Need a hand hold

[Imbluedalale]

That’s just it really. I really need a cuddle but that’s not possible so can anybody just support me right now? My mental health is on the floor right now I’ve never felt as low it’s making me feel so ill

Just went on tik tok to bust my mind and first thing that came up was this:
God wants you to know this today ….
I had to make you uncomfortable , otherwise you would have never moved
For your own sanity, let things be
God knows exactly what he’s doing
You’re not in a storm , your in a transition
Hold on, god knows what he’s doing
Very soon you will smile and say ….
‘God this is more than I prayed for, thank you’

Found comfort in reading this x

Fate was talking to you there. Night night. I’ve got work at 7:45am, so I’m in my nightie with a scented candle and a cup of mint tea, playing candy crush for 10 mins.

Apolloneuro is right again :) you’re an amazing woman and hopefully your medications will help soon. You aren’t taking resources from anyone else, they’re there for you because you need them. You deserve more!

I did rest, thank you. I’m uncomfortable, but more due to the problem being investigated than the scan.

And I’m so proud of you for even managing the shower! Those small steps are big deals :)

Huge hugs for tonight <3

Good night Apolloneuro.
I hope you enjoy your mint tea and have a nice sleep. I love a scented candle
Sweetdreams x

Thank you TealPoet.
Im glad you managed to have a rest and I hope they can get to bottom of it and make you comfortable again.
Im just reading some of my book .
Theres a guy here that came on Saturday, he had been in a&e all night Friday . I have said hello a few times . He talks quite loud and as my room is downstairs I can hear everything. I don’t know him just said hello few times and heard him talk and his mum and dad come every day and his mum fetched him home cooked food. I have never wanted somebody to get better like I have with him he is such a lovely kind man and his parents are lovely and I really hope he gets better x

Massive hugs!! You are such a lovely person - there you are, having a really tough time, and yet you have the kindness to be thinking of other people too! Make sure you treat yourself the same way - imagine yourself as two people, and one of you is telling the other one how well she's doing and how proud you are of her. I think when you have negative voices playing in your mind, it helps to drown them out with positive ones. It definitely feels fake at first to be telling yourself well done for something, but over time you notice your internal voices have become much more positive. Honestly, recognise and tell yourself well done for every little thing.

Also, eat more biscuits! Generally not great advice, but if anyone deserves a few extra biscuits right now, it's you!

Sorry, didn’t mean to disappear off, cold got worse so needed to rest a bit but on the mend now.

Really sorry to read you’ve been having difficult days and difficult thoughts OP. I really hope the chorus of support here, all of us who really see your qualities shine through, gives you encouragement that you are a person, of value and valued. It’s easy to lose sight of ourselves, it’s great when other people can give you clarity at times when you can’t see it. We have to rely on that sometimes.

It’s so hard to get the balance right with children, to demonstrate love without being overwhelming, to let them know they make you happy but your happiness is not their responsibility. There is no perfect parent. You will get through this and be with them again.

When I have suicidal thoughts, I try to deter them by focusing on the pain my children would experience knowing I had “chosen” (aware mental illness means people don’t really choose it but it’s a perception loved ones left behind may have) to leave them. I used to think of my parents, now it’s my children. There are few children who would feel better off without their mum in the world. Also I find it helpful to focus on the fact that things change constantly and you literally never know what is around the corner. Previously I didn’t really like change but have come to see that it brings good too. So I try to think of the good things that have happened after previous episodes of suicidal thoughts.

I meant to add my eldest has sometimes said he wishes I were dead, so it’s not as though our relationship is perfect. But I know it is not true when I look at the picture overall - it’s anger speaking, he’s neuro-diverse, he’s testing boundaries. Really important to focus on evidence and facts when feelings are running high. Keep going OP, you’ll get through it.

Morning lovely
I hope you managed to get some sleep last night after your lovely shower and that today is a little better.
Can you increase the antidepressants soon?
They will help I think... just a shame it takes a few weeks

Off to work for me now but I will be thinking of you Xx

Good morning my love - I really hope it is for you and that you finally got some sleep!

I’m sending you loads of hugs for the day. I love the post you shared last night with that encouraging message - I needed that reminder too. I’m adding a post I found this morning that I hope will help today. And for some reason one thing keeps running in my mind today: ‘step by step and pace by pace, slow and steady wins the race’.

These days I think we’re saturated with the idea that we should just ‘get over’ or ‘push through’ everything - whether it’s a common cold or a major crisis. But that just causes more damage. People didn’t used to think that way. I read a lot of old school stories, from the early 1900s. Cold? Sprained ankle? Home in bed until you’re better, looked after by doting family and sent flowers and chocolates by friends? Headache? Back to bed for the morning. Severe illness? A few weeks or even months at the seaside for you! We need to bring back the opportunity for people to truly recuperate, and the mental permission to do so.

Sending love your way so much <3

Morning ChoccieCornflake.
I hope you are well?
Thank you for the hug really need one right now .
I will try and take your advice and drown out the negative thoughts . They was awful last night just constantly all through the night. I wish I could just take them out of my mind. I miss my children but I also miss my family. My mum texted me asking if I was ok . I told her that I’m here and that I was really struggling and she said ‘they’ll sort you out’ when actually it’s you I need mum.
I did manage to have a few Jaffa cakes last night just got a constant feeling sick feeling last few days xx

Hi Ruralretreating.
Awww you poor thing , I hope you are feeling better now and managed to get some rest?
I really do appreciate all the support I have on here, I can’t put it into words. You’re all not here in person but you are carrying me through each hour and each day . Thank you 🙏
I really don’t know who I am anymore I feel completely lost. I’ve lost relationships with people and I’ve lost myself . When I found out I had cancer most of my family rallied round and were in regular contact with me but they don’t want to know when I’m poorly with my mental health it’s like everybody has disappeared from my life.
I am trying to see things through my children’s eyes so I am trying to take a step back and not overwhelm them , I need to realise that just because I have a lot of time on my hands because I’m here not doing much my children still have lives to live and have other things going on.
When I have suicidal thoughts I do think of my children a lot and I get upset at the thought of them being upset . I hate having these dark thoughts but sometimes they consume me . Also and I hate thinking this let alone admitting it but since last night I’ve been thinking of my ex and a part of me misses him . I won’t contact him because he’s blocked and I don’t want to speak to him but the thoughts of him are there. But when I think of him it’s not the version he really is in real life so last night I made a list in my notes on my phone noting all the things he’s done to me and said or not done for me and whenever I think of him I’m going to go back to that and read it xx

Hi Munchyseeds2.
Are you ok?
I had another terrible night I managed to get a few hours after about 4am but feel rotten today and I feel shattered.
Today I have been able to increase my antidepressants so fingers crossed they start working soon .
I hope you have a lovely day at work xx

Hi TealPoet.
How are you feeling today? Hope you are able to get comfortable today .
Still no sleep , managed a few hours but really starting to feel it now . Feel shattered, sick, anxious sad worried and everything else that’s not nice to feel but I’m trying to pull through.
It’s hard with mental health isn’t it because you don’t look sick (I do right now) and you can still smile at people but inside your not ok. Inside I’m screaming and ripping doors off kitchen cupboards and having a major breakdown but on the outside you wouldn’t see that . Inside I’m having all the imaginary conversations and saying what I truly feel and the hurt I feel but I would never tell those people that in real life because I wouldn’t get the responses I want .
One thing I am feeling more than anything else is guilt . I feel so guilty . For my children especially but also other people I feel guilty for making my mum feel stressed and poorly , I feel guilty for falling out with my sister because she was texting ex behind my back and telling him where I was and what I was saying and I feel guilty for feeling like I do because it makes everyone else’s life harder and I don’t want that xx

I’m so impressed by you! You quite understandably miss the man you loved, yet have the insight to see that the person you loved wasn’t real, then you go a step further and take action to help yourself by making that list. Most of us don’t manage to be so level-headed at our best, and you’re doing it in your low times! Seriously, and I mean it, wow.

Oh those horrid thoughts that play on repeat - how they love to torture us. I have OCD, mostly ‘pure-o’ so although I’ve never experienced a fraction of what you have, I have a tiny clue as to that part, and I am so so sorry - they’re so horrible.

I hate how people just drop away when you have chronic problems. They do it with mental health as you say, also with permanent physical conditions - people who stick it out are rarer than rubies, and worth much more!

On a lighter note, glad you managed some Jaffa Cakes - great choice :) What’s your method: All in each bite, edges first, or whole thing in mouth and deconstruct with tongue? It has been a long-standing controversy amongst my friends 😂

Oh my love, every thought and feeling is so natural and understandable yet you’ve been made to feel bad about them :(

I’m sorry to be blunt, but your sister behaved appallingly, I’m glad you could see that wasn’t ok!

Thanks OP, I’m battling on! I know you will get through this, you are using techniques to get you through which is great and impressive at such a low time. I think that inner/external appearance battle is sometimes self preservation, a way of not letting things out because they l feel overwhelming. But getting the feelings out and learning how to manage them so they don’t consume you is the important bit, and you are doing that. I don’t think we are taught well as children to feel the feeling or emotion then use the best tools to manage it.

Have you written down in a list all the good things we’ve all said we see in you? Maybe it would help to have that list as a reminder of who you are? Your qualities come through so strongly and have value that will impact other people’s lives for the better as you rebuild your life.

When you care deeply about people and are consistent and show up for them, it’s harder when others don’t. I have some relatives and friends like this, who are always incredibly caring but don’t get the same support back (including from me I’m ashamed to say because I’m a bit haphazard) and it disappoints them. They are diamonds, I suspect you are too. Sometimes people don’t know how to help, or make assumptions or just get wrapped up in their lives, it’s not a reflection on you and they may still care but just aren’t good at really showing up in the right way. And please don’t feel guilty or a burden. You are not, you have so much to offer.

Loads more big hugs incoming at you!!

You don't need to feel guilty about anything. You're not trying to make people stressed, so don't worry about that. That's like breaking your leg and being concerned about the impact on other people - no, you need to focus first on your leg! I also wouldn't worry that you fell out with your sister over her texting your ex - she should not have done that and you had every right to be angry!

As to working out who you are - I suspect in part you are also having to re-invent who you are, as so much has changed for you. In other words, it's ok to not know who you are right now, as you've not finished transforming into the new you yet! I would have a think back to the things you liked as a child, and see if any of those things appeal now. Eg, I loved reading books as a child (still do!), so if I was trying to work out who I am, I would start by picking up my love of reading. Worst case scenario you are no closer to knowing who you are but have read a good book while trying to find out! Also, you don't have to BE someone. It's enough to just work out what you enjoy doing and to do that. You don't have to aim for something, achieve something, reach some goal.

I'm glad you've had some jaffa cakes - they are great for cheering one up!

Thank you TealPoet.
I don’t think I’ve ever had anybody be impressed by me before . It’s a nice feeling thank you 🙏
When I met my ex I fell in love with him quite quickly although he didn’t feel the same and treated me appallingly whilst I was pregnant with eldest and after but I still loved him. I used to fantasise about us being a family but he was having fun with lots of women . When he decided he wanted me too I accepted straight away so you can probably say I let myself be treated like a doormat . There was a few good times don’t get me wrong but the life I imagined wasn’t the life we had . And that’s one thing that makes me angry regarding my eldest because he didn’t care about him when he was born , denied paternity and wasn’t there but my eldest worships him . I’m not mad at my eldest for that I’m just mad at that situation.
The thoughts are truly horrid , my mind feels like it’s going 100 miles an hour and switches from one thing to the other.
I feel like I can’t win with my parents I tell them how I feel and they say I’m not being strong , tell my mum I need support and she tells me to ring my support worker or that ill be ok but if I don’t tell them how I feel everybody says I’m pushing everyone away that’s trying to help . I can’t win !
Oh and regarding the Jaffa cakes I normally do half moon (eat in 2 bites) but last night I was a slobby pig and did full moon 🌝 xx

Urgh colds are the worst! I hate having a cold.
I hope you start feeling better soon.
Thank you for believing in me that truly means a lot.

I’ve always been told even from childhood that I’m an emotional sensitive person and it truly shows right now! It hurts me when my family are telling me I’m not being strong with the cancer and the mental health . I remember when I was in hospital with my paralysis my dad got frustrated with me because I couldn’t move my arm and said I need to find the strength and fight . My sister said he was just trying to help me but it upset me immensely.
Our relationship has been non existent since then. But then I think suck it up stop being so sensitive. Because my mum and dad did help me whilst I was in hospital but since that day our relationship has been very strained .
I haven’t wrote a list of all the kind lovely things you have all said but they are in my head although my brain is mostly consumed of bad things there is a little box full to the brim of everybody’s positive lovely words and I also do go back when I’m feeling at my absolute lowest and re-read everyone’s posts. So thank you 🙏 xx

Thank you ChoccieCornflake.
Hows your day going?
My sister says she was trying to help me because I rang her first night I was in the hotel as was having the worst panic attack I’ve ever had but I don’t understand why she told my ex where I was nor what I said to her in the phone whilst I was having panic attack. I asked her to see the messages and I couldn’t believe what she wrote after I’d only recently confided in her about what has been going on and what he’s been doing to me but I feel like I should apologise for getting mad at her .
I do love reading which I have been doing and I like listening to music but every song I listen to upsets me at moment plus I left my headphones there. I also like doing crafty things there is a craft room here but I’m not ready for that yet i only venture out my room to go kitchen or toilet .
It’s half term next week for my 2 youngest so I’m thinking about that today . God I wish I could spend a week with them . Xx

How are you doing today lovely?
I did think about you

You said before that tomorrow was due to be your last day in the supported house?
I'm hoping not...you need caring people around you for a bit longer yet!

It was a lovely day where I am today, did you manage to get outside for some fresh air?....always makes me feel better Xx

Big hugs! My day's going ok thanks - I am debating whether the food I had after work at someone's leaving do constitutes dinner (I feel full, so it really should!), or whether I should eat more when I get home (as I am greedy!). I think I will "compromise" and eat biscuits! I can't imagine why my diet isn't working! 😁

It sounds like you were right to get mad at your sister! I would put the issue of what to do, if anything, regarding an apology to her, to one side until you feel a bit better.

I've also always had people say I was oversensitive, and then get annoyed when I didn't share my feelings. Er, that's trying to have it both ways! I think some people are just a bit rubbish at getting on with people who are different from them. Basically it's not you, it's them!

How is your evening going? Big hugs for you. I feel for you so much with everything you say. And so many people are of the mindset that if your disability or illness means you’re unable to do something it’s because you ‘need to try harder’. I’ve been tormented by that attitude for years, but the last year or so it just makes me angry - I’m not naturally as sunny and well-dispositioned as you!

What crafting do you like to do? Could you make something to send your two youngest for them to enjoy during his holiday? And yes, I hope you have an extended stay; I hate the idea of you being alone when that clearly would be so detrimental to anyone’s wellbeing who is struggling through such pains.

Hi Munchyseeds2.
I hope you’ve had a nice day ?
Compared to yesterday I would say today I’m ok. Still feel sad, heartbroken and missing my children more and more each day but I’ve only broke down a few times today so that’s progress.
I had a nice conversation with my daughter via texts earlier and I normally give her a college allowance but I havnt whilst I’ve been homeless but I ordered 3 cardigans she had seen on asos and some make up for her today and she rang me at tea time before she went to work and we had a little talk. So I feel better about that . I’ve backed off giving her grief and it’s working so thank you to all that gave me advice .
I was meant to be leaving tomorrow as it’s only a max 7 day crisis house but they don’t think I’m ready and also it’s the races this weekend so no hotels available so they have agreed I can stay until Monday. I’m absolutely dreading it tbh .
I sat outside in the garden for abit earlier , made me feel abit calm looking at all the yellow leaves on the floor and the trees . I havnt had anything to eat yet today so I’ve made myself put a jacket potato in the oven and I’ve asked the councillor if we can have a chat because I havnt spoke to anybody all day and it does me no good xx