WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

[CarsCary]

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

I’ve actually mentioned this all to his sister now. She has said she might actually message her (from a hey see your dating xxx he’s my brother and blocked me, how is he? Everyone has worried perspective) and drop it that he has a son while doing that, not sure if that’s a great idea but I’ll leave that up to her.

I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing if his sister messages her, way less likely to backfire on you that way.
I wouldn’t worry about her having modelled at London fashion week, I used to work in the industry and generally if a young model got to walk in a big show very early on it meant that there was something more to it than natural looks and talent. I’d never want to be jealous or envious of a nepo baby and I’d never want to be a model have those crippling beauty standards placed on me.
As for all the events and holidays my experience is once they are in that world you generally have connections that can get you just about it anywhere, it may not even be she/he are paying for it, just knowing the right people will be enough for that. If she’s only 22 it’s unlikely she will stick with her finance bro boyfriend when she will be in the same circle as richer/hotter men!

You're giving both of them far too much headspace. He's failed to act like a decent person or father and this is likely to never change.

She shouldn't be on your radar. You're only going to send yourself bonkers.and what happens when he moves on again?

Why did your friend feel the need to let you know what they did, about him being in a relationship? The only input he is prepared to put into your son is a financial one. Sadly men like him won't change as they don't see they've done anything wrong and there's no telling them.

She sounds horrendous! Clearly very jealous. A good thing in some ways that they’re absent fathers as you couldn’t trust your ds being around such a woman.
Ex rang me up when I was pregnant and pretended other woman was also pregnant and later admitted it was a lie and showed me the messages off her that it had been her idea in the hopes it would stress me out enough to abort/misscarry!

Utterly amazes me how low some woman will go. I also feel very bad for my ds that his dad is so horrendous, but as you say it’s a blessing in some ways they are absent, they do not have the child’s best interest at heart and would be awful role models.
Feel free to pm me if you ever want to chat, I don’t know anyone else who has been through a similar situation 😊

Part of me agrees with you. I think she has a right to know about his capabilities and that she's next in line. Its easy to blame her but she's had so much help from him. I can't stop thinking about the little boy though, all decent folk should be prepared to speak up for him and his mum. But I don't want to encourage OP to dish out our wishes and suggestions and then be left to deal with the fall out alone. So I've pitched advice on self protection and real values and real help. But what a horrible baggage ex is. He's so unworthy both of her and his tiny son, I might also be tempted to tell his parents about the grandson they didn't know the had. He deserves to be welcomed into the family even if his dad says no. I'm in admiration of the little lads mum and her quiet dignity. All. Day. Long.

What happens if he's so besotted with her and she sees the infant as an Instagram money earner with photographs of her being the perfect step mother etc and urges him to have the child come and visit regularly and he agrees?!

You'll be shooting your self in the foot.

Special K.

Is Special K strictly a cornflake?!

£50 over the monthly calculated amount not just £50

I would say there is no point in telling her, because the truth is, he's not a dad to your child he hasn't earnt that title. A dad is someone who cares and loves their child. If he doesn't want to be part of his child's life, then his loss. I'm a single mum myself and had Domestic violence that started in pregnancy. I would say you and your chils have had a lucky escape and when they are older you'll not want to share them. When they start school which mine has recently, your time together becomes precious.

If he all of a sudden wanted involvement and was taking away your child with the girl, how would that make you feel, just thank your lucky stars hes not on birth certificate.
£1000 a month is a good amount maybe just check it over with csa. But I do think even high paid jobs theirs a cap. All the luck to you. You can do this. It does get easier ❤️

This will be seen as an act of war. He'll stop maintenance. If you can live without it fine but if not it may or not make any difference to her. She'll either justify it and accept his narrative or it'll be a deal-breaker but you will have money stopped and if he's not on the birth certificate it'll complicate things going through CMS I think.

The messenger is the one who gets all the flack even if breezy. Think about this careful.
I'd focus on healing and moving on as on some level this is about payback even if not consciously and this isn't going to get him to step up and be an involved dad. If you do this he definitely won't even meet his son. (Not that he likely will anyway) because you'll have burned that unlikely bridge.

I'm sorry he's a deadbeat and he chose opportunity and career over a family.
You and your son deserve so much better.

I think the risk to you OP is that he may go on to have more children and drop the amount he pays you in child maintenance. Please try to arrange your finances so that you are less reliant on him as time goes on.

He sounds like a complete git. All the holidays in the world don't replace the joy that comes from a child. He's the one missing out. I know that you might not feel like that at 3am with a teething baby, or when comparing Insta feeds.

You sound amazing by the way.

Write to him, tell him you're aware of his expensive lifestyle and that you would like realistic child support. He should realise from this that you are aware of his new relationship. If he does not increase his payments to a satisfactory level, take him to CMS.
The chance of you notifying his girlfriend should be in the back of his mind if he does not agree to this.
This will give you time to consider whether or not you want to advise his new partner what a lowlife he is.

He's already paying over the CMS amount, they won't up it.

First off everyone saying he is paying peanuts don't have the first clue how much he is paying, we don't know what figure he calculated against when he made that offer, secondly if the op accepted that without doing her own due diligence, well more fool her. She had the choice to accept it or to send to cms herself she choose not to and accepted his offer, that is totally down to her. Thirdly, the only reason she wants to tell the girlfriend is because she has seen pics of them doing xyz together, going to different places and is jealous and upset she can't enjoy that and now wants to spoil things for them. What's the point? Yes it may make you feel better at the time to score points but after, then what?
If you are struggling each month then get cms involved and see what they can do, don't go down the route of being bitter and vindictive otherwise where will it end? If he breaks up with this one are you gonna stalk every other relationship he has so you can do the same thing each time? Surely you have better things to do with your life

He can't chose to be or not on the bc. That should be your decision, and if he is he should be paying cm significantly more than the bare minimum, it goes by percentage of monthly wages.

1. He can make your life miserable if you for doqn the route of legalising himas a father, he can interfere with everything, travels agreements etc.
2. Just tell her about this is wouldn't even think about it. We're women we have to take care of each other. What kind of man abandons his child? This is a huge red flag for her.
3. It's not your problem whether she will care or not. You do your part and the rest is not your control.

I would get a mutual friend to do it for you if you really feel the need to tell him. I can totally understand why you want to, BUT I do worry that in turn he will make your life more difficult...you need to think about how you would cope if he completely pulled any maintenance in retaliation or even if she talked him into having some contact and you had to start letting him have him for a few hours. I think it would be opening the door to all few too many issues for me.
Aside from the initial rush from putting a spanner in his relationship, I can't see the benefits outweighing the risks.
As a mum of two boys myself, it does get easier, they are so loving and they give you so much 🩵

Much better, don’t approach the gf yourself. Just looks mad and bitter.

@Loz2323 first of, we do actually know how much he pays and what he based it off....

He gives me £1000 a month - 3rd post by the OP, page 2

I just had a little play around on the child maintenance calculator and for it to be £950 a month he’d have to earning around £110,000 (a bit more actually). Considering he was only on about £65,000 when we were together this doesn’t seem to far off. - post by the OP, page 5

The only thing Im more concerned with is the fact he is screwing you out-of money.
I know people on minimum wage pay more than that. He's taking you for a mug.
As he's already paying (I'm assuming through bank transfer) that is proof enough that he has accepted parental responsibility.
If hes earning about £100000 you are looking at £800 a month . Even if he was on £65k he would be liable for near £600 per month! Definitely contact csa and get what you are owed.
CSA can take the money direct ftom his pay if he refuses or get difficult.
And he cannot force contact after so long, he can adk sure but i doubt he will.

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

I’d encourage her not to mention your son.

I mean, I’d encourage her not to message at all if I’m honest, nobody reacts well to that type of message, but you don’t want to be dragged into this.

Rather then more maintenance, you could end up with them wanting 50/50 contact so nobody pays anyone, and you lose half your time with your son so they can play happy families for Instagram likes or because it seems romantic.

@Beccaboo0979 OP has said he pays a grand a month.

Don’t open this can of worms OP.

What if when she finds out, she encourages him to build a relationship with his son? And wanting to look like the good guy, he starts the process of doing this?

You’re getting a decent amount of maintenance that covers your housing costs. You’re not having to deal with him and he doesn’t have parental rights currently so you can make all parenting decisions yourself.

Do you really want to risk this for the sake of a bit of revenge or attempting to help karma along? Completely understand you feeling it’s unfair and being angry. But rocking the boat when you’re actually in a great position - financially ok and no need for contact with him or sharing of parental responsibilities, would be crazy IMO!

I thought at first he was only paying £50 pm then re read its £1k !!
Id be inclined to leave it. If you do mess up this relationship he’ll just move on to another . It certainly won’t bring him back to you and it might make him reconsider the additional maintenance he’s providing
It’s obvious that you’re hurt and upset by this but you are lucky to be rid of someone who doesn’t want to know his own flesh & blood . Enjoy your gorgeous DS - you as his mother sound more than enough for him . Moving on and being happy is the best payback x

Honestly sounds like you’ve got a good deal. What happens if he comes back into your life and decides he wants 50/50 contact? How would you feel then with no financial contribution and sharing your LO half the time? All over wanting to spite him and his gf? Personally I’d leave well alone. I’d take the £100 as a bonus and not worry about it.