Need a hand hold

[Imbluedalale]

That’s just it really. I really need a cuddle but that’s not possible so can anybody just support me right now? My mental health is on the floor right now I’ve never felt as low it’s making me feel so ill

Thank you for your advice Apolloneuro.
Yes I think you are right , I know she’s going through a lot too. And no it’s not her job to make me feel better. I just miss her and was upset that she didn’t seem to miss me . I’m being selfish .
I will try and not get upset with her and give her grief about not seeing me/contacting me .

Big hugs! Yeah, I’m ok. Hospital appointment this morning - just a scan but going out at all makes me exhausted! I can’t even comprehend how hard it must be to battle all that you have been and are going through!

I’m sorry about your daughter. I think Apolloneuro is right; she’s just not mature enough to cope at the moment. If you can be there for her anyway, love her without expecting for now, and cling to her at her worst, I hope and truly think you might get her back as that lovely close relationship you naturally crave.

You are so so strong, and it’s hard that because other people aren’t able to be you have to be even stronger. But mothers are bears when it comes to fighting. Hang in there and never give up! Hugs your way.

I hope your scan goes well TealPoet.
Fingers crossed for you .
Your right about my daughter I will stop giving her grief and just be there for her and reassure her and tell her that I love her.
God I feel bad about it all now , my eldest isn’t replying to me shall I keep texting him every day or not?I don’t know what to do ??
Feel like I am a really bad mum. I’m finding all this so hard . My relationship with my eldest is broken and I don’t know how to get it back but in the same breath I don’t want him calling me the C word and saying other horrible things to me when I don’t agree with him xx

I can’t do this , I’m not strong enough . I don’t even want to be strong all I want is my children . I don’t care about my cancer or being homeless I just want my children . I’m nothing without them . I can’t stop crying today I am a complete failure . I just want to hold and kiss my children this year I’ve been a depressed mess and I wasted time being sad and upset when I didn’t see what was right in front of me . I have failed them and they deserve a better mum than me . My ex doesn’t realise how lucky he is, he’s got our children and he’s happy that’s all I want . This is all just too much . I’m sorry for being so negative but I honestly can’t do this I don’t want to go another day without my kids . I feel like I’m in a nightmare . I can’t do it!

@Imbluedalale sweetheart, you can do it. You are doing it. Can you go out and take walk round the block, focusing on what you can see and hear. Ground yourself a bit. Have a cup of tea. Listen to some music.

Don’t beat yourself up about your kids. Text your son maybe twice a week. “I love you son. I’m working hard to be well and hope to see you again soon.” Don’t get into situations with him where he can call you the c word. He shouldn’t do that, but then he’s got his dad as a role model hasn’t he.

You want everything to be fixed immediately. Understandable, but not realistic. You need to play the long game with your kids.

I really can’t do it anymore.
And I can’t walk , everything about me is a mess inside and out .
I feel sick constantly, my hairs falling out , can’t stop crying and I can’t see this getting any better.
I’ve honestly lost all hope in everything . Monday I’m going to be homeless in a hotel room again and that thought terrifies me because I’m already thinking bad things. I’ve said this before that I don’t want to die but I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. My heart is broken, I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. But I’m that much of a failure I can’t even sleep!

@Imbluedalale darling can you find your favourite member of staff on duty right now and tell them how you’re feeling, please.

Go and get some support from the staff my darling. We can tell you until we’re blue that you’re not a bad mum (you’re not! You’re a great mum), that you can get through this, and that you’re worthwhile, but you need help to see it. YOU HAVE NOT FAILED AND ARE NOT FAILING!

I asked my mother if she would mind me posting this and she was glad for me too. She was almost broken after my dad - all his false accusations, all the times he tore her apart. She couldn’t drive or do anything because he broke her confidence so badly. And it was TOUGH. But know what? She’s here, she’s thriving, she made it out. So can you.

What support can we offer to help you through each day no matter where you are? You aren’t alone but I really want you to feel the support of all of us rooting for you.

BIG HUGS.

I went to sit outside on the bench and I couldn’t breathe for crying and a member of staff came to sit with me . I’ve just told her everything I’m feeling and how sad I feel and she said she doesn’t think I’m ready to go back to being homeless in a hotel . She’s rang my mental health nurse and spoke with her . She said I need to stop being so hard on myself but I just can’t help it . I keep thinking back and wish I had done so many things differently. I wish I was a better happier person . I don’t even want tomorrow to come how bad does that sound

Thank you TealPoet.
And please tell your mum I said thank you for sharing that with me . Your mum sounds like a wonderful human being just like you .
How did your scan go? Xx

It sounds like you’re struggling and need support - hardly a surprise with what you’re going through! I’m so mad with your ex - he’s trained you to do his abusing of you for him in his own head!

You definitely shouldn’t be alone; I hope they can sort that. Do you have any medication you can take if the anxiety is rising?

You show flashes of such a lovely, bright, happy personality - but it’s not exactly your fault if all the abuse and sickness sometimes hides it. You are lovely. I’m sure every mother wishes they did some different things - I know mine does! But I adore her and it doesn’t matter; water under the bridge, to be remembered only if it helps us do better now.

Big big hugs. Wish I could do something to make you smile

You see, you’re asking about me when you’re in so much distress - you’re lovely!

It went ok thank you. I get hospital transport because I can’t walk, and I was in trouble after my scan absolutely bursting for the loo! I was just praying not knowing what to do. And then the transport crew arrived 40 minutes early, found the equipment I needed and a nurse, and got me to the loo! It was such a relief because I was so distressed about what was going to happen otherwise. I’m so grateful to them :)

This came up on my Facebook feed yesterday and I saved it because it immediately made me think of you. One day at a time, even the most painful ones. We can’t change anything in the past, no matter how much we want to, and we can’t control the future however hard we try. But we can do things now that will bear good fruit later.

One thing that has stood out to me through all your posts is your innate gratitude. It’s a powerful lesson to me because that’s one of my weaknesses. I try to pick out one thing a day and often struggle to go beyond the basics - my mum, my dog. But yesterday I wrote my gratitude - this thread. Because of you, because you make me grateful, and because you make me care <3

As hard as it is, tomorrow has to come and you WILL get through this.

Your kids are young and selfish (as only teens can be!!). You can't expect them to be there for you, they don't have the emotional maturity + they are very much influenced by someone else.

I'm sure they will come back to you in time - just take the pressure and guilt away, you need to really concentrate on getting better

You are NOT a failure and you CAN do this

Please tell/show the staff how you are feeling....I also think a room on your own is the last thing you need right now. Xx

Thank you so much for trying to make me feel better TealPoet.
I love that post from Facebook. You are so very kind.
Im glad your scan went well and I hope your results come back all ok. And I’m very glad you made it to toilet on time!
I’m on medication but as I had to leave property quickly I forgot all my meds so I didn’t have my antidepressants for 10 days but I’m back on them now although I have to take 100mg at moment instead of 200mg due to being off them a while and they didn’t want me to go to max dose again straight away.
I can’t help feeling like an utter complete failure and no matter how many times I’m told I’m not one got this voice in my head telling me I am .
I just desperately miss my children and I want to hold them and cuddle them and be there for them . I’ve told my daughter I’m sorry for giving her a hard time and that I know all this is hard for her too.
I would do anything right now to be with my kids , to sit with them watching tv , making their dinner , having cuddles , watching youngest play football just anything where I could be with them .
Im scared im not going to get better and as awful as it sounds if I can’t see my children anymore I dont want to get better . I’d rather feel like this if I don’t have them in my life xx

Thank you Munchyseeds2.
But what if I can’t get through it ? How is a mum meant to live without her children? Knowing that they are 30 mins away but you can’t be with them. How can I do that and live and be happy? I can’t .
I’ve spoken to a member of staff about how I’m feeling and I was completely honest and didn’t leave anything out . Just want these dark thoughts to go they are consuming me right now

You’re hurting so much, I wish I could hug you! Doing this for your children is a powerful motivation but it’s also huge pressure on you. Our thoughts can be our worst enemies, torture us silently leaving no signs. I’m so glad you told the staff everything and I hope they can give you the support you need. I wish I could say something more helpful, but all I can do is send big hugs and say we believe in you 💐

Thank you TealPoet.
I don’t know what’s worse the days or the nights. The nights I can’t sleep and toss and turn all night and the days I dread because it means going through another day of this. Right now I’m just existing.
I look a mess haven't even showered today, brushed my teeth or hair , it just seems like a battle to do anything .
Im sorry to be so negative and morbid but this is so so hard xx

Don't think too far ahead, it's too much.

Just concentrate on the here and now, getting better, stronger.

Then you can work on getting the kids back in your life and rebuilding the relationships he has tried so hard to ruin
Don't let him win!!

Make us a little army in your head to help you keep positive.....you CAN do this xx

Never apologise for your struggle, you’re fighting a huge battle and I know so many of us here are so proud of you. As Munchyseeds2 says, let us be the positive voices in your head to drown out the horrible lying ones. And I’m sharing another strip I saved for myself last week in the hope it will help you too. HUGS!

Your right it is too much thinking far ahead I just try to take my mind off the present because it truly is horrific.
I’ve just managed to have a cup of tea and some toast as havnt eaten all day due to feeling sick.
Im going to try and make myself have a shower in the next hour but not sure if I will.
Im honestly so grateful for all the support I’m receiving from the professionals but it makes me feel guilty because there’s other people that need help and I feel like I’m taking it away from them .
Thank you for your support Munchyseeds2

Thank you TealPoet.
Awww I love that it’s so cute ☺️
How are you feeling after your scan? Did you manage to rest when you got home?
Ive sent all my children a message telling them that I love them and that even though I’m not there that I am there for them and that I think about them every second of the day . I won’t bombard them now I will wait for them to contact me (I don’t think my eldest will he’s ignoring all my messages but I will take advice from before and wait a few more days and text again) xx

Right going to take a shower ….

Darling @Imbluedalale you’re doing well. Try to live one hour at a time. Don’t think too much about the future. One hour, half an hour, ten minutes at a time, if necessary.

I think you’ll feel better when your meds kick in.

One thing that I admire about you is that you’re open to listening to advice. You’re not defensive. That’s a real strength. Can you have a nice cup of tea for me and a shower if you haven’t had one.

Your kids are safe. Try to allow yourself to put yourself first.

Thank you very much Apolloneuro.
Nows not a time to be defensive and I appreciate all the advice I can get. And you are right in what you say sometimes it takes somebody to tell you that makes you wake up and think.
I have been too hard on my daughter and it’s not fair , I have apologised and understand this isn’t just about me.
I had a cup of tea earlier with some toast and I’ve just had a nice shower. I used my nice sundae cherry on top shower moose so I’m all clean and fresh now . The night shift staff said I’ve made the house smell lovely lol 😂