Autistic parents who don’t like physical affection

[Nezuko22]

How do you cope?

My eldest is the complete opposite and is trying to hug and kiss us constantly. And I really do mean constantly, she’s been home for 2 hours and she’s tried to hug and kiss me 15 times. I don’t mind a hug and a kiss before going somewhere and before bed but she’s quite forceful about it. She pins down the toddler who is quite a lot like me and I have to tell her off for forcing kisses on him when he’s screaming no. She runs at ne making kissing noises and it honestly makes my skin crawl. I’ve had words with her to reassure that I live her but I just don’t want to be harassed for this sort of physical touch constantly and that she needs to respect people boundaries if they say no. She’s 11 btw. Does anyone else have any experience of this?

The OP said she gives her daughter FOUR hugs a day and feels it’s more than enough. I stand by what I said.

Also, the OP’s title literally says she doesn’t like physical affection.

Of course I hug my mum and my dad. What kind of question is that, for heaven's sake? Do you think there's an age limit on affection? I hug my adult siblings too.

Your DD's not getting her needs met. She needs help learning appropriate boundaries for hugging others, but she is clearly very much in need of more physical reassurancer than the OP is giving her.

A woman said to my dad I should not be getting anymore hugs at the age of 9. He told that a baby wants a hug an adult wants a hug even an elderly person needs a hug. Her face turned into a tomato. My son loves hugs and kisses from me but his dad is a lot like the op he's not into affection. This is an interesting thread.

I think there's two issues really, her wanting the hugs and kisses from you more on her terms (rather than yours), which I think is understandable given everything you've said, and the fact you don't get to spend an awful lot of time with her in the evenings, so she has to concentrate her efforts in a small space of time which becomes overwhelming for you.

But is it possible that she's learnt from how you are that if she keeps trying and trying to hug and kiss you then you will eventually relent and hug/kiss her back? Is that what happens? If so it may have set a precedent that if she constantly tries she will get a lot of 'fails' but she may eventually get a 'win'? Could that explain why she keeps trying and trying with other people too, she craves it and is repeating the behaviour that works on you?

A bit like a child constantly asking for sweets and being told no, because the know if they go on about it enough you might just give in and let them have some.. they learn it's worth going on about it constantly because the will eventually get what they want?

@Nezuko22 I'm feeling really upset for you because I think very few people here actually have a clue about autism. If this was an autistic child you were talking about , they would be droning on about boundaries. I'm not sure if there's a forum here for ND parenting but maybe someone knows if there is. AIBU isn't your safe place here. And I can see how upset this is making you. I've no practical advice as I don't have experience in your situation but definitely come off AIBU. You don't deserve to be attacked.

That's not really the issue. OP's been very articulate and clear on her own needs or, rather, what she needs her daughter not to do. Unfortunately, the daughter is a child, for whom the message "I can't stand you hugging me" is undoubtedly harmful.

If she's been getting that message - non-verbally but kids aren't stupid - since the age of three or thereabouts, it'll be deeply embedded and she'll be feeling a cavernous deficit. Explaining that you need her help is just another way of telling her to suck it up, so please don't.

I know you said your baby's quite hug-averse, OP, which must be something of a relief to you! Toddlers need fairly constant attention, though, much of which involves touch. I agree on the probability of DD's feeling all the more deprived by comparison. If he doesn't want her hugs either, it's all adding up to an immense burden of rejection.

I enjoyed the Disney hug idea above.

If you agreed with PPs about bringing DD to a psychologist, I would hope you'd approach it not from a "what's wrong with her" point of view, but more of a "how can we fix our relationship?"

All parents are overstimulated, you just have to suck it up.

Says fucking who, you? No thanks. Did you miss the part where the OP said that her daughter tried to hug and kiss her 15 times within 2 hours? That may be okay for you, but it isn’t for the OP. At 11, one is old enough to under boundaries and respect that, especially as OP has a disability herself. Why the hell you’d want her to mask and continue being overstimulated makes 0 sense to me

No one really gives a toss about Autism when it really comes down to it and that’s the God’s honest truth. SN chat is a great place and you’ll still get balanced responses and suggestions. AIBU, Chat or even the Parenting board is not the place to receive understanding for another disability related

“We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” – Virginia Satir, American Author and Psychotherapist.

If this was an autistic child you were talking about , they would be droning on about boundaries. - Can you explain?

It sounds as though you're saying that a tactile, NT mother with an autistic, hug-averse child would be advised to respect her kid's boundaries.

That would be correct: the parent's role is to meet the child's needs, not vice versa.

I’m ND. The people making OP don’t understand. For us it’s not a ‘oh I have no personal space , scooch off’ type of feeling. there gets a point where your skin feels like it’s on fire if you’re touched one too many times, where simply being jumped on without warning can make you feel rage rather slight annoyance. We hate it as much as some of you want to shame us for.

OP you really have my sympathy because I understand.

I don't think there's a general absence of sympathy for OP, @simonsayss. She was mainly asking how to cope. She hated feedback that her daughter seems to be showing signs of emotional deprivation - that's understandable! No decent parent wants to think they may be failing their child in some important way.

There were, however, several respondents taking the position that OP shouldn't have to face the discomfort of her child's need for physical affection. They ridiculed suggestions that the girl's development could be seriously impaired, even when those suggesting it had suffered similar themselves.

They gave a strong impression that children who seek comfort in their mothers' arms are unreasonable, perhaps in need of treatment. Overall, they reinforced OP's desire to limit or even reduce the contact she gives her child.

It's really clear that OP finds it extra difficult. NT parents also get enraged by their kids' constant touching, mauling and inconvenient hugs; it's not as if you have to be autistic to understand that! OP made it clear that it happens a lot for her. There's no lack of sympathy for her.

And there's also a child whose emotional needs are not being met - for some years, apparently - and is inevitably acting out, trying as best she can to make up the 'hug deficit' with her family and friends. It's reaching a critical point for her, as she hasn't been able to stop the inappropriate behaviour at school. I think it's a compliment to OP's parenting that her DD still trusts her enough to seek hugs from her, but that won't last.

What's needed is a way forward. Few have been offered, though I did think there were a few good suggestions in amongst the snarling. OP can prioritise her own feelings, training her child to expect minimal physical affection. As a good parent, I think she realises the girl's already showing signs of harm and continued withdrawal will only exacerbate it. To help her daughter grow up sane, safe and balanced, she needs to find a way to make up the deficit.

I don't know what that is, but it won't come from yelling that autistic parents simply cannot stand it (and children shouldn't want it). Counselling might be an excellent idea, not to diagnose what's wrong with a child needing hugs, for god's sake, but to figure out what OP can manage to do to help her.

The reason I'm awake at 4am is that my 8 year old appeared a while ago for hugs and I can't get back to sleep. Trust me I'd rather not have been hugged at that time but he needed it so it's fine. Pending autism assessment.

My 10 year old autistic son hugs loads. He needs the physical affection. A bit less so gradually now but I certainly can't imagine rationing to 4x a day.

I'm probably ND too and sometimes it drives me crazy. I do have boundaries - no hugs when not safe e.g. drinking hot tea, cooking etc. I've been known to make a cup of tea to get a break on very snuggly days. I'm not a naturally huggy person so I've had to adjust but I feel it's a hugely important thing.

I do think this is a problem you need to try and resolve not your child.

Has she always been like this op?

The kissing noises made me wonder if she's seeking attention and has learnt that running for hugs and kisses is a way of getting it (both negatively and positively)
Also the gap between her and your toddler is quite big so maybe she reverted when he was little and (obviously) getting a lot of physical attention.

My dd at one stage was a bit forcible with hugs to adults (her reception teacher had words with me). Looking back (she's much older now) it was at the point where her toddler brother was a complete handful that took up a lot of my time and attention.

Reminder that it's all young mammals, not just humans! Hey, at least ours don't bite our tails 😉

So skin crawling has nothing to do with sensory issues then?

Set a timer for hugging your child? That child will be on the therapist’s couch in 20 years’ time, talking about the timed hugs with her mum.

Yeh neurotypical parents feel the exact same way. This is not a feeling unique to autistic people.

@CharlotteLucas3 "My eldest DS used to do the aggressive cuddling thing with his younger brother. It was very difficult because his brother didn't like it but how do you tell someone off for cuddling?"

You do tell someone off for cuddling if the other person does not want a cuddle. It's called consentment and if he doesn't get that what will make him stop raping a girl because he's in love with her? A cuddle is only nice if there are two WILLING persons. Otherwise it's an intrusion like harassment.

@ItsTheGAGGGGGGGGG

Says fucking who, you? No thanks. Did you miss the part where the OP said that her daughter tried to hug and kiss her 15 times within 2 hours? That may be okay for you, but it isn’t for the OP. At 11, one is old enough to under boundaries and respect that, especially as OP has a disability herself. Why the hell you’d want her to mask and continue being overstimulated makes 0 sense to me

Yes, says fucking me. Did you even read my post you're replying to?

If the OP would give her daughter more cuddles then her daughter wouldn't be pestering her so much in the first place.

Aside from that, the fact that OP is even counting the hugs just goes to show what an unnecessary drama she's creating here. All she needs to do is start hugging her daughter more rather than making her feel like she needs to change. She's 11. The OP is an adult and a mother. Yes, she needs to get a grip. The more hugs she gives her daughter when she needs them the more it will benefit them both as the daughter will calm down with the clinginess and desperation.

If the OP would give her daughter more cuddles then her daughter wouldn't be pestering her so much in the first place.

That’s absolutely not necessarily true. If it’s sensory seeking behaviour as has been pointed out here many times, ‘giving in’ to the hugs wouldn’t lessen them. That’s what needs to be clarified, because it’s affecting others not just the op.

Theres 2 issues her, probably at the same time

• She’s sensory seeking and needs help with boundaries
• She’s desperate for affection because her needs aren’t being met at home.

Either way you need to parent her and put your issues aside. The fact you count hugs is very telling. It would be a good idea to get some parenting help with the issue if that’s available locally.

The risk is that in 2-3 years once puberty hits there’s a risk she’s attracted to the first man who offers her affection and it’s very, very difficult at that age to get her back on track. Teenage girls driven to look for affection outside the home rarely ends well.

The problem is that DD is FORCING her way into other people's space : she hurt her GM throwing herself at her, she jumps on OP when she has things in her hands, she's got problems with friends because she doesn't respect personal space. To me it sounds like something a 2 year old would do, not an eleven year old! If she would ask OP for a hug and not throw herself at her it would be so much easier for OP to "prepare" herself for the hug. At eleven she really needs to learn this why I recommend that OP seeks professional help.

Honestly you can't allow her to pin down a 2 year old and force kisses/cuddles on them. That's practically assault. If your daughter was a son I think you would have had very different responses. If she pinned down a friend in the playground like this she would be in serious trouble. I'd be having strong words about boundaries and bodily autonomy, it's not just boys who need to be taught this. She's more than old enough to know this is not ok. Likewise jumping all over you all the time. Ok at 4 not ok when they're almost in high school. She needs to learn to use her words, 'mum I need a hug' rather than forcing herself on people.

I'm autistic. I don't hug anyone.

Weirdly I don't feel this way with my kids. I don't like them touching me or being close messing with my head or face but I'm fine with hugging / laying / cuddling. They like to lay and put their legs over me.