To think MN is horrible about blended families?

[kungfullama]

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow.

Threads where ex wives are behaving horribly and withholding contact but are being defended because 'they were left' so somehow have the right to pass their bitterness onto their kids.

Posters screaming LTB at the slightest bit of conflict between dc and stepparents as if conflict doesn't ever occur in traditional families too.

Insinuating that new partners are just flash in the pan 'boyfriends' even when the relationship is long term or they're married.

Blended families can be complicated and the dynamics might be slightly different. But I know for a fact my dc lives are so much better with their bio parents apart and made considerably richer with the involvement of their two loving stepparents. I don't see us as being lesser than a traditional family. Not sure why others do.

My own blended family bought me nothing but sadness. Having your Dad play happy families with another woman’s children and then your half siblings whilst you are left behind. No thanks. Blended families are for the adults, not the children.

Blended families are as unpredictable as any other family. Some nuclear family set ups are toxic and damaging to the kids and some step families are an absolute gift to a child. I suspect people don't gloat on MN when it's all going well, only to vent about it when it isn't.

My parents would say the same as you. And to be honest, it is complicated because I love my stepmum and she's always been wonderful (my mum stayed single until I'd left home). But even with a lovely stepparent and stepsiblings who are a lot older so never direct 'competition', I still found growing up in a blended family hard.

There's just something about having a non related adult in your home 🤷‍♀️

And being brutally honest, the idea of potential half siblings made me anxious for years, I would have hated to have siblings who lived with my parent full time while I came and went (luckily this was never something I had to deal with).

The issue is, articulating any of these feelings as a child/teen is incredibly hard so many parents think everything is fine. Divorce is so common now that many parents assume that if their children appear to be coping well everything is ok. And that means they don't think of providing therapy etc, even though it may be useful for their children.

"In reality the children would rather just live with their biological family"...

Even if the biological parents were permanently fighting, shouting at each other, undermining each other, taking their bitterness and frustration out on the kids, or just sunk in a slough of resentment and misery rather than split up??

I have known several people (adults) whose lives were wrecked or at least permanently damaged by parents who should have got divorced but stuck it out 'for the kids' or some other reason best known to themselves.

Would love to see the source of your 90% statistic.

I suppose ours is simpler in that neither my dh or my ex's wife brought children into the relationship although there are now younger half siblings on both sides. But no step siblings. And everyone has their own (decent sized) bedroom.

You're not wrong.

I think Mumsnet is a bit of an unfair place to draw assumptions from about blended families from because a lot of people posting in here will be single parents, looking for support from other people or those in relationships that aren’t working looking for advice. It makes it a bit biased!

We have a blended family and I never really mention it on here or in real life, we’re just a family. And it works well, as well as any other family with its usual good days and bad days. I met dh when dd was quite young, we’ve been together over 15 years now and have a son together now too (kids are now a teenager and a young adult). Dd and Ds have been treated exactly the same, we pool all our income, I’m a disabled but stay at home parent so I don’t work and dh and I have the same spending money, we’re equals in all regards. We’ve never really argued about anything, no horrible rows with the dc, dd views step dad as Dad. She still has some contact with her own Dad but he’s not a great dad at all, so maybe that’s helped the dynamics. No idea. But it works for us. I wouldn’t have wanted to spend the rest of dds childhood on my own, and thankfully I didn’t because now she has a step dad she loves and a younger brother she adores.

Perhaps I have rose tinted glasses on because my absolute favourite adult growing up was my Grandad - who wasn’t biologically my Grandad at all, he was someone my Gran married when she was in her 50s, and I grew up with him being every bit my real Grandad. So I don’t think being related as such makes such a big deal, my own Mum was absolutely vile.

A family is what you make it, and a blended family can be a wonderful one.

I divorced when my kids were teens and my parents got divorced when I was a teen. My mum went on to meet someone new and he moved in with her, once that happened I don't think I ever stayed at her place again. Not because he was horrible or anything but it changed the dynamic of her home and I felt more like an inconvenience than part of the family. I couldn't treat it as my home anymore, it was their home now.

This has allowed me to see these situations from the child's point of view and I wouldn't want to put my own kids though that. I want them to feel safe and relaxed around me. Also, I wouldn't want to live with my kids boyfriends/girlfriends so I don't impose a new man on them either. I doubt I will ever live with a man again but if I do it will be once they have moved out.

I don't know why your options are stay in an unhappy marriage or live alone forever. You can have significant relationships without living together. To me that's the best of both worlds.

My dad and stepmam modelled a really healthy relationship. But that was overshadowed by a really tricky, uneasy, and at times uncomfortable relationship with my step siblings. They were nice people, but had we met in any other circumstances, we wouldn’t have had anything to do with each other.

The only thing we really had in common was our parents loved each other. And so you know, that was enough to get us though birthday meals, and Christmas get togethers etc. But it wasn’t enough when we were all tired and had to sit and eat tea together on a random Wednesday. ‘oh but my dad loves their mam’ didn’t make me feel more comfortable leaving my room in my pjs, or make it any less frustrating that they hated the programme my siblings and liked to watch, so we always had to choose something else. I always describe (my experience of) having step siblings as spending multiple days a week with your in-laws, whether you feel like it or not.

I think it's pretty telling that you zoned in on "ex wives behaving horribly" and "bitterness".
It's just more pointless competing with the first family. Happy people don't need to be this defensive.

I think we are lumping many different types of scenarios under the term "blended families". Clearly some families involving step-parenting and half-siblings or step-siblings can and do work well and others don't, depending on what other factors are in play. My own "blended family" is nothing like some of the situations you see on MN, but still involves the elements of step-parenting and half-siblings. (I am not trying to boast, just saying that they are not all the same thing. As has been demonstrated by someone pointing out that a family with adopted children can be considered a "blended" family too).

Perhaps we need to address why so many biological families are resorting to divorce
I am sure there are many reasons but the sheer number is beyond ridiculous
It really makes the think that zero effort is being put into some marriages and people are starting families when they really shouldn't be

@Pigeonqueen it is an interesting point about your own history. My "dad" was actually my stepdad (I never knew bio dad though) and my grandad was my step-grandad (also someone my granny married in later life and a lot better than the bio grandad who had no interest in me whatsoever and ran off with his mistress when I was 5). So maybe I am predisposed not to think that biological relationships are necessarily the be-all and end-all.

Grew up in a ‘blended family’ although that name wasn’t yet invented to make it sound better. Would not ever inflict it on my children. Utterly self centred, gas lighting shit show. I would have preached to everyone well into my twenties how wonderful it all was as it was drilled into me.

I think the bottom line is you need to put a lot more thought into who you are having children with. How you are going to look after and pay for them. The time and financial commitment is huge. There hasn’t been the societal shame of yesteryear so a lot more people have had kids with various partners with more ‘blending’ going on.

Like someone said earlier though, the kids of these situations grow up eventually and remember how shit it all is. They then try to do better. Perhaps that’s the next evolution from ‘blending’. Hopefully.

I think there is plenty of justification for the skepticism myself. Blending is about what parents want. Children have no say.

I do think that is the key. My stepdad’s daughter was grownup and lived away when he moved in. I met her, obviously, but she wasn’t part of the day to day. That household was very easy to live in. My stepmam had children still living at home, that blended family was far harder to be a part of. Purely because there was a group of children ‘forced’ to be together who’s only thing they had in common was that their parents had married.

I agree. It's a selfish decision based on what the adults want. How is sharing your home with people you have no choice over in any way for the benefit of a child, especially when the children don't get along, different parenting styles and dealing with another adult who is not your parent. Utterly selfish imo.

It's definitely a bit of a taboo to admit publicly, but I don't think blended families work for children at all. I think it can lead to unhappiness and resentment at best, outright abuse at worst.

@soupfiend said that blended families have been a thing for centuries and yes that's true but a look at the court rolls from almost any period in history and you will see that they have also caused a LOT of problems too for all involved (especially children from first marriages - sooooo many inheritance lawsuits).

As for 'ordinary' people the so called peasant and yeomans classes throughout history - well they had less ability to take their blended family problems to court, but they did tell each other folktales about them, centuries of folktales which were eventually compiled by the Grimm Brothers. And the trope of the 'wicked stepmother' or evil step-siblings is EXTREMELY common....for a reason.

It's interesting to see everyone's viewpoints and experiences. I'm sorry to those who have had less than ideal times as part of a blended family.

I suppose the top and bottom of it is that there are good and parents and good and bad stepparents and ultimately good and bad families.

I genuinely believe my children are happier in our scenario and that's not just for my own selfish needs as some posters have implied. I think their lives have been fuller and richer with the addition of two good stepparents. That's not to say we haven't ever experienced issues but we are a family and I do the best I can for all of my dc everyday.

It's a self selecting group. Those who are in happy blended families aren't going to post. Those that have conflict are going to post. If you look at the relationship board and take it as representative you'd think most people are in unhappy relationships.

As a whole this site seems to fucking hate step children.

I also think many blended families on here haven't taken any time to assess what they are getting into. Especially when it comes to previous wife. A lot of:
I am not doing xy for her, I don't want to interact with her etc...
If you are with her ex husband and kids are involved then she IS your family.

It's not the step children they hate
They are the victims

Blended family here and genuinely it is for the best. My son’s step father is the best parent he’s ever had, provided for him more in five years than his father has. Took him to his first football game, taught him to ride a bike and both children love and adore each other. Is it perfect? Nope. Are some days extremely hard? Yep. But on the whole, it is a much better life than we would have had if we were still with the biological father or on our own. By the looks of it though, I am extremely lucky.

Blended families are almost always shit for the step mum