Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

Or perhaps her own partner could have stepped up and altered his plans and help her. Just a thought.

In fact the OP is the last in the line of people who should be expected to step up.

A) mum as it was her contact time
B) dad
C) mums partner as it was her contact time
D) 😐

Yes. She is a single mother. She's not with the child's father and presumably hasn't remarried as she has a boyfriend.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

You forgot about stepdad who was busy prioritising his bio children

Exactly. Feels like a choice to me - especially as she knew about it earlier in the day…

I do lots for my own child that I don’t for my step children. Because they have two parents and I am not one of them. I treat them well but do not, and will not ever, think of them “as my own”.

OP didn’t put any kids first.

The stepparent doesn’t ‘need’ to do anything. They may choose to, but they don’t need to.

Stepparents don’t have to consider their stepchildren their own at all, given that they’re not. Not treating someone that isn’t your child, like your child, isn’t treating them like ‘second class citizens’. A stepchild remains the sole responsibility of their parents, whether those parents are married or partnered with others or not.

He was at work. A gym session is less important than work, no? I mean, pretend for a moment that this is not about an inconvenient step child, but an actual child who is loved. Would it not be normal for a parent to give up one of their three weekly gym sessions to cover for another parent being caught at work?

So? She didn’t need to, have to, or want to.

OP’s gym session was rightfully more important to her than picking up the slack for either of the kid’s actual parents.

She may have felt differently about her own child, but then that would be her own child.

Christ above, the people on here accusing the SM of being selfish!

Why is she responsible for the mother and father’s lack of planning and back-up planning, given that their jobs are so much more important than their son’s extracurricular activity.

If the son’s event were so important then there should have been a back up plan in place.

That’s the bit I can’t compute. My stepdad always treated me like I was his own child. It’s grim to think that this was the exception rather than the rule, but this thread suggests that maybe it is.

I just don’t see how you can love a husband/wife but yet have absolutely no regard for their child/children.

Imagine a child needing you for help in any situation, and you say “Sorry child, you’re not mine. I’m not going to help you”.

It’s incredibly sad. And I’m so glad I was raised differently to a lot of set-ups I see on MN.

OP sounds selfish. Her husband sounds selfish. The child’s mother should selfish. The child’s step-dad sounds selfish. 4 adults unwilling to plan ahead and change plans so a child misses out on a special evening. Bonkers.

If her son's presentation was that important, she should have walked out of work on time on time for it, unless she works in emergency medical field.

Does your DH ask about football? Is there a group he can be added to so he's aware? Why doesn't he know of these things?

I have to spoon feed my useless ex all football stuff but do it for my son not him as he's a usless twat who would never ask.

Knowing how important football is to kids I would have taken him but would have probs been slightly dickish and said how glad I was to be there blah blah.

The bar for “like own child” is quite significantly lower for step dad’s who after all, live with the mothers who do all the real heavy lifting. This is quite obvious.

No. She didn’t have to, of course. Just depends on what sort of relationship she wants to have with the step-son moving forward.

What your stepdad chose to do doesn’t dictate what others stepparents must do.

Perhaps that something the parents should consider, being the ones actually responsible and all.

This is my feeling. Someone should have stepped up and taken him

Me time 3 nights a week with a full time job, toddler and step son? Something has to give and for me it would be the gym - you can surely miss it occasionally when family life requires?!

P.S. "She then asked him to ask me". I find this cheeky. It's one thing if it's a planned "wondering if you might be able to help out on the 15th February because we both have a thing on". But this "can you please drop everything because neither parent is willing to drop anything?" It would be a firm nope from me. Plan better, parents. You didn't find out about the presentation same day.

Not at all. When we were young, my mum didn’t drive. He ferried us all around when needed and the idea that he would have allowed me to miss something so that he could go to the gym, but would have rearranged his plans for my siblings, is so laughable it doesn’t even bear discussion.

I feel really sorry for your SS that not a single adult in his life could prioritise him. His pare ts though should have sorted it out between themselves. Tbh I would have dropped PT for it but his parents are more at fault.

I’ll be honest, I’d be wondering if Dh would bother for our own kids, if he said no to that it would make me see him quite dimly.

“giving lifts” is not the broader heavy lifting I was referring to.