WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

[CarsCary]

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

If the new GF doesn't have kids, she might not understand how expensive they are and how low CM is, and think "Wow, he's so generous, he is paying more than he has to" (and your ex will probably spin a story about how you tricked him into pregnancy etc).

The most important person here is your DS.

If telling her didn't impact him, I'd say go for it.

But actually, it might. He's paying £1k a month and that must surely make a significant difference. I wouldn't want to risk losing that.

Also, once your DS is older, he will presumably start asking about his dad and may want to see him eventually, so although it is massively unfair, I'd not want to rock the boat on that score.

I think you need to play the long game here, and your DS's interests are what's important here.

It always drives me mad women saying don't sent the message. Women need to look out for women, if we all called out this behaviour and gave each other the heads up then it would be harder for these ment to treat us like this with the risk future women will know the truth.

You’re assuming that she’ll care. She might well not. She may even be relieved that the child isn’t in their lives considering the complications that can bring.

The most important thing here is the welfare of the OP and her child and there’s little to be gained from telling her.

@CarsCary only thing is having read more replies, my ex lives abroad and zero chance I'd have to share custody so I guess I was never worried about this. I'm wondering if you can somehow get someone else to let her know though. If she has a lot of followers maybe a friend of yours could follow her then claim to be surprised that she's going out with your ex etc... so then you can claim to be uninvolved.

Anyway that's what I'd do if I wanted her to know but didn't want to stir things up.

Also yes you're winning but I totally get the bitterness of him doing all the travelling etc while you are left doing all the work, however you get all the reward. You have your beautiful son who will know how much you have done for him. There is nothing more special than your bond x

Get the payments made official and leave it at that.

It seems like you want to tell her to break their relationship up or cause damage but what will that achieve?

And she might already know and not be bothered

If he's frequently jetting off around the world on lavish holidays then he's probably earning more than he's letting on. He probably owes more than £1k a month.

Also 'opportunity of a lifetime'? OP rightfully wanted to be near her support network as a new mum but her ex was selfish and just fucked off.

I wouldn’t contact the girlfriend.

But definitely open CMS case and get payments formalised. It gets reviewed every year. I wouldn’t take it at face value that he’s paying £50 pm above stipulated amount.

It really is bloody hard live with fact that he’s abandoned his commitment to his son and travelling but hopefully at some point in your life you too can travel. I know that seems a long way off and not possible to predict but once you are out of the baby years, you can hopefully find something or someone else that will make you happy. Meanwhile, I think you are great, looking after everyone 🌸🪷🌸

Don't poke the bear, would be my advice. She may already know, and even if she doesn't, you won't gain anything from telling her. You'd be doing it to punish ex, not for her wellbeing. He's paying a reasonable amount, is willing to go over and above that when necessary, but you cannot force him to have a relationship with your child.

Maybe ask him for a bit of hush money on top of child maintenance..

I just don’t see what you’d gain from doing it and getting involved. Other than getting one over on him, what would it achieve? And as others have pointed out (a) it might not have the effect you think it will and (b) might backfire, massively.

I’m confused. The GF may well already know. I think people are putting way too much assumption here that a 22 year old will be outraged at her partner’s lack of parental contact. She’s most likely pleased that the ex is firmly in the past offering no competition and that she doesn’t have to look after someone else’s kid every other weekend!

I’m not going to make the claim official.
I will give it until next April to see if it goes up naturally (he works in finance so I imagine it would either be January when he started the job or April for the financial year ending that he’d get a pay rise).
Right now he is paying either on or often before the 1st of the month, always at least as much as he said he would.
I don’t want to complicate this.

I am a little tempted to get someone to message her for her sake rather than to see anything happen to her. She has a few videos on TikTok with him with a lot of views and her instagram tagged in the bio so they could always have found it through that.

Why are you so sure she doesn’t already know?

Sound move re CMS - after all, if he’s overpaying you’d end up with less 🙄

I am a little tempted to get someone to message her for her sake rather than to see anything happen to her.

Don’t do that as it may come back to bite you. They’ll know that it was you who told her even via a friend. It’ll be obvious and you have a lot to lose here. She may already know and is likely not to even care.

OP even though he works in finance and has a good job he will be working his way through cash like there is no tomorrow. And trust me on this unless his girlfriend has a million followers, plus, he will be paying for those trips.
It is all fake.
I know his mum left him money but sadly it really is his to spend no matter how she would have felt about a grandchild. I feel for his dad as well bet he’s been royally dumped.
I know you are renting but you are still young there’s lots of time.
I think you are doing a fantastic job. A lot of MN seems to be devoted to having nest eggs tucked away for DC, well a lot of people are working hard to pay bills. Your son is loved and has you.

You’re right she might know, I guess I want to believe she is a decent person being taken for a bit of a ride rather than someone else who is cold to him having a son!

I wouldn't do it personally, I don't think you have anything to gain.
I would get in with your life now , with your son and try and move on and be happy.

Oh I’m sure it will all
come crashing down soon enough. He took 30k of the 40k we saved together so I’m sure that’s helping to pay for it all!
She is foreign and whenever she tags a picture at what I assume is her home she tags Kensington so she might be well off in her own right though.
She doesn’t have loads of followers but if you scroll back she has pictures from London Fashion week where she was modelling and work for a make up brand (I know I sound like a crazy stalker but I’m not perfect and curiosity got the better of me!)

There's also a high possibility they will read it together and laugh at you. How would you feel?

You also don't know that she doesn't already know about your son and doesn't care.

If I were you it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

Absolutely tell her. Why wouldn’t you?

DO NOT DO THIS. You do not want this arsehole in your life. He might want to see your child out of spite and he could really fuck the child up .
You will no longer be your own boss.
I get the woman might be seeing him under false pretences BUT you have to put your child first.
He’s paying maintenance.
Leave it. You don’t want him in your life.
Oh and that friend who showed you his Insta… dump her as well.

If she knows then he could have spun her any old story - couldn’t he? You’re the heinous ex who makes life so difficult it’s easier for him to pay and stay away. That he’s just waiting til his DS is a little older before pushing for access, that he’s in the process of getting access etc.
Their relationship is so new I doubt that she’s questioning anything.
DF met a guy who has no relationship with his DS, the story was - crazy ex wouldn’t let him etc.
So friend married this guy, has a kid, then they split up and he was a nightmare and started telling everyone that our DFriend was the nightmare ex, wouldn’t let him have access to their DS…
Not true. Friends DS is now 16 and has a relationship with the older half brother and that first child has a very different tale to tell about their father - from lack of interest to lack of money paid to being constantly let down etc

Yes I agree with that - a lot of people would be happy to not have the "hassle" of a (young) child and prefer this situation.

Who cares if they laugh? Thats on them. They will both one day mature and they won’t be laughing then. By then the op’s child will have grown up and the op’s life will have improved. Do what you need to do op

I don’t think it’s my friends fault. We aren’t close for one and I mentioned him to her, she said oh I still follow him actually didn’t realise he’d been so horrible, I said (drunkenly) oh wish I could have a stalk and it went from
tbere!