WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

[CarsCary]

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

I think he bought you off with what he pays you monthly, even without saying so. To me it sounds like here's enough money but now leave me alone. I think he might become very angry if you contact his new girlfriend and 1) stop paying you £1000 a month and 2) demanding visiting rights for his son. Leave well alone!

It’s not her business. Leave them to it and focus on your son.

I wouldn’t message her, you wouldn’t come across well and as everyone has said, he’ll just lie his way out of it. Send him court papers instead. Speak to CM. Your problem isn’t with the new gf.

Hey op it's awful what he's done chances are he would have done it further along the road and this would have been worse for you he might look like he's having a wonderful life but you have your son and he can never have that and no point contacting the gf the last thing you want is a custody fight even if he does it for spite let him go your son cannot miss what he doesn't have good luck.

As Heidi2018 says, how you will feel to each scenario? There is a chance he will suddenly want to get involved with your son (this may happen in the future anyway). You will see more posts of them on holiday with your son, lovely for him but prepare how you will feel.

Ex may get angry and paint you as a mad woman to people.
Peace with some money maybe better than aggravation in the future, choose wisely.

You cannot control every new partner of his and what they know, he may have told them or maybe not.

What ever is best for you and your son, do that.

I should have read more of your posts on this thread before commenting but I take back what I said about the new gf. It does seem to me like she’s most of the problem. Would it matter if he didn’t have a new gf? What are you really looking to gain by messaging her? My kids dad is the same; never paid anything for them, barely saw them, is off on holidays constantly. Not once have I ever thought ‘I need to message his gf to let her know he has children’ because he’s the one I had the issue with. His gfs aren’t my problem, and your ex’s partner shouldn’t be yours.

Oh dear god please please don't contact him and or her! Leave it be! For your son's sake! I had to put up with psycho ex husband and various psychotic girlfriends for years (as ordered by the court re contact). Stalked to death, sharing the "holidays, weekends". It only came out three years ago that they used to hit him on contact visits. Suicidal son. He's 28. Please don't do this.

I wouldn't tell her. I can't see any good coming of it.
I would absolutely claim the full amount of cm.

if you message her he probably will not pay you, you ‘hurt’ him, he will hurt you back in my opinion.

I would leave well alone at least he is paying you regularly and extra sometimes and you could be worse off if it goes to CMS.

Personally I wouldn't say anything but my friend would probably put something along the lines of 'you can travel to Amsterdam ect but can't travel to .... to see your child' under his post.
If I was his girlfriend I'd want to know. I'd never be with a guy who didn't see his children. It's probably the biggest turn off for me.

Well said!

That.

you were together for 6 years. He literally broke up with you for a good job, more money oh yeah…and not being a dad.
The new girlfriend should know before she puts in 6years too…

BUT and that is a big BUT. That might bite you back. And bite your son back. Then again, the promise of him gone is not written in marble so he can change his mind and want to get involved when kid is much older and you have done the work. He knows where you are.

I don’t have any advice. Both options not sounding good.

I think, find someone else :) get married and have him adopt your kid :) :) then if he is doing another 6 years round…tell his girlfriend and annihilate him? 😎🫣

OP - If he won't agree then it would require a court to make a declaration of parentage and the court which would instruct the Registrar General to re-register the birth including the father details.

He should be on the birth certificate if he is the biological father - he can't and mustn't be allowed to "cop out" It could affect all sorts of things going forward (say your child needs to be security checked for a job)?

I was a single mother to a young boy, I got with a guy who I’d known for years I told him I don’t want a boyfriend , he basically kept trying (I had no support at the time and he would say how wonderful of a mother I am, really helped me get through the hard times of being a single mother) … a year later he said we should try for a baby , we did ovulation kits and I got pregnant .. as soon as I got pregnant he stopped his older children coming over to mine and started being very strange. I moved away to save myself heartache. Fast forward my son is 3 he’s never bothered , he pays child support but it started with his two other kids included in the claim as his own, now he has 5 other children (6 including my son) so my maintenance has gone down so much. He told me for the last ten years I’ve known him he only has two children. He actually has 6, god knows how many mums.. I don’t understand why men do this. I feel like you too, I did nothing wrong but love and support him. Now im a single mother of two, still no support. He sends me photos of his newborn baby at the safari park and has never taken my beautiful clever 3 year old anywhere. It does hurt. But it’s HIS LOSS. THEIR LOSS.. keep shining and putting yourself and your child first. I would tell her so she’s aware and say he abandoned you and leave it there. So she’s aware. But other than this. Keep your head up, I have days where I feel broken and alone but my two beautiful sons give me strength. I’ve been through so much abandonment in my life but refuse to have my sons feeling they have nobody, my five year old burst out crying a few weeks ago he said “I know it’s hard being alone mom I just wish we had a dad in our family to help out” and it broke my heart!!! But I told him one day we will and for now we won’t settle for having a crap dad!! It’s hard so I’m sending you love , some people don’t understand, but being a single mother gives you strength ❤️❤️❤️❤️

I would want to know. I don’t think I could have a relationship with a man who could walk away from his kid. Definitely message her.

I wouldn’t message her but I would put him on the birth certificate. Shouldn’t he legally be on it whether he wants to or not? Don’t you need him to be on it if you ever need to make the maintenance payments official?

If the parents are not married then both have to attend at the register office to be on the birth certificate. The mother is the only parent on the records if the father doesn't attend. Married couples, either can register the birth. And he doesn't have to be on the birth certificate to make contributions for the child.

Yes leave them alone.

It is what it is and he’s paying reliably above the minimum payments.

I know it’s heartbreaking but focus on yourselves and building a good life.

If you message her, it's not going to bring him back or change anything. It'll just muddy the waters and may mess up your payments from him and create a lot of agro.

I'd want the GF to find out, so she has choices but not through me and certainly not traceable back to me either, if I were you.

So yes, you need to look out for her and any other women he dates. He's a deadbeat loser sadly and all women should be warned off him. I hope one day he can become a better person. Hopefully he has a trail of women who just suddenly drop him (through finding out what a shit he is via anonymous means) and perhaps eventually the penny will drop that it's time he does the decent thing.

But that’s not OPs place to do Lolli

I hope you meet someone wonderful who can treat the three of you the way your deserve. Heart-breaking to go through this but you are strong and you have a lot of love between the three of you. As long as you have one good parent, that's all you need in life to know what love is and it can take you a very very long way in life having that as a start. I had the best Mum ever, she was on her own. It would have been nice to have a great Dad too but she gave us everything, even without him around, just like you are to your two.

Yep I would ! Probs not the right answer but I would. If he’s not on birth certificate would this make it diffficult if he retaliated by fucking with you and asked for visitation, if you don’t want this, then no, but otherwise yes x

He pays £1000 a month

OP you sound amazing. I personally think it is great he is not on the birth certificate as he has no legal rights over your child. I also wondered whether your son has a relationship with his paternal grandfather and aunt as although it won't replace a relationship with his father , at least he will have connections to his paternal family. He may one day have cousins etc to play with on that side. The more people who love your child the better and he might then understand as he gets older that the problem was his father, and not him. Good luck OP, your son and your family are lucky to have you