Autistic parents who don’t like physical affection

[Nezuko22]

How do you cope?

My eldest is the complete opposite and is trying to hug and kiss us constantly. And I really do mean constantly, she’s been home for 2 hours and she’s tried to hug and kiss me 15 times. I don’t mind a hug and a kiss before going somewhere and before bed but she’s quite forceful about it. She pins down the toddler who is quite a lot like me and I have to tell her off for forcing kisses on him when he’s screaming no. She runs at ne making kissing noises and it honestly makes my skin crawl. I’ve had words with her to reassure that I live her but I just don’t want to be harassed for this sort of physical touch constantly and that she needs to respect people boundaries if they say no. She’s 11 btw. Does anyone else have any experience of this?

How can you possibly write such a load of presumptuous garbage, with such confidence, based on the little information you have?! It’s laughable.

At 11, I do think she is old enough to start thinking about other people. I would have a conversation with her about all the ways people can show they love each other. Then you both pick, say, your three favourite and your least favourite. If there is something which one person loves but the other doesn’t, talk about how we have to respect that and not demand it all the time. But equally, we want to make sure we do show love in other ways as much as possible.

Then make a plan together.

100 times if I could. I am probably like your daughter tbh I’m always asking the kids for cuddles. My kids cuddles make everything all ok… and I’m an adult saying that imagine what a cuddle feel likes to a child. My daughter gets morning kiss and cuddle, after school cuddle, bed time cuddle, if we are watching tv we will cuddle, cuddles just because I feel like it. She often comes down and asks for a cuddle. She’s a teen btw.

That’s not what the OP is saying, at all. Everyone has a limit and some people are touched out more quicker than others. I get very overstimulated when my daughter constantly demands a hug or wants to touch just for the sake of it. It can actually feel physically exhausting to me after about 20 hugs in the space of 2 hours

I'm sorry to hear that NeverDropYourMooncup
That resonates in some ways with me.
In my case, both parents too busy and a horrible narcissistic mother. Lack of affection caused a lot of damage indeed.
I also tried to get love from teachers, neighbours, anyone really.

As you describe, once you barely hit your teenage years, you start craving attention from men, anyone is good, and you have no boundaries.

OP sorry I can't sympathise because I was that child asking for hugs and attention, it destroys you in ways you cant imagine.
If your poor daughter doesn't get it from you she will try to get it somewhere else. I would look for therapy rather than asking in a public forum how many kisses and hugs are normal. When I read "my skin crawls" I was wondering if my mother felt that. Not that I want love or attention from her anymore.

Edit to add my own children get cuddles and kisses all the time, (2 teens and one pre-teen).

Please ignore the militant OP attackers, OP. This place is riddled with them these days. They find one perceived weakness in a poster and they will purposely misunderstand or reframe whatever you’re saying to justify their continuous attack on you. It makes them feel better for some reason. It’s a real shame though because it means that almost every thread is derailed and rendered useless by their dogged attention seeking.

I think this means you probably don’t know anyone in real life then. Awkward.

Reading that your DD likes her hair playing with just gave me pure nostalgia. My mum still does my hair from time to time. Spends hours on it sometimes, just for fun.

We don't hug. We're not huggy people. We often joke that we hug eachother when someone dies because it's expected of us but we all know we each hate it just as much as eachother so why do we torture ourselves doing it?

I do my mums hair too, I'm 30, shes almost 50. We send eachother crochet videos, and go yarn shopping together. We both pick up a lidl weekly for the other when we're in lidl so we can look at what's going to be in the middle of lidl, and little thoughtful things like this. Lots of I saw this and thought of you moments.

I know I said in an earlier post there were times where I wanted a hug and didn't get one, which is still true, but I don't think that impacted our relationship at all, because there are hundreds of other ways connections have been made and maintained and I don't think we're doing too badly.

I co sleep with DS out of necessity, but his need for physical touch extends as far as trying to get between the mattress and all 100kg of me, every single night and luckily this is normal for me now but my mum had him overnight once and was sending me messages like "why is he trying to get crushed to a paste? Does he have a death wish? Does he think he's a tube of toothpaste?" And I forget how un-normal this behaviour is. I don't think DS will be happy until he's got an elephant on him though, but he definitely seeks feedback by ramming, wrestling, dropping in, side swiping, triple axel backflips, interpretive dance, and tying himself up in any loose rope-like items. All yarn and tape measures and string and dressing gown ties have to be hidden. It's relentless.

@Strawberrysherbets

Child is clearly not desperate for cuddles from her mother. Mother wants to justify to herself that a rationed number of hugs a day is enough. Child is not coping with that and desperately seeks more throughout the day. OP says it makes her skin crawl. The child will pick up on this.

OP needs to just suck it up and get on with it for her daughter's sake. Autistic or not, she's the adult and her daughter is a child.

sorry but in short you saying "my childs needs arent being met,we reject her-n shes relentless"
YOU ARE THE ADULT-?
"Maaaaaa...I need you...."-" OK but not like that"
Shes a wee girl,growing rapidly into teen. sorry(but) fk whtchu want/feel. ...Sure you can ALL be aware of how you are-but doll,-shes reaching out.
breath in deep-out slow-but step the fuck up
thats so not fair.get her puppy

I think @SaltySallyAnne (and her various guises) should be banned for writing this. Absolutely appalling.

I’m starting to see why people say autism has a strong link with intellectual difficulties.

I haven't read the thread, just the OPs post, so this may have been suggested but my DF has a sensory seeking autistic child similar age. They bought a labrador puppy.
Now the puppy is 30kg. Child loves cuddling up to the dog, labs are very often cuddly and robust and have gentle mouths so a ideal family dog (DF chose the puppy wisely and found a small local home breeder and was able to select the most chilled out puppy from the litter).
The dog is a good neutral family member, everyone in the family benefits (DF grew up with labs so knew about the downsides)
Might be the physical outlet your DD needs and also dogs love giving attention, not many young healthy well selected domestic dogs turn down cuddles!
My own dog (not a lab) sleeps on my bed and is my own personal weighted blanket (not that I want one!)
I know plenty of families who get dogs at that tricky DC pre-teen age to help DC with regulation and to have a friend in the house when they start hating their human family :-) and to get DC off screens and out in the fresh air to join in dog walks, which can be a good time for conversations and one-on-one time which your DD may appreciate too. Yes a dog adds to your workload, but the benefits often outweigh the extra chores, especially in a ND household.

You can't name change on a thread anymore. Whoever the poster is on other threads, on this one she is one person.

I don’t think they’re rationed.

I leave the house at 8am. She gets a hug and a kiss as I leave.
I get home at 6:30. Hug and kiss.
Then I have dinner, tidying, sorting uniform and homework, sorting my work stuff, bathing and putting toddler to bed. That takes me up to 8pm. She jumps in the shower and I do her hair. Hug and kiss and she’s in bed for 9. Where else am I supposed to be fitting in all this lounging around snuggling??

We don’t have time for a dog unfortunately. We do have cats though, but she’s not really fussed about them.

That's it I did the same with my son and now I get overwhelming amounts of love from him. With my girls who are older than my son I didn't do that because I had 3 girls close in age. When I had him I spoilt him he was my last baby. He does say to me when I tell him to stop who else will hug and kiss you. His kisses are messy and he slobbers on my face he does mess around with me. He does also give me nice hugs and kisses. I know how you feel.

You’d have a very different response if you didn’t mention being autistic, unfortunately.

@Nezuko22

I leave the house at 8am. She gets a hug and a kiss as I leave.
I get home at 6:30. Hug and kiss.
Then I have dinner, tidying, sorting uniform and homework, sorting my work stuff, bathing and putting toddler to bed. That takes me up to 8pm. She jumps in the shower and I do her hair. Hug and kiss and she’s in bed for 9. Where else am I supposed to be fitting in all this lounging around snuggling?

You don't have to lounge around for hours on end. But a perfunctory hug and kiss rationed to 3 specific times of the day is not enough. As to how you fit it in, you just do. Because you're her parent and she needs it. You've managed to spend a lot of time on this thread this evening so I'm sure you can carve out time for the kinds of hugs she is desperately craving. Be led by what your child needs, not by how you can make her be more how you want her to be.

I don't buy that for a second. I reckon everyone jumping to the OP's defence here, would all be utterly bashing her and telling her to get a grip and cuddle her child.

Autism or not, the child needs more physical affection and OP is the adult here.

How so?! People seem to be jumping on the OP and not even acknowledging that she’s Autistic. There’s been plenty threads of parents feeling touched out, this shit isn’t new

@SaltySallyAnne

erm lots of parents have to do that stuff when their kids are around. If they didn’t, it wouldn’t get done.

She needs the hugs, I appreciate you finding it more difficult than most, but fundamentally as parents we have to meet children's physical and emotional needs before our wants.

The hugs are her making up for the lack of your presence during her school and after-school day.

It isn't a lot for a child to ask. I get the full time work, I do the same. But I prioritise their emotional needs by using slow cooker, having a cleaner, laundry outsourcing so I can prioritise my children when I am home. Is that a possibility?

Have you explored a way to tolerate hugs better? And she will know your feelings on them, I always did. It took me a long time to manage the significant impact having a non tactile parent has.

Why do you think the OP’s child needs MORE physical affection? If the OPs DD wants 100 hugs in 24 hours, should the OP just go along with it despite the fact that she’s overstimulated herself? You’re acting like the OP said she never hugs her child once. Ridiculous post

The op wants her daughter to understand boundaries. Her daughter will always push to get her own way. I don't believe she is craving attention she's winding her mum up most probably. I did it to my mum and my son is doing it to me.

The point is that she is doing to other children at school who do not want it so it is a bigger issue than you are understanding