Need a hand hold

[Imbluedalale]

That’s just it really. I really need a cuddle but that’s not possible so can anybody just support me right now? My mental health is on the floor right now I’ve never felt as low it’s making me feel so ill

@Imbluedalale yes, very cute but also a 23kg border collie! My head is just not big enough to be a bed for him 🤣

Having better & worse days will be your normal for a while, I should imagine. I suppose the upshot of that is you'll notice when the better start outnumbering the worse - which will absolutely happen at some point! It's just this shitty interim period you have to inhabit in the meantime.

I would also guess that there is nothing the nurse will not have seen before. If there is anyone you don't need to put a face on for, it's nurses. Which is exactly what you need at the moment, not having to expend energy pretending to be 'ok', just wear your good & bad days as they are & start each morning without expectations of what that day will bring. Sleep is your reset time!

Fingers crossed for some dramatic weather & beautiful clouds out of your window today xx

Awww he sounds lovely ☺️
Well I’ve managed to have a shower and used my nice luxury shower gel from M&S it’s coconut smelling and I’ve got some vitamin C eye patches under my eyes so I’m all fresh now.
Today is one of those bad day I think but I’m trying to plough through . I once read that when you are missing somebody to look up at the sky and say ‘same sky’ it helps me whilst I can’t be with my children I know that we are sharing the same sky so we are somehow still together .

I’m sorry today is harder, but you’re doing so well and you will keep getting better. Big big hugs. Is there anything we can do to help?

My plan is sleep mostly! I have chronic illnesses and disabilities that take a lot of energy to manage and I’m a night-owl, so rest in the afternoons is my norm! Then I have a letter to finish, and want to do a plan for the week, and continue working on revising my goals - I need to adapt them to my current situation.

Sending loads of love your way ❤️

Here's lots more hugs coming your way!! I bet that nurse wasn't just being kind - you are a lovely person and I bet that shines out from you. I hope you day is going ok - I hope you had a great shower. I'm currently sat on the sofa watching Miss Marple (the Joan Hickson one) - you can't beat a Miss Marple! :)

Sorry it’s been a tougher day OP, but you sound as though you’ve taken really positive steps to get through it. Onwards, one step/hour/minute at a time. Love the same sky mantra, I do the same with the moon (time zones permitting!).

Don’t be sorry TealPoet.
It’s not your fault it’s just life I guess . I’ve been very teary today. I messaged all my children my eldest sent a sarky message back saying ‘nice of you to get in touch’ I just said I loved him and miss him. Last time we spoke was day I had to leave and he wasn’t very nice to me and laughed when he found I was going to be homeless in a hotel. My daughter has been texting me but that upset me abit as she said she’s moved into my bedroom and she was just organising it (ex has given our bedroom to her and moved into hers) I don’t know why I’m upset about that and I’m glad she’s happy it’s just I think ‘life goes on without me’ and I’m not missed I guess.
I’m sorry to hear you have chronic illness’s but I’m glad to hear you are able to rest. You seem to have everything fit together and are very organised. And still make time to message me on here and give me support . Thank you x

Thank you for the hugs ChoccieCornflake.
Your afternoon sounds lovely , I love getting cosy in front of telly on a cold rainy Sunday afternoon .
My shower was nice Thanku , I look a mess but I’m clean and smelling nice.
I managed to have a little giggle and gave the new resident a giggle this afternoon. I went into the kitchen and the new resident was in there that came yesterday and he looked up at me and I said ‘Hi are you ok’ and we both started laughing because obviously we are not ok otherwise we wouldn’t be here but it broke the ice I guess . He offered me some of his mums sausage casserole bless him but I wasn’t feeling hungry .

Hi Ruralretreating.
I hope you have had a nice day? Yes it’s been a tough one today but I’ve been trying to keep my mind busy. I’ve been told there’s a new nurse on tonight and he’s very eccentric apparently so I’m looking forward to meeting him. I’ve read some of my book and had a hot pot and a yoghurt for my tea . I love looking at the moon at night , there’s big bay windows here and first night when the blinds were shut the moon shone through and made a little cosy light in my room

I'm so glad you are having a giggle - that's great news, even if it's about the dark situation! Miss Marple has finished, and now Poirot is on - bliss!

You really do seem so very lovely, we’re all rooting for you - I hope you know that!

It’s so sad but your children have had that poisonous voice in their ears just as you have. And it will take time for it to die. You’re doing the right thing I’m sure to keep just a hold with the older two and closer to the youngest. And yes, same sky for you all, even when it’s grey!

You’re kind to say I seem to have it together - I try to but sometimes it feels overwhelming doesn’t it!

Big hugs again for the evening, and if I don’t make it back, for a better night for you. Keep going!

Ignore the sarcy comment from son. He’s probably hurt (not your fault). Keep calm and steadfast. Chin up x

A bit of a mixed day for me too OP but thank you for asking. Nothing of the magnitude you are dealing with. I’m now so curious about the eccentric nurse, will look forward to hearing more.

Can really tell through your posts that you are making efforts to notice and be grateful for the small, beautiful or amusing things, which must be positive in terms of mental health. I think I need to take a leaf out of your book! Wishing you a good night’s sleep!

Sounds like you’ve had a lovely evening watching your favourite tv ChoccieCornflake.
I’ve just made a cup of tea and going to read some more before I go to sleep 😴

Thank you very much TealPoet.
The wind is howling here tonight theres trees outside and the branches keep touching the window .
If my eldest doesn’t want a relationship anymore it’s something that I will have to come to terms with he’s nearly 19, but I’m not going to allow him to call me names or push me again when he doesn’t get his own way. It would hurt me but hopefully one day he will see that I love him and we can try and fixing our relationship. My daughter I think thinks all this is great for her at the moment , she’s gets the big bedroom and ex throws money at her if he needs any cleaning doing etc . But hopefully when I get a house things will be different and I’ll be able to se me them. And if ex won’t let me it will have to go to court.
Yes I get the overwhelming part but your doing it and you seem to be smashing it so keep doing what your doing .
Hope you have a lovely night x

Thank you Apolloneuro.
I did choose to ignore it and if he knew where I was now he would probably laugh again . Hopefully can try and mend our relationship once I’ve hopefully got sorted and got a home x

Awwww sorry that hear that Ruralretreating.
I hope you managed to get everything sorted out .
Ok so the eccentric nurse is actually lovely . I was going back to my room and there’s this huge staircase and this man starts gliding towards me he’s got a huge mop of red hair and he had a sweeping brush and spade thing in his house and he just keeping stopping and going sweeping up and dating the walls . I can hear him now humming and I can hear the sweep sweep of the brush apparently he does it for hours . It’s quite relaxing actually .
I hope you manage to get a good sleep and I will keep you updated on the nurse bless him

I’ve worked with kids for 40 years. They love their mums. Just try to make sure you stand true and don’t mess them around and they’ll come back to you, in time.

That’s reassuring Apolloneuro.
Thank you . I’ll leave it a few days and text my eldest again .

Thanks OP, I appreciate it. Lots of stuff not going quite right, it will take a while but will move past it. Need to do as you are doing and notice the little good things. No eccentric nurses here sweeping walls but I’m sure I can find something! I’m in bed with a cold so WFH but actually quite grateful for the chance to rest. How are you today?

Awww hope you feel better soon Ruralretreating.
Hope you manage to get lots of rest!
I feel terrible today tbh , didn’t sleep a wink last night and I’m really struggling with my thoughts and obviously I miss my children like crazy.
Im trying to hold the tears in I don’t know why but what I keep thinking about today is when my children were younger and in primary school and I always seemed to be rushing with work , looking after children and a home but now when I look back I feel guilty because there was a park next to the school and my children wanted to go every day after school and sometimes I said no because I had to do something else but now I wish I had taken them more and appreciated what I had more with them instead of rushing through everything . I didn’t realise then that one day I’d be living without them

Big big hugs for you today. Intrusive thoughts are always at their worst when you’re tired and hungry, so try to take care of yourself!

You sometimes couldn’t spare the time to let your kids play in the park? Wow were they the lucky ones! You’ve obviously done so much for them, but now you’re trying to hold yourself to an impossible standard! They’ve been loved, nourished, protected, taught… you’ve been a great mum, haven’t you? :)

Thank you TealPoet.
Really really need a cuddle today . I am very tired but I can’t seem to switch off I’ve been trying to do a routine and get all ready for bed , lights off and phone away but I just toss and turn.
It’s been 2 weeks tomorrow since I’ve seen my children and it’s been the worst 2 weeks of my life.
I knew ex was going to be difficult but I never ever imagined he would keep my children from me.
Everyone says I need to get strong and be fighting fit in case he takes me to court but I don’t think I’ve got or ever have any fight in me again . My eldest hates me anyway and I walk on eggshells with him so I don’t upset him and so that he doesn’t go into his verbal tirade of how much he hates me and all other things he says . My daughter thinks life’s great now as she’s got her own bedroom and ex throws money at her whenever she needs it and I’m just worrying that youngest will start to hate me too. I used to be somebody before I got with ex , I had a good job , a house , a car now I’ve got nothing. Main reason for carrying on was my children and I’m losing them too

Oh OP, that’s a rough day. If it helps, every working parent, probably any parent especially of more than 1 child feels that guilt. I feel it daily. Try to take the learning on how much those times mean to you, without too much of the guilt. Your youngest has been demonstrating how he cares for you, try not to worry about whether that will change unless there is real evidence it will. Daughter may appreciate the material things now but long term love support and honesty will win out. Eldest is hard, but take it step by step.

You absolutely are somebody. Not because of what you have or do as a job but the real innate qualities you have. They shine through this thread.

Thank you Ruralretreating.
You are so very kind to pick me up when I’m struggling even though you are unwell yourself.
Ive just had my mental health nurse come and visit me with the home treatment team . She has been my case worker for over a year and she knows everything. We’ve had a good talk and I’ve had a good cry. She keeps telling me that I need to focus on me right now but I’m finding that so hard . I’ve been reading abit but I find myself stopping reading at certain times and thinking I shouldn’t be reading I should be thinking of my children . I eat something nice and think x,y or z would like this and it makes me feel guilty I shouldn’t be eating nice things . I’m struggling to focus on anything at the moment other than thoughts of my children.

Update on housing I didn’t get the houses I bid for but out of over 100+ applicants I came 2nd and 3rd for preference. Also this crisis house I’m at only is for max 7 days but they have agreed I can stay until after next weekend as it’s the races this weekend and they will struggle to find a hotel for Fri/sat/sun . How nice is that. I’m going to be forever grateful to the NHS for all what they are doing for me

Massive hugs! You absolutely should be focusing on you! Quite apart from anything else, your children need you to be well, so you need to make sure you are ok, so you can be there for them. Get yourself well, for them (and for you too!). Eat ALL the nice things and enjoy your book!

And as Ruralretreating said, you definitely are someone - a very lovely someone!!