To think MN is horrible about blended families?

[kungfullama]

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow.

Threads where ex wives are behaving horribly and withholding contact but are being defended because 'they were left' so somehow have the right to pass their bitterness onto their kids.

Posters screaming LTB at the slightest bit of conflict between dc and stepparents as if conflict doesn't ever occur in traditional families too.

Insinuating that new partners are just flash in the pan 'boyfriends' even when the relationship is long term or they're married.

Blended families can be complicated and the dynamics might be slightly different. But I know for a fact my dc lives are so much better with their bio parents apart and made considerably richer with the involvement of their two loving stepparents. I don't see us as being lesser than a traditional family. Not sure why others do.

Maybe it is just the unhappy people who post on here? I know several families where it seems to work very well and certainly everybody involved is happier than they were before. I have never understood the constant harping on on Mumsnet that a single mother should not introduce new partners for extended periods of time or remarry. I have always felt that a happy confident mother is best for her children and a new partner can be a very positive thing.

Um, yeah, but it still doesn't make sense to assume people posting on MN are basing all their opinions on other MN posts. So it's irrelevant that most posts from OPs in blended families are moaning.

Children have no say in loads and loads of things. They're children, the adults make decisions for them. Petty resentments and minor emotional cruelty? Well, OK, but these can come from literally anywhere in a child's life - including, but not exclusive to, a 'non-blended' family.

I agree with this. I have no skin in this game but from friends I see that the kids really do just put up with it. And the adults need for a relationship gets put first.

One of my friends ha stayed single for her DS and I do think it was the right decision for her son. Not for her, but surely parenting means you put their needs before yours?

I don't feel its easy to judge this unless you have had the experience of being a child living in a blended family situation. My thoughts are as long as the four parents involved treated the respective step children exactly the same way as they treat their biological children showering them all with love & care then I'm sure it could be a wonderful existence all concerned.

My Stepdad is one of the best people in my life. I love him dearly (much more than I ever loved my bio dad. that stopped when I started realising what a nasty man he was) and he's been a massive positive influence in my life. he took me on when I was a hormonal teenager who had and still was being horribly bullied all through my education, and he was really very young to take on that responsibility. he's always been there for me.
there weren't other children involved, but him being part of my life is only a good thing. yeah, we annoy each other sometimes. especially back then. but we love each other.

I find this a very interesting discussion as i left my ex when my children were babies and have been living alone with them for 10 years. I have no intention to move my partner in because i want the children to have stability. I think deep down he also likes his own space even though to him, a normal family live together.

So finding another human being to love and support and visa versa is just a convenience? We should absolutely remain single until our children have left home and married themselves?

You need to bring yourself into the 21st century, blended families absolutely can and do work, we don’t all live in a fairytale where we remain virgins until we meet our husbands and have a boy and girl and stay blissfully happy forever.

Hardly irrelevant. If there were lots of posts on here about happy blended families there'd be more discussion of that with positive points of view that would give more of the balance that the OP wants. But as the nature of the site is that people post when there's a problem, others share similar experiences and POVs which are negative about blended families. It doesn't mean everyone has only negative views on the subject. If a thread was about, say, a what to wear at a wedding for a second marriage, there'd be a more positive vibe. People wouldn't be piping up with their bad experiences of blended families. It's always relevant to remember the skewed nature of discussions on here compared to the more complex conversations, encounters and opinions people can share in real life.

As a step child. I’d never inflict a step parent or half or step siblings upon my own children. Nor would any of my friends who where step children.

My friends who are step parents without prior children say they would never do it again.

I think the cases where it works are majority step father with no children of their own including not then going onto have some with the new wife.

I think step mothers get the worst deal and are often the worst type of step family. Often because of shittt men who expect them to step up and do all the “women’s” work. Women then resents doing it for the Disney dad, then has her or already has her own children and often resents the step children’s time and money being taken away from her own.

There are a lot of MNers who are very judgemental of blended families.

There are also a lot of MNers who are willing to be honest about blended families in a way that very few people will in real life. Very few people are willing to admit that successfully blending families is very, very hard work and not in the children's interests in a pretty high proportion of cases.

@kungfullama I think it's wonderful that your blended family works.

My stepfather is a prince among men - loved by his biological children, my mom, us and my extended family. My friend married a man who you cannot tell isn't her daughter's dad and they had two more children. My sister remarried and her husband is an amazing stepdad to my niece/nephews. Now they're adults, those boys call him first when they need to get something done.

I know, however, that we won the step-parents' lottery, because I also see the shitshow that happens in step-families around me.

My ex says as an adult says he can see that his step-mom was a kind woman who given the chance, would've been good to him and his brothers, buttttt - his mom was a 'force to be reckoned with' and to avoid conflicts, his step-mom just stayed out of their way so they don't have much of a relationship.

Some of the scenarios I read about on MN make me want to weep for the poor children, so there's often nothing else to advise but to put an end to the shitshow.

I've been single for 9 years and to avoid the very unlikely chance of me inviting a dud into my daughter's home, I've remained single. Thankfully her father has too, so she's busy enjoying her best life.

I also think step-moms get a raw deal, so I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I completely agree.

I think there's a whole different opinions on the topic, mostly around the why and the how. (posted too soon - edited) - it's sad that many only see negatives.

• Was not enough time given before marriage/babies to assess the partner's quality = divorce and subsequent blended family
• Are you or exDP 'bad' in some way, causing the divorce?
• Is new partner 'settling' (many people would prefer their own babies rather than raising others (typically)).
• Is it 'relationship hopping'? - many men (and let's be fair, women too) struggle with single parents, so jump from one to another (regularly?)
• Is the man 'lower quality'? A man won't be able to raise that child as his own, discipline that child, he'll have to put up with exDP's influence, "you're not my father" comments, etc... and then if the relationship breaks down, the man has zero rights, so he's invested a lot of time, money, effort into a child that after a breakup, he will never see again. What sort of man would risk that?

Yes, but there is a difference between making a decision for your kids because you know it benefits them and making a decision (a huge one) for your kids that is life altering and could quite possible make their lives a lot worse because it benefits yourself.

I'm with you, OP. There are lots of women here confidently proclaiming that blended families are mostly shit. There's also a tone that you're somehow selfish if you have the audacity to seek another relationship while you have kids.

Personally I think there are some women being bitter and insecure - insecure that their husband might one day leave them and want someone else, or their children might one day be close to another woman. Or some women in unhappy marriages but stay in their misery because you know, at least they're not selfish enough to leave and pursue happiness. So they have to proclaim that blended families are the worst possible thing. It gives them someone to look down on, and a sense that that would never happen to them because they are just so sensible and unselfish.

There's a heavy dose of 'well if I was in that position, I wouldn't', when in reality, people often don't know unless they are in that position.

In reality, plenty of 'nuclear' families don't work, and plenty of blended ones do. And vice versa. There's no blanket rule, all people and all families are different. All I hear on here is 'well I knew someone who didn't like growing up in a blended family'. Fair enough. My husband didn't like growing up in a nuclear family where his mum should probably have divorced his alcoholic father, but didn't. We all have our experiences.

Of course, people tend to post on mumsnet when things are going wrong, so by that rule, all blended families are shit, but so are all men, and so are all first marriages.

Threads where ex wives are behaving horribly and withholding contact but are being defended because 'they were left' so somehow have the right to pass their bitterness onto their kids

Yeah. Two sides to that story, eh? If you believed my ex, I grow horns and turn green on a regular basis. It's not true. Not even nearly. But there are plenty of people out there happy to listen and pat him on the back.

And the word 'bitterness' is a loaded one. It's not 'bitter' to be frustrated and upset when things didn't go the way you'd planned. Frequently, when relationships end, one person is way ahead of the other and thus is playing catch up, potentially for years. Personally I think 'bitter' is used to silence women who are playing that catch up game, who have been let down, who are finding it hard to adjust and who know that they will be carrying the children alone (regardless of the 50/50 split of care) from now on.

And lots of ex husbands behave dreadfully. But somehow it only matters when women do it. Why is that?

Plenty of you live in a fairytale where you forced some man and his children onto your kids, moving him into their home, and tell yourselves they're blissfully happy with it and their lives are enriched and everybody skips across the grass singing The Sound of Music.

My mother would also say our blended family
is lovely and was amazing and fabulous.

Nor me or my half’s has the heart to tell
her it wasn’t so she thinks it’s the bee’s knees and would tell anyone who asked that step
families work great just look at hers.

There’s a reason most step children don’t want step parents for their children, they lived it.

I know a couple of people with blended families where it has worked extremely well for all concerned, and others where it has been a disaster.

Sometimes things go wrong or became unbearable very quickly. With others they hang on and try to make it work and, when it becomes impossible, the children's situation is just the same as it was when their parents split. Back to square one.

I don't think people should be on their own forever just because their marriage has broken up but I do think it is best not to set up home with someone until the kids are grown. You don't have to live together to be in a meaningful, committed relationship. I realise two people maintaining two homes is more expensive than having one home, that wouldn't matter to some, it would to others and I feel that is what drives many couples to live together. If they can afford to live apart it might well be better. They can see a fair bit of each other, go away together sometimes, maybe with children from both.

I knew from quite yung that I would not get too involved with a man who had young children, I would expect him to put his kids first and I wouldn't have wanted to have a child or children with him, far too risky and complicated.

When I read posts on Mumsnet from women (usually women), who have married or live with a man who has kids from previous, maybe have a child of their own, and all the problems they encounter, I just hope young, single women read and take heed. Find a man unencumbered, it makes life easier.

I agree with this. From my own experience and the experience of others I know.

I agree @kungfullama . And the advice on any post to do with step children is always "that's not your problem, let their bio parents worry about taking then to school/hobby/sports/social life" or "of course it is perfectly reasonable of your partner to want to go on holiday with just you and his biological children, without your children from a previous relationship tagging along and ruining everybody's fun".
Or "can you go out whenever your step children visit?"

That said, I think there are some genuine issues that have a much bigger impact on the children than the parents realise, issues that step families encounter that biological families don't, for example, teenagers suddenly being forced to share bedrooms for example which obviously can cause a lot of disharmony and upset.

I absolutely agree with you that of course there are situations like that - but i bet you ANY amount of money there are more women out there that stay with abusive vile men because they are the father of their children and people like you have made them feel as though they should stick it out - either that or be on your own miserable and lonely for the next 21 years 🤦‍♀️

I have a friend who seems to have successfully blended her family with her partner's. Kids are all growing up now and they all seem to be very close still. It's often the children's relationship with each other that seems to cause the most friction, rather than children not getting along with a new partner. There can be far more problems to overcome in a blended family as a result. My friend and her partner have worked very, very hard to make their children happy and have had to be very self aware and selfless, which not everyone is capable of. Too many adults put themselves and their relationship first, my own mother was a wonderful example of that!

Maybe people think this because of this statistic:
The biggest predictor of child abuse is a stepparent in the household. Households with stepparents are 100 times more likely to have child abuse.