Wanting DS to spend Christmas with my family

[FTMaz]

Hi everyone

interested to know people’s thoughts on this as I do have a tendency to be pretty stubborn 😂

me and DP have been together for 5 years. I have a large extended family who are all close. Christmas is a big deal in my family and we go all out historically at my Nan’s house but since her passing at my Mum’s. Christmas is a very special time for me for a number of reason I won’t go into on here.

DP has a very different family dynamic. He has never spent it with extended family as they are not close. He has a strained relationship with his Mum for again a number of reasons that I won’t go into detail about. He has a sister who is married with 2 kids and they spend Christmas together, DP, his mum (who I will refer to as MIL for ease) sister and kids.

Historically we have spent Christmas morning together and then gone our separate ways for Christmas Day - may seem odd to some, he has always been invited to spend it at my Mum’s but he has opted not to which isn’t a problem to me.

However this Christmas will be the first with our DH who was born in March. I am adamant that Christmas will be spent at my Mum’s around my family rather than his. I have said that I am happy to take our DS over to MIL’s (which is a 40 min drive) Christmas afternoon for a couple of hours and come back again. I have asked DP to spend Christmas with us but he says he’s ’not committing to anything’

for context I could count on one hand the amount of times MIL has seen DS. When we do see her she often complains about the journey (if she’s come to us) although she drives to holiday destinations in the UK frequently. She is also quite nasty to DP, the last time we saw her I had to intervene as he doesn’t stand up to her and I couldn’t listen to it anymore. DS hardly knows her and will cry if she holds him as he sees her as a stranger. She also frequently asks him for money or favours that involve money (eg getting her house redecorated) although she is not hard up herself. In contrast my Mum sees DS at least once a week and has had him overnight a number of times. She brings us food and is generally just there for us. My aunts and cousins also visit regularly. I feel sorry for DP as he knows his family are not great so I try to not make a big deal out of it as I would hate it if the shoe was on the other foot.

however I feel that in the long run my family will have much more to do with DS than his, out of their own doing. I do feel somewhat offended by it but it is what it is.

is it unreasonable to insist that DS and I are spending Christmas with my Mum and that we would like DP to be with us?

Thanks for your advice, I do agree that the 3 of us should be priority.

They may not be your family , but they are your child's family.
You don't get to dismiss them, he can do that one day if he wants ,so until then work at it for your child.

I feel this is a bit sad OP. I don’t get a shred of a feeling that you’re interested in spending Christmas with your DP, and maybe not him with you either, it’s hard to tell. My family/IL set up is not dissimilar to yours so I understand you favouring spending time with your extended family.
But I think you should sit down with your DP when you’ve had a long think about your priorities and can declare honestly that your priority is for the 3 of you to be together at Christmas and take it from there. If you can’t get to that point then your long term future together is possibly uncertain anyway. In my opinion not enough people prioritise their spouse/dp and then wonder why their relationship is fracturing.

My solution would be to spend Christmas with your family and he with his. This seems to have worked well and you were both happy with this. Once DS is a little older he can alternate Christmas coming with you one year and going with his father the next year. I would however have a chat with your partner. He might be resigned to the behaviour from his family but having his child there will hopefully open his eyes to what is ok and not ok and I don't just mean at Christmas.

Yep. Ex and I used to alternate it. 🙂

Im your partner in my relationship - I don’t do Xmas with my Mum for a variety of reasons but we visit afterwards when things are less…emotionally charged.

I also don’t want to go to my partner’s family every year. I want to stay in my lovely house, have a lie in, have my mates round and do Xmas my way. We compromise and alternate between his family and staying home because that’s fair - maybe your partner would like a similar arrangement?

His family do sound like pretty shit grandparents though. They contribute nothing throughout the year and hardly ever see their grandson. It would be a bit cheeky to expect to come first on special occasions such as Christmas Day.

Perhaps she feels like she's intruding/unwelcome. Your past may have been great family times, hers may not have been leaving her feeling like she's intruding even if invited.

Hi all,

again thank you to those who offered genuine advice and thoughts to consider without being mean or berating me for actually liking my family….

I have had a chat with my DP this evening and told him that he and DS are my priority but also how I feel about spending Xmas with my mum. He said he really doesn’t know what to do. I asked him if he wanted it to just be the 3 of us and he said he wanted our DS to be around family too not just us. I offered up the idea of hosting Boxing Day for his family only which he seemed to think was a good idea (although I didn’t say this to him but I’m not confident they would make the effort to come). We have agreed to have another chat over the weekend and sort it out so I think that’s productive.

It was in OP’s message earlier:
“I have said my Mum would love him to spend Xmas at hers but it’s his call. He has been invited every year, I have never been invited to spend it with his family.”

It could be that it’s a default invitation to both of them and it’s a misunderstanding but that’s not how it works in some families and it’s clear OP doesn’t feel welcome.

Sounds positive! There are compromises to be found if you work together on this.

Family I'd about compromise, this year your family next year his then maybe one at home where you invite who you want.

I couldn't think of anything worse than spending Christmas day with your mother-in-law and it doesn't sound as though your boyfriend actually enjoys it either. Personally I would just keep going to my own family and do what you doing in normal years.

I have had a chat with my DP this evening and told him that he and DS are my priority but also how I feel about spending Xmas with my mum.

OK so when you were talking to him you had to qualify it - you couldn't just stop at the three of you being priority, you had to introduce the 'but...'.

This sounds on a par with the 'sorry, not sorry' apology people give. Say the words but don't mean them.

So now maybe he doesn't feel that he can say yes, he would like it just to be the three of you because you've made it clear that you don't.

Oh seriously 🙄

I have nothing to apologise for…I’m entitled to express my preference as much as he is his. It seems you just enjoy being a critic.

It's not exactly the same but I know my ex would rather we didn't see my side on xmas day (we do shared xmas still). He thinks they are not as caring, they're hard work, cook bad food. All of that is true. There is also a very serious history of alcoholism and terrible behaviour that had a huge impact on me. And his family are much more pleasant in many ways.

BUT I still want to see them at Xmas. And I want my kids to have some sort of meaningful relationship with them. They're not terrible like they used to be - their behaviour is passable now. I don't think you write off your own family in the same way as you write off other people's families. It's a complicated feeling but while I know objectively they're a bit shit, they're mine and I've got love for them. I also hold out hope for the future that they might be inspired to change.

This is said in the view that his mum won't be actually horrible to you or DC. That's different.

I think the three of you together should absolutely be the priority now regardless of who else is there. Quite frankly I find it a little odd that any new parents would choose to spend Xmas apart from their child.

It's unfair to expect him to spend every Xmas with your family so alternating might be a solution. Having said that, there's something lovely about Xmas at home once children arrive, and building up your new family traditions ready for when they're old enough to "get" Xmas.

Take turns - one year have Christmas like you want it the next year do what your partner wants. That’s fair xx

I'd offer going to your parents and then dropping into his parents in the afternoon or Boxing Day with his parents

Just for ease we’ve always alternated it every year, my partners family are much more involved as they live around the corner and therefore see our little ones more, but my mum, who tbh is a huge drama queen makes such a big deal over us all being there (I have siblings, partner does not) that even though they only see DC’s a fee times a year, to stop arguments we said we’d do one year Xmas Eve/Xmas day with my family, and the next with his, them we go to the other family on Boxing Day/27th. Might not work for you, but it saved the arguments of “who does more” “who deserves it more” etc.

You sound quite selfish tbh. You need to take into account what your DP wants to do, and despite what you think about this family if he still wants to spend Christmas with them then that’s up to him and you need to respect that. Either you take it in turns all 3 of you, one year you do what you want, the next what he wants or if you are still unprepared to comprise and take your DPs desires on board then you keep going to parents separately and your DS alternates going with you one year and then your DP next.

my exHs family did more for my DCs than my family but that didn’t entitle them to be the priority for Christmas Day, I still wanted to see my own family on Christmas Day so we took turns

Sorry but unless your family are traveling to you, you can't expect your IL's to travel to you. You need to do the traveling this year!

This assumes both families are civil. If one isn’t a forced visit turns Christmas into a time of stress. We have inlaws (with a live in SIL) who are extremely difficult and DC now get tearful when visits are brought up. It is really awful and they hardly have any contact the rest of the year.

You can create your own excitement. Ultimately.

DP has been henpecked by his mother for years, maybe, this is the first year where he doesn't feel the pressure because he just wants to be with his son, so maybe his non committal response is due to that? Or perhaps he doesn't want to have to choose? His mother/your mother, easier last year because baby wasn't involved. Maybe he's anxious about deciding? And maybe there needs to be a compromise for all?

Yes. His mum isn't making much effort but, don't deny your son either.

Ultimately.

Can you not remind him how you had to intervene the last time and ask him why he wants his child to be around that?