To be devastated that my husband won't let our 2yo be a 2yo

[anonymousi]

He works full time, I'm a SAHM. When he gets home around 6-7 the house is a mess because I've been looking after our DD all day and cooked dinner (so DD would have been playing with her toys in the same room as I cook). My husband likes to bring this up in arguments or if there's a particularly big pile of toys sigh, roll his eyes, say something like "you girls have been busy" or "daddy's going to have to clean this up now eh". The reality is, yes daddy has to clean this up because I will tidy up the kitchen area after DC mealtime and prepare her for bed, then put her to bed. Of course, as she's 2 she understands what's being said and I don't want her to grow up to the sound of "urgh don't get your toys out" "no don't tip all the pencils out of your box" - if she's drawing she needs her pencils. The house is never dirty, just mess in the sense of toys scattered. And if I ever have him watch her he will keep getting grumpy at her every time she tries to take a toy out - LILLY, NO! Urghhh why did you get your legos! If she spills a drink "LOOK FORWARDS when you're eating" or "why did you tip that??" I've tried explaining that kids play, that part of their development is dropping things and exploring how they fall, that she's excited to play with her toys as she should be.

There's no way he can do bedtime duty because it would just stress her out - for example during bedtime stories if she gets out a second book or tries to colour and tips her pencils out, he will complain at her. The bath - same - why are you splashing water everywhere, why did you throw that bath toy out, now I'm all wet.

To avoid a drip feed I'll add that I'm a SAHM because we both saved £££ before having our DD, so no he isn't fully funding me. My family have also helped out financially so allow me to be a SAHM as it's always been my dream. We have a cleaner who comes 2 times per week to deep clean (whereas I do more of a daily surface clean) so the house is clean, hygienic and safe.

I'm on the fence with this one.

He is obviously being grumpy with her, which I wouldn't like either, but is part of the reason because he's coming home to mess everywhere, and she is then getting everything out and not putting anything away and he is then having to put it all away.. teaching her about putting things away as you go may make him more tolerant of her getting things out.

Ultimately though, this is who he is as a parent, I know you didn't have a crystal ball when you chose to have a child with him, but that is who he is when it comes to mess/toys/splashing etc and his parenting style, so you need to accept that.. as long as he isn't doing anything to hurt her he should be allowed to parent her in his own way without you micro managing. Restricting him from doing certain things because it isn't the way you do them, is a going to backfire on you spectacularly and will negatively affect their relationship as well as your own.

I think it's hard as the SAHM and default parent but it's really important that you let them forge their own relationship, and part of that is stepping back and letting him deal with things in his own way, kids soon learn that their parents/grandparents/caregivers all have different boundaries and learn to act accordingly.

Couldn’t agree more.

My children always put their toys away…even if just thrown into a toy basket. It’s just a normal expectation and their Dad came home to a fairly tidy house ! Likewise when I had worked a 12 hour shift I welcomed the house being ok .

🙄 on behalf of all actual ocd sufferers everywhere please get him to look it up before he diagnoses himself. OCD isn’t the cleaning illness.

Do you actually have children?

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For the Lego and small toys, my grandchildren, both families use a huge ottoman tray. They can build Lego, colour etc without losing anything

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Op, that is genuinely sad. My heart breaks for your DD. My 2yo is allowed to tip her pencils, pull down as many books from the shelves as she’d like, splash water in the bath — heck, she’s even allowed to paint herself with her paints if that’s what she wants to do. …none of these things are worth getting stressed about.

to me it sounds like your partner has other stuff going on, because that’s just absurd to get so flustered over a child LIVING in her home.

No, introducing clean up time and such is not harming her development but you know what is? Her father’s negativity and annoyance at her presence.

Your husband is being a bit anal but there is no problem with saying to a child that you have to tidy your pencils away before you move on to the next game etc . If you start instilling being tidy at that age it won’t be such an issue later on when you want them to have relatively tidy bedrooms etc .

BS.
Does it make you feel better, attacking other posters personally??
You change your name often, don't you?
Team husband here, children should be taught discipline and there's nothing wrong with that.

Whaaaa? if she can't see all her pencils at once she's got too many? I am an adult who does art as a hobby, and I have more pencils than I can see at once and YES, I need all of those colours. Why should a kid be deprived of the same chance to do art?

I think there is a middle ground. I agree with posts that say learning to tidy is a good skill to develop.

How come meal times are taking so long to prepare or cook to the point toys are strewn everywhere in the kitchen to evening time when your DH gets home? I’m a relaxed person with mess to a point but I couldn’t sit on a mess all day to 6pm.

I’m a mum to a 2 year old and work PT. Doesn’t matter if working or not, there are lots of quick options for healthy and fast meal prep. Just something to think about (can you fast tack the cooking process?), might lighten your load not to be stuck for ages cooking and toys strewn everywhere. It might give you a little time to put your feet up and have a tea, if DD is busy with toys for a bit. Just get some big baskets and throw all toys in when not being used and teach DD to do this. Really fast way to clear space.

I’ve got a 2.5 year old. Our house is carnage. I have daily cleaners. I’m slightly suprised by everyone saying to get her tidying away but I’ll try this and you’re right she does do it at nursery. To @anonymousi your DH doesn’t sound like he spends enough time really engaging with DD and getting used to way children play. I also think it’s a bit futile you both having very different ideas of how to parents. Suggest a frank conversation. Read the book you’ll wish your parents read by Philipa Perry for both of you and you could discuss to try to get onto same page more. You need to be a team.

An excellent question there.

There are clearly many, many posters here who haven't spent a day with a two year old and have absolutely no idea how they play.

This silly notion that they engage with toys as designed, for starters, reveals a lack of understanding. Then we move on to ignorance of the freeflowing nature of play in two year olds. They don't move neatly from one activity to another, obligingly allowing the adult to engage them in clean-up because they've clearly finished.

They don't have a wide enough frame of reference to help them understand materials the way adults do, so they play with toys or materials in novel and fluid ways. It is hardly ever clear when one 'activity' is over and another one is beginning.

This is because 'activity' is the wrong term for toddler play. Very often, materials will be played with on and off every few minutes throughout the day, or co-opted from one enactment to another - a doll will be fed bits of Lego, crayons will be wheeled around in a little truck, blocks will be rattled in a bucket, etc.

Curbing this normal and natural type of play is pointless and not advisable. It's a case of poorly informed adults foisting their own preoccupations on the developing child.

OP, I was a stay at home mum like you and very similar dynamic with my DH. In the end, we decided there would be one area where he could relax, eg. Living room, which would be clean and tidy. Maybe when he comes home, he could snuggle up with DD and watch some TV together.

Now I work with 2-4 year olds, I realise he was more right than I gave him credit for. I was a bit too 'free' and it didn't do my kids any favours. Children do need to learn not just have too much freedom to do whatever they want - and it does sound if you're a bit too close to that. She will only learn if you teach her and right now you're creating a child that will struggle at school to follow routines and listen to adults. She is 2 but she's learning to be 3 and you can have a higher expectation of her. Somewhere between the both of you is ideal, but instead of fighting your own corners, agreeing a compromise is best.

You've had some great advice on this thread. For example, I don't think DD should be getting pencils or toys out at bedtime. Maybe you need to transition her into being able to just have a story or 2 and he could do this if she learned (won't take more than a week if you keep saying, it's story time not playtime). She doesn't need to tip all her toys into the bath, just a few and certainly not chuck them out of the bath, which does deserve to be corrected. Maybe work with dh on HOW he corrects things, tone of voice rather than saying. Maybe figure out a routine together like TV, food, bath, then colouring and then story and do the same every night.

How he communicates is concerning. The constant nagging and negativity and pick pick picking will have a long term negative effect. Does he talk to you like this generally too? Is he on the spectrum struggling with internal stress.when anything is out of place or is he intentionally manipulative. It’s concerning he can’t get to grips with 2 year old behaviour and is clearly not reflecting/learning and changing his behaviour. It might help him to take her to a couple of toddler groups so he’s thrown in the deep end and can see how other parents behave.

No this is vastly over simplifying it- there's only a couple of replies that seem like this.

The consensus seems to be he's handling the situation like an absolute arsehole, BUT it is is not unreasonable to think that a SAHM with a cleaner could not help her single child tidy up throughout the day or after play, so it's not messy to the degree it needs a parent to dedicate a chunk of time tidying after dinner.

I would agree with that, myself.

Why can't kids do a general tidy up (with the SAHM) before lunch, and another before tea time, though? Pretty sure that's what we all mean when we say tidy through the day.

I've three, had extensive maternity leaves with each, and personally feel that teaching tidying through the day to be a really useful skill and a good way to spend quality time together doing it.

You're replying to outlandish things that aren't actually being suggested.

If he came home and said hello and then ‘oooo Lucy dinner is nearly ready, let’s tidy up these magnatiles!’ and then they did it together and nothing more was said then I’d think YABU. There is a huge difference between ’every toy we own is out and I haven’t tidied a single thing all day’ and ‘a 2y/o has been building with duplo while dinner cooked & now that toy needs tidying’.

Your DH needs to consider why his mental health as a grown adult (OCD/autism/whatever the issue) is the responsibility of a 2 year old to manage and minimise. Kids make mess, they splash in the bath, they drop cutlery or spill drinks. All a normal part of life, how he manages that is his responsibility and not hers. And if he can’t cope then he needs to see his GP and take next steps because it’s not fair to criticise and belittle a small child for being a small child.

But the fact it sounds like he’s a whining passive aggressive dick who does minimal parenting and is incapable of setting boundaries and being a parent, YANBU.

For the same reason that you read books with, presumably, chapters and dialogue and complex plot, and 2 year olds read board books with simple rhymes.

Of course a 2 year old can make art with, say, 8-10 colours. Somehow I feel her creative spirit will survive such a restriction lol.

Well If I came home after a day out or at work would it be OK for my husband to have the place in a mess?should I offer to tidy or act like it's no big deal?

Sounds like my XH. I don't miss Christmas and birthday present unwrapping with him snapping at the kids for not putting the wrapping paper away the moment they open a gift.

Of course.

The parent at home probably hasn't had the time to pick his nose all day, or the opportunity to finish a thought in his own head.

Do you consider yourself a kind person?
A person who is willing to walk a mile in someone else's shoes?
Or someone who feels the other person owes you something because you make more money than they do?

Do you think the person who has been at home all day dealing with shit, snot, tantrums, food thrown on the floor, constant interruptions, whining, getting their hair pulled, no privacy in the bathroom, and cbeebies would like to see the cheerful, loving face of someone willing to be a partner to them walking through the door, and hear friendly, encouraging words, or would they like to see lips curled in disapproval, and sneering about what they've been up to all day?