WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

[CarsCary]

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

Of course curiosity got the better of you @CarsCary it would most of us. Just drop it though.

I can almost guarantee though that if you throw a potential bomb into his new, fabulous life! the first thing he’ll do is stop your payments. Then you’ll be fucked and cms might say he has to pay less.

There’s every chance the girlfriend either knows or won’t care. Whilst a bad father, you haven’t suggested violence or other type of behaviour that you genuinely should warn her about. Be honest. You just want revenge. You’ll be the one who pays the price.

Have you read how much maintenance OP gets, and that it pays her rent? Why would you jeopardise that?

My ex moved overseas out of reach of the CMS. His new gf got in his ear about paying too much and off they went into the sunset. She didn’t give a shit about his parenting responsibilities. And she had met my DC. Maybe this is why I have strong opinions.

Nothing to gain at all putting spite/stirring (in the guise of some daft mum code) ahead of practicality. The baby is better off without him in his life; she just needs to take the money and not rock the boat.

Tell her if you want but she is not the problem. With kindness you need to look in to getting care in place for your parents and brother. It isn't your job to spend the rest of your life being tied to them. You have a son to worry about and outside of that you need to have a life of your own. Your ex is an absolute cunt for making a baby with you and then abandoning you both but tbh I would not want to tie myself to a person who was a carer for so many people either - it's not fair on you, any perspective partner and especially your son.

Save as much money as you can because when he’s burned through his mum’s money he may well start being less generous with his maintenance.
You did some doom scrolling, everyone does occasionally, you fell down a rabbit hole, give yourself a good shake and move on.
Maybe concentrate on your good friends and organise some meet-ups, don’t mention the ex, try to stop thinking about him, it just a drain on your finite resources. You are a really wonderful good person.

Yes I guess you’re right @Haggia , it’s SOOOOOO UNFAIR op, my heart goes out to you xxxx

You know people on here post without thinking.

For those saying tell her.

Why on earth would you even think of rocking the boat.

He pays your rent.

What are you going to do if he says okay 50/50 his £1,000 could pay for an awful lot of childcare and he may even spend more just to spite you.

Where's your rent going to come from now.

Also you may not want any kind of relationship or dealings with him but what are you going to do in future if you blow this up now and his Son wants a relationship with him.

Its tough he left you, get over it instead of stalking him and concentrate on your son instead of bringing his negativity into it.

I don't think you would be unreasonable. But the fact that this risks the status quo with his payments (which you are reliant on) shows that it would be best to formalise the arrangement. And that it may not actually be worth it to send that message.

His behaviour is shitty and I'm sorry for that. But you sound like a great Mum (and daughter and sister).

Another mutual contact can look out for his new girlfriend. OP had enough on her plate and needs to look after her son’s interests first.

Sorry if I've missed this, but do you still have written evidence of him saying he doesn't want to be on the BC, doesn't want to have a relationship with the child etc?
Save these.
The truth will come out sooner or later and if you keep evidence and remain as factual as possible, you will come out on top.

Thank you. Brought back tough times!

Please ignore all these 'well I get £3.50 a month for 4 kids you're so lucky you should be grateful' people because it's irrelevant and just because other men are worse it doesn't change your situation. If he's giving you £1000 voluntarily he probably earns enough to be giving you and his child much much more. How much is a full time-nanny, nappies, formula, food, bills, a pram, a car seat, nursery etc? Loads more than that. But it's enough to keep you quiet and he's exploiting the fact that he knows you need it. I wouldn't contact her, he will lie and say you're a psycho ex who is obsessed with him and you can't prove to her your baby is his. She might not even care anyway. I would find a way to screenshot the insta posts, look at his LinkedIn to see what sort of salary he must be on etc if/when he decides to stop paying though. Because the stress of the uncertainty would drive me mad. Also if he's in London and you're in the NW he's not going to go for 50/50. He's never even met his child. Don't worry about that, some men threaten it but I'd say he won't.

Also don't give up on buying a house eventually OP. Especially as you are in the north where prices are (a bit) cheaper. I live in a terrace in the north, we bought it and the monthly mortgage payments are less than renting. I know it's hard getting the deposit together though.

In the meantime there's no shame in renting. A good proportion of families I know rent their house x

Nothing good can come of you contacting her Op, your EX will be angry and he'll probably stop the payments. Even if his GF left him they'll be other women so you'd have gained nothing. Be happy with your DC and get on with your life.

Do you think OP should not tell her because the reaction is unpredictable?

She may not care. Or she may. The point is, she’ll know.

Why would they laugh at her?

I looked it up too. Its shocking how little of their income absent parents ( usually fathers) have to pay. It was £850pm if he was earning 100k.

OP, someone may already have mentioned this. But are you claiming any Universal Credit or other benefits? As I understand it, child maintenance is not taken into account when they work out entitlement to this and from the experience of friends on benefits, they seem to work well to reward working parents. Worth looking into - there is a website called ' What am I entitled to' and you could also get a benefit check at the Citizen's advice bureau I think.

She may not care. Or she may. The point is, she’ll know.

And the point is that OP is very likely to lose money.

OP I was in a very similar situation with my baby ds dad. He went off with another woman while I was pregnant and I felt pity for her thinking she didn’t know. I never contacted her but it turned out she knew about my pregnancy and was hoping I had a miscarriage or abortion!
Ds ‘dad’ returned after he was born but was awful disappeared again a few months ago. I know how it feels when they’re flouncing away on holidays and leaving us will all of the responsibilities. He has a new gf now who most likely knows nothing about his son but he can go and rot for all I care.
I know how tempting it feels to message the other woman but you need to think is it worth the storm that it could cause? Deadbeats like this always have an excuse up their sleeve.

@CarsCary I’d be more annoyed he took all the savings if you contributed half. Any chance of recovering your contributions? As for the rest, no, she’s nothing to do with you and she may already know.

OP has regular maintenance payments now. Going through CMS will definitely cause delay and could lead to reduced payments in future. You think she's morally obligated to screw with her finances and the stability of her son's home just to let some random woman she's never met know that her boyfriend is an arsehole? Mad.

I probably didn’t contribute half (I made about half as much as he did and came into the relationship with debt and continued to get debt), however it would have been nice considering he just inherited near half a million if he’d left me having the savings. Anyway what can you do!

Telling her will achieve nothing. He will still be an absent father, doing as he wants, when he wants and with whom he wants. If she dumps him, he will just find someone else.
But do stop following her stories on IG!! The more time you spend on them, the more resentful you will feel and that isn't going to help you or your son

He pays £50/mo over what he says is the calculation. Only have the word of a man who walked out in his pregnant girlfriend and hasn't seen his son that this is the correct calculation. He may just be telling her it is £50 more than the calculation because he wants her to think he is overpaying so that she is deterred from going through cms for the actual amount. If he has had 5+ international holidays in 9 months, he could probably afford a bit more! I would go down the cms route.

I wouldn't message and say "do you know he has a baby he never sees?", but I would maybe message the gf and say something like "hi, Im CarsCary, X's ex. I haven't been able to get hold of X and friend gave me your details. Could you please ask X to call me as soon as possible? It's about our son."

Well I would take it a crap "father" who abandons his child is very likely to lie about his income why going by CMS would probably benefit the OP and especially her child.

As tempting as it is, and not tell her. She’s quite young and realistically she probably won’t care. For a few young women, a man with seemingly no responsibilities/ties and a big pay check would override the reality of what a shitbag he is. Very easy to pretend someone doesn’t exist when living in a bubble. I would 100% go through official CMS though, even if it means losing £50 a month. Because if he ever does get serious with this girlfriend or anyone else, eventually they’ll come across that 1k hole in his finances and he won’t be able to spin a story so easily…