Wanting DS to spend Christmas with my family

[FTMaz]

Hi everyone

interested to know people’s thoughts on this as I do have a tendency to be pretty stubborn 😂

me and DP have been together for 5 years. I have a large extended family who are all close. Christmas is a big deal in my family and we go all out historically at my Nan’s house but since her passing at my Mum’s. Christmas is a very special time for me for a number of reason I won’t go into on here.

DP has a very different family dynamic. He has never spent it with extended family as they are not close. He has a strained relationship with his Mum for again a number of reasons that I won’t go into detail about. He has a sister who is married with 2 kids and they spend Christmas together, DP, his mum (who I will refer to as MIL for ease) sister and kids.

Historically we have spent Christmas morning together and then gone our separate ways for Christmas Day - may seem odd to some, he has always been invited to spend it at my Mum’s but he has opted not to which isn’t a problem to me.

However this Christmas will be the first with our DH who was born in March. I am adamant that Christmas will be spent at my Mum’s around my family rather than his. I have said that I am happy to take our DS over to MIL’s (which is a 40 min drive) Christmas afternoon for a couple of hours and come back again. I have asked DP to spend Christmas with us but he says he’s ’not committing to anything’

for context I could count on one hand the amount of times MIL has seen DS. When we do see her she often complains about the journey (if she’s come to us) although she drives to holiday destinations in the UK frequently. She is also quite nasty to DP, the last time we saw her I had to intervene as he doesn’t stand up to her and I couldn’t listen to it anymore. DS hardly knows her and will cry if she holds him as he sees her as a stranger. She also frequently asks him for money or favours that involve money (eg getting her house redecorated) although she is not hard up herself. In contrast my Mum sees DS at least once a week and has had him overnight a number of times. She brings us food and is generally just there for us. My aunts and cousins also visit regularly. I feel sorry for DP as he knows his family are not great so I try to not make a big deal out of it as I would hate it if the shoe was on the other foot.

however I feel that in the long run my family will have much more to do with DS than his, out of their own doing. I do feel somewhat offended by it but it is what it is.

is it unreasonable to insist that DS and I are spending Christmas with my Mum and that we would like DP to be with us?

However this Christmas will be the first with our DH who was born in March. I am adamant that Christmas will be spent at my Mum’s around my family rather than his. I have said that I am happy to take our DS over to MIL’s (which is a 40 min drive) Christmas afternoon for a couple of hours and come back again. I have asked DP to spend Christmas with us but he says he’s ’not committing to anything’

While you were busy 'saying' and being adamant, did you give DP any chance to talk about what he'd like? Or was it 'this is what's happening' so how are you going to deal with it?

It certainly sounds like you presented it as a fait accompli.

I'm not saying you have to consider his family equally to yours, you've explained the differences between them. Rather I think that now you have DC it would be to everyone's benefit if you tried to understand DP's family and why he still maintains contact despite his mother's treatment of him. He may be in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt); he may be clinging on to the hope that one day she'll change and start being nice - and what a mother should be - to him. That's not at all unusual for someone who is their parents' black sheep while another sibling is the golden child. There may be other reasons.

But try to understand him. Just saying that your family is better doesn't do anything to help him. He doesn't really understand your family set up any more than you do his, and he may find it all overwhelming. And please don't take the view that you're doing your usual and he does whatever. Being faced with the alternatives of Christmas on his own or with his mother seems pretty miserable. He's your family now too.

"is it unreasonable to insist that DS and I are spending Christmas with my Mum and that we would like DP to be with us?"

You don't get to insist anything when you are in a healthy respectful relationship. It's very controlling. Your language is very much "I come from the best family so I am in charge of our family now". You seem so distracted by your MIL that you are overlooking your husband. Your husband may well have a toxic mother who is mean and controls him, yet he sees some value in the relationship because he keeps in touch.
Instead of insisting (controlling), find a way to communicate and compromise. Your husband has an equal say in how your son spends his time.

I do agree with others, you can't dismiss what your partner wants to do at Christmas, so either having it as the 3 of you or alternating years would be the fairest.

I would also be a little annoyed at your perfect family, who won't even entertain the idea of coming to you even though you have a baby. That probably would have been the better solution.

Just don't rule out your partners feelings, because if you split up over something like this in the long run - you'll end up not seeing your child at all every other Christmas, as it will be shared between you both.

You have your own family unit now. You don’t get to dictate what happens. Surely you’ll be wow ding Christmas together now you have a child,l so they get to have Christmas with their parents? It wouldn’t be putting your baby first otherwise. So you need to sit down and decide together, taking into account what you both want to do. It wouldn’t be fair to go to your family every year and cut out your DPs family when he wants to go there, the fairest way would be to alternate every year, or just have Christmas by yourselves and go visit family on the other days.

Yes I do. I still think you should split the time. Family dynamics are so complicated and I think things like this are a quick win. We’ve always taken it in turns with family so everyone feels included.

Have you asked him what he would like? There’s a lot of what you want, what you like, what you prefer… you’re a family it has to work for all of you

It’s not fair that you get to decide how to spend every Christmas. Alternate, on his years he may decide to stay home as a small family or to visit his and both are fine but it’s his choice.

Just do turns with family like everyone else

It sounds like your dp would struggle to tell his mother he isn’t coming? If you have never spent Christmas together before this will be the reason. Maybe he is expected to be there?

We have always alternated Christmases to make it fair, you should do the same.

@FTMaz I understand your pain with Xmas as my DH'S family aren't nice and sadly he's used to it. Have you asked Dh what he wants to do? Could you do a new tradition so say Xmas eve just the 3 of you, Xmas day your family and boxing day his? Or his family Xmas eve and just you 3 boxing day. Maybe he finds it overwhelming with a big family day but if you made a new tradition that 1 day was just for the 3 of you and also included a day with just his family you would all win. Good luck as to me you don't want to dread Xmas every year of where you're going to end up.

Also you could just be honest and you say this way everyone gets a full day rather than a couple of hours

Family dynamics are wildly different, because MIL is not the same as your DM does not entitle them to every Christmas. DS is BOTH of your child so irregardless of everyone else your DH has just as much of a say as you.

Compromises could be go to 1 in the morning and 1 in the afternoon, alternate each year and see the others on boxing day, or host everyone at yours.

The competitive 'my family I'd better than yours' is not that pretty to read tbh, my DHs family are more involved in day to day than mine for various reasons but my family is Still important to me at Christmas!

Where have you written what his ideas are about Christmas day? You can't just demand what you think is right. What are you over all plans over the few says? As he's said he can't commit , that sounds like he feels strongly about it. Think you need more discussion and to be more open minded.

I'm going against the grain because I don't think it's a good idea to get into any rigid schedule of turn taking at Christmas. Take each year as it comes, there will be a lot of change as your child gets older, starts school etc. and it's easier if you can do what makes most sense each year. Some years you might want something more quiet other years you might be up for something bigger.

Also family is family all year round. Spending time on a specific date of the year doesn't make it superior to quality time any other day of the year.

Take turns and think about what your DP wants for his family too. Come to a compromise where you both do something for each other. Christmas is an important time for most families in the UK. It is quite childish to assert that your family does Christmas 'better'

I found the best way to go about it was to introduce my DH's family to my favourite traditions and involve them and I picked up some new ones from them.

Your DS is 50% his dad and family, he may not love big Christmases either.

Time for your family to build your own traditions.

Why not spend Xmas Eve with just his family, rather than inviting yours as well, given that you'll be seeing them on Xmas Day.

I think there is something you are not considering which is that your DP is scared to tell his family that he is spending it with his partner and child. Do you think he has FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) where his Mum is concerned? ie he spends time with her because he fears her reaction if he doesn't rather than he enjoys her company.

This issue should have been addressed last year when you were pregnant and Christmas was coming up. It is unusual for a couple with a child to spend it separately. I would look into the whole FOG possibility.

And yes, speaking as someone who watched their paternal grandparent make vile digs at their parent it isn't a nice thing to witness so going forward that is something to consider too.

@WhatNoRaisins
I completely agree. I don't think we've ever had two Christmas days the same and yet we always have a great time. Christmas is definitely a season for us not just one day, get togethers on other days are no less fun and enjoyable.

is it unreasonable to insist that DS and I are spending Christmas with my Mum and that we would like DP to be with us?

So you would prefer for your son to see your mum over his own father?

Of course it’s not on for you to insist anything. The baby isn’t a thing owned by you, it’s a living child with two parents.

You’re going to face a lot of issues over the years if you’re starting off like this.

Whomis a baby and so you're speaking for him????

A 9 month old will not remember their first Christmas.

Clearly 'who is' (not 'whom is' 🫣).
Typo, apologies.

…who has absolutely no idea what Christmas is. It’s definitely about you. All you.

You're a family. Alternate between the 2 families. Or even one year at your mums one at his, one at home with people coming to you. Just because you like Christmas your way doesn't mean you get to dictate every year.

This year I'd be magnanimous and go to his mum. Baby's first Christmas yes but it will be better for your mum next year when he's mobile. Or fine to say you're doing first Christmas at your mums with his dad .

I wouldn't start making a rod for your own back driving 80 mins there and back on Christmas day.

We had a similar situation to you op and my DH actually made the decision that he didn’t want his DS to have the same horrible relationship with his DM and he wanted us all to be at my parents for Christmas. As the years went on we alternated with us being at home and my DM’s.