Wanting DS to spend Christmas with my family

[FTMaz]

Hi everyone

interested to know people’s thoughts on this as I do have a tendency to be pretty stubborn 😂

me and DP have been together for 5 years. I have a large extended family who are all close. Christmas is a big deal in my family and we go all out historically at my Nan’s house but since her passing at my Mum’s. Christmas is a very special time for me for a number of reason I won’t go into on here.

DP has a very different family dynamic. He has never spent it with extended family as they are not close. He has a strained relationship with his Mum for again a number of reasons that I won’t go into detail about. He has a sister who is married with 2 kids and they spend Christmas together, DP, his mum (who I will refer to as MIL for ease) sister and kids.

Historically we have spent Christmas morning together and then gone our separate ways for Christmas Day - may seem odd to some, he has always been invited to spend it at my Mum’s but he has opted not to which isn’t a problem to me.

However this Christmas will be the first with our DH who was born in March. I am adamant that Christmas will be spent at my Mum’s around my family rather than his. I have said that I am happy to take our DS over to MIL’s (which is a 40 min drive) Christmas afternoon for a couple of hours and come back again. I have asked DP to spend Christmas with us but he says he’s ’not committing to anything’

for context I could count on one hand the amount of times MIL has seen DS. When we do see her she often complains about the journey (if she’s come to us) although she drives to holiday destinations in the UK frequently. She is also quite nasty to DP, the last time we saw her I had to intervene as he doesn’t stand up to her and I couldn’t listen to it anymore. DS hardly knows her and will cry if she holds him as he sees her as a stranger. She also frequently asks him for money or favours that involve money (eg getting her house redecorated) although she is not hard up herself. In contrast my Mum sees DS at least once a week and has had him overnight a number of times. She brings us food and is generally just there for us. My aunts and cousins also visit regularly. I feel sorry for DP as he knows his family are not great so I try to not make a big deal out of it as I would hate it if the shoe was on the other foot.

however I feel that in the long run my family will have much more to do with DS than his, out of their own doing. I do feel somewhat offended by it but it is what it is.

is it unreasonable to insist that DS and I are spending Christmas with my Mum and that we would like DP to be with us?

I have sympathy for your position OP but I do agree with PP that you are coming across as very inflexible in this regard. Where are your DPs sister/kids in this story? Are they a similar age to your child and are you looking to cultivate that relationship as your DS grows? Can you see a benefit in spending time with them over Christmas (not necessarily this year but some years) and not focus it on the MIL as much? Aunt/uncle/cousin relationships can be beautiful things if they are invested in, and are often less fraught than grandparent ones because the expectations are different.

Yes, of course it’s ‘fair’. It’s not pay per view for babies. Your DH’s family are his family. However incomprehensible their family dynamics are to you, he wants to spend time with them, not yours, at Christmas. I think it’s concerning that you seem to view yourself and your baby as an indivisible unit, and to have decided unilaterally that you and the baby are spending Christmas at your parents. Your DH deserves a say too, regardless of whether or not you like his mother. My MIL is fairly unbearable (as DH would be the first to acknowledge), but she’s DH’s family, and DS’s family.

I do see both sides but I would be trying to set some expectations and compromises now that the dynamics have changed and your DS has been born. Firstly that you can't drive 40 minutes for a visit on Christmas Day for a visit, this will only get harder when your DS doesn't want to leave his toys - people without small children can visit you. I personally think you should all spend it together with your family at your mums but make a bigger effort on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day to have a family day with DHs family by visiting them.

We do Christmas Day on a 3 year rotation. One year at mine, and one at each of my DDs. We generally all do Boxing Day at DD1s as she has a bigger house. It works really well.
OP, just because something has always happened a particular way doesn’t mean it always has to happen that way! Give your DP a break here. Tell your DM that you’re spending the day at his parents in the morning then will go to hers for the evening.

every is different and you are using your family as a benchmark

tbh it sounds very overbearing and if I were your DP it would be my idea off hell
Going there and thinking I’m going to have to endure this for the next 20 odd years

I'm sympathetic, your family sound much nicer.

But the facts are that you've had a child with a man you knew would never be willing to spend Xmas day with your family so you are stuck with 5050 on the day or alternating years. You can't rule 8020 in your favour.

It should be turn about, remember your teaching your son how to behave with you when he's older !

Why go anywhere at Christmas? Why not just stay at home and begin to establish your own family traditions?

I think it's also important to remember that there are other seasons throughout the year. Although I personally love Christmas I'm getting increasingly cynical about it being seen as the be all and end all of the year to the point where many people get almost hysterical about it.

A picnic on a pleasant summer's day can also be a time for bonding with family as can an Easter egg hunt in the garden or apple bobbing on Halloween or even a big roast dinner on a normal Sunday.

YANBU wanting to spend Christmas with your family. That’s fine, your decision, and a young baby probably needs to be with you.

However, YABU telling DP where he spends Christmas. That is totally up to him.

Just do every alternate year with each family. I would much rather spend every year with mine, but my kids are 50% dp's family, so it's not just about me any more. We time it so the kids in our family are at my parents one year and their other sides the other year. Multiple families amd the kids always have fun wherever they are.

Hi
yes that’s a good point about when DS gets older. His sister (who is lovely) did say we could all get together on Boxing Day and was quick to point out she didn’t see it as a big deal of it wasn’t especially on Christmas Day as I know she empathises with DP as she acknowledges their mum is unkind to him and favours her.

Hi
I haven’t told him I have said my Mum would love him to spend Xmas at hers but it’s his call. He has been invited every year, I have never been invited to spend it with his family.

Yes that’s also a fair point. His sister made a similar one and said she would like us to to do something all together on Boxing Day which I think of a fair compromise as my family also make plans for Boxing Day but I would go to his family instead if this is what he wanted.

I was going to say this, you’re not being unreasonable but I can see how spending Christmas Day with your family makes at remind him he doesn’t have a decent family

Hi all,

I didn’t expect so many responses so can’t respond to everyone individually so just to clarify some points.

Thanks to those who have given me a balanced response and some great point to think about, I definitely need to reflect.

it does appear that some on MN hate anyone who has a nice family or finds joy in any situation 😂

• my family not wanting to spend Christmas at mine os reasonable to me. As I said I have a large extended family I’m not just taking about my Mum. There are 3 new babies in the family this Xmas so I do think it’s okay for them not to want to come to mine just for my sake when there are others to consider also.

• those saying family is family I’m sorry but I disagree with that. I don’t think you are obligated to spend time with people who make you feel shitty. I do not see my dad as he treated my mum and me awfully when I was younger - do I feel guilty? Not one bit.

• I don’t think my partner is ‘scared’ of his Mum but I do think he continues to seek her approval as his sister is very much put on a pedestal so I do understand his apprehensions

• I haven’t told my partner he must spend Xmas at my Mums I have said I would like him to - he has always been invited to do so

• I am mindful of my DS spending time with his MIL as she is unkind. I don’t see how being around this at Xmas is good for anyone, even taking me out of it.

• I am my mums only child as my brother passed away (hence my earlier comments about Xmas being a special time) whereas my MIL has his sister who as I said she dotes on

• MIL is very involved in her other grandchildren’s lives - they are now teenagers so not a similar age to DS

this being said I do understand the view that it’s going to be very difficult for DP and I think a bigger conversation is needed. I think because I’ve tried to approach him about it a number of times I’ve just made a decision.

The fair thing to do would be to listen to your DH and stop thinking the decisions are yours. And decide together.

The fairest scenario is to do alternate Christmases. This is what we have done since before children (since pretty much our first Christmas together) 1 Christmas just us, one my family and one DH family. It works really well.

I have started a new tradition recently where we do not travel on Christmas Eve, Day or Boxing Day (as we now have the young children in the families) and if people want to see us they have to come to us. It great not having to travel and the kids just get to stay at home playing with what they have.

Bit hard to alternate Christmas if OP is not even invited to MILs!

This year with your family and DS, and it’s up to DP whether he is with you or not - he has options which you don’t. Next year, play it by ear. You might get an invite from MIL or SIL. You might choose to stay home as a 3. You might repeat a visit to your family with your DS. It is NOT acceptable for DP to take DS to MILs if you are not invited as you are a family unit.

Yes you are being unreasonable. Have you ever thought your DP might find your family’s involvement overbearing? Have you thought he might hate the idea of a big Christmas with your extended family.

You are your own family unit now. Maybe spend the day at home with the three of you and visit both sets of parents in Boxing Day

But it’s a shit choice, do what I want or you won’t get to see DS at Christmas

It's weird that you priortise being with your extended family over your immediate family (DS and DP).

To ensure you spend christmas with your DS and DP, which is what you should be doing, you'll need to either take it in turns each year and alternate families. (Yes, you'll have to suck up their inferior Christmas and imperfect family dynamic, but time to grow up and be adult, they are your DPs and your Dss family.)
Or, you stay at home with just your immediate family.

YABU to priortise your family every year and to seperate your DS from his dad at Christmas.

You seem childish in just wanting things for you to be like they always have been, instead of growing up and putting the new family you have created first, which means considering your DP and his wider family as well as yours.

I can't see the bit where she isn't invited tho. Unless I missed it. I've re-read it several times.
Isn't it just normal that if you have a partner they are go to family for things that you are invited too esp if you have children together?
I am never personally invited to DH family things. Its just a given that if DP is that I am too and the other way around. My family have never 'invited' my DH to christmas but just expect him to be there if I am.

For me, my child spending time with both of his parents on Christmas Day would trump everything else. As your DP’s sister has already suggested something on Boxing Day with his side of the family I’d open a discussion about going to your parents this Christmas and his family on Boxing Day this year so that the three of you spend Christmas Day together. You don’t have to commit to plans for the next 18 years - worry about next year then.

With a bit of luck he might have a great time and repeat next year…!

I take the point of find Xmas with my family too much but not that their involvement is over bearing…my mum and aunt are the only babysitters we have so he’s more than happy to take their help!