WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

[CarsCary]

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

It'd hard because you do want them to hurt as much as you are.

If he was not always paying the money or dipping in and out of the child's life then I think I would tell her but as he's not, no point.

But as usual, it's left again for a woman to clear up the mess of men's bad choices

Honestly OP I'd leave it. You should put yourself first and you don't stand to gain anything from telling his GF about your DS. In fact you just risk losing the maintenance which doesn't seem to get a formal arrangement.

Your life sounds tough. You can ask the local social services for a carers assessment and there may be some support available to help with your parents and brother.

yes of course, it is the truth

Are you thinking of doing it to help her because you genuinely don’t want to see her get dragged in to his web of lies, or are you doing it to try and bombshell her in a nasty way?

Obviously you’re doing it to get to him which I have no sympathy for him about. But you shouldn’t hold any resentment towards her, and if you do message her it should be because you mean well towards her.

He might have told her, they might be in a good relationship.
if he didn’t tell her, and you do. If could bring them closer. She could use it to get more commitment from him.

Either way, you look like angry ex.

Clarification : sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this.
He's paying MORE than the govt calculator, yes?
I would worry first about getting maintenance locked in.
Then if you send her a message at all, keep it light. It's not about informing her, just something sweet and lighthearted like "Bub and I are so pleased Bub's father has you in his life".

I would care very much and I think most of my friends would too.
Getting a message saying X has a child who he never sees and barely pays maintenance for whilst taking lovely holidays with me? I couldn't respect someone like that.

It depends what her motivation is. If she's young and he's just one in a passing parade of men she might not care at all. There's nothing to say she respects him now, it's possible she just sees him as a landing pad on the way to some imagined wonderful life.

Just wait, she'll find out soon enough. They're in the honeymoon period. Concentrate on you and your kids , build yourself up physically, emotionally and spiritually. x

Don't send a msg . He could then refuse to pay monthly . It won't make him change . And she probably won't care.
I know he is travelling and living some exciting life according to social media. But you have your son who is much better then any holiday. And yes in the short term he can do whatever he wants. But longterm he is missing out on the joy of his son.
And hopefully one day he will regret not having a relationship with him .

10 years difference in ages - chances are it wont last long, give it a bit longer.

make sure he is paying a fit and proper amount in maintenance for his income.

Why would you message her? What would winning look like here? Is this really sisterly concern in case she doesn’t know? If so, why would you potentially throw a grenade into your distant but fairly amicable relationship with your ex for the benefit of a woman you don’t even know? Or are you looking for revenge and hope that he hasn’t told her and she will dump him? The likelihood is that telling her will only be to your detriment. I’m sorry he’s a useless dad and it sounds as if your own family expect a lot from you. However there’s no evidence he’s cheating you on child support and you might end up with less if you change your arrangement.

He’s supporting his son financially (as he bloody well should) and not causing you any hassle. It’s sad for him that he’s missing out on his son. But leave it. Given what a shit he turned out to be, your situation is about as good as it could be.

Why would she care? And what differe t would it make to her life. You risk sounds resentful and upsetting your ex who could stop payments.

Depends on what the CMS payment is surely? A salary of 100k would mean an £850 a month payment so that would be £900 a month. Hardly peanuts.

I wouldn't tell him.

In her post op says she gets £1000 which is over the calculator.

Now he could be lying so @CarsCary gamble is that he just pays what the CMS collects. The danger is she may end up with less.

Either way he has made the decision to move to London for work. He is not going to provide op with any further support and he is not moving back to his home town. Future complications will arise if he has any further children which will lead to a reduction in CMS payments.

Like I said I didn't see the £1000 part just the original post where she said he was giving £50

Pretty sure by not naming him on the birth certificate , it will be a lot harder to get the CM formalised.

I would be very cautious about contact his new GF he sounds like the sort of asshole that would cut off the payments , sighting your actions as justification.

To be honest what would you gain from it ?

Take a step back look at what an amazing person you are and what a great role model for your son you are .

Let the asshole lead his empty life in years to come he will have to live with the moral cost of his actions.

I wouldn’t message her but I’d contact him somehow and say that you appreciate him being reliable for the maintenance but could he return the joint savings to enable you to put down a deposit on a house (shared ownership if need be) to provide stability for his child, as you can’t save due to the high childcare costs. Hopefully he’ll feel guilty enough to comply.

He’s the one missing out on your gorgeous son. I bet you wouldn’t swap him for a glamorous lifestyle. Let him live the life he’s chosen and you enjoy your son. No point in feeling envious. It’ll just eat you up else.

Don’t believe what you see on social media.

I would just leave it. Although I would go through the government child maintenance online to check if he is paying you the correct amount would not just take his word for it. Also should his salary increase they would be on it immediately. He sounds like a right peice of work to abandon his own child. Would definitely get a solicitor to sort out the birth certificate. Good luck with your family and rest of your life you sound too good for your ex.

This.

No harm in letting the new gf know either though, but I’d do it through the grapevine instead of directly - she prob won’t care though or he’ll spin her a load of shite about how you were a nutter.

He inherited half a million pounds and still stole all the savings?

He's an arsehole. And that arseholeness will rise again when he wants to keep more money to himself at the expense of his child.

I would start saving as much of his contribution as you can so you can prepare yourself to file a CMS claim in 6 months if you think his salary is higher and you'll be entitled to more for his child. Enough to tide you over if he stops paying in the interim.

And document the payments in a list you are getting for him to show his acknowledgement that the child is his.

He made his choice. It tells you all you need to know about him. He blocked you, what a nasty piece of work. He’s shown how important he thinks you both are. Contacting this girlfriend will only bring drama and take the focus off what’s important. Your important role, being a mother, bringing up your son. This guy is a loser and karma will catch up with him I’m sure. As your son gets a bit older you’ll have opportunities to meet someone nice and to have career opportunities.