To be disappointed & offended by this

[HazelPlayer]

Myself and a woman I met while working abroad (in her country( have kept an acquaintance going for 20 plus years now.

She moved to Germany for work a few years ago and has since got into a serious relationship with a German guy and shares his flat. She was mostly single before this relationship.

Both she and I have made the effort over the years to meet up once every few years.

Since she got into the relationship, they. visited my home country once. I could not accommodate them, due to renovations, but acted as their taxi driver for their stay, got them free National.Trust entry to a major attraction, and my h paid for meals out etc.
I think it was also the first time this woman met my dd, who was perhaps 5 at the time. She was very interested in her and affectionate towards her; and my DD reciprocated.

I then visited them with my DD in Germany, DD was 5/6 at the time, we stayed in their spare room. My dd's behaviour was no better or worse, I think, than any 5/6 year old child.
My acquaintance appeared to enjoy spending time with my DD, lots of videoing her. Her partner commented he "didn't know who was enjoying this the most" when they were playing in playparks etc.

My dd found their flat layout confusing/disorienting and when she had a sudden, urgent need to use the toilet - which she didn't tell me about because she was too embarrassed in front of this lady and her partner at the dining table - she couldn't find the toilet fast enough and soiled herself a bit. She then panicked and threw the soiled leggings and knickers into a corner of the spare room, nicely getting a couple of poo marks on the wall/bed frame.
I only discovered this when I wondered what she was doing and went looking for her, my long-term acquaintance was right on my heels so I had no chance to clean it up before she knew/got involved and she immediately had the sanitising wipes etc out. She seemed relatively matter of fact about it.

This happened a few hours before we left, I was extremely embarrassed but we didn't have much chance to talk about it.

After the visit, among various bits of convo, she mentioned that her partner has confirmed that he was glad they didn't have kids and wouldn't be having them. I found this slightly undiplomatic (which she can often be) but thought "ok, to each their own" and "I'd like to see him around an actual badly behaved kid". Also I spent an entire day of a three day stay entertaining myself and DD and navigating the city's transport system to go to a pool complex on my own, and didn't insist on doing a day out that they suggested for my DD because I thought of would be too tiring and demanding for everyone. I also bought food and gifts. So we weren't exactly demanding/crappy guests.

During that visit my acquaintance suggested we visit during the next summer (the summer just past) because it was the best time of kids. I didn't arrange it did various reasons, she was very much awol/unresponsive on communications so I thought I'd perhaps offended her by not visiting again. I therefore suggested that maybe we could visit in December, if that suited them.

She has now said that we could not stay with them because she "promised her partner she would not have kids to stay in the flat again".

This sort of rules out visiting her again in her (now) home base. Due to expense. Or I could shoulder the expense, but it makes me feel resentful about spending loads of money to visit someone who can't tolerate a child - and children grow up and change a lot (!!!) - for a night or two.
.
The flights there are not cheap, there's no flight from our local airports so we have to travel over 3 hours to a major one (during that visit we had the expense of airport hotels because of flight times) too. It would be heading for £1000 to Kay for flights and accommodation even without airport hotels ... . and this is to visit someone who takes the above line towards kids.
I could visit on my own sometime but tbh I'd just be thinking "I'm here on my own because you're too intolerant to host a not bad kid for a night or two". And my acquaintance was so interested in my DD that my DD would be wondering why she wasn't invited etc.

I don't think this is just him because she has quite a strong character. I don't think she'd be dictated to.

Aibu to feel a bit sad that a decades long acquaintance has come to this?

because she was renovating her home! Therefore potentially dangerous to have guests to stay. Ultimately the friend’s new partner has made it clear he doesn’t like children. That’s his thing whatever. I personally wouldn’t ever be near him myself let alone my children EVER again. And the friendship with my friend would be at arms length as long as the new partner is in the picture. Don’t like kids? That’s fine - you won’t be around mine then. Easy.

I’d not have a kid to stay in my house, poo on my wall and bed aside.

I don’t blame the BF - it’s healthy to have adult relationships without the kids involved as well as it becomes about them.

shares his flat
This is the crux of it - she is in his flat and while she might think of it as their home, he has to be happy with whoever is staying. Despite how well she got on with your little girl, it sounds like he is not too keen on children and while you may feel the excrement on the wall and bed is not that big a deal, it clearly felt like a big deal to him and he has put his foot down in case something worse happens next time. That's totally his prerogative.

So when you say you can't believe 'it's come to this' - all it's come to is that it isn't a good idea to bring your child with you next time.

All your details about how much effort it is to travel there and how hard it was to find the swimming pool don't matter. Is this woman a good friend who you enjoy spending time with? If yes, then make an effort within the boundaries she and you have set out, which means you can't bring your child if you want to stay with her, and for her that she can't expect to stay with you if you're having work done on your house.

When you say 'Matching the effort will mean no more visits' - well you got free accommodation with her, and then she did visit you (and not poop on your walls), and have to pay for somewhere to stay, and you don't seem to want to reciprocate by paying for somewhere to stay near her. In terms of effort, the scales are tipping far more on her side.

You couldn't be near someone who isn't keen on children? Wow, that's pretty extreme.

When you say 'Matching the effort will mean no more visits' - well you got free accommodation with her, and then she did visit you (and not poop on your walls), and have to pay for somewhere to stay, and you don't seem to want to reciprocate by paying for somewhere to stay near her. In terms of effort, the scales are tipping far more on her side.

Agree.

Do I want to spend my precious time hanging out with someone who actively dislikes my children? The answer is no thank you.

I would invite you back either. Your attitude is bizarre and your kid, who's old enough to know better, threw shitty pants in the corner at someone else's house.

And it’s not just someone! It’s the new partner of a friend. And he actively dislikes my kids. It’s a no from me personally.

I think that’s what the partner is saying himself though, right? He doesn’t want to be around the child in his flat. He hasn’t said he hates the kid or insulted them both. He hasn’t even said he doesn’t want to spend time with them outside his home. He just doesn’t want them to stay at his home.

He has politely set his boundaries (as so many people are told to do on mumsnet day in and day out). The world doesn’t revolve around the OP and her child. The man is perfectly ok to say ‘this doesn’t work for me this time’ for whatever reason (a renovation doesnt trump ‘I don’t want human shit on my wall’ as an excuse! Both are valid!).

How is not wanting children staying in your home 'actively disliking'?

It sounds like this friendship has run its course, to be honest. Remember the good times you had in the past and leave it there. Very few friendships last a lifetime. Drop your contact down to birthday and Christmas cards and forget about anything else.

Right - but from op’s comments and replies it feels like he would simply be tolerating being around op’s child for the sake of their friendship. I’d be like nope my kids are awesome and I’m not putting them in a situation with someone who doesn’t particularly like them. Why would I. He doesn’t really like kids and that’s absolutely fine. He can socialise with childfree people.

Sorry op but I do agree with this. Life is stressful and busy enough without a super-complicated friendship like that.

Wow, you really are a peach. 🙄

😂 ummmm thanks?

All of this. Are other people's boundaries only valid when they suit you?

@SummerPeach yes, and the fact that her daughter threw soiled clothes all over someone's floor is a pretty pivotal part of that situation 🤷‍♀️

If you read all of op’s responses there is something about him generally not liking children.

I think he’s probably going to be ok with that.
It’s the OP complaining on mumsnet and calling people cunts. 😅

There is such a thing as cutting your nose off to spite your face. In the future, when the OP is past the tiny kid stage, she may regret not hanging on to her friend from decades ago over a fairly reasonable request (don’t put shit on my wall/let’s hang out without the kid). She might not. Who can tell? 80+% think she’s being unreasonable, so it’s entirely likely.

Your child won’t be a child forever so their reason is also temporary.

I am afraid that this is just one of those things, they invited you to stay and ended up with shit on their walls. You have a few options.

1- go without your child and stay in their house
2- go with your child and book a hotel
3- instead of the open invitation they have invite them for a specific time period to stay with you
4- take a step back and no longer visit each other.
5- meet up somewhere else

it is not unreasonable for people to decide who can stay in their house. I have asked for some of my partners friends to not stay over as every time they do I feel uncomfortable, I also don’t allow dogs in my house this has stopped people from travelling to me but I am OK with that it is their choice.

choosing to be offended on this matter will only make you miserable just accept it for what it is.

I agree - he will be ok with that. I was saying yeah exactly if I was op I would do as he’s insinuated and stay away. Problem solved for everyone. 🤷‍♀️

And I am saying that is an over reaction that the OP may well come to regret. The couple were not rude or unreasonable. The friend actually wants to continue to friendship and they are welcome to visit. They just don’t want shit on their walls. That’s ok. You can get a stick up your arse about the perceived slight and ‘not liking my child’ but really, that’s a you problem and you might end up pretty lonely if that’s how you conduct your friendships.

She was single before right?
Now her relationship is her prior and occupies her emotional and personal time.

Thats your answer, she doesn’t need friends as much as before.

Bull, my daughter has done something similar trying to clean up the mess herself and not saying anything, she was 5. Of course, at that age their cleaning abilities are erm, primitive?
I suddendly noticed her going back and forth and went to check. Perfectly normal behaviour. She was embarrased. That´s kids for you.

I’ve read all the responses and there is nothing about him specifically saying he didn’t generally didn’t like children. He said he was glad they didn’t have kids and wouldn’t be having them. Which was perhaps undiplomatic but you interpreted that as his not liking children, but that is not necessarily the case.