WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

[CarsCary]

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

Also@CarsCary how come caring for parents and brother seems to fall to you? There seems to be a lot where everything is on you.

Christ, yeah, tell her. She needs to be warned in case she gets pregnant too!

I have no other siblings or family to help. I was very lucky and have amazing parents so I don’t mind caring for them and feel the same about my brother, however it is a lot!

On second thoughts, don't tell her directly yourself. Do it through a friend so it doesn't look like it comes from you. As others say, no point rocking the boat. But he's a massive cunt and his new GF should know that.

It would be a massive risk for her to go down the official CM route when she needs this money. She could end up with less or if he is annoyed at her he might even push for contact to reduce what he has to pay. He has the money after all to pay other people to look after the child on his contact time. Or even his girlfriend is she is daft enough to do it.

On second thoughts, don't tell her directly yourself. Do it through a friend so it doesn't look like it comes from you.

Of course he’s going to know that it’s coming from her. Who else is going to be invested enough to bother? No one is that naive!

Tbh at first I thought no but then I read the rest of your story and I would message her. Hopefully she'll be shocked and appalled and dump him.

Don't tell her at all, not directly, not indirectly.

She's in her early 20s. She may well know, and it just not feel relevant or real to her. She may know and use it as an opportunity to suggest contact, so she can play mums and dads with him. She may not know, but decide it's not important right now. She may not know and kick him out. None of them help you, other than knowing he's suffered a bit - but that'll come back to bite you anyway, because he'll pay you less money, and if he's a real wanker, decide he wants contact, so you wave your baby off with them for half a week every week.

It's absolutely normal to feel how you feel - upset, left behind, abandoned. Some of your points are really fair, others are probably less so - if you were together for 18 months, it's probably generally fair to split the savings the same as you each actually saved, even if it doesn't feel like he "needed" his part.

Tell the friend to unfollow him. The temptation was always going to be too much, but all it's done is bring him back to the front of your mind, and create jealousy and a focus on him. You don't need to keep an eye on him. Take the grand a month, and know that what is for you won't pass you by. Something better will happen.

It's so awful how other women can be as well! Apparently my ex's now wife cried when I had his baby (he left me for her when I was pregnant). And she kept saying it wasn't his when I was pregnant. Where are their morals and compassion?

Before I was in this situation I dated a guy who I found out had children from previous relationships he never spoke about and I dumped him because to me his attitude to his children and baby mamas spoke so much about his character...

But who are these women who tolerate this low life behaviour?? I can't stand guys who abandon their own children and that was before it happened to me.

I think this is brilliant advice, OP.
Wishing you and your beautiful son the best 💐🙏🍀💛

I would. It would be extremely strange if he hasn’t told her he has a son. Why should your son be a secret?

Someone messaged a friend of mine to say her bf had had a baby with her who he had nothing to do with. He denied it, friend immediately blocked the woman, but not before looking at her pics of a kid who looked just like her bf. I could tell it rattled her but she buried it and went on to marry him. I completely believe the ex as wouldn’t trust friend’s now husband as far as I could throw him.

But what outcome are you hoping for?

It's going to be an exhausting life for you if you are planning on doing this each time he has a new relationship and the time spent on monitoring him.

He's an absolute shit but doing what you are doing won't make him suddenly want to be involved with his son.

I wouldn’t do it. Nothing positive will come out of it for you or your son.

Whether she knows or not, he’s not going to have told her the truth. I think that’s fairly obvious. So if she knows, she’s never going to believe you over him. Especially if she’s been spun a tale of how you’re a crazy stalker ex who is determined to ruin his life because he left you and you’re still bitter that you can’t have him.

And if she doesn’t know, then the first thing she’s going to do is tell him that you’ve told her. And he’s going to be very, very pissed off. And as you depend on that money to pay your rent, and as he also has the potential to royally mess your son’s head up, and cause you untold amounts of aggravation in the family courts with expensive lawyers, do you really want to invite that into your life?

Personally, I’d save it in case you ever need to use it in the future. Just in case he ever decides that his international travel needs to come before your son having a roof over his head, and he can’t afford both. In the meantime, maybe contact a debt helpline, or ask for advice on that Martin Lewis website on re jigging your finances. You want to be as independent of his maintenance money as you possibly can be, before you go official.

Because she would be the petty, sad and pathetic ex girlfriend, messaging to try and cause issues between them.

Regardless of the op's actual intentions this is how I would have seen a message like that in my early 20's and he will likely encourage that view.

Wether you like it or not, people are cruel.

£50 over the CMS amount I thought it was?

‘Secure the fort and let karma reign’ is one of the best things I’ve read on here in a long time.

I’m sorry for your pain, OP, but I think you’ve made the right decision here. Contacting her may make you feel slightly better, but that feeling will be momentary, and all you’ll have achieved is to invite more drama and upset into your life and potentially rock your own boat financially.

Concentrate on having a lovely cosy life with your little boy - your ex may be an arsehole but he left you with this one, amazing, lifelong gift. You win.

In all honesty I wouldn't. You wouldn't gain anything out of it and instead risk your ex doing shitty things with the CMS that you seem to be relying on. If you get yourself in a financial situation that you don't need his money then sure send the burn message

I also think you need to reframe how you see his new girlfriend. So what if she's a model? This is neither a good or bad thing it's just her career choice. Don't assume she's somehow in need of saving just because she's 25.

This thread is infuriating. I totally get all the advice about not telling the girlfriend BUT this total bum of a man has fucked over his pregnant girlfriend and left her holding the baby, and he gets away with being a total cunt because she needs his money BECAUSE he's left her holding the baby. We live in a fucked up society where women are just expected to put up and shut up.

Your ex is a massive wanker, OP. I hope something suitably horrible happens to him, like his cock falls off.

LOL. 100% this. Let's hope karma really is a thing.

Having been ‘around’ that industry let me tell you, there’s a lot of smoke and mirrors.
Taking selfies sitting on steps of posh houses, tagging the area, it’s all part of the illusion.
And taking part in London Fashion Week can be being Naomi Campbell (rare) or taking part in a fringe show and/or doing make up where you work for buttons and they say it will be good for your image/portfolio.
Apart from a vaulted few, you would be surprised at the amounts of influencers earning very little - hence why I’ve seen some move to Only Fans. Not all, and I’m not judging.
I can honestly tell you that unless she has a million plus followers, she won’t be hitting the big time. There are established models with less than a million, but they tend to be an older demographic.
For most, it’s a soul destroying business. Your ex is probably financially supporting her and providing her with a man in her arm. These things are very transactional, I am afraid.
And because of all the tweakments these girls have there are more and more of them. Of course, you get a rare natural beauty but the competition is still fierce.
And it might be glamorous but it’s mostly boring and repetitive.
I am not judging anyone involved, it’s a business. Some people fly and do very well (like Molly Mae) but it’s not as glossy as it looks.
As for stealing your savings, he’s beneath contempt.
What you do in life is so valuable - being a mum, a loving family member and carer, and a hairdresser.
All I can say is try not to let the curiosity eat you up, and these lies of his will come out in time.

The issue is the new gf probably won't be bothered, its just more stress and heartache for OP. He'd be fine as well as he'd simply spin a yarn.

I'm more confused at those who think this 'dad' who walked away is genuinely paying as much CMS as he should (plus £50 extra). No way.

Be clear what you hope to achieve from telling her. If it is just to get at your ex it may backfire. He would always move on - would you do this if he was with a less glamorous girlfriend? Appreciate it grates but his life is not your priority or business anymore.

let it go, make sure he keeps paying maintenance & move on with your life.

I was quite surprised with the first number of replies that were in the "message her" camp.

While it's tempting, I don't think the potential ramifications of doing so are worth it.

Ultimately, what would it achieve? Yes, it might give her the heads up that he's a dead beat dad, but you need to focus on you and your child as priority. I'm all for solidarity with other women, but my child would be more important to me than someone I've never met. If he wasn't paying maintenance at all and I was struggling, hell yes, but when the money he's paying is good and needed, why risk it?

Hold the information in reserve, keep a note of her name, just in case. She may end up pregnant herself at some point and you might then notice the amount being paid into your account drops. At the point anything changes, contact CMS.

That £1,000 may be generous now, but his earnings will change over time and if he's doing well in his career it will go upwards. It will be interesting to see if he increases it without contacting you, or whether he carries on paying £1,000 hoping that you'll not quibble.

I'm definitely in the camp of don't rock the boat, but keep an eye on it and contact CMS if you get the impression you're being hard done by.

You apply to cms for payments from him and they take them unless he says he’s not that dad . They would then come back to you and a request for you all to have bloods done and prove the paternity.
He would be made pay then . If he refused the bloods it’s a taken that he’s the parent and would be paying.
Yes there is a delay in payments but it will be back dated to wheh you apply
He is keeping you sweet with the odd £100 here and there pretending he cares . He doesn’t or he wouldn’t have ditched his son and blocked you .

He may end up with the new women pregnant and not what to pay who knows what will change his end but he may stop payments over night what would you do then.

He still doesn’t have to be on the birth certificate unless he requests even then you could refuse and he would have to take it to court .