blended families, so automatically included.

I've just never seen a blended family that looks like it's working well, not one, they all look fractious in their own way and a complication I wouldn't deal with, for the sake of my kids. The whole concept of having a second family just doesn't sit very well with me, I don't understand the sense of entitlement that each new relationship requires a child, I don't think it's in the pre existing children's best interests. Controversial I know, may well be some that buck the trend, but it's how I feel. I was always hugely grateful my parents didn't have children in their second marriages and that I wasn't forced to blend with step siblings.

Yanbu

I guess it's not surprising that some don't but it's not my experience. My ex's wife is lovely and always has been to my dc. She does things like makes sure they have Mother's Day cards for me and buys gifts for my younger dc on birthdays. At big events like parties and weddings we all get together and there is no animosity at all.

I appreciate this isn't the case for all ex's and many do have acrimony that will not be good for the children.

But as a pp said, it's not the good ones you hear about on here often I suppose.

I am really horrified by the number of people posting that they believe adults who have children are “selfish” or obviously wrong for having a second relationship—even for wanting a second romantic relationship. One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is modeling a happy, generous, loving, couple relationship. How are they to know how to be coupled or how to parent if they have never seen what that looks like?

OP- it's a forum. If a women's husband leaves her, but she gets over it and moves on, she isn't likely to post about it is she? So you get all the posters who've recently had this happen and haven't had time to heal, or are still bitter years later.

Same with blended families. DH grew up in a blended family, and whilst his parents divorce was hard on him, he's always liked his SF and SM and is very close to his half-sister. He has lots of happy childhood memories. But the people who are likely to post are the ones where there is a problem, or who are angry about their childhood experience.

TL:DR- the view you get here is very skewed

Perhaps you want a sidebar discussion of adoption-related blended families? Otherwise I'd say it's blindingly clear that the blended families under discussion aren't including those specific circumstances.

I think it’s just a tough one, sometimes it will work perfectly, sometimes it won’t, and a lot of the time children don’t speak out about how they really felt until adulthood.

It is always going to come with risks and issues when you bring 2 families together, a child having 4 parents instead of 2, a child living with other children in different houses is always going to increase the chance of conflict or disagreement or unhappiness. Getting along (or not) with 1 siblings vs getting along with 1 sibling + 2 step-siblings at mum’s house and 1 sibling + 2 step-siblings at dad’s house. It just is naturally a bigger and more complex set up, and naturally the more people involved the more chance there is that some don’t get along, don’t work in the same house etc.

That’s not to say they are always unhappy but it would be naive to say the risk of someone not getting along isn’t higher with more people involved, that’s just natural.

Does it matter, OP?

You have made your decision. If you are happy with it and happy that it was made with the best interests of the children at heart and are truly comfortable with the life they have, why does it matter that other people wouldn't choose that for their children?

Would you judge a parent who remained single and chose not to introduce a step parent?

Only because so many of the posts are ‘my kids vs his’ which is so sad. There’s also a lot of slagging off of the ex without thinking’is there a reason she’s not the most well adjusted’ or ‘was she always like that or just now she no longer has her child’s dad to lean on?’ I’m sure the world is full of modern family type blended families that are generally successful but they won’t need to post!!

Yep. I'm a totally solo mum to my 8 year old. I've tried dating but it definitely wasn't in his interests. I've now pretty much decided to stay single until he's well into his teens, and don't think I'd ever live with a partner until my son is grown up.
But that has a huge impact, as you said, on my income, energy level etc. if I could guarantee finding a wonderful man who would care for him like his own child, maybe I would consider it, but even just dating had such an emotional toil on me that means I can't be the best mum I can be.

I'm not judging anyone and it doesn't matter to me other than the fact I've noticed a common theme on here and discussed it.

I see a lot of posts on here, usually by Step Mothers that claim SC shouldn't be prioritised because 'they don't live here all the time'. They're treat the SC as a kind of inconvenience and not a real part of their family. But they don't live anywhere all of the time and parents should be prioritising their children's needs. Often posters get accused of being 'jealous exs' or part of the 'first wives club' for calling out bad parenting when really they are often people still with their husband who cannot imagine treating their children so poorly.

Because 90% of 'blended' families are a pile of shit. Formed and smashed together based on whoever the parent is currently shagging.

Hell would freeze over before I stuffed my kids into various box rooms with kids they aren't related to

I agree that many children are much better off with their parents apart. I disagree that most kids in blended families are better off though. Many blended families exist because of money or purely because the adults wanting to be together. The blended families who work are a tiny minority and if that’s your family then great but you are kidding yourself if you think that your situation is usual.

I think mumsnet is realistic.

And I say that as someone who is no longer with the father of their children and has a partner AND had a step father.

When lender families genuinely work, it’s great. But, unfortunately, they often don’t. And it’s not shocking to see why.

Bringing new people into a family changes the dynamic. The more people you involve, the harder it is to blend well. So a new partner and a couple of more kids, means a good chance no everyone will be happy.

Then there’s often ex to consider. Maybe 2 exs, who need to be considered in plans. And maybe they have more kids or step kids. All impacting the whole set up.

and there’s tons of adults who grew up in blended families, who weren’t happy but haven’t told their parents. If it worked for you. That’s great. But why be so bothered if your blended family worked so well? Those threads aren’t about you. That advice isn’t about you. If someone gives advice and I can’t relate to the situation they are advising on, why would I be bothered?

I don’t live with Dp. I don’t ever plan on marrying him. Other people’s opinions mean nothing. Other people’s opinions on whether someone else should get married or should live with their partner, has no impact on me. It produces no emotional response because it’s not relevant to me.

Blended families can work ofcourse! But it takes time to adapt and consider the needs of all parties involved which is what many people don't want to do- take the time

I have a very close friend who within the space of 18months has left her husband, moved into a rented house for just over a year with their dc, started a relationship around 12 months ago, and is now in the final stages of buying a house together with him.
This new partner has 2 dc of his own.

Now not only is dear friend waxing lyrical about how wonderful life is and how they have "blended" due to weekends together and a one off villa holiday in the summer but how amazing it all is

I do feel I take my friends who are in a blended families outlook on how great it is with a pinch of salt as I can see how on some occasions your really want to convince others around you it was the best thing for everyone even if cracks start to show

Blended families aren't new, I have loads in my family tree due to the Napoleonic War, WW1, WW2, disease, death in child birth etc.