WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

[CarsCary]

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

It's hard to say as I know I have a very different opinion on this to my sister (the other child in this scenario). I don't think there is one perfect way of navigating it, but as I think I am finding this thread a bit triggering, I'll step away and do some work or something instead!

I’m confused as to what you wished to achieve. He’s paying maintenance, you’ve no idea if she knows or not,she likely does. What would you like to happen, you want her to dump him as he doesn’t see his kid? Even though you don’t wish him to? Do you think she shouldn’t be with him as he doesn’t see his kid?

As much as it's tempting to message, I would keep at the forefront of your mind - will this help my child! It might feel good at the time but the drama to follow isn't worth it. She might not know but you're not due her anything. I get It's really frustrating when you are left holding the baby & they are off living their best life (been there). You will have a wonderful life with your baby & he will miss out. My DD is 15 now & she's the best thing I ever done in my life!

I'm sorry you're going through this, and what an absolute scumbag he is, but I'd also definitely recommend you keep away from this for your own sake.

My (now) ex-husband bailed when our son was a baby - was out of the blue, days before Christmas, my family all lived in another country, and he just said I 'wasn't fun anymore', that I was 'a shit mum' and 'the sex was shit' and moved out that day. It was completely out of the blue to me and I was devastated. I found out, of course, months later that he'd been cheating on me - who knows for how long. All our mutual friends had been told I'd ended the relationship and blocked him from seeing our son - none of it true. I was completely isolated because they all were on his 'side' and he was gleeful in telling me what he'd told them and how disgusted they all were by 'my' actions.

He quit his £80K p/a job and left me to pay the mortgage, work full-time and care for our son and pay his nursery fees on my own while I was truly heartbroken and wondering how bad a wife/mother/person I must be to have 'made' him do this to us - while conveniently working at his dad's company for only £20k p/a so he'd only have to pay a pittance in child maintenance. I moved back to my home country - something I genuinely didn't want to do as I'd lived in the UK for about 10 years at this point and my career was entirely dependent on being there - solely because I knew there would only be a short window before he'd stop me from leaving altogether.

He now pays €300 a month in child maintenance, works in a high-paid career (left his dad's company as soon as myself and our son left the country so CMS no longer applied, funny enough), lives in his girlfriend's house that she owns, and sees his son once a month. I am responsible for all costs flying my son to the UK to enable contact, which usually comes to about the amount he's paying in maintenance, on top of every other aspect of my son's care. I am occasionally furious and am trying incredibly hard not to let bitterness/envy overcome me.

BUT. I have got my son - and myself - away from him and will build a lovely life with him. Yes he's off enjoying a soaring career, and beautiful holidays with his beautiful (and wealthy) girlfriend. He's not back living with his parents in his late 30s having taken a massive step back in his career like I am.

But I'd every.single.day. rather have my son, and get to make the best decisions about my son's home, education, welfare and future, without him hovering over me or having a right to change it. I get to cuddle my son in the morning and watch him grow and laugh and tell me about his day - he'll never have that.

Take the (in fairness, very generous) child support he's paying for now - I'd imagine it won't last long once the guilt subsides. Then get CMS after him if/when that changes.

Let him go have his fun like the weak idiot he is. Keep your head held high and know how proud your son will be of you, and you should be proud of how safe and loved you're making him feel.

As others have said I would firstly sort out the maintenance, it doesnt sound like you are receiving enough at the moment. Once that's all done and sorted out officially then I would consider creating an anonymous Instagram account to warn the girlfriend, I would want to know if I were her. But also, she's not your concern so it's up to you.

I really would be inclined to have him put on the birth certificate.

Your son is not some seedy secret to keep hidden, he is this man's living, breathing child. Your son deserves it, and really id day it's better to ruffle a few feathers whilst he's young, and unaware of things.

It's also doing him out of an inheritance one day, which would be rightfully his.

Have a think and see how you feel.

Maybe this man needs photo or video of him to really bring the idea of him having a son to life. Out of sight, out of mind sort of thing I imagine is his motto.
Could anyone you're both connected to casually post a photo with you both in it?

Hopefully karma will get him. I know of a similar situation where the father wanted nothing to do with the child. Happy to pay them off. Fast forward 25 years and he wanted to meet her. Turns out he married but could never have any other children. Her stepfather was the one she chose to walk her up the aisle.

Op can't just put him on the bc.. He would have to attend.

Unmarried fathers have to be present to go on the birth certificate and it's too late for that anyway. Why would she give a man who has no interest in the child power of veto over medical treatment, education, trips abroad etc , even if she could? A birth certificate isn't just a record.

At some point in the future you will probably start dating someone. Do you think your ex has the right to decide when is appropriate to tell them that you have a child?

if you want to involve your ex in your child’s life then you should first contact him. Contacting his new partner isn’t going to help foster a good relationship between you.

Don't assume she will case for his son or will be appalled that her boyfriend is an arsehole. She might be the same, stunner kn the outside but a crap shallow human being, in the relationship for the perks

No one thinks that the girlfriend not knowing is a good thing. Those off is saying “don’t tell her” are prioritising the financial security and peace of mind of OP and son.

Anyone else unconnected would probably be advised to mind their own business/messengers get shot. It’s only the woman left holding the baby that there are these bizarre sisterhood suggestions for

I think on balance you have made the right decision not to message her. At some point I do think the payments should be formalised though.

We don’t know that him having a child is a secret. She can’t ‘put him on the birth certificate’ - he would have to be present and willing. There’s also no automatic right to inherit, at least not in England.

No- new gf could have the potential to make him suddenly want to get in contact. It could make life difficult for you.
You will be seen as the crazy ex. Just move on , take the money and hope he doesn't mess with your arrangements .
She might also say why is he paying if he isn't on the birth certificate.
Just don't upset the apple cart. You sound busy , you don't need the drama.

I would definitely get maintenance formally assessed - he may say he's paying £50 over the minimum but you don't know what his earnings are do you?

Assuming he PAYS via ACT get a bank printout of every payment he's made since your child was born. Send it off to CSA with whatever details you have on him, and expect a back dated reassessment. I would stake my Christmas bonus he's been underpaying - he's a man who's chosen to have no engagement with his only child, ever - so it's almost a certainty.

As for telling a 22 year old - I wouldn't bother. He is going to say you are either a liar or got pregnant deliberately to trap him. At 22 I don't think I would've have cared a jot if my new fun boyfriend who was whisking me all over the place on nice holidays had a child - I wouldn't have been thinking long term, and it wouldn't affect me. I certainly wouldn't have had the emotional maturity to realise someone cold enough to behave as he has had to be a right wanker. If things go long term with them and he doesn't tell her I may consider it (if I knew they were still together).

If you go via CMS the correspondence, payments etc will be harder for him to hide from a long term partner.

Ultimately, what will you gain from telling this girl? They could split up and he'll move on to another young hottie, but be ready to pour out the story of his bunny boiling stalker ex who stole his essence 🤮 to make a baby against his will.

Hit him in the pocket, that's all he'll care about. You are a decent person for putting your child and family front and centre. Not like him.

Ah sorry I thought he wasn’t paying anything.
Well then I if he’s paying over £1000 I would leave it for fear of if you did that, he would stop paying anything. Leave well alone and don't rock the boat.

Not that it matters and I appreciate what you were trying to do here.
She no longer appears to model (I found her LinkedIn seems she works in PR/Marketing consultancy for fashion brands). She’s been posting in the same house tagging it as Kensington for several years seems to always have lived a luxury life. The London fashion week shows were walking for a well known high end brand.
I’d be more inclined to assume she is subsidising his life or at the very least it’s her contacts helping them do cool things (silverstone, box at Wembley for Taylor swift, Wimbledon final). Naturally my ex wasn’t interested in any of these things. Considering I can go back over 5 years and it still have the same look on her instagram id imagine her parents are well off.
Im not interested in dragging this girl, I don’t know her she could be lovely and sweet, she could be horrible and fake. Unless I know for sure the latter I’d rather assume the former.
I won’t risk my stability for her but I do hope she won’t turn into another victim of a cruel man’s games. I think it’s natural to feel a little bitter when you realise a man who treated you so poorly now gets a hot young model of a girlfriend. I guess I want karma to have stepped in and left him single!
Anyway I do appreciate what you were trying to do and thank you, but I went far too deep with my stalking and know enough to have an idea that she probably has influential parents who have money, helped her get signed with a lucrative agency, honestly good for her!

It’s beggars belief woman behave like this! I wouldn’t touch a man with a barge poll if I knew they were a deadbeat.
So sorry you went through that! Other woman was whinging that she hoped I miscarried/aborted as she was worried her future kids wouldn’t get as big of an inheritance share when ex dies. 😂
Disgusting individuals. It’s their loss, when they are old and incontinent, they will regret not being part of their childrens lives!

Don't worry about karma. It will get him without your help.
He behaved appallingly towards you and your (his own fesh and blood) baby.

My ex's new wife has kids from a previous relationship and can't have more, so she was terrified he'd leave her for me once his apparently long-desired son was born. But I knew he wouldn't try and come back as a) I don't mother him like he wants and b) he knew damn well I wouldn't accept him or put up with any of his nonsense.

The trash took itself out as they say. I just wish my baby's dad was a less rubbish person and at least made an effort with him but in other ways his absence is a blessing.

I am sorry OP. If she’s from money, she’s from money. You have no idea what he’s telling her - inheritance from mum, big job in the city etc. He’s probably burning money trying to keep up.
A lot of girls in similar circles are very well connected and it’s not fair but life is easier for them in those ways.
I am sure he’s loving the ‘arm candy’ and the lifestyle but that level of lifestyle is not his. It is hers, funded by her parents.
She will probably get bored of him I should imagine.
The main thing now is concentrating on you. Money and all the ‘lovely’ events are meaningless if you are not a decent person. His life is probably built around a lie now - I bet he’s not inviting his dad down any time time soon!
A life built on lies is a very poor one indeed.

NO.there is nothing to be gained from doing so.
if struggling with money-tell him that .keep the distnce.hes not worth the hassle

Fgs no. What is it about ppl trying to get others back anyway.
Live your life, be happy and keep your nose out.
It's nothing to do with you.

How can yoube happy when your plotting and planning.
Don't get tips and don't snoop on others social media too.
Live your own life.
Your mental place with thank you for it. Stop looking for trouble.

My friend’s ex-DH has a GF who knows he has kids but fails to see it as a bad thing that he takes GF and her kids on frequent holidays, but never takes his own away!

There’s every chance this woman knows he has a son but doesn’t care/hasn’t stopped to think about what that says about him.