To be devastated that my husband won't let our 2yo be a 2yo

[anonymousi]

He works full time, I'm a SAHM. When he gets home around 6-7 the house is a mess because I've been looking after our DD all day and cooked dinner (so DD would have been playing with her toys in the same room as I cook). My husband likes to bring this up in arguments or if there's a particularly big pile of toys sigh, roll his eyes, say something like "you girls have been busy" or "daddy's going to have to clean this up now eh". The reality is, yes daddy has to clean this up because I will tidy up the kitchen area after DC mealtime and prepare her for bed, then put her to bed. Of course, as she's 2 she understands what's being said and I don't want her to grow up to the sound of "urgh don't get your toys out" "no don't tip all the pencils out of your box" - if she's drawing she needs her pencils. The house is never dirty, just mess in the sense of toys scattered. And if I ever have him watch her he will keep getting grumpy at her every time she tries to take a toy out - LILLY, NO! Urghhh why did you get your legos! If she spills a drink "LOOK FORWARDS when you're eating" or "why did you tip that??" I've tried explaining that kids play, that part of their development is dropping things and exploring how they fall, that she's excited to play with her toys as she should be.

There's no way he can do bedtime duty because it would just stress her out - for example during bedtime stories if she gets out a second book or tries to colour and tips her pencils out, he will complain at her. The bath - same - why are you splashing water everywhere, why did you throw that bath toy out, now I'm all wet.

To avoid a drip feed I'll add that I'm a SAHM because we both saved £££ before having our DD, so no he isn't fully funding me. My family have also helped out financially so allow me to be a SAHM as it's always been my dream. We have a cleaner who comes 2 times per week to deep clean (whereas I do more of a daily surface clean) so the house is clean, hygienic and safe.

Don’t know what to tell you but I wouldn’t be tolerating his whiny behavior. Tell him to knock it off.

Don't bother being devastated, get fucking furious and giving him a good telling off. What a prick!

Do you mean your stb exdh?

My ex was like that, still is now a little, even though she's 5 now, used to drive me up the wall. On one occasion, when she was crying, he said, she'll have to learn she can't always get her own way........she was 8 months old!!!!!! I had to remind him on too many occasions of how old she was and she wouldn't have full capability of understanding what he was saying or trying to get her to do, or not do, and to get a fucking grip on himself!!!!

My DH tried that when mine where little I just told him not to bother coming home until they'd all grown up. He shut up. Your DH is a twat as was mine but he grew out of it.

In my experience men who fuss about tidiness/toys in the house when they come home are always controlling arseholes. He's putting in place rules for you and your dd, you might not even realise they are there, but you know when you break them. Classic for it to become noticeable when you have a child and I'll bet it will become worse.

Was there any indication he was an anal, intolerant, nit picky, naggy, unrealistic wanker before you had a child with him?

You need to change the dynamic here and start standing up for yourself and DD. You don't have to be aggressive, just be calm, assertive and firm. "No, she's done nothing wrong - don't speak to her like that, please. She needs to tip her pencils out so that she can reach them all."

You've explained that you being a SAHM was a mutual decision and one that you prepared for financially. So don't let him force you into this dynamic where you're the kept woman at home and he's the one in authority. Push back. Every time.

FFS Nurseries encourage children to put away their toys from the baby room. Encouraging her to do the same isn’t harming her development. It’s setting age appropriate boundaries. At 2 she should be putting toys away (at least into the box) before taking another one out. It shouldn’t be for you or your DH to do.

My ex was like this. Just wanted them sitting quietly watching TV rather than doing anything involving the possibility of noise or mess. Now they are a little older they can tidy up after themselves so it's a short stage really. I make them tidy one thing before getting out another which helps a lot.

But anyway it's your choice as to whether to allow him to behave like this. He doesn't sound great as a partner or parent.

He won't change spontaneously so you need to tell him to knock it on the head sooner rather than later.

Not a SAHM but ny OH once (while DC was literally hanging onto his leg) said 'I think he's done a poo' like I needed to drop what I was doing (chores) and deal with it. It caused an argument but he started pulling his finger out on the parenting front after that.

I couldn't stand mess after a full day's work and would hate to come home to it. I'm a woman but just putting my view out there!
And how does being at home with one child - and a cleaner - stop you from tidying anyway?!
Sorry, it won't be popular, but I'm with him. That said, I wouldn't stress out the child with it, and we still had a billion toys, so I'm not against those. I just hate a messy living space!

Hard to say. He's always been tidy and maybe made jokes about the fact that my make up brushes are out everywhere but I'm not really untidy myself and didn't scatter my things like a 2yo so it was perhaps more difficult to see.
He thinks he's got OCD and I don't disagree

But if she's just started drawing does she have to put all her pencils in a box immediately?
If she wants to play with Lego does she have to search for pieces one by one in a box?
You can encourage her but no 2 year old will do it every time you ask.

1. as mentioned in the post, at the point of him coming home I've just cooked dinner / am finishing up. My daughter has been playing semi independently near me. Either dinner will burn whilst I'm running after her tidying toys / encouraging her to tidy or there will be toys scattered
2. not a full time cleaner
3. because I actually sit with my child and spend time with her rather than nagging the whole time about tidying or going "just a minute let me put that away" and ignoring her wanting to play

She can have fun all day but that doesn't mean spending 15min at 5pm popping a few toys in the box is going to harm her? Its a good pattern to get into.
And if i was reading to my toddlers then yeah id discourage them from going and getting another book/tipping out crayons, rather than actually listening and engaging with the book - he's actually helping to build her focus and concentration skills by encouraging her to stay engaged rather than tipping out crayons?

It sounds like theres a balance to be struck here - you dont need to be constantly tidying but surely you'd tidy up even a little before he gets home, a lot of people wouldn't like to arrive home to a bombsite its hardly relaxing is it. Make putting a few toys in their boxes into a game, encourage her to sort, 'cars in this box, sylvanians in here, can put the animals together?'

Well, he does sound like a moaning prick who doesn't understand children. But there is nothing wrong with teaching a child even that young that there is a "tidy up time" which they can join in with. Nurseries do it. It would be carnage if they didn't.

So tipping all the pencils out the box to find the colour she wants - fine. But she needs to put them back in the box afterwards, and you can help her do it rather than do it all for her. Tipping them all out (as with the rest of her toys) for no reason other than to get a reaction from you or dad, or after they've been put away for the night and she's been told that as they were going away - not fine.

Spashing in the bath - fine, it's what kids do, it's physics at its most basic level! And fun! Deliberately throwing bath toys full of water out of the bath onto the floor - not fine.

Getting a second book out now and again during bedtime stories because she doesn't like the first story - fine. Getting a second book out after she's been told that it's just one book at bed time and then sleep - not fine. But make it fair for her and give her warning of how many books she can have, and let her choose what you're going to read.

Only you know whether Dad is just being too strict and a bit of a prick or if he's trying to instil a bit of good order and sense of caring for your belongings amidst chaos and boundary-pushing.

Oooh - that passive aggressive tone when one parent says ‘mummy’s done this, silly mummy’ or ‘daddy’s been messy, now we need to clean it’ - just so unnecessary and unbecoming. He sounds very partronising.
He should be very grateful to have you and DD, not moaning about a couple of pencils on the floor.

I think you need to meet in the middle. I was a SAHM, we would have a tidy up time before I started cooking and then I used to let them choose to do a puzzle or watch tv or draw etc while I was cooking. It made things calmer to signal the end of the day and less tidying to do after I'd finished cooking. By that point in the day I also wanted a tidier house.
One of us would put the DCs to bed and the other would tidy the kitchen and the few toys.
Agree with PP that DD shouldn't be throwing toys out of the bath of trying to get colouring pencils out a bed time.
The comments from your DH are unhelpful too.
Can you both sit down and agree a compromise?

Think there's a compromise here. My child is younger than yours and knows that if she wants a different colour she puts the pen she's holding back first. Maybe look at the storage system? A pot rather than a pencil case for instance so she can see them without tipping them?

Same for other toys. There's only so much floor space so fine to get one set of things out, but she helps you put that away before the next toy comes out. Especially Duplo...

It depends if you have most the toys out in the house of just a couple. I don’t think there’s any needs for most rooms to be a mess, but two or three toys out in the kitchen while you prepare dinner is fine. I’m with him on the bath though, we’ve always taught our kids eager stays in the bath else they get out!

Aww this breaks my heart too.

He sounds autistic - do you think that could be the case?

This. His tone would annoy me but also with a cleaner coming regularly and one dc it honestly isn't hard to keep the house tidy. Need to find a compromise...

Well, I'd tidy up before I cooked dinner (and would probably tidy toys up as we went through the day, teaching by example that it's important to keep things tidy and together). DD can watch TV or do some colouring at the table etc whilst you cook.
A bedtime story is a wind-down, so there shouldn't be colouring pencils got out during this activity. Listening to a story also helps to form habits of concentration over a period of time.
I agree with your DH about throwing stuff out of the bath, colouring in during story time etc. but his comments are not helpful. You need to compromise here - being a SAHM (such a derogatory term, I think) doesn't mean your DC does what she likes and messes up the house all the time - it would drive me scatty.

What does he say when you tell him he's an unreasonable, grumpy man who is dampening the spirit of his 2 year old daughter?