To be disappointed & offended by this

[HazelPlayer]

Myself and a woman I met while working abroad (in her country( have kept an acquaintance going for 20 plus years now.

She moved to Germany for work a few years ago and has since got into a serious relationship with a German guy and shares his flat. She was mostly single before this relationship.

Both she and I have made the effort over the years to meet up once every few years.

Since she got into the relationship, they. visited my home country once. I could not accommodate them, due to renovations, but acted as their taxi driver for their stay, got them free National.Trust entry to a major attraction, and my h paid for meals out etc.
I think it was also the first time this woman met my dd, who was perhaps 5 at the time. She was very interested in her and affectionate towards her; and my DD reciprocated.

I then visited them with my DD in Germany, DD was 5/6 at the time, we stayed in their spare room. My dd's behaviour was no better or worse, I think, than any 5/6 year old child.
My acquaintance appeared to enjoy spending time with my DD, lots of videoing her. Her partner commented he "didn't know who was enjoying this the most" when they were playing in playparks etc.

My dd found their flat layout confusing/disorienting and when she had a sudden, urgent need to use the toilet - which she didn't tell me about because she was too embarrassed in front of this lady and her partner at the dining table - she couldn't find the toilet fast enough and soiled herself a bit. She then panicked and threw the soiled leggings and knickers into a corner of the spare room, nicely getting a couple of poo marks on the wall/bed frame.
I only discovered this when I wondered what she was doing and went looking for her, my long-term acquaintance was right on my heels so I had no chance to clean it up before she knew/got involved and she immediately had the sanitising wipes etc out. She seemed relatively matter of fact about it.

This happened a few hours before we left, I was extremely embarrassed but we didn't have much chance to talk about it.

After the visit, among various bits of convo, she mentioned that her partner has confirmed that he was glad they didn't have kids and wouldn't be having them. I found this slightly undiplomatic (which she can often be) but thought "ok, to each their own" and "I'd like to see him around an actual badly behaved kid". Also I spent an entire day of a three day stay entertaining myself and DD and navigating the city's transport system to go to a pool complex on my own, and didn't insist on doing a day out that they suggested for my DD because I thought of would be too tiring and demanding for everyone. I also bought food and gifts. So we weren't exactly demanding/crappy guests.

During that visit my acquaintance suggested we visit during the next summer (the summer just past) because it was the best time of kids. I didn't arrange it did various reasons, she was very much awol/unresponsive on communications so I thought I'd perhaps offended her by not visiting again. I therefore suggested that maybe we could visit in December, if that suited them.

She has now said that we could not stay with them because she "promised her partner she would not have kids to stay in the flat again".

This sort of rules out visiting her again in her (now) home base. Due to expense. Or I could shoulder the expense, but it makes me feel resentful about spending loads of money to visit someone who can't tolerate a child - and children grow up and change a lot (!!!) - for a night or two.
.
The flights there are not cheap, there's no flight from our local airports so we have to travel over 3 hours to a major one (during that visit we had the expense of airport hotels because of flight times) too. It would be heading for £1000 to Kay for flights and accommodation even without airport hotels ... . and this is to visit someone who takes the above line towards kids.
I could visit on my own sometime but tbh I'd just be thinking "I'm here on my own because you're too intolerant to host a not bad kid for a night or two". And my acquaintance was so interested in my DD that my DD would be wondering why she wasn't invited etc.

I don't think this is just him because she has quite a strong character. I don't think she'd be dictated to.

Aibu to feel a bit sad that a decades long acquaintance has come to this?

My friend/acquaintance (!) has visited me two or three times before their visit together.
Then there was their visit

She's seen a lot of this region.

When she stayed before, my family and I drove her to all the sights.

They prioritise travel and go to lots of exotic places, and so I doubt they will be very motivated to visit here again in the foreseeable future.

Ah, don't worry about posters who deliberately misinterpret what you've written. A lot of folks in here for whom comprehension is not a strong point.

I can understand why you feel hurt and disappointed, and I can see that your friends are very naive about the reality of young children.

Yeah I live far from my friends and rarely see them any more but when I do I go without my kids.

They are MY friends from my life not as a mother. Frankly I don't care what anyone says but you can't actually chat with a friend and give attention to their life while also properly supervising/parenting young kids at the same time (teens maybe but it still changes the dynamic but certainly not little kids).

The parents who sit and ignore their kids (with strangers having to step in as guardians) so they can chat away like they have no responsibility are the worst kind of people. No a soft play does not mean you can 'just let the kids get on with it' (they have clear rules about supervision) and a coffee shops certainly don't. Its pure ignorance/selfishness of the burden they put on everyone else.

Just visit your friends alone as yourself not as a mother.

OP I totally understand you are offended. Your pals partner sounds unpleasant and I see how she may be torn but at the end of the day has to go along with partners wishes. Any adult should understand that a child becomes part of the package for a while and inviting someone without their children is just token when it's not possible.

I had a similar experience recently, a friend who lives overseas has been asking for years that we come and stay. Ds1 was a nightmare we couldn't bring him anywhere and then I had two more so my wings were clipped for many years. Now they are between 10 and 16 we finally went to visit this Summer. Friend insisted we stay and we purchased inflatable beds to be delivered. Friend couldn't do enough for us but the partner made it very obvious we weren't wanted. There were lots of rules about not eating in the house and timings of things. The partner wasn't rude to us and was quite nice but made comments constantly in front of us to my friend- maybe you could tell YOUR friends to not talk to loudly/ spend time in the shower etc. My pal was constantly anxious and fussing and I got the impression there was going to be a lot of payback or consequences for inviting us. I know I could never visit again with or without my kids as I have developed a very low opinion of the friends partner.

But then again you aren't too embarrassed to go back and I guess they could take after you...

What do you think your purpose for posting in this thread is?

What do you think you get out of it?

My child is only 3 and I’d still be mortified if they threw pooey trousers at someone’s wall and I wouldn’t want to stay again after that.

Things like that are particularly gross for non parents so you can’t blame him for being put off.

That's really stressful (during the visit).

And generally sad.

(And I'm afraid I'd be inclined to see that relationship as abusive).

Depends on the personalities involved though. Depends on how invested the mother is, in the friendships she’s nurturing. Choosing to take your time and energy away from your small children is a sacrifice (the time goes so fast and they aren’t little for long) and if it feels like the time away from your little family isn’t appreciated by the friend, then it’s not worth it in my opinion. Especially if my children are actually banned from that person’s home.

It is hurtful but at least she is being honest and establishing boundaries (not possible for you and your DD to stay in the flat). It is up to you now if you want to stay in a hotel and still visit or just let this go.

A lot of folks in here for whom comprehension is not a strong point.

It's par for the course on MN and particularly on Aibu.

I regularly feel incredibly sorry for posters.

oh I’ve lots of kids but don’t recognise your characterisation. Maybe your children are particularly annoying?

Actually having read your OP again I think you have to either stay elsewhere when you go (if it's Berlin you could get a nice hostel that would not be expensive) or go alone. In my experience of German culture, homes are very much a private space and being invited to stay is quite a big deal. They are often more reserved/private and it's clearly too much for her partner, and it's his flat. Maybe he's had a few too many house guests and has had enough, I don't think it's your fault or your child's it's just that he finds it too much. Past a certain point many people get tired of house guests, I know I have!

Honestly I stay away from Mumsnet for absolutely ages at a time. Then delve back in and then I’m always reminded why I stay away for long periods of time. It’s worrying to me that they are influencing young minds at home. The very quick assumptions and judgments are mind-boggling.

I briefly posted that my friend's partner has come under criticism for his social skills by another friend of hers.

I should add that there have been hints from my friend that he finds socialising difficult/has a limited tolerance.

He wasn't visibly stressed but maybe he doesn't show it much.

I don’t think I would extend an invite after the soiled leggings incident and I have children!!!

Ifs run it’s course op. No need to be hurt just move on.

There's a troll/bully/pile on/key board warrior contingent.

They allmost ruin this forum.

Thankfully there are still loads of great Mumsnetters.
The insight, the intelligence and the articulacy (I just made that word up) of some posters regularly blows my mind.

He may well find socialising difficult and having a child stay in his home hard, it is hard when you aren't used to kids. But he was reasonable when you were there, all he has said is that he doesn't want kids in his apartment and that is his right.

It is his home, and it sounds like he is ND, but even if he isn’t children aren’t for everyone op, it’s not personal.

Yea that is my fear. It wasn't so much what was said but the twitchy nervous reaction. My friend suggested one night we have a drink on the balcony and the partner didn't want to and said no, thats not happening and said something like 'I've allowed you bring a whole family into our home, isn't that enough?' and friend says of course we don't need to go on the balcony anyway and that was that. I'm still cringing thinking about it. They were very physical together holding hands and kisses which I thought was even weirder to be honest, I'd be shooting daggers at DH if he was rude to my guests!

Makes you wonder what on earth their life must be like to be so downgrading and condescending to a total stranger on here. I also really don’t understand the commenters who are generally downgrading about children - like why are you on Mumsnet?????? 🙃

This might come as a bit of a shock to you, but Mumsnet welcomes posters without children. There is even a Mumsnetters Witnout Children board.

Right. But why would someone be on here saying children are as dull as rats ????

And no - not a shock !! I know lots on here who are child free! It’s not that at all. It’s the downgrading way that some commenters refer to children. Like mumsnet hardly seems the place for that whether you have kids or not!

Sounds like your friend was a bit naive about the reality of a having a small child to stay. There’s a difference between playing with a kid in their own environment for a couple of hours and having them as a houseguest, in a foreign country, for three days.

The partner, and the fact it’s his flat, changes things further.

Ah I see I misunderstood your post, you weren’t actually asking why childfree posters are on Mumsnet. Apologies.