Page 17 | WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 19/10/2024 11:07

Ps kids when they’re small particularly don’t notice what they have. If you’re struggling get secondhand clothes and toys for your child. He’ll be happy and you’ll save a fortune. Save the money if you can for later when it gets more expensive.

TemuSpecialBuy · 19/10/2024 11:12

CarsCary · 16/10/2024 07:08

For those saying he could be lying about his earnings, I just had a little play around on the child maintenance calculator and for it to be £950 a month he’d have to earning around £110,000 (a bit more actually). Considering he was only on about £65,000 when we were together this doesn’t seem to far off, even with a move to London.

That’s fine. For now.

to give you context I went from 90k to 180k in 4 years. At 3 years it was 160k

so make sure it’s reviewed annually with him. And If he is not adjusting every 12m by at least 5% I would STRONGLY advise a CMS Claim.we also know there is NO way he is coming at you for 50/50

Spreadtheluv · 19/10/2024 11:15

CarsCary · 16/10/2024 16:41

I’ve actually mentioned this all to his sister now. She has said she might actually message her (from a hey see your dating xxx he’s my brother and blocked me, how is he? Everyone has worried perspective) and drop it that he has a son while doing that, not sure if that’s a great idea but I’ll leave that up to her.

My thoughts are this is the best idea rather than you becoming involved in a scenario which could be detrimental to your maintenance.

One day your son will seek him out. Hopefully he will get closure and realise he really hasn't missed out on this type of character being part of his life. Stay strong,you sound like a wonderful mother.

zingally · 19/10/2024 11:39

I would, but then I'm petty as hell when I'm riled up!

justasking111 · 19/10/2024 12:32

I wouldn't because £216k in 18 years is a lot to lose for most folks.

Tia8 · 19/10/2024 14:03

Get CSA , - he'll need to pay you more due to it being a legal requirement based on his income. They also don't care if his names on the birth certificate or not they'll make him pay( only way they don't if he can prove he's not the dad he's not allowed tp just say that's not My kid they want proof they don't care if sees him or not the rate is higher than what it would have been if shared care ) I've been there done this so I know. And as for the gf if she's any sort of woman she will leave his ass when caught lying about the baby ..noone wants someone who has no intergrity or abandons their own , trust karma don't let that situation stress you with her he'll get his.

Bigcat25 · 19/10/2024 14:39

Exactly. Even if she's ok with him not seeing his child (unlikely) she won't be happy about him hiding that huge elephant in the room from her.

SameOldMeals · 19/10/2024 15:04

Exactly. Even if she's ok with him not seeing his child (unlikely)

It’s really not that unlikely, there’s been multiple examples of that on this thread. She may care but she may not especially as it’s to her advantage, particularly considering how young she is, that she doesn’t have to deal with being a stepparent and all the issues that can arise when dating an actively involved parent.

xxSideshowAuntSallyxx · 19/10/2024 15:33

Tia8 · 19/10/2024 14:03

Get CSA , - he'll need to pay you more due to it being a legal requirement based on his income. They also don't care if his names on the birth certificate or not they'll make him pay( only way they don't if he can prove he's not the dad he's not allowed tp just say that's not My kid they want proof they don't care if sees him or not the rate is higher than what it would have been if shared care ) I've been there done this so I know. And as for the gf if she's any sort of woman she will leave his ass when caught lying about the baby ..noone wants someone who has no intergrity or abandons their own , trust karma don't let that situation stress you with her he'll get his.

Is no one reading the bloody thread?! He is paying, he is paying more than he would if she went through the proper channels.

I know the default is to believe a man is a shit who doesn't pay on here but this man actually pays. He doesn't see the child but he is at least paying

The girlfriend is neither here nor there and none of the OP's business.

Tia8 · 19/10/2024 23:49

xxSideshowAuntSallyxx · 19/10/2024 15:33

Is no one reading the bloody thread?! He is paying, he is paying more than he would if she went through the proper channels.

I know the default is to believe a man is a shit who doesn't pay on here but this man actually pays. He doesn't see the child but he is at least paying

The girlfriend is neither here nor there and none of the OP's business.

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Yes read perfectly well , just because he's said he'd paid pay doesn't mean he does or is honest about income..considering he's abandoned his own son I'd say that does infact make Him a shit that can't be trusted to have integrity or honesty he might be paying now but what's to stop him from abusing the situation by stopping these payments as and when he feels like it, nothing .

Disturbia81 · 20/10/2024 00:27

Ugh typical sleaze going younger, you are well rid OP.

C36M · 20/10/2024 17:36

CarsCary · 16/10/2024 03:22

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

Just forget him, your son will know who was there for him. Go through CMS to get more than £50 a month though

CommonAsMucklowe · 20/10/2024 17:38

CarsCary · 16/10/2024 04:07

Thank you, if I do send a message I would just keep it light and breezy, very much facts only, for her information sort of feel to it. She seems to be quite young (like 22/23 vs his 32) so there is a part of me that feels like she deserves that information even if he then twists the story to suit his narrative.

I would just say Hello from from the mother of xxxx son. And let that sit. No need for light and breezy. You are not friends. You are merely informing.

C36M · 20/10/2024 17:40

xxSideshowAuntSallyxx · 19/10/2024 15:33

Is no one reading the bloody thread?! He is paying, he is paying more than he would if she went through the proper channels.

I know the default is to believe a man is a shit who doesn't pay on here but this man actually pays. He doesn't see the child but he is at least paying

The girlfriend is neither here nor there and none of the OP's business.

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.

PoppysMammy · 20/10/2024 17:49

CarsCary · 16/10/2024 03:22

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

Absolutely keep out of his relationship. You’re hurt and, in all honesty, jealous. He has made it clear he doesn’t want to be a father, but is paying you fairly. You don’t know whether he’s been honest with his girlfriend, but it’s none of your business.

Get the strength to not look at her Insta. Block her account if you can’t trust yourself. Focussing on his new life will just eat at you and can make you ill. Concentrate on your lovely child, and enjoy him. Holidays mean nothing in comparison.

You don’t know what the future holds for you. But looking back on the ex will only hold you back. It’s time to move on. X

PoppysMammy · 20/10/2024 17:56

VeganStar · 16/10/2024 04:00

Yes tell her, but then get on to cm straight away.

Why should he be lording himself all over the world while your little boy is just getting by.

She may or not care but at least you’d have outed him for the scum he is. If she doesn’t care then they deserve each other.

Ouch! ‘Scum’? You don’t know the man and have made a massive assumption. He is financially covering more than CSA would require him to - if the OP is right. There are plenty fathers who don’t. He is entitled to live his life, and go on holiday wherever he wants to, that doesn’t make him scum. And it’s definitely not the new girlfriend’s
fault. Why potentially destroy her happiness for a bit of spite.

MaroonedinWales · 20/10/2024 17:57

Out of curiosity I looked at the CM contributions for a parent never seeing their child or just 1 night per week using a £40k salary. The CM on this would be £398.59pcm. If splitting time equally, so 182 day pa this would come down to £168.98 OP. Check the data he has supplied you with as CM adjusts according to salary, whereas students, prisoners and the unemployed pay nothing.

PoppysMammy · 20/10/2024 17:58

CarsCary · 16/10/2024 05:02

This is a good point and I’ve thought about it.
He gives me £1000 a month which I know sounds like and is a lot. I only make £31,000 a year so that is a massive amount to me (covers my rent), but after other costs like childcare (I’ve just gone back to work) and debt doesn’t leave an awful lot.
I don’t know exactly how much he earns (6 figures is all I know). I guess I’ve never gone down the making it official route as he has paid every single month without missing and in 2 months (Easter and my birthday month) transferred £100 more than that. Obviously I’ve been no contact with him so don’t know why he did that.

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£1000 a month maintenance is definitely a huge amount. Let alone the extras.

GivingitToGod · 20/10/2024 17:59

Hi OP, you sound like a truly kind, caring woman and my heart goes out to you with your experiences of your son's father. Moving away/blocking you/ agreeing on maintenance as per govt calculator????? Cruel and heartless. I wish you all the strength and courage you need. And yes, I would tell his new GF; not for revenge but as a warning re a man who is so cold hearted and inhumane as to not acknowledge his own son.

Littlemisssavvy · 20/10/2024 18:01

Heidi2018 · 16/10/2024 04:23

I think you need to think about each possible scenario if you tell her and how you'd feel in each case. What result do you actually want from telling her?

There's a chance she will read, not reply and block you... how would you feel?
There's a chance she will read, and send you a horrible reply... how would you feel?
There's a chance she will read and your OH will send you a horrible message... how would you feel?
There's a chance she will read and thank you for telling her... how would you feel?

I'd just be worried you aren't really sure what you actually want to achieve from this and would be left feeling worse about yourself after if that result doesn't happen for you.

THIS

you sound amazing, you are and will be the better person out of this. You have dodged a bullet and he has shown his true, colours and is clearly very self-absorbed.

Fedup48 · 20/10/2024 18:02

From experience- he will get old and realise what he has missed out on - then die full of regret. Fuck him - take his money, block him and have a fabulous life ❤

August1980 · 20/10/2024 18:07

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GivingitToGod · 20/10/2024 18:08

KimFan · 16/10/2024 11:18

His life now is none of your business.
You separated, he pays maintenance, any attempt to derail his new relationship would just be out of pure jealousy. Let him live his life and you focus on yourself and your child.

Cut and dry, heartless post that dismisses the raw emotions involved

Horses7 · 20/10/2024 18:10

Your values are very good and your son is fortunate to have you. I’m not sure what you will decide. As a vengeful person I would tell her but if you do it may back fire on you in terms of support he’s prepared to pay. Good luck.

NewGreenDuck · 20/10/2024 18:11

And if you telling her ends the relationship, then what? Will you tell the next one, and the next and so on?