Autistic parents who don’t like physical affection

[Nezuko22]

How do you cope?

My eldest is the complete opposite and is trying to hug and kiss us constantly. And I really do mean constantly, she’s been home for 2 hours and she’s tried to hug and kiss me 15 times. I don’t mind a hug and a kiss before going somewhere and before bed but she’s quite forceful about it. She pins down the toddler who is quite a lot like me and I have to tell her off for forcing kisses on him when he’s screaming no. She runs at ne making kissing noises and it honestly makes my skin crawl. I’ve had words with her to reassure that I live her but I just don’t want to be harassed for this sort of physical touch constantly and that she needs to respect people boundaries if they say no. She’s 11 btw. Does anyone else have any experience of this?

This is fucking painful, and pointless.

Arguing with a pigeon springs to mind.

Clearly when her arms aren't tied up being wrapped around her precious darling, they've got a mind of their own writing hateful and ignorant comments.

Perhaps when her darling child is in bed she should redirect her arms towards her husband, that way she wins best wife and mother of 2024 award and we won't have to put up with such small minded commenters. Seems like a win win to me.

Unless her husband doesn't like physical affection...

I see Sallys comments have crossed the line into full blown ableism now and will hopefully be removed soon. What a fucking embarrassment.

I don’t think the little darling and husband are real you know….

I have a very sensory seeking affectionate dc, over the years we found a dog definitely helped to met their needs alongside us parents.

@SaltySallyAnne you really are being a bitch on this thread! Just because the OP has a different love language to you doesn't mean she deserves the vitriol you are throwing her way, go and have a word with yourself you nasty person!!
@Nezuko22 both my DC are autistic, my eldest can be quite huggy but HATES kisses, she's 9 and fully understands that kisses are how I show love, I ask her first and she can say no and I blow her a kiss instead. My youngest is constantly on me all the time! I'm his climbing frame, trampoline, all singing all dancing play machine! He loves a snuggle but at 4 he understands that sometimes mummy is busy and it's a no. I'm not ASD so I don't have the sensory overwhelm that you have but I sometimes struggle and just need space and to bloody breathe! At 11 she is more than old enough to understand boundaries and pinning her siblings, the issues with friends at school and constantly jumping/grabbing you is not ok. She needs to learn it's not your love language and to ask permission, in the first instance say yes as often as you can whilst confirming your love language in the interim, ie I love playing with your hair and you playing with mine and it makes me feel loved, I love you. Then once permission is established you can say yes less often to a level you can cope with. Permission doesn't need to be asked or granted for the welcome/goodbye hugs.
It might also be a good idea to name the hugs, a quick one, a tight one, a squeezy one, a long one etc and then she can ask for the specific hug and you can either say yes or counteroffer with a different hug if you are sensory overloaded and can't manage what she has asked for.
I'm sorry you've had a hard time by some posters, I get it and YANBU

It's a shame because I'd love for her to experience those kinds of hugs where you're just laid down minding your business and your kid decides to do an aerial drop in knee first to the crotch seen as she's so desperate to make sure every physical touch bid for attention is met with nothing but love and adoration.

It's a shame she'll never know that kind of connection.

Does your husband know you go online and tell autistic people that it’s no wonder they’re seen as intellectually disabled because they struggle with sensory issues? You need to stop giving out your pointless and poisonous thoughts and work on yourself. Maybe think about that during your several hour long cuddle sessions where you’re not doing any house work at all.

Emotionally abusing her daughter for not constantly hugging her. You really are scraping the barrel now.

Yeah or those really extra special hugs my toddler gives where he’s covered in snot and tries to pluck my eyeball out or stick his fingers in my mouth.

Some of these posts are nuts! OP don't listen to them, some people are mega huggers, some are not. It doesn't sound like you're out of normal range either! Your daughter will just have to learn you show her love in different ways. And over hugging someone esp toddler is not ok. Your job is to teach. And be firm, "ok off you go". All the posters saying you need to hug more are likely raising nightmare children who don't know boundaries and will grow up as horrible entitled brats,

OP I've found mumsnet is not kind to us autistics so try not to let the comments from those who don't understand get to you.

I agree with those who said this could be sensory seeking. Look into compression vests, weighed blankets etc and see if that can reduce the need for you to meet that sensory need.

My autistic dd is a hugger. I could cope with the hugs maybe but she's a fidgety hugger it's not pleasant for me. You do have to remember this is a child though and saying you love them doesn't fully counter how it feels to be physically rejected. People are being unkind making this point but it is valid. I suggest finding yourself a stim to help you cope. I click my toes and rub my lips and will intentionally start these stims before the hugging becomes too much just to make sure I can endure more of it/longer hugs.

With the kissing is it because it's wet that's the problem? I've bluntly told my kids I can't stand wet kisses, bless him my son will wipe his lips before he kisses me. I'm fine with them kissing my clothes so I get a lot of shoulder kisses too. And I make sure I kiss them (their hair/top of head) a lot so they get the affection.

Ultimately though we need to shoulder through. We are the adults they are the kids. If someone has to sacrifice it needs to be us. My mother was shit in many ways, failed me in many ways, I did think I'd forgiven her and accepted she tried her best and is likely autistic herself but then I became a mother myself and my forgiveness evaporated. We need to meet our children's needs even when it's a sensory nightmare for us. We can stim and sensory seek in other ways so we have the tolerance or to recover after. We have that understanding where they do not. If we fail them as kids they live with the consequences all their life, whereas if we force ourselves through the discomfort it's only during their childhood which actually flies past very fast it's not forever!

This thread has got a bit horrible! I’m very much of the opinion that if a child wants a hug, you hug them. However, this doesn’t justify the insults and ableism the OP is currently receiving. What’s wrong with some of you? This surely cannot be how you behave in real life?!

Have you heard of the five love languages? It sounds like fluff, but as an autistic person I found the concept helpful. These "languages" refer to how people express and feel love. They are

• words of affirmation
• quality time
• receiving gifts
• physical touch
• acts of service

Which of these do you most relate to? You might be happiest showing your love by words of affirmation - showering people with compliments, for example, or you may feel most loved when your daughter spends quality time with you, buys you gifts from her pocket money, or brings you a drink when you are sick.

You have to accept that she probably needs lots of physical touch to feel loved. Instead of trying to change her, you will have to find ways to be more comfortable with her.

She also needs to accept your your love language too, as relationships are a two-way street.

So I would tell her about the different love languages, and ask her which she thinks hers is. Then explain what yours is and give her some examples of how you show your love for her. Ask her to show her love for you by doing things that make you feel loved. Give her realistic examples of things she does that help you feel loved. If she has some positive ways to react, the hugging might be a little less intense going forward.

Here is a link about the book - the title suggests it is about romantic relationships but it is applicable to any personal relationships.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages

Good luck 🤞

I just really don’t like kissing. Anyone!

I was getting better, but then she thought I would be funny to burp in my mouth one evening evening when I went to kiss her and I was right back to square one again. I like hand holding. I’ll sit and hold her hand in the cinema or at home, she likes it when I draw circles on her palm. We take turns drawing pictures on each others palms and backs and guessing what it is. Those are nice affections. I guess it’s the physical restriction of hugging I really don’t like.

Oh I am 100% an acts of service person haha!

I'm from a culture that doesn't hug. We're fine.

Oh also I agree you need to tackle the hugging the toddler. With my dd it's brought about the consent topic very clearly. I'm frequently firmly telling her toddler doesn't like it and she can't force him as it's his body he doesn't have to hug if he doesn't want to. Forever saying listen to the sound he's making he's not happy stop. Look at his face that's not a happy face you have to stop. I then have to say come hug me instead half the time as she's seeking and needs the contact from someone

@SaltySallyAnne shes gone poof ✨

Or maybe she has name changed @pinkstripeycat 😂

Thankyou 🩷

She’s off for an hour long hug 😂 maybe she’ll have time to mock her husband for being autistic after. What an awful woman.

Autistic parent here with autistic/AuDHD kids, and I also understand the getting "touched out". DS1 wasn't keen on hugs or kisses, but DS2 needed much more physical closeness. It could get tough at times.

Things that helped.
Working on my own sensory regulation when I felt overstimulated and overwhelmed or drained.
OT helped us with a sensory diet for DS2 to help with sensory seeking.
Alternative ways of connecting - snuggling up on the sofa under a weighted blanket and reading a favourite book/watching one of his comfort shows for example.
AutPlay therapy helped with teaching him about consent before touching people (as there were issues with him hugging other kids who didn't like it). It was also a safety issue, we wanted to ensure he wouldn't just go off with anyone who was affectionate to him, and that he understood what was appropriate and inappropriate touch (either towards him or him touching others)
Time with his DGM, who found DS2 much more amenable than DS1 because of his affectionate nature and was more than happy to cuddle him all day!

Interestingly, DS1 is very self contained and DGM found him aloof and hard to connect with. I used to often meet parents in my job who complained about their autistic kids disliking physical contact, and that was always seen as much more "normal" by my colleagues than those who struggled with their children wanting constant physical contact/reassurance. It is a bit taboo, but many parents do struggle with it and because of how it's seen (as illustrated by some of the very mean comments on this thread) it's hard for people to open up about. But you're really not alone, and I'm sorry to see yet another thread on here with vile comments about autistic people.

This video about consent for kids might be helpful.

@Mirrrors 😂😂 she was an utter horror. But you could tell she lost it a bit at the end 🙌🏻 so unmotherly.