WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

[CarsCary]

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

His life now is none of your business.
You separated, he pays maintenance, any attempt to derail his new relationship would just be out of pure jealousy. Let him live his life and you focus on yourself and your child.

Their child, not just the op’s. Whatever the op does should not factor in how much it would upset his life. People are to quick to play the ‘well nothing you can do would make him step up’. The op doesn’t get to go, ‘can’t be arsed to parent, I’m going to jet off with my new model’, if she did the social response wouldn’t be ‘leave her to it, nobody’s business’. He doesn’t get off the hook just because he does the very bare minimum in paying maintenance.

OP also says she's 'foreign'. As if that has any relevance? OP needs to stop stalking now. Nothing good will come of it.

lol spite

Jealousy?! Lol. You sound like you're defending this absolute prize twat of a man.

I found out 4 years into a relationship that my ex had previously done exactly the same thing as OP described- I very much cared!

If he could do that to one child I was under no illusions he could do it to any child we might have in the future too, no attempt to control the narrative was going to convince me otherwise. I dumped him.

Good for you.

Men like this make my blood boil. And I speak very much as a child whose father had almost no involvement in my life.

He’s made it clear he doesn’t want anything to do with the child. The OP has no choice but to accept that, I’m afraid. The only person she’ll work up by contacting the new partner is herself. I can’t see what good can come of anything other than getting on with her own life.

This and go to the csa please.

You want to do it because you hope for her to react with disgust and dump him. You want to blow his life up as he has yours. I’m not saying you shouldn’t feel that way, or even what you should or shouldn’t do, but I would advise you to ask yourself how would you feel if she didn’t even acknowledge you and their life continues unaffected? Or if he cuts child maintenance in response?

Is it actually going to be worth it for you and your son? Do the potential positives outweigh the potential negatives?

So men just get to walk away from their kids if they can't be arsed with them?

@AnonymousBleep I’m not ‘defending’ anyone.

You can’t change people’s shitty behaviour, sadly, but you can choose how to respond to it. The only reason to contact the new partner would be to spite her ex and personally, I wouldn’t waste my precious energy that could be invested more positively in mine and my child’s life instead, that’s all.

Evidently, given that they do. Beyond applying for maintenance, you can’t actually force someone to be a parent.

Men like him deserve to have their lives blown up for being prize cunts, but that aside, the new girlfriend has a right to know what her partner is really like. Perhaps she already does. But a lot of women are kept in the dark about their partners' sordid little secrets - as Mumsnet illustrates time and time again - and it rarely works out well for them.

Sadly yes. Get angry all you like but men like this know they can do what they like as there no law in place to force them into a relationship with their child.

@AnonymousBleep That’s not what I’m saying. The harsh reality is that OP cannot force her ex to want to be a part of the child’s life. Rightly or wrongly, it is that simple. And contacting the new partner won’t change that.

She’s better off just pretending she’d never seen the Instagram account, and letting him realise in his own time what he’s missing out on.

Again, it’s all about perspective. Opinions are what are being sought here. I respect yours, and I’ve given mine.

People must do what’s best for them, but personally, I wouldn’t be making it my mission to bring him down. I’d be too busy watering my own grass to be arsed about whether his looked greener. The regrets he will have going forward will come to catch him in good time.

So men just get to walk away from their kids if they can't be arsed with them?

What else do you propose?

It’d hardly be in the interests of children to force them upon a parent who has no interest in them and may actively resent their presence. It could result in abuse and psychological damage being forced to spend time with someone who blatantly doesn’t want them around and may neglect them. Sometimes an absent Father is the better option.

I don't have a proposal, but I was the kid in a not dissimilar scenario (except my dad didn't pay child maintenance either) and I know the lasting damage these men cause. It's all very well and good taking the moral high ground, but the person who benefits most from that is actually the useless bum of a 'father', unfortunately.

That's even worse. Hopefully he'll have the decency to stay the fuck out of his child's life permanently instead of dipping in and out and destabilising everything on a whim.

Sigh. OP - I really feel for you.

As the child in that scenario, how would you advise a mother to handle the situation for damage limitation? What would you have wanted from your mother or father?

Personally, I fostered a positive relationship with the rest of the family so my son at least has those links for the future and I try and keep it as neutral as I can with my ex. Not sure how to handle it in the future to protect him? My ex says he loves our son but his actions say his priority by a 100 miles is himself and his new partner. Sometimes I wonder if cutting contact with him would be better for my child?

Make that claim official but don’t meddle. You’ll be seen as an interfering jealous ex. Make sure you get what money you’re entitled to for your child and focus on him rather than this complete deadbeat.

But it may not blow his life up at all. It could very easily make OP feel worse though, and see her child maintenance cut. People get the opposite of what they ‘deserve’ all the time.

What OP wants to happen is far from guaranteed from happening, and she’s considering taking quite the risk in the hopes of a sense of satisfaction that likely won’t be worth the possible, if not probable, blowback.

Acting emotionally here, rightly or wrongly, could very well bite her, and her child, on the ass. It’s absolutely OP’s choice to make, but she should consider whether the potential consequences are worth it. It’s not about him, it’s about her and her son.

Oh no!! I wasn’t insinuating that he would be able to just breeze into the child’s life when the realisation does eventually hit him.
I’m sure it’ll be far too late by the time that happens. And that’s the cross he’ll just have to bear because his ex won’t need him and nor will the child. And all that will happen without the need for the OP to make revelations to anyone. And if it doesn’t, well, that speaks volumes about the value of this man too, doesn’t it!

I mean, you could say "I don't suppose you could help me get in touch with Mr Twat - obviously his child's now 8 months so I thought it was best to double check that he still never wants to meet them? A mutual friend recommended I try him via you. I'm sure he's mentioned me but there's no drama from me. All the best for the future."

But if it was me I'd think my child was better off without this absolute twat and wouldn't want to risk them meeting! What if he wanted access. Brrrr.