To be disappointed & offended by this

[HazelPlayer]

Myself and a woman I met while working abroad (in her country( have kept an acquaintance going for 20 plus years now.

She moved to Germany for work a few years ago and has since got into a serious relationship with a German guy and shares his flat. She was mostly single before this relationship.

Both she and I have made the effort over the years to meet up once every few years.

Since she got into the relationship, they. visited my home country once. I could not accommodate them, due to renovations, but acted as their taxi driver for their stay, got them free National.Trust entry to a major attraction, and my h paid for meals out etc.
I think it was also the first time this woman met my dd, who was perhaps 5 at the time. She was very interested in her and affectionate towards her; and my DD reciprocated.

I then visited them with my DD in Germany, DD was 5/6 at the time, we stayed in their spare room. My dd's behaviour was no better or worse, I think, than any 5/6 year old child.
My acquaintance appeared to enjoy spending time with my DD, lots of videoing her. Her partner commented he "didn't know who was enjoying this the most" when they were playing in playparks etc.

My dd found their flat layout confusing/disorienting and when she had a sudden, urgent need to use the toilet - which she didn't tell me about because she was too embarrassed in front of this lady and her partner at the dining table - she couldn't find the toilet fast enough and soiled herself a bit. She then panicked and threw the soiled leggings and knickers into a corner of the spare room, nicely getting a couple of poo marks on the wall/bed frame.
I only discovered this when I wondered what she was doing and went looking for her, my long-term acquaintance was right on my heels so I had no chance to clean it up before she knew/got involved and she immediately had the sanitising wipes etc out. She seemed relatively matter of fact about it.

This happened a few hours before we left, I was extremely embarrassed but we didn't have much chance to talk about it.

After the visit, among various bits of convo, she mentioned that her partner has confirmed that he was glad they didn't have kids and wouldn't be having them. I found this slightly undiplomatic (which she can often be) but thought "ok, to each their own" and "I'd like to see him around an actual badly behaved kid". Also I spent an entire day of a three day stay entertaining myself and DD and navigating the city's transport system to go to a pool complex on my own, and didn't insist on doing a day out that they suggested for my DD because I thought of would be too tiring and demanding for everyone. I also bought food and gifts. So we weren't exactly demanding/crappy guests.

During that visit my acquaintance suggested we visit during the next summer (the summer just past) because it was the best time of kids. I didn't arrange it did various reasons, she was very much awol/unresponsive on communications so I thought I'd perhaps offended her by not visiting again. I therefore suggested that maybe we could visit in December, if that suited them.

She has now said that we could not stay with them because she "promised her partner she would not have kids to stay in the flat again".

This sort of rules out visiting her again in her (now) home base. Due to expense. Or I could shoulder the expense, but it makes me feel resentful about spending loads of money to visit someone who can't tolerate a child - and children grow up and change a lot (!!!) - for a night or two.
.
The flights there are not cheap, there's no flight from our local airports so we have to travel over 3 hours to a major one (during that visit we had the expense of airport hotels because of flight times) too. It would be heading for £1000 to Kay for flights and accommodation even without airport hotels ... . and this is to visit someone who takes the above line towards kids.
I could visit on my own sometime but tbh I'd just be thinking "I'm here on my own because you're too intolerant to host a not bad kid for a night or two". And my acquaintance was so interested in my DD that my DD would be wondering why she wasn't invited etc.

I don't think this is just him because she has quite a strong character. I don't think she'd be dictated to.

Aibu to feel a bit sad that a decades long acquaintance has come to this?

You say in your OP that

My dd's behaviour was no better or worse, I think, than any 5/6 year old child.

This suggests that even though in your opinion your daughter’s behaviour was normal for a 5-6 year old, your friend and her partner have found aspects of her behaviour quite trying and the poo on the wall was the straw that broke the camel’s back. And gave them a legitimate reason to say they’d rather you came on your own next time.

It’s life. Not everyone finds other people’s children as fascinating and adorable as their parents do, however good an act they might put on.

I do have kids - I wouldn't have been impressed either!

I think the friendship might be over. I wouldn't want to visit somewhere where my child is so unwelcome.
So unless she is willing to come and visit you you might have to not see each other.
It sounds as though both your priorities have changed since you met and you are now different people

OP you are clearly upset and I get it. Your poor daughter must have been so distressed and anyone who says their kids don’t have accidents…..
I think for the sake of your friendship I would give up on the visits. If you can keep in touch the two of you, chat/see each other online I think I would make that work instead of these long trips that are expensive.
This man clearly is not comfortable around children and that’s up to him.
But it’s not worth losing a friendship over.
Give your friend a bit of space and then perhaps message her about having the contact between the pair of you.
Friendships change we all lose a few along the way.
Most importantly, build up your friendships at home with other families with DC were shits and giggles are absolutely normal.

I didn't even mention her child and got insulted so that's not quite true is it?

I don't really see why you would expect your 'acquaintance' - someone you can't even bring yourself to call a friend and whose partner you clearly dislike - to be happy to have you visiting with your child. Not everyone likes kids or finds them easy to live with. She and her partner are a child-free couple by choice and probably don't want to spend time doing child-appropriate activities or seeing human shit on their walls.

Also, everyone has a different idea of behaviour is normal/acceptable for a child. I think most people have, at some point, met a child who they felt was badly behaved but whose parents felt was 'just being a normal 6-year-old' or 'just a bit excited' or whatever.

Personally, I think you're making a massive deal out of this and just need to shrug and accept that this friendship - sorry, acquaintanceship - isn't working.

All of this.

I didn’t even say you did. I was answering your question about “why the disdain”
and I was just saying why the op was showing disdain for various responses. I didn’t realise you were asking about disdain for your own responses.

I have many childless friends and long term distant friends (acquaintances you might say) one thing I realised is that until they have their own children you live very separate lives and the friendship doesn't always work the same as it did. With my childless (by choice) friends I would spend time with them without my DS but if they came to my home then they would understand my life is different. If I wanted to maintain the friendship with my childless friends I used to visit or meet them on my own. If you don't want to do that then I wouldn't invest any more time with them, sorry thats me. Move on, dont have to fall out but accept that your lives are different now.

I can understand why you feel upset and offended OP. I definitely wouldn't be considering arranging an expensive trip to see her.
The hard fact is that some people who don't have children are often removed from the reality of child rearing and all that comes with it ( not a criticism, just a statement of fact). The episode where your daughter didn't get to the toilet in time in an unfamiliar envt could have happened to anyone and you need to let that go. The partner's comment on never having kids was tactless but unlikely to have been made with bad intentions.
Please try and put this into context and let it go

Maybe he compromised last time and found it was a compromise too far! Maybe neither of them want to repeat the visit and he’s said it’s fine to use him as the excuse if it makes it more comfortable for his partner 🤷🏼‍♀️ who knows?

This is not unlikely.

This is utterly hilarious.

OP AIBU?

MN yes a bit cos kids ....

OP YOU'RE CUNTS!!!!!

MN er calm down love

OP I HATE ANYONE WHO SAYS ANYTHING I DONT AGREE WITH ON A THREAD I STARTED TO GET OPINIONS

MN

It's a bit early for popcorn but I'm here for it

🙄 oh please. That’s not the case, and you know it.

The episode where your daughter didn't get to the toilet in time in an unfamiliar envt could have happened to anyone

The accident could have, yes, but I'm really not convinced that it's normal for a Year 1 child to throw soiled clothes in a corner like that - and presumably then be wandering about half naked?

We're only ever disappointed because our expectations were unrealistic.

You expected the friendship to be a certain way because of the way you are.

She expected the friendship to be a certain way because of the way she is.

Neither of you are wrong or right. In your mind thank this opportunity to learn more about expectation & practice not having any - that's the way forward to never being disappointed.

It also sounds like it's time to let go of what you thought you had.

What exactly do you expect op to do with this comment? “Ahhhh a stranger on Mumsnet believes that my child isn’t normal simply for a bathroom accident aged 6. Gosh now I’m suddenly super worried about my child even though there is clearly nothing wrong with her throughout all this time raising her. I must get her to the doctor immediately!” 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Okay so she can come and visit you? And if she doesn't make the effort to do that either then you know where things stand.

Despite the gifts it kind of sounds like you wanted free holiday accommodation tbh

@SummerPeach I don't expect her to do anything 🤷‍♀️

Please list your qualifications that you have, that make you professionally qualified in assessing children’s behaviour as normal / abnormal.
i will wait……

But she’s on here asking for advice about a situation with a friend. She’s not asking for comments about whether or not someone believes her child to be normal. That’s just unnecessary and going to make her feel defensive isn’t it.

You're a spade.

I wasn’t suggesting the child did it with intent but no it’s not something I’d expect and I think it sounds like the friends were kind about it but not keen to have children in their home. It’s ok. I know it’s upsetting and awkward but they’re not really being unkind they’re just saying they don’t want to host at home. I think we need to remember that OP didn’t put them up when they visited her.

Comparing children to rats - Seriously why are you on Mumsnet? Disgusting comment.

I wasn't, just commenting. I too can understand why OP would be touchy about comments about her DD, but she's touchy about every comment, regardless of whether it even mentions her child.

TBH I hope she's left the thread now for the sake of her own blood pressure.