Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting DS to spend Christmas with my family

127 replies

FTMaz · 15/10/2024 22:31

Hi everyone

interested to know people’s thoughts on this as I do have a tendency to be pretty stubborn 😂

me and DP have been together for 5 years. I have a large extended family who are all close. Christmas is a big deal in my family and we go all out historically at my Nan’s house but since her passing at my Mum’s. Christmas is a very special time for me for a number of reason I won’t go into on here.

DP has a very different family dynamic. He has never spent it with extended family as they are not close. He has a strained relationship with his Mum for again a number of reasons that I won’t go into detail about. He has a sister who is married with 2 kids and they spend Christmas together, DP, his mum (who I will refer to as MIL for ease) sister and kids.

Historically we have spent Christmas morning together and then gone our separate ways for Christmas Day - may seem odd to some, he has always been invited to spend it at my Mum’s but he has opted not to which isn’t a problem to me.

However this Christmas will be the first with our DH who was born in March. I am adamant that Christmas will be spent at my Mum’s around my family rather than his. I have said that I am happy to take our DS over to MIL’s (which is a 40 min drive) Christmas afternoon for a couple of hours and come back again. I have asked DP to spend Christmas with us but he says he’s ’not committing to anything’

for context I could count on one hand the amount of times MIL has seen DS. When we do see her she often complains about the journey (if she’s come to us) although she drives to holiday destinations in the UK frequently. She is also quite nasty to DP, the last time we saw her I had to intervene as he doesn’t stand up to her and I couldn’t listen to it anymore. DS hardly knows her and will cry if she holds him as he sees her as a stranger. She also frequently asks him for money or favours that involve money (eg getting her house redecorated) although she is not hard up herself. In contrast my Mum sees DS at least once a week and has had him overnight a number of times. She brings us food and is generally just there for us. My aunts and cousins also visit regularly. I feel sorry for DP as he knows his family are not great so I try to not make a big deal out of it as I would hate it if the shoe was on the other foot.

however I feel that in the long run my family will have much more to do with DS than his, out of their own doing. I do feel somewhat offended by it but it is what it is.

is it unreasonable to insist that DS and I are spending Christmas with my Mum and that we would like DP to be with us?

OP posts:
CanIBeHonest · 15/10/2024 22:37

YANBU you can't get all the best bits of babies/kids like Xmas day and birthdays without putting some of the graft to earn it.

If his mum was involved and very interested/present I'd say it should be equal. But she's not out in the time so she doesn't get the reward like your mum will be.

Does she bother with her daughter's kids?

Does your DP acknowledge the work your mum puts in compared to his? If so he should understand why your mum will take priority.

BrucesTooth · 15/10/2024 22:39

This just reads a "my family are best, and they way they do Christmas is best, therefore that's what should happen" that doesn't sound like a fair way to doing things. Why do you get to "insist"?
While each going to your own made sense before, maybe now you either do am at one, pm at another, or alternate years on and the other for Xmas and swap for boxing day. Or start a new tradition of being at home and hosting visitors.

Original poster
FTMaz · 15/10/2024 22:43

CanIBeHonest · 15/10/2024 22:37

YANBU you can't get all the best bits of babies/kids like Xmas day and birthdays without putting some of the graft to earn it.

If his mum was involved and very interested/present I'd say it should be equal. But she's not out in the time so she doesn't get the reward like your mum will be.

Does she bother with her daughter's kids?

Does your DP acknowledge the work your mum puts in compared to his? If so he should understand why your mum will take priority.

Hi
thanks for the reply..this is how I saw it too like they kind of don’t reserve to spend Xmas when DS..although I don’t feel comfortable wording it like that!

yes he gets on with my Mum and always says how great she is. I am of course mindful not to compare but I’m sure he privately feels pretty let down by his Mum. And yes she has plenty to do with his sisters kids which again makes him feel pretty shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
FTMaz · 15/10/2024 22:44

BrucesTooth · 15/10/2024 22:39

This just reads a "my family are best, and they way they do Christmas is best, therefore that's what should happen" that doesn't sound like a fair way to doing things. Why do you get to "insist"?
While each going to your own made sense before, maybe now you either do am at one, pm at another, or alternate years on and the other for Xmas and swap for boxing day. Or start a new tradition of being at home and hosting visitors.

Correct they are the best 😂

we host Xmas eve and invite both families but last year no one from his side came. I floated the idea of Xmas day but my family don’t want to spend it away from my Mums which is fair enough.

OP posts:
LetThereBeLove · 15/10/2024 22:46

BrucesTooth · 15/10/2024 22:39

This just reads a "my family are best, and they way they do Christmas is best, therefore that's what should happen" that doesn't sound like a fair way to doing things. Why do you get to "insist"?
While each going to your own made sense before, maybe now you either do am at one, pm at another, or alternate years on and the other for Xmas and swap for boxing day. Or start a new tradition of being at home and hosting visitors.

That was my reading of the OP too. If you want MIL to have a relationship with your baby then there has to be some give and take on everyone's part including at Christmas. As a grandmother myself I wish DD and my grandchildren would spend just one Xmas Day in their own home so we can visit instead of every single year them going to the in-laws for a huge family Xmas.

BananaNirvana · 15/10/2024 22:47

I think the fair way is to take it in turns - I see this so often with mums insisting they have to spend Christmas with their family and the dad’s family don’t get a look in. Not cool.

Original poster
FTMaz · 15/10/2024 22:48

BananaNirvana · 15/10/2024 22:47

I think the fair way is to take it in turns - I see this so often with mums insisting they have to spend Christmas with their family and the dad’s family don’t get a look in. Not cool.

do you think it’s unfair even though dads family makes very little effort? Not being funny..genuine question.

OP posts:
Original poster
FTMaz · 15/10/2024 22:49

LetThereBeLove · 15/10/2024 22:46

That was my reading of the OP too. If you want MIL to have a relationship with your baby then there has to be some give and take on everyone's part including at Christmas. As a grandmother myself I wish DD and my grandchildren would spend just one Xmas Day in their own home so we can visit instead of every single year them going to the in-laws for a huge family Xmas.

Show quote history

I think the difference is..maybe, you seem like you take an interest in your grandchild/children whereas my MIL doesn’t..does that make a difference?

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 15/10/2024 22:51

Perhaps your dp wants to spend Christmas Day just with his 'wife' and new baby.

I could well understand his reluctance to go to your family. Perhaps in having a baby, he was hoping to create a family of his own. To relax in his own home.

Surely at Christmas, you put your life partner first?

GettingStuffed · 15/10/2024 22:52

When we got married rather than do alternate years we'd have both lots of family come to us. Our families however got on very well . I'm not sure if this would work for you but it would stop the argument.

Original poster
FTMaz · 15/10/2024 22:52

Meadowfinch · 15/10/2024 22:51

Perhaps your dp wants to spend Christmas Day just with his 'wife' and new baby.

I could well understand his reluctance to go to your family. Perhaps in having a baby, he was hoping to create a family of his own. To relax in his own home.

Surely at Christmas, you put your life partner first?

I think that’s a really fair point. I just see Christmas as a big, exciting time and absolutely loved it as a kid with so many people, I would really like my DS to have the same experience?

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 15/10/2024 22:55

If it was family top trumps you’d win. But life isn’t that simple and you need to consider your husband’s feelings and preferences.

JulianFawcettMP · 15/10/2024 22:55

Thing is, not everything is about you.

Original poster
FTMaz · 15/10/2024 22:55

GettingStuffed · 15/10/2024 22:52

When we got married rather than do alternate years we'd have both lots of family come to us. Our families however got on very well . I'm not sure if this would work for you but it would stop the argument.

Hi
we have done Xmas eve and invited both families but only mine showed up last year. I did float the idea of hosting Xmas at ours but my family didn’t want it away from my mum’s so he didn’t ask his.

OP posts:
Original poster
FTMaz · 15/10/2024 22:56

JulianFawcettMP · 15/10/2024 22:55

Thing is, not everything is about you.

Correct it’s about my son 😀

OP posts:
Bellaboot · 15/10/2024 22:56

I agree with you OP. My in-laws did fuck all to help when the kids were young (they actually refused to have them for a night ever) and sadly my amazing parents live on the other side of the world so we have spent large majority of Xmas's with in-laws who never bought a single toy for them, just gave us money to buy their gifts. Made absolutely zero effort with everything.

Go to your family who make the effort.

JulianFawcettMP · 15/10/2024 22:59

Your post doesn't come across on any other way than about you

Grepes · 15/10/2024 23:00

But, your idea of exciting isn’t the same for everyone. Some people like that, some don’t. It doesn’t mean anyone’s is better or worse. Why don’t you have one at your family, next year at his family, next year just the three of you? You need to compromise in a relationship, especially with children. Model the attitude you’d like them to have even though not everything will be to your taste.

I say this as a person who is in the same boat - I love my family fun Christmas (they are my family we laugh, have fun and I feel so comfortable), in-laws are lovely but it’s not the same as I didn’t grow up there (obviously they are my husband’s family and he is relaxed - although he’s equally relaxed at mine), and the Christmas’s we have had in our own are lovely, we make new traditions and it’s a different kind of Christmas (not better or worse).

Original poster
FTMaz · 15/10/2024 23:01

JulianFawcettMP · 15/10/2024 22:59

Your post doesn't come across on any other way than about you

Okay 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Ella31 · 15/10/2024 23:02

FTMaz · 15/10/2024 22:56

Correct it’s about my son 😀

Show quote history

Well then...you have to take his father's family into account

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/10/2024 23:02

YANBU. And bad parents tend to make bad grandparents. If she can’t be decent to her son and shows little interest in your baby then don’t put yourself out for her. It’s not good for DS to see anyone being a dick to his dad, which he’ll start to notice in time.

Grepes · 15/10/2024 23:03

Just to add, how would you feel if your son and his family spent every Christmas with his partner’s family? Again, model the behaviour you want your child to aspire to - compromise, compassion, etc. Even if it’s not exactly what you want.

Original poster
FTMaz · 15/10/2024 23:03

Grepes · 15/10/2024 23:00

But, your idea of exciting isn’t the same for everyone. Some people like that, some don’t. It doesn’t mean anyone’s is better or worse. Why don’t you have one at your family, next year at his family, next year just the three of you? You need to compromise in a relationship, especially with children. Model the attitude you’d like them to have even though not everything will be to your taste.

I say this as a person who is in the same boat - I love my family fun Christmas (they are my family we laugh, have fun and I feel so comfortable), in-laws are lovely but it’s not the same as I didn’t grow up there (obviously they are my husband’s family and he is relaxed - although he’s equally relaxed at mine), and the Christmas’s we have had in our own are lovely, we make new traditions and it’s a different kind of Christmas (not better or worse).

Hi
yes I can totally see that, thanks for the advice 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
FTMaz · 15/10/2024 23:04

Grepes · 15/10/2024 23:03

Just to add, how would you feel if your son and his family spent every Christmas with his partner’s family? Again, model the behaviour you want your child to aspire to - compromise, compassion, etc. Even if it’s not exactly what you want.

I would obviously be upset but I would hope that I would be a grandparent who made an effort with my grandchild and didn’t put my son down at any given opportunity 😖

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 15/10/2024 23:05

You and your partner should be spending all of Christmas with your child.

you will need to find a balance between just your little family and seeing both sets of extended family. Just because his family sucks doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them and want to see them at Christmas . My family is awful and DH’s family is wonderful. I wish his parents were my parents. My family still gets worked into the Christmas/greater holiday rotation.