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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

621 replies

CarsCary · 16/10/2024 03:22

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

OP posts:
FOXYMORON1707 · 20/10/2024 18:13

CarsCary · 16/10/2024 03:22

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

Message her yeh least she knows what kind of potential baby dad she has. £50 a month and he is jaunting all over the world he should be paying more tell him that and involve CMA. What a scumbag eh I would want to know if my now partner had a child he pays pittance for and takes nothing to do with. The extra money could help make things easier too and on yourself.

MissingOutOnLife · 20/10/2024 18:14

My exes calculation on the CMS calculator and the official calculation were very different, nearly 200 quid different so go to the CMS directly yourself.

Jack80 · 20/10/2024 18:14

I would be more concerned why your ex doesn't want to be involved in his sons life. There are factors though, was the pregnancy planned or a surprise, did he want a baby and why did you split up.

YellowphantGrey · 20/10/2024 18:14

FOXYMORON1707 · 20/10/2024 18:13

Message her yeh least she knows what kind of potential baby dad she has. £50 a month and he is jaunting all over the world he should be paying more tell him that and involve CMA. What a scumbag eh I would want to know if my now partner had a child he pays pittance for and takes nothing to do with. The extra money could help make things easier too and on yourself.

He pays a £1000 a month.

FOXYMORON1707 · 20/10/2024 18:15

Is he an international drug dealer like how did he work out £50 a month be calling Crime Stoppers too.

Horses7 · 20/10/2024 18:15

Ps you should get a legal agreement in place re financial support, may be worth seeing a solicitor and getting it all in a contract

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 20/10/2024 18:17

Does anyone ever read the posts?!
Asking for a friend….

GrannyRose15 · 20/10/2024 18:19

Don’t do it. No good will come if it.

catlover123456789 · 20/10/2024 18:23

All those holidays and a big job in London but only pays £50 a month? What an absolute disgrace of a man. I'd not bother with the girlfriend (she'll probably dump him soon enough) but I'd be onto Child Maintenance!

Pixiedust88 · 20/10/2024 18:23

I would but that’s just me.

don’t let it bother you that your son doesn’t and probably won’t know his dad. My grandsons dad has never seen him and didn’t even take part in the court proceedings until right at the end and that was only to get to my stepdaughter and play mind games with her. Since then he’s dropped off the face of the earth again, probably back into the crack den he crawled out of. My grandsons isn’t any worse off not knowing his dad at the minute and we’ll address it with him when he’s older and (if) he starts asking about him

NewGreenDuck · 20/10/2024 18:24

catlover123456789 · 20/10/2024 18:23

All those holidays and a big job in London but only pays £50 a month? What an absolute disgrace of a man. I'd not bother with the girlfriend (she'll probably dump him soon enough) but I'd be onto Child Maintenance!

If you read subsequent posts he pays £1000 per month, and sometimes extra.

Bunny44 · 20/10/2024 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Upsetting the girl? She's going out with someone who has nothing to do with his own baby and probably keeping it a secret. That's nasty. Not OP.

If the girl knows and stayed with him anyway she's also pretty trashy for accepting a man who conducts himself as such.

If you were the girl would you rather bury your head in the sand?

catlover123456789 · 20/10/2024 18:28

catlover123456789 · 20/10/2024 18:23

All those holidays and a big job in London but only pays £50 a month? What an absolute disgrace of a man. I'd not bother with the girlfriend (she'll probably dump him soon enough) but I'd be onto Child Maintenance!

Oh sorry i misread it's 1000 a month.

dutysuite · 20/10/2024 18:30

I’d like the idea but don’t see what it will achieve. She’ll probably block you and once you’re blocked on Instagram that’s it you won’t be able to sneekly see what he is up to.

mumstheword223 · 20/10/2024 18:32

What a horrible man he is to not want to be involved in his son's life or be on the birth certificate! Heartless..

I would do it just to cause some trouble for him considering you are having to look after your baby on your own. My caught my partner talking to other girls when my baby was 2 months and I chucked him out and have been looking after my baby on my own pretty much - it's been hard so I totally understand your frustration. Why should he get on with his life and ignore his responsibilities, which doesn't just mean paying CM.

Laura95167 · 20/10/2024 18:33

CarsCary · 16/10/2024 03:22

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

Depends what you want to achieve. Yeah you might wreck or wobble this rship but she may know, she may have been in the background before the split.

He might stop the CM, if it's not formalised.

If you just want to hurt or inconvenience him go ahead but you'll still be hurting after

He certainly won't change his mind and come back. You need to love yourself the way you wish he had and move forward.

Bunny65 · 20/10/2024 18:34

Hard as it is I think it is better to stay out of it. There is nothing to gain but a lot to lose. It is about revenge, which is understandable, but is likely to make you feel worse afterwards and open another can of worms. You don't have to care about whether this girl knows his circumstances or not, that's her lookout. It sounds like he just didn't want children but at least he is paying you good money (while he's got it). In the future it will be up to your son if he wants to try and find his dad, if he never gets in touch before that. But you may well meet someone else who will be a great role model for your son. Concentrate on your life and forget this loser.

littlejlr · 20/10/2024 18:39

I haven't read all the reply to your post. But I would say, in all honesty, don't do it, it's not worth it. It may only cause more upset. Best thing you can do is be the bigger person, hold your head up high and keep doing what your doing.

Leopardprintlover101 · 20/10/2024 18:40

It really has nothing to do with his new partner.

The pregnancy was a surprise, he obviously didn’t want the child and left you before he was born.

I would just be glad he’s paying the maintenance tbh.

I don’t understand this theorising about whether his partner is a good person or not. For one, she’s 22. Her bf obviously didn’t want to be a father - you can’t make him and neither can she. Find a way to accept it and move on. And stay off their social media - the only person you’re hurting is yourself.

Eledamorena · 20/10/2024 18:44

I agree with others saying that if you tell her, it should be because she deserves to know rather than to spite him (though I totally understand the urge!!)

I had a similar situation in that my ex started up with a woman, who knew he was married with kids (including a newborn) but I also knew he had spun the narrative, I was the psycho ex etc. In fact we were in marriage counseling and him moving out was supposedly so he could deal with his anger issues and mental health, sort himself out etc, then come home as a better person. I tried to contact her and she blocked me on everything. I had met her before as she was in his social circle.

I REALLY wanted her to know the truth and if I'm honest the reasons were two-fold. I wanted her to know because I would definitely want to know if I were her, but I also wanted to out him for his terrible behaviour and deceit.

The situation got more complicated as I fell pregnant again (so clearly, we were not actually over!) He said he couldn't cope with another baby; I said that's fine, you don't look after the ones you already have. I decided to keep the baby. Then I found out the pregnancy wasn't viable but I live abroad, abortions are hard to come by, I was told I had to wait til after amnio at 20 weeks to get an abortion even though the doctors all agreed with what the problem was... it was truly an awful time. I hid my pregnancy from my kids and colleagues, had the amnio, then 'luckily' miscarried before I had the abortion booked. I went to every hospital appointment alone, including for the D&C. He did pay for it. He claims he has told her the truth but I cannot believe that is true... it would take a special sort of fool to stay with a man if they knew all this, surely?!!

I still wish she knew but, to be totally honest, I have let go of trying to inform her because he pays reasonable maintenance and I don't want to jeopardize that. We wouldn't even be able to get CMS if he played silly buggers as we are overseas so he could easily leave me with nothing. So, I take the money each month, love my kids, and feel relief that I'm no longer with a deceitful, weak, selfish man, and that my children have very limited exposure to him. It doesn't matter that his friends and family don't know the truth and think he's hard done by and I'm dreadful. They are not important to me.

Wow... this went into an overshare 🤣 Feels good to write it down though!

OP - good luck whatever you decide, but if his maintenance is not official and he's not on the birth cert, maybe consider the risk of losing his financial contributions if you do take action.

And remember, YOU are the better person, raising your son and being a responsible adult. He is the selfish twat living a lie.

IsobelElsie123 · 20/10/2024 18:46

Don’t do it. Your child/ex may want a relationship with his Father in the future and you don’t want to put obstacles in the way. I have been in exactly the same position.

Zone2NorthLondon · 20/10/2024 18:48

he’ll undoubtedly portray you as the mad ex. She’ll obviously only hear his one sided tale
Best wishes to you and your.Son.
No more looking at his SM and fancy trips, it’ll just annoy you. Let it go and focus on your beautiful boy

nOasistickets · 20/10/2024 18:53

Let it go - you only want to tell her out of spite - not anything else. This could all go pear shaped on you if he challenges you, takes you to court , he gets 50:50 and your child is splashed all over insta via her. Maybe she knows and doesn’t care, maybe she doesn’t.

Clarabell77 · 20/10/2024 19:01

I wouldn’t. It will just look like you care enough to try to get at him and I wouldn’t let him think that for a minute. Enjoy your life with your son, it’s hard but it gets easier. Hopefully some day he will see what he’s done and be full of regret. People saying the girlfriend deserves to know, yes, she does, and he should be telling her - he might already have.

On the maintenance, if you put £100k into the calculator it comes back at £850, so it does look like he’s probably paying what he should be based on his salary - if the 6 figures you mention is closer to 100 than 200…

Mickey79 · 20/10/2024 19:03

Leave it alone. He could be dating someone new every few months/ years. You can’t keep monitoring his social media and informing every girlfriend he has - that would be scary behaviour.
He may retaliate by stopping maintenance which you are reliant on. You could go through cms but some people just change jobs frequently, move to a different area etc and the process has to start all over again. With no money for months on end in between.
He may have actually already told her.
He controls the narrative even if she didn’t know. He’ll just lie his way out of it and you’ll be the crazy ex.
At 23 and without her own children, she isn’t likely to be able to empathise with you anyway.

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