Do you shout at your children?

[autienotnaughty]

I grew up in an abusive home (emotionally abusive) and I got smacked as a child.

When I had my dds in my late teens I had no experience other than what I received . I did shout to tell them off and occasionally smacked their bum. (25 years ago)!im not proud

I trained in child care, worked with Sen children and learned to be a better parent.

Six years ago I had my son who is significantly autistic I never shout (obviously I sometimes get frustrated but I try not to use this in my parenting) i discipline if needed but mostly I try to help him figure things out/manage his environment.

I've had a lot criticism on my parenting from in laws , one adult dd and sometimes dh. Other adult dd (who works in a Sen school) backs me . Professionals I've spoken to such as senco, autism team will make similar suggestions in managing behaviour as do other autistic adults. I am also autistic.

The general consensus from those who disagree seems to be I need to get angry and punish. But I don't see the benefit in doing so.

Do you shout at your kids/get angry?

Yes occasionally when I am at the end of my tether. I try not to generally but sometimes have to if they push me too far. DH only has to raise his voice slightly and they will listen!

No, I will raise my voice and speak firmly but not shouting as such. I try to model the behaviour that I want from them.

Very occasionally, talking about maybe twice a year. No I don’t think it’s good parenting, I am trying my best to remain calm, but no I generally don’t raise my voice unless it’s in a playful way. What they are saying is that he should be frightened into behaving.

this is what I do too.
I grew up in a similar household OP.

No. It's not my nature. I tend to go quieter when I'm angry. DH occasionally shouts. I can see it makes no difference. Our DC are adults now
My DM would shout at us as children, but my DF never did. We never got smacked and I had seven full siblings I'd say I was probably quite scared of my dad despite this. He was a huge man, who could intimidate anyone with a look. He didn't need to raise his voice to rule with a rod od iron, so although I never shout or smack, I don't necessarily see it as a symbol of gentle parenting.

I do sometimes yes, she's 3 and I'm pregnant, things feel hard at the moment, but I do apologise to her.

You're doing the right thing, shouting isn't the way to go. I think you need to ask your in laws to stay out of it.

Yes, but rarely. Mostly when teen ds has pushed me to breaking point, and it's the only way to get through to him that he needs to STOP, NOW!!!!! Last year, maybe twice. Too often and it loses its shock value.

I think that teens need to know what it is like to be shouted at, because once they get out in the big bad world, sooner or later, someone will shout at them, and dissolving into floods of shocked tears is not going to help them. And they need to recognise it is a natural form of expressing anger and stress in others.

DS and I have a good close bond. I don't think he'd claim I abuse him. He occasionally shouts at me - last year, once, stressing over GCSEs - and that's ok with me. I'd rather he shout and tell me he is stressed than bottle it up.

He is not ND.

I have a handful of times when my kids were smaller, I was trapped in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship, exhausted and at the end of my tether. I got out, apologized to my kids for those times and haven’t shouted since, though I do speak firmly occasionally.

My kids are incredibly well-behaved so I definitely don’t think shouting is necessary. Clear boundaries and “natural”consequences (eg if you refuse to get off the PlayStation one day, you won’t be allowed on it the next) are much more effective IMO.

No.

I grew up in a house like you describe and I vowed my children would not grow up in fear.

Shouting achieves nothing as most children/people shut down and look to protect themselves: they literally stop listening.

I have found other strategies work much better with children. I would consider shooting at an autistic child to be abusive actually.

I’m quite relieved to see some of you have distinguished between shouting and raising your voice. I feel like I don’t do the former but I do definitely do the latter and have been feeling really guilty.

trouble is, I can say ‘put your shoes on’ in my normal voice 10 bazillion times and it’s only the final time when in frustration I say ‘PUT YOUR SHOES ON, NOW’ that I get two small children put down the craft/toys/books and scurry to actually put their shoes on, 5 minutes after I actually wanted them to. I try timers, reminders etc and nothing really works.

Any advice welcome, obviously:)

No, I discipline by being firm but don’t shout. I grew up with a volatile father and do my upmost not to follow in his footsteps.

I did a course called circle of security and it really helped with moments when kids push your buttons.

I imagine this is most of us. But I have started sometimes, instead of raising my voice, going up to sit next to her and whispering what I want her to do in her ear. It makes her laugh and quite often gets her moving much faster!

Yes unfortunately it's been more times than I'd like recently due to menopausal rage although I'm finding I'm a lot more patient than I was since starting hrt (still a way to go though) and I don't want to be that shouty parent. They don't listen to me half the time though and sometimes the only way I can get them to do things like put their shoes on when we have to be somewhere on time, after asking them nicely then firmly 6 times is to then raise my voice I hate it. Their dad only has to say firmly once and they do it! But there's no physicality and if I feel I really have gone ott on shouting I will always apologise to them and acknowledge that it's not a nice way to behave towards someone. It's definitely better since our 3 year old started sleeping through the night.

All of our kids seem to have no trouble apologising when they've not behaved well too so I'm taking that as a win, at least in demonstrating how to behave after you've behaved poorly.

I can count on one hand the number of times I have raised my voice over the last year, that's to anyone. It's not a very a shouty person. I don't find it helps situations.

Only time I'd shout is in an emergency. I want to make sure it is effective when needed

Firm boundaries and consistency coupled with respect and understanding. Model behaviours you like to see and set the example. You don't want your child to shout (don't shout at them).

Label and acknowledge big emotions, give them strategies to manage these emotions. Big emotions do not excuse bad behaviour so in my house there are natural consequences.

Everyone parents differently, trends and advice fluctuates continually.

This is not true at all. You don’t have to train teenagers to get them ‘used’ to being screamed at.

If you have a teen thet hasn’t been exposed to anger and shouting, they certainly do not desolve into tears! They distance themselves from those types of people, which is exactly why they won’t have issues with abusers and bullies.

Teens that are used to being treated with care and respect treat others in the same way, and attract friends that are of a similar nature.

My teens would think the problem lies with the person shouting and would leave to it, as they should.

You don’t mistreat children to ‘toughen’ them up, you treat them well so they know what to expect and look for in later life!

I did sometimes shout when my DC were younger, but it was something I tried to avoid, it was a sign that I had lost control of my own emotional regulation.

Yes, but only once I've lost my patience. She's 7 and possibly ADHD and does really push me. I wish I didn't though.

I grew up in a similar house, and have made a conscious effort with DS not to shout, so no.

That being said, I only have 1 DS and he's reasonably well behaved ~ I'm sure I would've lost my cool by now if it were more challenging (and I still have the teen years to come 🫠)

Yes. I recognise that when I do it’s because I’ve lost control of my own emotions. It’s something I work on and try to avoid. But I do more often than I’d like to admit. I’m a loud, highly strung person and it’s something I’m constantly working on but I haven’t yet eliminated it. I always apologise if I’ve overstepped.

Occasionally when I've lost my rag, but it's a moment when I've unfortunately lost control not something I actually want to do.

Shouting absolutely does not work to modify behaviour, just upsets everyone. Only time it's useful is to shock stop them from doing something dangerous, like walking out in a road etc.

Yes but I don’t call him names like mum did to me

Nope shouting solves nothing.

Yes I do when they've pushed me to the edge and they just aren't listening - so I have to shout over the noise and arguing

I never shouted when i just had the one child - she was so well behaved but throw 3 in the mix and I'm outnumbered. Wonder how many of these "I would never shout" parents have only 1 child 🤔

I do - on the very very odd occasion and usually when I’ve already asked nicely about 10 times and been completely ignored. However I always apologise to DD afterwards, and have a conversation about how my reaction wasn’t her fault and I should have done better. Equally, if she shouts at me, we have a similar conversation about how it should have been handled better so there is that mutual respect for each other.

I also grew up in a household where my mother would hit us and scream at us rather than talking all the time - she never ever apologised and I just remember going into school or going to bed crying most days (and we have a pretty shit relationship now I’m an adult and have realised those faults growing up) and I vowed that DD would never experience that.