To be disappointed & offended by this

[HazelPlayer]

Myself and a woman I met while working abroad (in her country( have kept an acquaintance going for 20 plus years now.

She moved to Germany for work a few years ago and has since got into a serious relationship with a German guy and shares his flat. She was mostly single before this relationship.

Both she and I have made the effort over the years to meet up once every few years.

Since she got into the relationship, they. visited my home country once. I could not accommodate them, due to renovations, but acted as their taxi driver for their stay, got them free National.Trust entry to a major attraction, and my h paid for meals out etc.
I think it was also the first time this woman met my dd, who was perhaps 5 at the time. She was very interested in her and affectionate towards her; and my DD reciprocated.

I then visited them with my DD in Germany, DD was 5/6 at the time, we stayed in their spare room. My dd's behaviour was no better or worse, I think, than any 5/6 year old child.
My acquaintance appeared to enjoy spending time with my DD, lots of videoing her. Her partner commented he "didn't know who was enjoying this the most" when they were playing in playparks etc.

My dd found their flat layout confusing/disorienting and when she had a sudden, urgent need to use the toilet - which she didn't tell me about because she was too embarrassed in front of this lady and her partner at the dining table - she couldn't find the toilet fast enough and soiled herself a bit. She then panicked and threw the soiled leggings and knickers into a corner of the spare room, nicely getting a couple of poo marks on the wall/bed frame.
I only discovered this when I wondered what she was doing and went looking for her, my long-term acquaintance was right on my heels so I had no chance to clean it up before she knew/got involved and she immediately had the sanitising wipes etc out. She seemed relatively matter of fact about it.

This happened a few hours before we left, I was extremely embarrassed but we didn't have much chance to talk about it.

After the visit, among various bits of convo, she mentioned that her partner has confirmed that he was glad they didn't have kids and wouldn't be having them. I found this slightly undiplomatic (which she can often be) but thought "ok, to each their own" and "I'd like to see him around an actual badly behaved kid". Also I spent an entire day of a three day stay entertaining myself and DD and navigating the city's transport system to go to a pool complex on my own, and didn't insist on doing a day out that they suggested for my DD because I thought of would be too tiring and demanding for everyone. I also bought food and gifts. So we weren't exactly demanding/crappy guests.

During that visit my acquaintance suggested we visit during the next summer (the summer just past) because it was the best time of kids. I didn't arrange it did various reasons, she was very much awol/unresponsive on communications so I thought I'd perhaps offended her by not visiting again. I therefore suggested that maybe we could visit in December, if that suited them.

She has now said that we could not stay with them because she "promised her partner she would not have kids to stay in the flat again".

This sort of rules out visiting her again in her (now) home base. Due to expense. Or I could shoulder the expense, but it makes me feel resentful about spending loads of money to visit someone who can't tolerate a child - and children grow up and change a lot (!!!) - for a night or two.
.
The flights there are not cheap, there's no flight from our local airports so we have to travel over 3 hours to a major one (during that visit we had the expense of airport hotels because of flight times) too. It would be heading for £1000 to Kay for flights and accommodation even without airport hotels ... . and this is to visit someone who takes the above line towards kids.
I could visit on my own sometime but tbh I'd just be thinking "I'm here on my own because you're too intolerant to host a not bad kid for a night or two". And my acquaintance was so interested in my DD that my DD would be wondering why she wasn't invited etc.

I don't think this is just him because she has quite a strong character. I don't think she'd be dictated to.

Aibu to feel a bit sad that a decades long acquaintance has come to this?

OP, given your friend was so warm to your little girl, do you think she is in full agreement with her partner about not having children? Maybe that's another factor in all this.

It sounds to me like it might be nice for you and her to meet one another half-way for a weekend and just hang out and chat. It could clear the air a bit and make everything less dependent on your particular living circumstances. She might even feel able to confide in you if she's unhappy with her partner or if he's being overly controlling.

I can see that if he has a limited tolerance for socialising he might find children a bit tricky to be around as they require adjustments in the way he interacts, and maybe he is not confident enough about his social communication to take that on.

By the way, I do get why you feel a bit hurt but if you want to move on I'd say you need to have some time just with your friend to see if there's something behind all this.

This is what I don’t get with comments like this. You have kids yourself, and yet a 6 year old who has an embarrassing accident at your home means you ban them from ever visiting again?! Kids make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. Poo can be washed off. Unkindness not so easily removed with soap.

You must not have been around many young children. OP said her child was embarrassed hence why they threw their leggings for fear of the couple finding out. A 5/6 year old isn't really rational enough to push through embarrassment and do the right thing, are they?

Exactly. She wasn’t being naughty or gross, she was just embarrassed and that’s where the throwing her clothes came from. It accidentally touched the wall. Poor little thing. x

Yes - Some people’s comments on this are just not it at all.

Remember, the flat is the partners, not the friends. He was probably, not unreasonably, not that happy to discover poo over his walls and bed.

That being said, I don't think the poo incident is the main thing here. It just sounds like a casual friendship that has run its course. You're both living and working in different countries, and are in completely different stages of life.

I’m so confused by this. It seems like your relationship with her has never involved your child until she came to visit you. The next time you saw her, you took your child, fine. Why does that mean that all arrangements going forward need to involve her? This is your child free friend, not your daughters, and having her there completely changes the dynamic. Just because your friend enjoyed meeting your daughter, it doesn’t mean she then wants all meet ups to involve her. Can’t you just visit alone like you used to?

If she ever wants to come over to see you with her partner, definitely say you’d rather just meet up with her on her own.

Because we aren’t talking about leaving behind a sweater! We are talking about her literal daughter!! Who I might add is banned from their home! So yeah there’s no need to oversimplify it - it’s not simple.

This is a very good point. If she says no daughter then you can say no partner. Tell her she is welcome anytime but you'd be more comfortable if her partner either stayed home or booked into a hotel.

I actually think some posters are getting a weird satisfaction from being vicious towards OP’s DD. Very weird behaviour.

But unless she’s an exclusively breastfed baby, it’s perfectly possible, and quite usual, to go away for a weekend without your child, childcare permitting.

i agree. It is very worrying and eye-opening actually. Judging a 6 year old in such an aggressive way for a simple accident, I can’t actually believe the nastiness!

@SummerPeach well she did call posters cunts in a now deleted post so yes I think it IS it.

Depending on how the mother and child feel about the situation.

@SummerPeach why so invested that you're replying to everyone? 🧦

You're over reacting OP. This couple don't want to host children in their flat and have been honest about it. They may have found it more difficult than they politely let on at the time. They may have had a bad experience with a different child and now adopted a blanket rule. But not wanting to host your DD doesn't negate your friendship or the attention and interest they showed in her when visiting. If you can't afford or justify the expense of visiting then you won't be able to go, but it doesn't need to involve a fall out or bad feeling with a good friend.

I don't think this is just him because she has quite a strong character. I don't think she'd be dictated to

I think you might be being a bit unfair to your friend here. She was obviously very taken with your DD and probably loved that you brought her with you to visit. But it’s entirely possible that her DP was not quite as charmed, even if she was perfectly well behaved, and that the poo incident was the final straw as far as he was concerned. He’s her DP and she obviously loves him. She’s not going to put you and your DD over and above her relationship with him. And inviting you to stay in their home, when he has asked her not to, would be doing exactly that, even if she would happily have you both to stay again if she lived alone. Having a strong character with friends and family doesn’t always translate to having a strong character with a partner, especially if she’s been single for a while and is very keen not to be single again. She’s your friend. She might have unfortunate taste in men, but I don’t think she deserves you downgrading her to an acquaintance because her DP can’t or doesn’t want to deal with children.

I think you just have to accept that visiting her in the future is either going to have to be a solo trip, or going to have to wait until DD is a bit older. Or you could always meet up with her at a halfway point? Somewhere you’d both enjoy visiting, not cost prohibitive or a massive pain to get to, and somewhere where you could spend time together, as well as doing your own thing.

Yep. Make it clear that he’s not wanted.

Why so invested you’re replying to me? What’s with the socks?

@HazelPlayer

Aw, your poor child, an accident and she tried to hide it cos she was in a strange place, sympathies. And you felt embarrassed, understandably in a way but these things happen.

Your friend is being highly unreasonable over a kid and though you say she's quite assertive, etc and it could be coming from both, I feel it is him that is calling the shots and being an arse cos that's what he is.

Either way, I wouldn't be having anything to do with them again if they can be so unbelievably unforgiving over a child having an accident. I wouldn't want thier pompous attitude in my life. She is not your friend anymore....too bad, move on.

Sounds as if your friend's partner can't cope with his space being invaded and finds young children quite threatening. The poo incident was most unfortunate and may have confirmed his worse fears, though it was almost certainly a one-off. If your friend feels it isn't fair on him to invite you to stay in their joint home because of this, she's right to tell you in advance rather than letting it go ahead and cause tension. Doesn't mean she likes you and DD any less than she did before.

I agree to be honest.

*Despite the gifts it kind of sounds like you wanted free holiday accommodation tbh

I like the coast and countryside.
I do not particularly like Northern cities.
My friend/acquaintance invited us to visit her.
She seemed enthusiastic about us visiting her.
I felt I should accept because she had made the effort to visit us in our country.
I tried to make the best of it with eg a pool complex visit.
She suggested we stay in her spare room.
I would have booked an Airbnb if she had suggested/encouraged us to stay with her.

SMH.