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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you shout at your children?

107 replies

autienotnaughty · 15/10/2024 04:59

I grew up in an abusive home (emotionally abusive) and I got smacked as a child.

When I had my dds in my late teens I had no experience other than what I received . I did shout to tell them off and occasionally smacked their bum. (25 years ago)!im not proud

I trained in child care, worked with Sen children and learned to be a better parent.

Six years ago I had my son who is significantly autistic I never shout (obviously I sometimes get frustrated but I try not to use this in my parenting) i discipline if needed but mostly I try to help him figure things out/manage his environment.

I've had a lot criticism on my parenting from in laws , one adult dd and sometimes dh. Other adult dd (who works in a Sen school) backs me . Professionals I've spoken to such as senco, autism team will make similar suggestions in managing behaviour as do other autistic adults. I am also autistic.

The general consensus from those who disagree seems to be I need to get angry and punish. But I don't see the benefit in doing so.

Do you shout at your kids/get angry?

OP posts:
Newcarforchristmas · 15/10/2024 12:58

I never shout unless someone is about to do something dangerous and I need them to stop immediately but do raise my voice, almost always I will apologise after and explain that I got a bit frustrated and I’m sorry for raising my voice. My children sometimes do the same, I asked my DD6 to tidy her room the other day and she just exploded and really yelled at me, five minutes later she came and apologised and said she was looking for the hairband that she was using to put her dolls hair up and she got ‘really angry because she couldn’t find it and then I started asking her to do things’… poor kid got overwhelmed and I can totally understand that!
I think it’s human nature to sometimes get cross/frustrated/overwhelmed and it’s honestly fine as long as it’s handled properly and you’re not being intimidating or anything!

ladygindiva · 15/10/2024 13:23

Singleandproud · 15/10/2024 12:57

@ladygindiva Good old ones, count to 10 before responding, take deep breaths in the process.

Tone and pitch: You want to be Patrick Stewart / Judi Dench rather than a high pitched, hyper fast speaker. Lower your chin when you talk so that your voice is lower rather than angry and shrill which happens if you tilt your chin up and speak from the throat rather than chest, speak slowly and clearly. It gives you control of the situation and until you can respond like that step away from the situation, providing nobody is in immediate danger.

Body language: Stand still when you speak, no manic gesturing. Legs apart arms by your side not crossed infront of you, in the middle of a room not in a corner or doorway. Don't have things in front of you as a barrier like a table.

Thankyou!

Valeyard14 · 15/10/2024 14:15

You want to be Patrick Stewart / Judi Dench

That upbringing would be awesome.

Tittat50 · 15/10/2024 14:29

My upbringing was ' different' also. Witnessing physical abuse, emotional manipulation, emotional neglect. I have always always tried so hard to not be anything like this. I have lost it spectacularly a few times over the years. And I believe that it takes a certain mix of life ingredients to make it almost impossible sometimes not to lose it.

The people who reply with understanding and support will probably share some of the life ingredients that you have. It's difficult to compare and ask for relatable responses from people who have no comprehension.

One key ingredient I refer to is parenting an ND child. Everyone is different of course but this generally can involve living life whereby you are on high alert almost continually, judged appallingly by family and strangers, maybe friends behind your back. And anyone who thinks they can relate who doesn't parent in this scenario simply cannot.

I shouted and swore at my young teen recently. I completely lost it and even cried after. Because, my capacity has completely gone with the multitude of life challenges I have before me. Every single one of us has the capacity to be the mum we didn't want to be if there's enough stress there.

The one huge difference you can make compared to your parents is to acknowledge, take responsibility, be accountable and authentically apologise when necessary.

There will however be moments where you might be well reasoned to think - I'm human, this job, in this situation, is very tough. Your behaviour is incredibly difficult right now and you are seeing a very natural human response to that difficult behaviour.

ladygindiva · 15/10/2024 20:09

Tittat50 · 15/10/2024 14:29

My upbringing was ' different' also. Witnessing physical abuse, emotional manipulation, emotional neglect. I have always always tried so hard to not be anything like this. I have lost it spectacularly a few times over the years. And I believe that it takes a certain mix of life ingredients to make it almost impossible sometimes not to lose it.

The people who reply with understanding and support will probably share some of the life ingredients that you have. It's difficult to compare and ask for relatable responses from people who have no comprehension.

One key ingredient I refer to is parenting an ND child. Everyone is different of course but this generally can involve living life whereby you are on high alert almost continually, judged appallingly by family and strangers, maybe friends behind your back. And anyone who thinks they can relate who doesn't parent in this scenario simply cannot.

I shouted and swore at my young teen recently. I completely lost it and even cried after. Because, my capacity has completely gone with the multitude of life challenges I have before me. Every single one of us has the capacity to be the mum we didn't want to be if there's enough stress there.

The one huge difference you can make compared to your parents is to acknowledge, take responsibility, be accountable and authentically apologise when necessary.

There will however be moments where you might be well reasoned to think - I'm human, this job, in this situation, is very tough. Your behaviour is incredibly difficult right now and you are seeing a very natural human response to that difficult behaviour.

This resonates. Thanks for taking the time to post this, I found it quite reassuring x

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 15/10/2024 20:17

My, my, aren't you all a load of saints tonight!😇😇😇

Didimum · 15/10/2024 20:21

Yes, but it’s controlled and deliberate. Not a shouting rant. I raise my voice and sharply and succinctly tell them if they are behaving unacceptably and what behaviour I expect from them. When they are ignoring me or doing something dangerous it brings them back to expectations.

NowImNotDoingIt · 15/10/2024 21:10

Yes, occasionally. If I'm OTT or it's because I have an issue (has happened on occasion), I apologise. If not, it is what it is or " well, if you'd listened the first 5 times, I wouldn't have to shout, would I?". Grin

StressedQueen · 15/10/2024 21:15

I definitely raise my voice but proper shouting is a definite no. DH has really bad issues stemming from his mum shouting at him a lot as a kid and he's definitely recovered but we are both adamant we won't do that. It doesn't work at all with older children anyway - they just shout back and argue!! Nothing gets solved. We are definitely not "gentle parenting" - that would not work for us unfortunately!! But proper shouting is just a no, I don't want my kids to only listen to me because they are scared.

liveforsummer · 15/10/2024 21:25

Yes. Generally when they are fighting with each other to the point it drives me insane, or when I've asked for them to do something simple 15 times and been ignored! Not for general behaviour correction though

bellocchild · 15/10/2024 21:34

Actually - just occasionally! - it does children good to realise that you can push adults too far and they will snap. Ok if you all calm down and make up afterwards.

FlippyFloppyShoe · 15/10/2024 21:37

From being little my dc have said 'stop shouting' when I am not...I can get a firm tone in my voice without raising my voice and get accused of shouting by them so 🤷 tbh they are teens and wind each other up no end. I'm not going to pretend I don't shout but equally I don't think this automatically makes me a bad parent or my parenting lacking, there are far worse things that I could do than raise my voice in exasperation. I don't name call or get physical and I doubt my DC are scared of me as they are bigger than me. I wish people would move away from the rhetoric that anyone who shouts is a bad parent...you can be a terrible parent and not shout.

FlippyFloppyShoe · 15/10/2024 21:42

Nezuko22 · 15/10/2024 09:46

Not really seeing the difference between shouting and raising your voice tbh.

But yes I do if needed.

Also this

sunflowersngunpowdr · 15/10/2024 21:53

Yep. They still don't listen.

NowImNotDoingIt · 15/10/2024 21:53

sunflowersngunpowdr · 15/10/2024 21:53

Yep. They still don't listen.

GrinGrinGrin

Drawfulofbitz · 15/10/2024 21:58

What’s the difference between shouting & raising your voice?

Drawfulofbitz · 15/10/2024 22:00

I will say loudly & firmly “put your coat away right now“ & will shout in a relaxed voice “dinners ready”

Idontlikeyou · 15/10/2024 22:05

A little bit, usually when at the end of my tether. It’s more of a very loud impatient voice rather than a full on yell.

Unless she is about to do something really dangerous- she got properly shouted at the other day for doing something (not malicious but thoughtless) that could have hurt one of our cats. I absolutely bellowed and it got the message across. It’s a hard line for me with the animals (DD usually very good and sensible/kind but was being silly).

I try not to be a shouty parent often though as it loses all effectiveness then. But I don’t think it hurts occasionally.

BertieBotts · 15/10/2024 22:07

I don't do it as a deliberate strategy as I am vv aware it doesn't help - but DS1 has ADHD, DS2 is awaiting assessment for ADHD and ASD, and I have a 3yo as well - it's a lot and sometimes it's the only way to be heard over the madness, and/or I just get to my limit and then go over it before I can stop myself.

It's actually really counterproductive with DS2 in particular, because he can get extremely anxious and I am starting to really see how the anxiety is actually the root of all his challenging behaviour. Whereas DS1 had issues with impulse control and needed structure, DS2 has elements of that but also struggles a lot generally just to cope with the world, and then has outbursts as a result of those struggles. So what helps the most with him is actually the very opposite - being calm and predictable and soothing.

I am much better now than I was when DS1 was little (he is 16 now). I seemed to shout at him a lot I didn't really know how else to get him to do stuff with any urgency, other than just getting louder and closer, and it did seem to work even though I found the whole charade stressful and felt guilty about it. At some point he got to an age where I felt that urgency was not really a part of my responsibility any more, and I have never shouted at him since then and probably won't ever again, unless it's some kind of warning of danger.

I tend to manage urgency now by being more proactive rather than trying to do everything at the last moment and wondering why it didn't work. But I also have ADHD, so I think I am quite quick to leap into an emotional response, I have got better at this with more awareness of it, and more organised with helps with being proactive and predictable too.

In general, anger and threats of punishment aren't good strategies, even with NT kids. I know that some people hold onto it as an approach, but it's very old fashioned. I understand that basically, if you make your kids scared of you/your reaction/the punishment you might give, you'll gain a level of compliance which means you can effectively control them when they are small enough, but it's more a smokescreen of control because when they are older they simply learn to hide things effectively, or do it one way in front of you and something totally different when you're not there.

According to what behaviour research tells us now, punishment doesn't actually cause behaviour change - I think this is one of the most surprising things, but also, when you think it through it's logical too - even though plenty of good parents use mild punishment and their kids aren't terrorised, apparently they have now found it's not actually the punishment (or threat of) which is causing the lasting change in behaviour, it's all the good constructive positive stuff you're doing around it, like setting them up to succeed, praising them for doing the right thing, helping them work their way through problems or obstacles, supporting them in building skills, talking about reasons and empathy, making things fun, modelling the behaviour and values you expect etc. Mild punishment can apparently support goals that are being led by these things and might help establish rules/norms more quickly particularly within groups, but it does not cause behaviour change on its own, and it's quite costly in terms of the fact it erodes trust and may build a sense of resentment and opposition. The only thing that it can achieve on its own is compliance, which is temporary.

The opposition thing won't matter for the majority of children if, after the fact, they feel the punishment is fair and you overall have a good relationship. It might still erode trust in that they may avoid telling you things if they think you won't like them doing it. But again this is likely very minor if you have a good, open, communicative relationship in general. It is not the end of the world to use it as a shortcut sometimes. But in general, parenting should be focused on other strategies.

BrushedSuede · 15/10/2024 22:10

My parents never shouted at me. Or hugged me, or told me they loved me.
I would happily have had them demonstrate some sort of emotion towards me either way rather than nothing.

I hug my DCs every day and tell them I love them. And occasionally shout.

Tangerinenets · 15/10/2024 22:11

Yes I’m a shouter. My kids are all adults now but I definitely did my fair share if shouting when they were little. I’ve never smacked them.

LittleMissPollyHadADolly · 15/10/2024 22:15

Yes but only when I'm pushed to my limit. I see shouting as a weakness, a loss of self control.

I'm usually a calm person and even people who know me well would never imagine I could get angry.

I've never raised my voice to anyone apart from my own children and I'm so ashamed to say that 😢

Jennyathemall · 15/10/2024 22:26

Only when they piss me off…

NorthernGirlie · 15/10/2024 22:26

No. I'm a teacher and never shout at work either. I hate it when ds tells me about teachers at his school shouting at his peers.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/10/2024 22:54

Do I never shout. I would only do this if necessary to prevent injury eg if he was about to run into a road I'd shout 'stop' or 'look' or 'no'