Do you shout at your children?

[autienotnaughty]

I grew up in an abusive home (emotionally abusive) and I got smacked as a child.

When I had my dds in my late teens I had no experience other than what I received . I did shout to tell them off and occasionally smacked their bum. (25 years ago)!im not proud

I trained in child care, worked with Sen children and learned to be a better parent.

Six years ago I had my son who is significantly autistic I never shout (obviously I sometimes get frustrated but I try not to use this in my parenting) i discipline if needed but mostly I try to help him figure things out/manage his environment.

I've had a lot criticism on my parenting from in laws , one adult dd and sometimes dh. Other adult dd (who works in a Sen school) backs me . Professionals I've spoken to such as senco, autism team will make similar suggestions in managing behaviour as do other autistic adults. I am also autistic.

The general consensus from those who disagree seems to be I need to get angry and punish. But I don't see the benefit in doing so.

Do you shout at your kids/get angry?

I'm afraid I have done a lot when they were little. I'm quite an easygoing attentive mum but for 5 days I have terrible PMDD. I have 3 kids all ND a mix of AuDHD, ASD and ADHD. So a heady mix of emotions.
It was the mornings that were worst. I often explained to them that I sometimes ended up shouting because I have to ask them to do most things at least 3 times each which would be 9 times for each thing. Sometimes if was more on one bit and less on nother but because they were easily distracted because of being ND it averaged out. Couldn't ask them at the same time as needed to separate them as one of them had a tendency to be violent in the morning.
So getting dressed (9), eating breakfast (9), brush teeth (9) brush hair/wash face (9), get PE kit/swimming stuff/instrument/homework in bags(9), but lunch box in bag (9) put on shoes (9), put on coat (9). Let alone all the fighting between them, the inability to decide what to wear or eat that morning despite pre planning it.
So that's 72 times of asking every morning. Over the years I tried charts and pictures and using sign language, big voice, little voices, getting everything ready before, talking about it the night before. But nothing much changed so eventually every few days I would shout. It made everyone feel bad but always got them out the door.
They are teens now and we have a good relationship, I almost never shout now. I think I prefer shouting than when people go really quiet. MIL does this and I find it terrifying! She then also holds a grudge for days whereas I get annoyed and then get over it in a few minutes. Apologise for shouting and being silly and we're friends again.

Incredibly rarely, like about 3 times in 22 years. I have been known to raise my voice of a morning when we are meant to have left the house and a 14 year old realised he doesn’t know where he left his shoes and hasn’t packed a bag and then starts a hunt for headphones but I think that’s understandable

Yes. When I've been repeatedly ignored then I shout.

Yes I occasionally do sometimes mainly when he does something dangerous or about to accidentally hurt someone and I'm aware I need to work on it. My ds is extremely hard work with suspected adhd and he is very difficult to parent. Everything is uphill. I feel very guilty when I do as it's not his fault for being the way he is. I get overwhelmed by him a lot and he is extremely physically and mentally full on.

Now that they are teenagers.

Yes it happens. It's better than murdering then.

When they were younger only in safety/danger situation. E.g don't run into traffic.

My childhood, parenting and professional experiences are all more or less in line with yours, OP. I don’t shout at my youngest because I understand the impacts of this now, but did with my eldest. Yet still I find myself wondering if I’m being too gentle with my youngest. I’m torn between research around child development and psychology which suggests more gentle approaches, and family, friends (and MNers!) who tut at my apparent “gentle parenting”. Recently, whenever DS is having a meltdown, I find myself panicking about what the best response is. Do I go with my gut and be gentle with clear boundaries, or do I take the advice of everyone else and tell him off? It’s a conundrum.

Very rarely. I tend to change my tone more than shout. My DD doesn't like that either, but I always point out that she could have avoided my stern voice by doing what she was told the third time when I asked her nicely.

Yes, only the saintly never shout at teenagers lol 😂

But, yes, I did, if needed. No harm done, as they’re in their 40’s now, and our relationship has always been great. 🙂

Interesting that one here no-one shouts at their kids or very rarely but in IRL I don't know a single parent who doesn't shout at their kids (not all the time but certainly not the perfect parents on here who never shout).
I don't shout at my kids now they are older 18 and 16 but I did when they were younger, especially as they used to wind eachother up all the time. It doesn't seem to have affected them. Was it my best moments? Of course not but I don't think it does kids any harm to know that mum has limits too.
I would agree there is no need for smaking, screaming or name calling.

No, neither DH or I are shouters.
I've occasionally used a sharper tone but I can genuinely say I have never heard DH raise his voice to the kids. 3 children.

To be honest my parenting would be most people of Mumsnet's worst nightmare. We are definitely a shouty family and pretty much anti gentle parenting.

I don't ask my kids for permission or ask them if they want to do something. Being in charge and having authority doesn't need to be a bad thing. I think children need authority in their life and the high levels of anxiety we are seeing in teens is probably a result of this.

I have conversations with DS about why XYZ was the wrong choice and why ABC is what he should do next time etc etc. I don't want to shout or punish him, I want to train him up so that he knows right from wrong and how to behave. We allow him to experience natural consequences rather than arbitrary punishments.

But when I've asked nicely/respectfully/reasonably approximately 124 times to stop carrying on and put his shoes on etc. I will then flick the banshee switch and get it done. The natural consequence of him being late for school and me being late for work hold no power here.

I think most parents will shout at their kids at some point, and not use abusive language as a disciplinary measure. It’s obviously different if you have a disabled or ND child but even then you’re still working within the boundaries of their understanding of right and wrong. Children do need boundaries, whether literally shouting is the way is highly dependent on the situation at hand.

Yes

There's a clear middle way, try Janet Lansbury if you haven't already! Life changing for me! 🙏🏼

Occasionally, but only when I've been pushed and pushed to the the point of tearing my hair out in frustration. It's not part of any planned parenting strategy on my part. I don't think shouting at kids generally achieves much.

I grew up constantly in fear of a smack off my mother and remember the relief when I woke up and she was in a good mood. We would be hit even for small, unintentional things such as accidentally spilling a bit of water on the floor.

I once got beaten for being unable to use the toilet at a time she commanded me to.

So, no I never hit my children and very rarely shout. Perhaps once or twice a year, if that.

My kids are autistic and I've found that being patient and understanding is what works. It is exhausting but they are rarely badly behaved. The things that they do are things as a result of their disabilities. Such as being unable to remember to pack their schoolbag or taking 10 minutes to put one shoe on. I've learnt that if I have a time deadline, I need to help my teen child get dressed. Things are improving slowly. They will just need that bit of extra time to learn independence.

My kids are horrified by the takes I tell them about my Mum. She has never met them and never will.

Yes I do, when I'm overly stressed or tired. And I hate it wholeheartedly. I have a similar experience growing up, and I can see so clearly that when it happens (that I yell) I'm reacting from a very deep and wounded place. I hate it. I'm working with strategies to identify triggers and not get to the breaking point, but it's hard.
Shouting to a child is only "useful" to instill fear in them, and making them live in fear is awful and abusive. You are doing the right thing, imo. Respect to you because I know how difficult it is 🙏

I’m not sure which thread you’re reading? Lots of posters on here admit to occasionally shouting at their kids.

No. Raised firm voice.
Take a minute behind the door to flap and inwardly scream bloody murder 😂

But my LO has needs, if I lose my cool it's game over.

I grew up in a shouting home and it just fills me with panic, even if I shout I can feel my heart start racing and I sweat.
But tbh I don't see shouting provides any results. I know if someone shouts at me, I have no idea what they are saying.
All that follows from shouting is an hour or so of tears and a horrible atmosphere.

But I think it depends on the "shouting" there's the unemotional demand shouting or the hostile vicious tone shouting also what is shouted, if it's a "stop that now" or a "F you little S" all makes a whole difference.

Yes exactly that

I don't care what they think but it seems to get dh thinking their way

No but I do raise my voice if DS doesn't respond to being told off in a normal voice. I think 'shouting' suggests you have lost control.

I don't remember being shouted out at as a child. Perhaps a couple of times.

Not really seeing the difference between shouting and raising your voice tbh.

But yes I do if needed.

I very rarely shouted but I was firm.
One of my now adult sons was laughing a couple of weeks ago about how I threw his action man out of the bedroom window because I'd asked him to tidy his room and he decided to play with it instead.
I honestly can't remember doing that.
I was creased up when he said ' I wouldn't mind, but he didn't even have his parachute on ' 🤣