WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

[CarsCary]

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

Don't message her. If the money isn't official then he could end up withholding it from you. You don't need that stress. All that will happen is he will resent you for telling his new gf.

This. Just get the money for your child.

Defo this. I’d want to know, think most women would.

For the third time this morning, he is paying 50 OVER the calculation a month, he pays 1000 per month!

She can't add him to the birth certificate without him being there

I would want to know. But then you read tbe posts that appear on the step families board and all the women posting on there are rather scathing towards the ex wife and never talk nicely about them and they are always problematic then they get replies saying things like you shouldn't be involved in the stepchildrens life or parent them or raise them and then the ex wife gets accused of being lazy or controlling etc etc

Basically these women accept their partners version of the ex so who knows in this case what's already been said to the new girlfriend by her ex

I might get my friend to do it so that I am blameless. OP doesn't need his hate for doing this along with everything else she has to cope with.

I think it's credible that a friend could message the new gf and say sorry but I couldn't see this without speaking up - and then say the very well-worded thing above.

ah ok. In which case I'd probably just leave it with the gf as he could easily stop the maintenance.

Yes thinking about the maintenance, you really shouldn't message the gf because he so will stop it if you do I bet.

I think she should know. Please be prepared for her not caring and she may already know. However much the pair seem to be enjoying life together, it doesn't mean this is a serious, long term relationship. Your ex doesn't sound like a responsible 32 year old, heck I ,and I am sure you, know men in their early twenties who man up when they have a child.

It's very hurtful that he went off, for whatever reason, just before you gave birth and then wanting nothing to do with his child except pay support (which is something I suppose, many don't).

Were you happy before this, did you have a good time, going out and about, before you became pregnant? I assume the pregnancy was an accident. A happy accident for you now, you love your little son, but the child's father obviously doesn't see it that way.

I do wish you all the very best for the future. I hope you have good friends and family, and an interesting job. Your life could be great, you deserve that.

Im not sure I’d want the drama

What will you gain from this?

I understand that his life now is different to the one you had together and the future one you thought you may have had with him but taking emotion out of it he told you he didn't want a child. You broke up. He moved away. You had the baby.

You didn't have a 'child together' because you were not together when he was born. He is not 'our son'. He is your son.

He did not dump you and the baby for this new girlfriend. They met after he moved away. If you were in a relationship would you expect him to come wading in to it? Did you think he was going to stay single forever?

You will gain nothing from contacting her and you will continue on the spiral of self destruction wanting him to be something he doesn't want to be and until this friend showed you his social media you knew nothing about his life now. If you had been interested, you would already have known about her.

I was going to suggest the sister message him - keep your own side clean and play innocent.

For example, could this thread track back? 6 years, North West, hairdresser, in finance, London fashion week , Kensington, Foreign - unless you changed some details!

But again, we don't know , neither does OP, that he hasn't already told her.

Personally I'd say OP needs to leave it. Bluntly, he doesn't care about the child and wants no involvement. He's absolute prick for that and everyone will know this. The only person who doesn't think it's prickish behaviour is the ex.

If she does it this time, then is she going to do it tk every new partner he has? It's going to be a lot of involvement from the OP to keep track of him then find out who she is etc

Why didn't you put him on the birth certificate? That means no standing for cm if you appealed to them for more I think. Block all the girls insta/fb live your life and stop stalking trust me it does nothing good for your mental health. My x of 14 years went off after our 2nd child was born disabled son was 3 months our reactionship was good until then he didn't want to be tied down to a wheelchair he said. She was 10 years his junior and a fitness instructor - I told her she didn't care she was a gold digger 4 years later and x2 kids she divorced him took everything he moved back in parents and died from cancer 6 months later. Let karma take care of him. (Oh and I met a wonderful man when my son was 2, daughter 6 it'd been 17 years and he still amazing) concentrate on you and don't let it make you bitter.

I agree now - changed my mind - she should leave it and keep the £1000 a month. That's way more useful and important than giving in to jealousy :( xx

Apologies.

No don't rob your child of 12k a year.

Do you have a friend that could message her? Then you could stay some what non plussed when it all implodes on him.

I wouldn’t. What would it achieve for you and your son and it could make your situation worse. Focus on your life with your beautiful son and try not to focus on his. He has chosen his path and telling his girlfriend will not alter that.
I think you have a lot of dignity.

I’d not contact the GF, but go through CMS. He might move up very quickly—you don’t want your son to miss out. He could easily end up on £200k or £300k (and not tell you).

Was this baby planned, or a surprise?

It's so, so unfair OP. Your anger is totally understandable

I missed that, i just read in the original post £50.

So yeah, hes at least paying. Id leave him to it.

can't if he's not on birth cert I think

could force a dna test maybe

paternity suit

While this might hurt - it all depends on your reasons for you or his sister contacting her and they understandably seem spiteful and no good with come of it. You seem to have a lot of caring duties for your extended family - you sound quite kind and dedicated to them - would you really leave them to have the life your ex and his girlfriend has?

So dads not on BCs aren’t required to pay CM?