To be devastated that my husband won't let our 2yo be a 2yo

[anonymousi]

He works full time, I'm a SAHM. When he gets home around 6-7 the house is a mess because I've been looking after our DD all day and cooked dinner (so DD would have been playing with her toys in the same room as I cook). My husband likes to bring this up in arguments or if there's a particularly big pile of toys sigh, roll his eyes, say something like "you girls have been busy" or "daddy's going to have to clean this up now eh". The reality is, yes daddy has to clean this up because I will tidy up the kitchen area after DC mealtime and prepare her for bed, then put her to bed. Of course, as she's 2 she understands what's being said and I don't want her to grow up to the sound of "urgh don't get your toys out" "no don't tip all the pencils out of your box" - if she's drawing she needs her pencils. The house is never dirty, just mess in the sense of toys scattered. And if I ever have him watch her he will keep getting grumpy at her every time she tries to take a toy out - LILLY, NO! Urghhh why did you get your legos! If she spills a drink "LOOK FORWARDS when you're eating" or "why did you tip that??" I've tried explaining that kids play, that part of their development is dropping things and exploring how they fall, that she's excited to play with her toys as she should be.

There's no way he can do bedtime duty because it would just stress her out - for example during bedtime stories if she gets out a second book or tries to colour and tips her pencils out, he will complain at her. The bath - same - why are you splashing water everywhere, why did you throw that bath toy out, now I'm all wet.

To avoid a drip feed I'll add that I'm a SAHM because we both saved £££ before having our DD, so no he isn't fully funding me. My family have also helped out financially so allow me to be a SAHM as it's always been my dream. We have a cleaner who comes 2 times per week to deep clean (whereas I do more of a daily surface clean) so the house is clean, hygienic and safe.

Men really can't win with some people on here, can they?
Her husband works full-time, comes home at 7pm and is greeted by piles of toys which he then has to out away, whilst op has been at home all day, with a 2 year old???
Maybe it's always been his dream to come home to a tidy house, seeing as he's paying for it. Especially as they have a cleaner too!!
No wonder he's fed up, most people would.
Nobody is saying that children don't make a mess or that we're going back to the 50s or any of that crap, but what's the problem in at least tidying up as you go along and teaching your dd to help a little too, or is that not in your job description of being a SAHM, op?

We’ve used a ‘choose it, use it then tidy it up’ approach with DD since she was about 2, so she would get her colouring pens out and play with those, but then they wouldn’t remain scattered everywhere when she moved onto the next thing. I rotated some empty baskets when she was little, so she could pile things into the basket if needed and they could be sorted out later. In the end it’s all work of some kind isn’t it, childcare, external work, commuting, household chores - don’t make more of it for yourselves

Our children always had to put a toy away before getting another one out. We always had tidy up time before bathtime. After bathtime was quiet time. Mine didn't sleep much and stayed up until 9 or later but had to play quietly in the sitting room because I was shattered. Looking at books, toddler puzzles, etc.

It's all so long ago but sometimes we went to friends where all the toys were out and it seemed a chaotic muddle and I could not have lived like that.

I am tidy rather than pernickety. DH is pernickety and v v tidy. He would have been discombobulated walking into a toy strewn house. He'd never have been nasty to the children though.

But her husband is not her employer doing a performance review, no one gets to define what her job as a SAHM is. If she is happy with the toys being out, then so be it. If he is not happy, then he can tidy or learn to live with it. Or he can pay someone to do it.

And the "he's paying for it" is definitely coming straight from the 50s'...

He does pay, they have a cleaner! Op still can't put the toys away, she admits herself there's sometimes a particularly large pile....would you really be happy in this situation if you were the husband?

Along with paying someone do the cleaning 🙄. FFS, this is one child and unless they live in Buckingham Palace or the child is feral, it should be perfectly possible to raise the child well and happily in a clean and tidy home - where said child learns to respect her things and her parents home and boundaries.

I use mugs for the pencils easy to see what needs sharpening. A log basket for all the crafting stuff and a wooden antique chest for the rest. The Lego goes in a small ottoman.

As a grandparent I've picked up a few tricks along the way.

We have a tidy up too. Which they do at nursery and school.

Ahhh this is a hard one because you are both right

He doesn't want to come home to toys everywhere and you don't want your child not to play

Can you compromise. Just have a quick 19 mintire tidy before he comes home and set out an activity for your child for when he comes in? Perhaps an activity they could do together ? Or an activity you and your child could do together just so he walks into a bit of peace.

Then after that he may adjust his attitude and if your child starts making a mess after he's home then as PP suggest you need some sort of system. Like out away a toy before getting another one? Pencils in certain place like a desk area, Lego's in a box with one of those mats attached so she can do the legos on the mat then you just roll up the mat with the Lego on and goes straight back into the box .

Hey OP

I do see your DH's point

If I'd been out at work all day, the last thing I'd want to walk into is an untidy house. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the majority of toys to be put away. Not having to start tidying up when he walks in the door might make him more tolerant in other areas of your dd playing.

He can finish of tea while you do bath time or whatever instead and you might get some time in the evening to actually be a couple rather than getting p*ssed off with each other

Stick a tidy up song on and get your dd to help. Nursery and school always implement putting toys away and tidy up time - you'll be doing your dd a favour teaching her.

Perhaps look at different storage for the crayons (a tray or a caddy so she can see them all and encourage her to put them back after she's used them)

amzn.eu/d/5JIYuQH one of these for the Lego

If I was paying a nanny, probably not. If it was my husband, then yes I would be fine with it.

Currently we both work full time, and when we come back from work at 6pm we tidy the toys they've got out in the morning before we left, we cook dinner, we take of the kids etc together. It's part of being a parent. Her husband does nothing at home, the minimum is that he helps tidying.

You do you, OP does what she wants in her home.

Easy. (Easier said than done) Stop cooking dinner and tidy up. You feed yourself and DD at lunch time. Snack for tea. He can't have it both ways.

No he doesn’t.

It's not just her home though is it, it's her husbands as well. It sounds like a balance between the two is reasonable. If OP has no issue with them throwing toys around at bathtime, splashing so water go everywhere and tipping pencils over at bedtime then you can imagine what the house is like.

Surely you know, deep down, that if you did the tidying up of the toys etc he wouldn't find it a problem.

He's yet another man that thinks having a partner that stays at home, absolves him of having to anything around the house or with his own child.

He needs reminding of this and if he can't cope with putting toys back in a box then he needs to look elsewhere for a life that he can cope with

If her husband wants a tidy home, he can teach his daughter to tidy her toys when he comes home from work and on the weekends.
Not force his wife to do it by saying her job is "substandard". OP was very clear the house isn't a tip, that's the compromise.

My point was that OP should let her husband teach his standards to his daughter. And I agree that she is unreasonable not to let him.

I completely agree with this, I have a 3 year old and would never let the house get so messy. If I came home to a messy house and my husband hadn’t tidied up all day I wouldn’t be happy

He sounds awful. He's been away from his 2 year old child all day and the minute he gets home, instead of being delighted to see her, he is complaining about her toys not being tidied away.

This would drive me nuts too. I would hate to come home to a messy living area. The obvious answer is play the tidy up game prior to starting supper. I recall tidy up time, then a spot of CBeebies whilst I got supper prepped. Dinner with Dad and then sharing the load by alternating bath / stories / milk / teeth / lights out.

Children thrive with age appropriate boundaries. You are a family and everybody's needs should be considered, or you run the risk of a whiny indulged child.

You see I think this is crap. Just because he is a man who works out of the home, doesn't strip him of the right to have a home that fits his needs in too.

I hate mess at the end of the day. Happy as Larry for the house to be a shithole for most of the day but I like a tidy calm space to relax in after work. I am a woman and have been a SAHP.

I love your 'especially as he's paying for it' in regards to the house. OP said she saved money and her parents give her money to allow her to be a SAHM. You are behaving as though he is her boss as her is paying for everything and she has failed her appraisal.

He can't do anything with his child, e.g. bathtime and bedtime because his child isn't doing it right, e.g. splashing in the bath, getting another book out for a bedtime story. He's a horrible control freak and a terrible father.

I wouldn't have thought raising a child to respect their things, their home and their parents was in any way controversial or a 'you do you' situation. Surely that is pretty universal, or should be. And as others have pointed out, it is also the OP's husbands home and child.

I don't really care if you think it's crap. Working outside of the home doesn't absolve you of having to do anything inside the home.

This is a fully grown, functional and capable adult, who is able to hold down a full time job yet doesn't have the ability to bath his own child and gets angry at having to put her pencil crayons back in a box?

You might be willing to settle for a substandard Dad for your children, not everyone does and that's ok

Leaving DH aside, I really cannot understand why the home is a mess when you are at home all day with one 2 year old and a you have a cleaner on top. Just don't get it. sorry.

You are completely missing the point op, he's not actually talking to her, he's talking to you. You are at home he expects a tidy house and dinner on the table