To feel shaken by Liam Paynes death and wonder how we keep our kids safe

[middleagedandinarage]

Just that really, I'm a bit old to be a 1D fan and didn't know a huge amount about Liam Payne apart from him being part of one of the worlds most famous boy bands and having a son with Cheryl Cole but I feel very shocked and upset by his death. He was clearly a very troubled man, which I imagine came from being shot to fame at such a young age. Obviously not every child has that pressure but I feel incredibly worried for my own children. How do we keep our children safe and on the right track in a world that seems to have so so many pressures for them

This is such an important point. Ordinary people thrown into an extraordinary world, with almost no boundaries. Thinking about it, it's probably more remarkable that there are people who actually cope with it.

Pretty sure his issues weren't due to having an insta account at 13...!!

Theirs literally nothing you can do. When a grown adult makes a decision you can't stop them. Whether that is a decision to take drugs, move country, cut their family off or end their life. It's the same as mental illness you can go to as much therapy as you want but it's you that has to do it. Nobody is going to save you or watch you 24/7

Keep your children off social media. Don’t give them a smart phone. Be the strict parent who won’t let them have snap chat.

It’s very “me, me, me”

We all know that mental health in men is one of the biggest killers. Unfortunately quite a lot of men will decide to hide it and not speak out. We have no idea what Liam Payne was going through, would he still have demos even without the fame, maybe and maybe not.

And for the OP to make his death about themselves and how they are shocked and upset by someone they admittedly know nothing about is frankly grief vulture behaviour.

It doesn't bear thinking about. He is exactly the right profile too, from a poor WC background, star-struck, naive, probably no one around him with the life experience to guide him through the situations he was navigating.

People saying he was a 31 year old man, not a child. Yes absolutely. But I bet he was still a child when the first events took place that would irreparably damage him. The world he moved in has a dark, dark under-belly.

I also think people like LP are vulnerable because they havent had the education and experiences to build up their character. He had talent and a sweet face but that's not enough alone to carry you through into a long and satisfying adult life. Undoubtably his level of education was very low. If you've never been encouraged to delve into and develop a relationship or passion for nature/art/literature/history etc.. the list is endless.. he made so many millions but I've not seen any evidence that he knew how to enjoy them. Designer watches and cars would loose their appeal quickly.
I don't know much about the 1D band members, I'm 4 years older than them and when they came out no one my age that I knew would've been seen dead listening to them! But the one I had heard about, Harry Styles, seems to have got a lot more stuck into different interests, the arts etc and I think that is protective as it keeps the mind focused on other things than just drugs, booze etc. Basically what I mean to say is, even if you achieve early monetary success as he did.. I think it is wise to keep investing in yourself as a person.

Check in with them, but also encourage them to say “Can we talk?” If they ever are struggling. People who are struggling won’t often feel like they can say this - they’ll reach out without saying how down they are.
It’s easy to get into circumstances that can lead you down the wrong path mentally.

Any signs of withdrawal from family and friends, isolating themselves any signs of going off grid or quiet and changes in behaviour, keep checking in, but in a non-forecful way

Liam may have been 31 when he died, but he first appeared on X Factor at 14. Was moulded into being a member of One Direction at 16 and didn't have the choice to grow up - and make mistakes - without the world knowing about it.

I'm really not comfortable with saying he was an adult and was responsible for his choices. He wasn't responsible for being exploited in his youth. And a lot of people have made a lot of profit from him.

Exactly. I know someone who lived with her boyfriend and he suffered really bad mental health issues. She was away for just a few hours and he killed himself in that time - despite being “fine” for months before that.

Some suicidal people will be at their happiest before taking their life because they’ve made peace with their decision. There’s nothing you can do for people that just don’t want help.

And I have no idea how banning social media is the answer. Your child will always have access to it or will likely hide the fact from you.

YABU in as much that Liam Payne is not representative of most people at all. Too much money and access to people who live crazy lifestyles results in disproportionate deaths in famous people who live rock & roll lives.

Incorrect.

This!

Or in real life, there are still plenty of bullies outside the internet in-fact I think the internet has made them think it’s normal to ridicule anyone in their line of vision that doesn’t fit their own narrative of a human.

When my bf ended his life it was the same he attempted multiple times before hand but the night he ended his life it was the happiest I'd seen him in a long time. Then I got all the shit from everyone else why didn't you do anything about it. Do what exactly. I spent hours and hours talking to him. I checked up on him all the time (literally stalker level) I begged the hospital to section him and they wouldn't yet apparently I did nothing. Unless people have been in this situation they just don't get it. You can't stop it

Tbf pop stars have been killing themselves long before social media.

Fame and fortune doesn't change the underlying MH issues some people have but at least the wealthy can have access to support, which most normal people can't get.

Its very sad, One Direction was the music of my DD's youth and she is upset by it all, just as i was when Bon Scott drunk himself to death.

This isn't really a 'kids' issue though, is it?

We're talking about a 31 year old man with alcohol/drugs/mental health issues, likely exacerbated by the pressures of fame.

Could we do better in terms of helping kids to manage stress and mental health better? Absolutely. The message re alcohol and drugs starts very early (primary).

Yes, what happened to him could happen to anyone, but he was a father, not a child.

This might be the best post I’ve ever read on MN. I agree with every single world.

We do not do enough to teach children their unimportance in the scale of the world and that their emotions are transient and are to be dealt with, not indulged but all the while exposing them to a world of toxic social media where they are bombarded with subtle, harmful messaging. And then protecting them from any scenario that might teach them resilience.

I think we would do well if everyday we all did something to teach our child resilience. I try to do it on my life now, put myself in situations where I’m likely to fail or likely to trigger a negative emotion as it helps to programme my brain that I can cope with those scenarios.

And drugs. Keep them away from drugs and make sure they understand why they should be making that decision rather than making drug taking totally taboo.

Absolutely this. Should be a minimum age of 18 for thos stuff - won't solve all the problems, but it will help.

Not sure that it was actually true she never wanted fame, she wanted to sing would have been happy with small clubs. But fame is a different beast & she found it hard to cope with.

its down to the individual but if you succumb to the temptations that are there you may find life is hard. Doesnt matter about celebrity. Drink, drugs basically addictions. then throw in depression, eating issues, failed relationships. It becomes a spiral downwards

This 100%
I did say to my teenagers that this is a very sad situation but be aware that the whole time this young man was fighting his demons and suffering from mental illness and addiction his life on social media looked perfect, money and travelling abroad, lots of nice food and beautiful girls.
Obviously social media and its use in society are the problem not Liam Payne personally because he used social media.

This. Harry Styles had same start but perhaps it's the journey and who they mix either on the way.

Are you coming from a perspective of someone who is older so teenager in the 90s/00s as I was a teenager/your my person in that time and there was lots of pressure in real life, school life l, home life, that would be completely unacceptable now. I remember loads of pressure to be stick thin, I was thinking that I wanted to look as skinny as Kate Moss, if I remember rightly, magazines like Just 17 had very thin models splashed across the covers and inside as content, none of us were 17 reading it, more like 11/12 so impressionable and no mature judgement on these desires.

I have teens so I understand the pressure of social media but I would say it was worse 4-5 years ago when my DS started secondary school than it is for my youngest. Equally, their school life is miles better than mine. At my school people regularly labelled you something derogatory, physical fights between boys were frequent, thankfully it is not like that at my DC's school. My teens don't post stuff on social media, my eldest barely goes near it full stop so it is not given IMO that this is the only issue that as a parent you should be concerned by. Things like parties are quite tame.

DH has a relative who is a musician, we recently saw them play and this guy is health personified, I'm 10 years younger than him but didn't feel it when speaking to him.

I would never allow my child to become a child star, no matter how talented they are.

I always think how many child stars have grown up to be very unhappy adults and I think it’s just the constant pressure.

Its not a dig at his family, as they probably did their best to protect him as a child but then they get to a certain age and then they can’t protect him anymore.

It’s not just a fame issue either as we all know.
The prison system is full of drug addicts, alcoholics and gamblers and multiple young people kill themselves every week.

I don’t know the answer.
We live in a very fast paced world where people are constantly doing things for ‘likes’.

You cannot keep children away from SM forever, you just have to remind them that it’s not real.

I do wish photo filters were banned and that celebs weren’t allowed to use any sort of photoshop.

Good grief OP! Stop catastrophizing and just get on with your life!