Found out I was left out of secret family inheritance

[Teaortea]

I am married with two children. I live in the UK but grew up in a different country where my DM and DB still live.

A few years ago my aunt in my home country (DMs brother's wife) passed away. They had no children.

I found out 6 months ago that at the time my DM and DB (single, no kids) inherited £10,000 each and agreed between them not to tell me.
One one knows why my aunt left me out, possibly dementia? Or not being in the same country?

I felt sick when I found out, both at the fact that they'd conspired together to not tell me and that they didn't share any of the money, especially my DM didn't even send my DCs a little bonus or anything.

I'm not saying I am entitled to any of the money but I am feeling left out of the family and protective of my kids who seem to mean nothing to rhem.
There is a history of my DM treating me badly bordeinf on neglect and abuse when I was younger, favouring my DB but this seems so unbelievable, even for them!

My DH says it's unforgivable the way they've left me out, lied by omission and not even wanted to gift the kids.

Aibu to still feel upset and that they were the unreasonable ones? I have been LC since finding out.

I’m not a very trusting soul when it comes to wills as so many people behave so badly. Have you seen the will?

Could it be that your aunt thought you were doing very well in this country and didn't need the money as much as your DM and DB. Maybe they have told her how well you are doing? Whatever the reason you can't change what your aunt did, although it is probably hurtful.

There is a history of my DM treating me badly bordeinf on neglect and abuse when I was younger, favouring my DB
Is it possible your mum has bad mouthed you a lot to the Aunt? People who scapegoat a particular child and have a golden child often do this and can be very convincing about how saintly one child is and how terrible the other is. Parents like that often use wills to further scapegoat and she may have persuaded the Aunt to leave you out.

Have you seen a copy of the will? Do you know who was the executer, if there is one?

I 100% know I was in my Uncle's will..but his kids never passed it on. I should have challenged it but I'm not so much of a &%£%<#@ as they all are! Lol. Your family is worth much more than 10K. Have satisfaction in that.

Very typical when relatives live abroad. Happened to me, will happen to someone else, a colleague shared something about her life, etc

My aunt took my brother out of the will along with one of my cousins. I debated for a long time whether I should tell him, asked my parents etc, and decided in the end not to tell him. I did give him a small share of my money , but as he lives abroad was able to position it that it was easier to do it that way.

it was a really difficult decision to make, but ultimately he was taken out for a reason and I needed the money.

I understand your feelings. My DH was left out of his aunt’s will while other cousins benefited because he was adopted and ‘not part of this family’. He was told he was supposed to inherit an ornament he always liked as a child from one aunt, which was not forthcoming from the will reading. So something changed along the way…

.. in their case they were advised to leave everything to a family trust, so the elderly aunts did that and a cousin ensured their home was emptied of furniture long before death (they went into care).

without getting into the nitty gritty of it, other people didn’t inherit what was rightfully theirs took it to court with the trust having to pay them out, however my point is that it all came down to a beneficiary of the trust organising the solicitors and aunts to filter their personal wealth for ultimately his benefit into the trust set up.

in your case I wouldn’t mind betting between your brother and mother they knew they would inherit less if you were included, so probably dropped incorrect advice to your aunt who probably felt you were ok and well taken care of where you are.

good on the neighbour for letting you know. She must have concerns for you.

Well I think you are right to be upset plus it depends how close you were to your aunt . It's your aunt remember so she has every right to choose who she wants to give anything
having said that if I were in your position I would be upset to especially if when she was alive you thought you were close .
nothing will surprise me these days even if I got left out of any thing .
people can choose to do what they want .

Gosh I don’t know why so many people are being mean about this. It’s quite clear why you’re upset.
I too would have been upset, it’s difficult to know how to address it with your mum and brother but I would feel betrayed and let down. Like you say money aside they’ve gone behind your back and it seems deceitful. I also agree with a large sum like that their grandma surely could have treated them to £100 each for their saving accounts.

I agree with most that your Aunt had no obligation to share her money with you.

it is the secrecy of your mum and brother that is wrong here. They knew it would upset you hence why they have kept it a secret from you. They should’ve been open and clear cut from the beginning.

So essentially they told at least one other person that isn’t even family, or at least your ‘DM’ did, but decided not to tell you. The issue isn’t wether they had to or not, it’s wether the way they’ve gone about it is
acceptable. I’m always intrigued when people say they don’t have to tell you or share, as I wonder if that’s how they’d feel if their parent/s and sibling/s inherited a decent sum and kept them out of the picture. Not likely is it.

I’m erring on the side of they didn’t want to have to share at all and that’s why they didn’t tell you in that case. Either way, they could have said a small amount was left to your DM and she would give a small gift to your DC. imagine complaining you haven’t seen them after spending all the money and not once having the notion to pay for flights to come and see them. Seems the neighbour had far more decency than your own family.

It’s not their fault your auntie didn’t leave you anything. They probably didn’t tell you to save your feelings. How do you know they didn’t really need that £10,000 and couldn’t afford to share it with you?

It's not a big secret. It's £10k not a life changing amount of money. It is no wonder they didn't tell you reading your posts.

Sorry you have been put through this OP. I had similar in my family, except it was worse and potentially fraud, but won't go in to details. For me, it's about trust and honesty, or lack of, I would cut them off - they'd be dead to me if they could not explain a very good reason for their lack of honesty and transparency, and were not willing to apologise and make amends.

I'd ask to speak to them, and tell them how hurt you are. How they respond and what they do after, tells you everything you need to know...If you feel they don't care, it sounds like you have reason to feel that way, and sometimes you are best off just cutting toxic people out. Listen to your feelings, they are telling you something important. Concentrate on the good people that deserve a place in your life, sometimes friends are better than family.

How did you find out? From your mum or brother? If so why did they tell you now? If from another source…are they stirring the pot? It seems to me ‘out of sight out of mind’ is the name of the game here. Particularly hard to bear from a mother/grandmother. Families can be toxic. Hold your own kids close and never be the reason they feel isolated and upset by you. I would feel upset about this too btw…though I suspect there’s not much love lost between you all anyway, as you are now in a different country, with bitter childhood memories of your mother. I believe you’re more upset on behalf of your kids…compounded by your husband telling you it’s not on. Hug your children, and try to get over it if you can 🥺

No wonder they didn’t tell you! You seem beyond upset and maybe they decided they didn’t want to upset you or to share their inheritance with you.

Unless your family have form for scapegoating you and leaving you out in other situations I would think the most likely explanation for them trying to keep it quiet was because they thought you’d be hurt that your aunt didn’t leave you anything.

Your aunt leaving you out of her will isn’t their fault. It isn’t even your aunt’s “fault”, it was her decision. I left my home country and I think it often means you are less close to family you’ve left behind. Especially ones who aren’t part of your immediate family. Being less likely to be provided for in a will on an equal footing with those who are physically closer and likely more in touch seems like a natural part of that.

This is all based on assumption given what’s happened. It may not apply. You may have stayed closely in touch with your aunt. Your DM and DB may have kept quiet because they don’t like you and wanted to have a secret to laugh about. There isn’t much detail about your relationships in your posts. But in general, having moved away from your family and made your home in another country I think the above is a more likely scenario.

Another possibility - Your expectation that they would give you or your DC some of the money comes across as somewhat grabby. Maybe it’s an attitude they’ve felt from you before. Is it possible that since you’ve moved away and set up home in another country, your interactions are such that they feel you are only interested in them peripherally and in what you can get from them? Because that might also explain why they’d keep quiet.

It's hard to know. YABU to expect anything... if they told you at the time would that make it better? Maybe you are just a bit out of all their lives being abroad.

Hopefully your children will be remembered when your DPs die; maybe that was their idea.

I'm sorry about your childhood though - that's shitty.

Maybe she thinks you're rich as you live in the uk?

Why would you buy gifts with the money? I would put it in savings or pay bills.

Not once have you mentioned any grief or upset about your aunt’s death OP. For you it is all about money and about the unjustified feeling of betrayal you have concocted. You’ve not mentioned you mum’s grief at losing her sister not expressed any warm
emotion at all towards you aunt, just annoyance that she hasn’t left you money. I suggest this explains both why she left you nothing but also why your mum and brother didn’t share the news with you…. you didn’t care about her in life, why should she or they show you consideration when she has died?

Yes it is a pattern of treating you badly and as somehow inferior, which started in your childhood and continues today. Your DM does not see you as family.
I think your best bet is to accept that is how it is, reasons unknown, stay LC and never expect anything but coldness from her. Manage your expectations. She will always be like that with you. You need to adjust your assumptions.
I'm very sorry.

They didn’t tell you because they knew you would react like this. It is actually none of your business what your aunt left them. Stop being so entitled.

I think people are confusing something being kept a secret to just not being told something.