To think MN is horrible about blended families?

[kungfullama]

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow.

Threads where ex wives are behaving horribly and withholding contact but are being defended because 'they were left' so somehow have the right to pass their bitterness onto their kids.

Posters screaming LTB at the slightest bit of conflict between dc and stepparents as if conflict doesn't ever occur in traditional families too.

Insinuating that new partners are just flash in the pan 'boyfriends' even when the relationship is long term or they're married.

Blended families can be complicated and the dynamics might be slightly different. But I know for a fact my dc lives are so much better with their bio parents apart and made considerably richer with the involvement of their two loving stepparents. I don't see us as being lesser than a traditional family. Not sure why others do.

Yes, that's what they say. Then you dig a little bit deeper and you find out about all the bright red flags and all the times they looked away rather than see what was staring them in the face.

None so blind as those that don't want to see.

@Wellingtonspie Watch the kids while I work? We both work full time the same hours. I don’t want anyone else to look after the kids while I’m here, I want to be with them as much as I can in the hours I don’t work. That’s why I stay with them.

Well, if that's the case then no one should date anyone, ever. Not even the ones they have kids with in the first place. No one knows until they know, right?

This has gone from extreme catastrophe to extreme catastrophe. First it was having a stranger in your home permanently - always a stranger no matter how long you live with them - and never being happy for a single second with them there, to all men single mothers might form relationships with are dormant sex offenders just waiting to pounce.

I was 4.5 with twin brothers who were 6 months old.

First my step dad moved in
Then my dad introduced me to his girlfriend and her 3 year old daughter
Dad and girlfriend got married
Then my mum got pregnant with my half brother was I was 8
Then my step mum got pregnant with my half brother when I was 12

Total fucking shit show.

I do think that when you look at all blended families, at least 50% of the adults in a blended family wrongly thought a relationship was stable enough to have children at least once before, and have now committed to another partner, so there may be a higher chance they've got it wrong again.

So not only are you saying that anyone with a failed marriage behind them 'got it wrong', you also think they'll more likely be a bad judge of character again? I don't think you fully understand the various reasons why relationships fail, and that someone's current behaviour in a relationship is not always a predictor of the future. Even if you're right, I would think divorced people are extra careful the second time around.

Well, first off MN is a collection of different people and their viewpoints.If the vast majority of people believe something to be true, then maybe it is worth putting your pride aside and listening.
You say how wonder your blended family is- well great if you think that.Wonder if your kids agree?

You have actually lost your mind love. Do you need signposting to some support?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Stop moving men into your homes with your children!

I understand single parents don't want to be lonely, they want the companionship, financial stability but at what cost? Your children should be your priority.

I have been with my partner for 7 years and he's never even slept at my home. My home is my kids safe space and I won't have anyone disrupting that.

My mum decided we were to be part of a "blended family" and myself and my sister were molested by our so called stepbrother. It's not worth it, it's not worth the risk.

gonnabeteoubleemma · Yesterday 23:12

I was 4.5 with twin brothers who were 6 months old.
First my step dad moved in
Then my dad introduced me to his girlfriend and her 3 year old daughter
Dad and girlfriend got married
Then my mum got pregnant with my half brother was I was 8
Then my step mum got pregnant with my half brother when I was 12
Total fucking shit show.

Obviously it didn’t work out well for you but reading that it just sounds like you ended up with a big family, it wouldn’t have been a shit show if you all got along surely?

That's interesting, wonder why you didn't seek out another parent to date if blended families are so wonderful?

Obviously it didn’t work out well for you but reading that it just sounds like you ended up with a big family, it wouldn’t have been a shit show if you all got along surely?

The thing is, we do all get along. Doesn't mean I was or am happy or resentment free

What a weird thing to say.

Well, you'd think wrong I'm afraid, 67% of 2nd marriages end in divorce.

And yes, I'd say that if you choose to stand up in front of a large group of people and say that you solemnly promise to stay with the person next to you for the rest of your life, and then later break up with them, you have to accept that you got it wrong when you made that promise.

I know many second marriages (mine included) where the previously married party has a good handle on the reasons the first marriage failed and is doing things differently. I also know people who pick the same type of person over and over again and break up for the same reasons over and over again.

I hate these snidey “do you need help?” comments.

In fact, the explosion of blended families is not that many generations old. It’s really important that people who were children in a blended family and are now grown up are able to speak out

Yes, the majority of parents just do their very best, often in difficult circumstances.

But feedback from children is important just as it is important adults are now speaking out about institutional abuse. The adults of yesterday speak for the children of tomorrow.

It’s been looked at and identified as the Cinderella effect - that step parents tend to invest in their own biological children more than step children, and that the same psychology is present in actual neglect or abuse.

It is therefore a real issue, particularly for a family that blends children; and of course people in such positions don’t want to admit to jealousy or rivalry or any kind of disharmony as adults and the children say next to nothing as their circumstances depend on saying nothing to upset the arrangement. Biological families will have their own issues, but the Cinderella effect is one that is just for a step parenting situation.

To be honest, while it is an uncomfortable truth for us, it is fundamentally quite a natural one. We are biologically programmed to love, care for and protect our children. That isn’t to say that there aren’t some exceptionally open-hearted people who manage to adopt, step parent or foster children who aren’t biologically theirs and do a truly incredible job at it; but they are people who don’t necessarily have nature working with them when it comes to a choice between their bio children and those who are not biologically theirs, and the average person isn’t going to have that exceptional gift.

I also had a wonderful step father who was like a dad to me, and my only other sibling was my half sister who I lived with and we were raised as one happy nuclear family because I was only 2 years old and my real dad was barely involved.
But I have seen many other blended family scenarios and they are rarely happy and healthy.
Obviously some work out great, but many don't.
I look back on my childhood and honestly at the time I felt rejected by my real dad. Now I am grateful that his lack of involvement allowed me to be a part of the 'nuclear' family and not be shipped off elsewhere every other weekend while my family were bonding without me.
I wouldn't personally get into a relationship with someone else if I divorced until my children were adults themselves. That's the only type of blended family that I've seen be successful in reality. (Other than mine and perhaps yours too OP, the complete replacement of the bio dad with the step dad)

See both my natural parents have died. I'm very close to my step mum ( grew up with her) and also get on well with my (ex) stepdad ( mum divorced him before she died) . My brother is close to him though ( he grew up with mum and him)

Why? I'll bet she didn't want to date another parent because it would be too difficult for her yet here she is saying blended families are wonderful when she didn't even take on anyone elses' kids!

Or maybe the person she met and fell in love with didn't have kids?

It would be completely bizarre to have pre-existing children as a requirement for a relationship with someone and raise a whole lot of red flags!

@MrsSunshine2b really? My friend only dated men with kids because they'd be far more understanding of her situation, seemed very sensible to me. Never saw it as a red flag, it means people are likely to be more compatible if anything surely?

My deal breaker was someone with kids. Since mine was an adult I didn’t want to start again with someone else’s. Obviously that went well as I’ve had three stepchildren for the last 25 years. 😂

If I was ever in that situation, I imagine I'd be hoping for someone who didn't mind if I had kids or not. If I saw on a dating profile, "Looking for a woman with kids," I'd block stat.

67% seems to be the first hit on Google but that's from an American site.

https://www.familylaw.co.uk/articles/Second-marriages-less-likely-to-end-in-divorce-290413-952

Yes, I googled it as the figure I had in my head was 76%. It's a high number, wherever you find the statistic.