Found out I was left out of secret family inheritance

[Teaortea]

I am married with two children. I live in the UK but grew up in a different country where my DM and DB still live.

A few years ago my aunt in my home country (DMs brother's wife) passed away. They had no children.

I found out 6 months ago that at the time my DM and DB (single, no kids) inherited £10,000 each and agreed between them not to tell me.
One one knows why my aunt left me out, possibly dementia? Or not being in the same country?

I felt sick when I found out, both at the fact that they'd conspired together to not tell me and that they didn't share any of the money, especially my DM didn't even send my DCs a little bonus or anything.

I'm not saying I am entitled to any of the money but I am feeling left out of the family and protective of my kids who seem to mean nothing to rhem.
There is a history of my DM treating me badly bordeinf on neglect and abuse when I was younger, favouring my DB but this seems so unbelievable, even for them!

My DH says it's unforgivable the way they've left me out, lied by omission and not even wanted to gift the kids.

Aibu to still feel upset and that they were the unreasonable ones? I have been LC since finding out.

I understand OP, is the fact they agreed not to tell you. . . Simply so they didn't feel guilty about not giving you any. Not that they had to but they knew morally it would have been a nice thing to do and is more than likely what you or I would have done, whether we had to or not.

It's a dick move

This, entirely
Take care OP

Yikes… it’s definitely reasonable to be upset, but I guess now you know you and your family see money differently.

So no more lending to them ever.

No point blaming the brother, they were following the wishes of the will. It's not enough money to fight over.

Your children are adults - yet you’ve said your DM was complaining she hasn’t seen them in a long time, so it doesn’t sound as though they call, visit, generally put much effort into a relationship with their grandmother or uncle. They can’t have it both ways, expecting gifts from people they don’t see.

Do you think part of why you’re upset because not being told about the inheritance has highlighted that you’re just not a close family at all, any of you, and that hurts?

So

Your uncle's wife died and left some money to her sister-in-law (your mother) and nephew (your brother) in her will. Your mother and brother lived relatively close by and remained in friendly touch with her over the years (though not physically caring for her when ill). You visited her as part of the family when in that country but were last in touch with her by letter several years ago before your first child was born.

Your mother and brother have been left some money and you are upset that you were not left any money, annoyed that you were not told about the money, and also annoyed that the money was not shared with you or your children.

I can see why your aunt left her money as she did, to the relatives in her own country with whom she has been in contact. I can also see, given previous communication issues in the family, why you might not have been told (not the easiest conversation to have even in an open family).

I can also see why the money might not have been shared. Even without the previous history, many people feel that changing any allocation of money left in a will is disrespectful to the person who has made their wishes clear. I'm sorry that the previous history makes things hurtful for you.

Why can no one read I'm not saying I am entitled to any of the money before lecturing OP

I'm embarrassed for you.

What an awful way to think.

They inherited money and it's their business who they tell or not tell.

Seeing as how grasping and entitled you are it's no wonder they didn't tell you/

Why should they give anything to your children?

What a nasty post.

You visited her as part of the family when in that country but were last in touch with her by letter several years ago before your first child was born.

From another thread, OP’s oldest child is 26

Teaortea

A few years ago my aunt in my home country (DMs brother's wife) passed away. They had no children.
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I don't know if it matters to others, but it seems important to note (a few of the people that responded got it wrong), but this isn't Teaortea's mothers sister. This is her mothers brothers wife.

Just throwing that out there.

They’ve likely read this I felt sick when I found out, both at the fact that they'd conspired together to not tell me and that they didn't share any of the money, especially my DM didn't even send my DCs a little bonus or anything from the first post which contradicts what the op later claimed, once she was told she had no entitlement to the money

Honestly, I think this is all bonkers. Families are all different. I can’t imagine ever expecting a handout for me/my children from something my mother or brother inherited. Why would I? Frankly, the OP seems quick to take offence when there’s no evidence that any was intended. Perhaps that’s because of ways she has been left out in the past, or perhaps she perceives that to be the case because she’s always had the same attitude. Without hearing from the rest of the family, none of us can judge.

So OP hasn't been in touch for 26 years? If so it's hardly surprising aunt didn't leave her anything.
She keeps saying it's not the money but the lack of openness that matters, but has not acknowledged that mother and brother may have felt it was kinder not to tell her. Clearly it would have been difficult to tell her without upsetting her.

Its their money, not your children's. Just as your money is yours - not theirs. They didn't want to treat your children, that's their choice. My MIL inherited £50,000 when her sister died and we didn't see a penny, despite being where they all spent Christmas every year, a weekly part of her sisters life and helping MIL organise the funeral. We actually paid for MIL to come on holiday with us (as we do every year) that year and the year after and she did not "treat" us or the children. Its not our money. I did not care or once think she should give my children anything. Maybe your grabby reaction is why they didn't tell you.

My aunt has no children and my cousin and I are the main beneficiary on her will (unless she changes her mind!). This is because we are the only family members to have made an effort with her over many years. If she passes and leaves me an inheritance, I don't plan on telling my db. He won't like it but I don't feel the need to justify what someone legally chose to do with their own money. Maybe that's how your dm and db feel.

Thinking that I should inherit anything from my Mum's Sister-in-law is just weird. Unless we were super close ( I havent seen mine in probably ten years- lovely woman but she lives at the other end of the country, it's Christmas and birthday card contact only now)

I do understand why you are upset over the secrecy. Presumably the SIL also had other extended family with whom money was also split and the line had to be drawn somewhere. It does seem a bit like Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind. Sorry OP.

Because it’s obvious that she feels otherwise…

Honestly op
I think it would be helpful for you if your acknowledged to yourself that you are a bit jealous of their inheritance and put out that your mom didn't share it with you.
It helps you work through things in your head.
The reality is that an aunt you never saw and weren't close to left your brother and mother a relatively small some of money . They didn't tell you because a) they thought you'd.be upset or b you'd think they were bragging or c you would expect your mother to share with your children .

On its own this is not a valid reason to go nc with someone . Surely with hindsight you can see that.

Your's is the nasty post, not the OPs.

Do you think your DM could be secretly annoyed at you for moving away from her and "taking her DGCs away"? As I've seen this a few times.

I may converse in depth with my kids about something that I ask them not to repeat to their siblings. The withheld information ranges from trivial ("I caught a shundo!", which is not trivial to the kid not being told but anyway....) to the major "I really wish your adult brother didn't ...."

It's normal in families not to tell each other everything.
"Lies" happen to protect relationships.
I can't call if this "deception" was undertaken to perpetuate an unhealthy relationship. But it's plausible that it was not.

If you've been paying for your DM's travel then I presume she has been skint, whether you should financially support her is just one of many aspects of a complicated situation. I hope you work through all this to get to a better place.

To be honest the history is somewhat irrelevant to this situation

If you had started a discussion about how your treatment as a child, seemingly being scapegoated and left out has left you feeling all your life, absolutely legitimate, not an issue, something you'll continue working at all your life

But peoples financial affairs are not your business, there is no 'secret', you are muddling up what your grievances are as a child, to adult matters and behaviour.

I dont tell my sister about my financial affairs and neither does she, its not of our concern. My parents may lend me and my sister money for this and that, individually, I dont need to know if they're doing that for her and she doesnt need to know if they're doing it for me. its their decision what they do.

Its not unusual in my view that aunt left the money this way, you also say you have no grievance with this

I think get some support for the life long impact of your childhood but dont muddle up peoples personal information and financial affairs as 'secrecy'

Your mums neighbour (over invested it seems) is fanning flames and whethe ryour mum had some money or not is irrelevant. Either you would have lent her the money or not, that is also your choice.

OP, yanbu at all.
Think long and hard if you want her visiting you?
I wouldn't bother if I were you.

I mean you still say it’s not about the money but then still go on to say about giving the adult grandchildren a couple £100 each…

The secrecy is disgraceful.