To be disappointed & offended by this

[HazelPlayer]

Myself and a woman I met while working abroad (in her country( have kept an acquaintance going for 20 plus years now.

She moved to Germany for work a few years ago and has since got into a serious relationship with a German guy and shares his flat. She was mostly single before this relationship.

Both she and I have made the effort over the years to meet up once every few years.

Since she got into the relationship, they. visited my home country once. I could not accommodate them, due to renovations, but acted as their taxi driver for their stay, got them free National.Trust entry to a major attraction, and my h paid for meals out etc.
I think it was also the first time this woman met my dd, who was perhaps 5 at the time. She was very interested in her and affectionate towards her; and my DD reciprocated.

I then visited them with my DD in Germany, DD was 5/6 at the time, we stayed in their spare room. My dd's behaviour was no better or worse, I think, than any 5/6 year old child.
My acquaintance appeared to enjoy spending time with my DD, lots of videoing her. Her partner commented he "didn't know who was enjoying this the most" when they were playing in playparks etc.

My dd found their flat layout confusing/disorienting and when she had a sudden, urgent need to use the toilet - which she didn't tell me about because she was too embarrassed in front of this lady and her partner at the dining table - she couldn't find the toilet fast enough and soiled herself a bit. She then panicked and threw the soiled leggings and knickers into a corner of the spare room, nicely getting a couple of poo marks on the wall/bed frame.
I only discovered this when I wondered what she was doing and went looking for her, my long-term acquaintance was right on my heels so I had no chance to clean it up before she knew/got involved and she immediately had the sanitising wipes etc out. She seemed relatively matter of fact about it.

This happened a few hours before we left, I was extremely embarrassed but we didn't have much chance to talk about it.

After the visit, among various bits of convo, she mentioned that her partner has confirmed that he was glad they didn't have kids and wouldn't be having them. I found this slightly undiplomatic (which she can often be) but thought "ok, to each their own" and "I'd like to see him around an actual badly behaved kid". Also I spent an entire day of a three day stay entertaining myself and DD and navigating the city's transport system to go to a pool complex on my own, and didn't insist on doing a day out that they suggested for my DD because I thought of would be too tiring and demanding for everyone. I also bought food and gifts. So we weren't exactly demanding/crappy guests.

During that visit my acquaintance suggested we visit during the next summer (the summer just past) because it was the best time of kids. I didn't arrange it did various reasons, she was very much awol/unresponsive on communications so I thought I'd perhaps offended her by not visiting again. I therefore suggested that maybe we could visit in December, if that suited them.

She has now said that we could not stay with them because she "promised her partner she would not have kids to stay in the flat again".

This sort of rules out visiting her again in her (now) home base. Due to expense. Or I could shoulder the expense, but it makes me feel resentful about spending loads of money to visit someone who can't tolerate a child - and children grow up and change a lot (!!!) - for a night or two.
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The flights there are not cheap, there's no flight from our local airports so we have to travel over 3 hours to a major one (during that visit we had the expense of airport hotels because of flight times) too. It would be heading for £1000 to Kay for flights and accommodation even without airport hotels ... . and this is to visit someone who takes the above line towards kids.
I could visit on my own sometime but tbh I'd just be thinking "I'm here on my own because you're too intolerant to host a not bad kid for a night or two". And my acquaintance was so interested in my DD that my DD would be wondering why she wasn't invited etc.

I don't think this is just him because she has quite a strong character. I don't think she'd be dictated to.

Aibu to feel a bit sad that a decades long acquaintance has come to this?

But OP always used to visit alone, what’s changed? Children don’t always need to come along to adult meet ups.

I feel it is him that is calling the shots and being an arse cos that's what he is.

Honestly, I liked him.

But maybe the visit was way more stressful for him than he showed/I realized.

And I genuinely don't have a clue if this decision is only coming from him.

It's almost laughable because I only offered to visit because I thought the radio silence meant she was offended we hadn't come in the summer. But by offering to visit, she's been forced to say this. If I hadn't suggested a visit, it wouldn't have needed said.

I think I’d try to separate your friend with her partner. If you’ve known each other for years, meet up with her in different places, without your child and her husband and have fun. Go to Paris, or Madrid or Dublin.

edited - I mean separate in your head, not try to split them up.

My friend invited us.

She talked about the best time of year for kids and the kid type things we should do

I felt I'd be disappointing her if I didn't bring my DD.

Right so she invited you, you all had a nice time, but maybe they found having a child around a little overwhelming (it might have nothing to do with the incident), so this time just book an Airbnb like you were going to before, or go alone. It really doesn’t have to be such a big deal, surely?

But it’s literally another country. To just say goodbye to your 6 year old and hop on a plane to another country away from your 6 year old for a weekend, is a lot!! And how might the child feel? Being left like that so mum can visit her friends who have banned herself!

And that’s fair and perfectly reasonable, I’m sure she enjoyed seeing your daughter, but why does it mean that going forward, she now always has to be invited?

I don’t mean this unkindly, but probably your friend won’t mind too much if you don’t bring your daughter. She possibly was being very polite and making an effort, but a lot of people prefer to see their friends without their kids. It does change the dynamic.

But the 6yo doesn’t need to know all that, @SummerPeach . As I said upthread, DD gets a lovely weekend of daddy/daughter time and DM gets to go off for a weekend with her friend. It’s not unheard of!

Where did I say that?

I was just clarifying the circumstances of the visit.

But OP presumably did it before when her daughter was even younger, so, again, what’s changed? I’m genuinely trying to understand, I just can’t get my head around it. Also she doesn’t need to tell her daughter she’s been ‘banned’, that would be daft, she just tells her she’s going away for some adult time with her friend.

I’d take it exactly as she said it. She loved having you, loved seeing your dd, but partner doesn’t have that relationship with you and would rather not put up with it.

No need to analyse your behaviour or theirs.

To be fair, the whole premise of your OP is that your DD isn’t invited?

But then why are you upset? Sorry op, I’m not trying to be goady, maybe I just don’t get it!

I'd have to lie to my DD about who I was visiting for her not to be confused and disappointed.

This lady was very very enthusiastic and affectionate towards me DD.

Before I suggested a Nov/Dec visit, she was trying to post her a furry coat that she thought might suit my DD.

It's a total turnabout.

I actually feel like maybe they wanted a "child" experience - because they were at last chance saloon for having kids and a bit on the fence about it. This she commented directly after that "X has now confirmed that he doesn't want kids/he's glad he doesn't have kids".
Having had it, they're like "yeah, effort off now" lol.

I know you're not trying to be goady, you're one of the best posters on this site. And have been for a long time.

I suppose I've tried to explain my feelings in the op etc.

If you genuinely like this lady and she adds value to your life, don’t spoil for a fight with her. Meet her in Rome and drink Aperol. Does it really matter? If her partner is hard work, she’d probably benefit from the break 😀

I was responding to the many posts about why I'd chosen to visit with my DD.

Most people assumed I decided that, not that my friend hea ily encouaged that.

That's what I was clarifying.

Ok.

I can see why her turnaround after being so welcoming to your daughter would be weird. Sounds like it’s not her though, but him. Be a shame to lose the friendship.

She introduced me to two nice gay guys there who live part-time in Turin, which they say is wonderful....so maybe Turin 😉

I guess it’s the reasoning behind her never being invited again. It’s the lack of empathy and understanding towards a small child when she was embarrassed. She’s being treated as though she’s been badly behaved, which she hasn’t.

There you go! I’m sure you can move on from this hiccup.

It's heartwarming to see some other posters actually show some understanding towards a young child who has had an embarrassing accident.

The other posters calling her gross and disgusting should be ashamed of themselves. They can keep their pristine unwelcoming homes for all I care.
Never have I seen such a bunch of uptight individuals except for on here. It really is quite something.

I just think you are different places now and her partner doesn't like kids. I'd just say that you cant really manage a visit staying elsewhere at the moment and leave it tbh.
Focus on spending.g your spare time snd money on what your dd would like to do and people who want to be with the both of you.

Wow, that’s a huge compliment, thank you! ☺️

I think I’ll have to accept this is one I can’t get my head around, but all I’d say is just make sure you’re not taking things too personally, remember it might not have anything to do with this ‘incident’, or any reflection on your daughter personally. It would be a shame to loose such a long friendship over a misunderstanding, if that’s what this is.