Wanting DS to spend Christmas with my family

[FTMaz]

Hi everyone

interested to know people’s thoughts on this as I do have a tendency to be pretty stubborn 😂

me and DP have been together for 5 years. I have a large extended family who are all close. Christmas is a big deal in my family and we go all out historically at my Nan’s house but since her passing at my Mum’s. Christmas is a very special time for me for a number of reason I won’t go into on here.

DP has a very different family dynamic. He has never spent it with extended family as they are not close. He has a strained relationship with his Mum for again a number of reasons that I won’t go into detail about. He has a sister who is married with 2 kids and they spend Christmas together, DP, his mum (who I will refer to as MIL for ease) sister and kids.

Historically we have spent Christmas morning together and then gone our separate ways for Christmas Day - may seem odd to some, he has always been invited to spend it at my Mum’s but he has opted not to which isn’t a problem to me.

However this Christmas will be the first with our DH who was born in March. I am adamant that Christmas will be spent at my Mum’s around my family rather than his. I have said that I am happy to take our DS over to MIL’s (which is a 40 min drive) Christmas afternoon for a couple of hours and come back again. I have asked DP to spend Christmas with us but he says he’s ’not committing to anything’

for context I could count on one hand the amount of times MIL has seen DS. When we do see her she often complains about the journey (if she’s come to us) although she drives to holiday destinations in the UK frequently. She is also quite nasty to DP, the last time we saw her I had to intervene as he doesn’t stand up to her and I couldn’t listen to it anymore. DS hardly knows her and will cry if she holds him as he sees her as a stranger. She also frequently asks him for money or favours that involve money (eg getting her house redecorated) although she is not hard up herself. In contrast my Mum sees DS at least once a week and has had him overnight a number of times. She brings us food and is generally just there for us. My aunts and cousins also visit regularly. I feel sorry for DP as he knows his family are not great so I try to not make a big deal out of it as I would hate it if the shoe was on the other foot.

however I feel that in the long run my family will have much more to do with DS than his, out of their own doing. I do feel somewhat offended by it but it is what it is.

is it unreasonable to insist that DS and I are spending Christmas with my Mum and that we would like DP to be with us?

He’s obviously a baby at the moment but he was there the whole time she was being vile to him which I also didn’t like.

I don't get on well with my parents and they live quite a distance so to be there for Christmas we're down for a few days.

We alternated for years both before we we had kids and until youngest was 3. After that we arranged to see them in December but not the big week. But that was driven by me.

I think you should alternate so you're not split up for Christmas day especially if you have people round on Xmas eve.

If there comes a point he sees his mum for who she is, hopefully he'll distance then.

And if his mum continues to be vile you can refuse to be around her, but you can't stop him bringing DC.

Yes I do take an interest in my DGS but your DS is still a baby so all I'm saying is give her a chance x

YANBU

I'd just go to your Mum's with your DS as usual. I wouldn't be making the effort to travel on Christmas Day so your MIL can see DS either. Why spoil the day doing that when his family make no effort the rest of the year?

It would be nice if your DP came with you to your Mum's and I'd be a bit annoyed if he didn't, but I'd not be forcing him. Your DP sounds unbothered by the whole thing with his attitude, no doubt due to his shitty family upbringing.

Just carry on bringing your DS up with the healthy family dynamics of your side of the family.

It's not up to you to facilitate your DP's family seeing your DS.

I would never stop him taking DS to see his Mum my only concern as a PP said is if she continues to be mean to him I don’t think it’s good for my DS to see that as he gets older.

Well this is my thinking but by the replies I’m not sure I am being reasonable!

he is unbothered yes because he’s largely just had a bit of a crappy time around Xmas.

I'm afraid I still think it's unfair to have every Christmas with your family, even if you feel your in laws make no effort.
Grandparents aren't around for ever. And I think your DS should have both parents there on Christmas day (unless you ever split up).

And don't try to invite both 'sides' at the same time, that's the worst of all worlds.

The thing with MN is, you always get people saying that we should suffer toxic inlaws because it's Christmas. It's ridiculous. In my view, Christmas should be spent in an environment that you're happy, not somewhere where you're anxious, uncomfortable and witnessing toxic behaviour. Honestly, you're not BU, don't put yourself through having a crappy Christmas just because some strangers on MN guilt trip you into it.

Who won’t be aware of or remember this year

You'll possibly need to split it so I suggest going to his family this year as baby is too young to know.

I say this but I never went to the in-laws for Christmas because they were bloody horrible and luckily didn't like Christmas. We would pop into them for a few hours on Christmas morning before heading to my family for the big event.

You think 9 months old aren’t aware of who they are around?

OP, I do sympathise.

But for whatever reason, through thick and thin, your DH has remained committed to his family at Christmas, despite their lamentable dynamic.

Maybe he is trauma bonded to his sister, maybe he feels that if he doesn’t go he will lose the last point of contact with them and is too insecure to face that. Who knows: not me.

Meanwhile you have security and unconditional love within your family.

I don’t know what will be the best resolution of this but I think you need to make more space for communication with your DP over the wider and more nuanced context of all this.

Obviously, in the moment.

But they have no concept of Christmas as an event.

Not really. They aren't forming memories at this stage and they don't care about much other than food, comfort and stimulation. Obviously they form bonds with people, but it's unlikely that any outside of the immediate family are making much of a lasting impact. Baby won't remember Christmas for a good few years yet.

Your desire to be with your family for Christmas and for your son to experience your family Christmases is completely reasonable. Placing that desire of yours above all else is not.

If you actually think of your DP as your partner and the three of you as a family, you do need to approach this as a conversation and joint decision where you're each talking about what's important to you, placing real import on the other being happy with the plans, and valuing time together most of all. That's almost certainly going to mean you discuss alternating years, tradeoffs with other holidays, etc.

If you present this as "I'm taking our baby to my family for Christmas because that's who and what I care about, you can come or not" then frankly I would anticipate that you'll be discussing custody schedules around holidays in the not too distant future.

It's not clear from your posts what your DP actually wants to do. Does he want you and DS to spend Christmas with his family? Does he want to go to his family and take DS with him while you go to your family? Is he happy for you to take DS to your family Christmas but he'll still go to his?

I agree. A lot of PPs telling OP she should be fair, are missing the point that MIL doesn't bother with her grandchild and treats her son appallingly. Yet it's supposedly right to impose this awful woman on OP, her DP and her DC to be "kind" to the unkind person.

If your partner wants to spend it just the 3 of you, it would be kind to take that into account and maybe do Christmas day at your mum's every other year, alternating with home (and you could see your family on Xmas Eve/boxing day still as it sounds like you're nearby?) For people with strained family relationships it can be really tough to be around close extended families - even if they invite you and care about you.

If your partner wants you all to spend it with his mum and sister, i would be less inclined because it sounds like that's unpleasant for the 3 of you. It depends a bit just how awful your MIL is though, and whether your partner actually wants to go or just feels pressure/guilt. I don't think you can just overrule what your partner wants, even if it means a less fun time for you. Mentally reframe it as something you do for him, not for MIL. But first find out what he actually wants to do.

Baby’s first Christmas at home just the 3 of you.

Subsequent years, alternate.

Your family refusing to come to you when you have a newborn - 1 year old would annoy me. If they can’t be bothered to come down why should you with an infant?

Strikes me that neither of you act as a family unit.

Theres a lot of ‘I’ in your posts.

And your DH seems unable to grasp that you’ve become a family of three so shocker be an option ‘not to commit’

Time to let go of what you used to do before and draw up new traditions for your own family.

I don't think I agree with your central premise that your family have "earned" Christmas by being more present in your lives. It's not a prize that's up for grabs to the finest family, which is a bit how you make it sound. Set aside that line of thought.
Ultimately you and your DP have an equal say in what you do for Christmas, you might not like his family but if he wants to spend it with them I think you need to accept that.
Tbh it sounds like your DP finds your family Christmas hard work, which is understandable if he's from a small, quiet family and yours is big and full on.

I think the priority should be your immediate family unit- you, husband and baby. I can't imagine not spending the day with my husband. Then, to agree between you where you want to spend your time - whether that's visiting both in one day, alternative years or seeing one family on a different day. But I don't think it's fair to just be adamant that you and your child do what you want and ignore what your partner wants- not for your mil sake but for your partner.

I think this rather misrepresents what the OP has said. Her DP's family isn't so much "small and quiet" as it is "distant, strained and outright unpleasant at times".

I also think extended families do have the ability/right to "earn" priority on special occasions.

If one side of the family is consistently present, engaged, supportive and loving, and the other side of the family is consistently absent, disengaged, unsupportive and unloving, it is kind of bizarre and unfair to think that you can't possibly play favourites, and you have to divide your presence on special occasions strictly down the middle, even with people who can't really be fucked to go to any trouble for you.