Do you shout at your children?

[autienotnaughty]

I grew up in an abusive home (emotionally abusive) and I got smacked as a child.

When I had my dds in my late teens I had no experience other than what I received . I did shout to tell them off and occasionally smacked their bum. (25 years ago)!im not proud

I trained in child care, worked with Sen children and learned to be a better parent.

Six years ago I had my son who is significantly autistic I never shout (obviously I sometimes get frustrated but I try not to use this in my parenting) i discipline if needed but mostly I try to help him figure things out/manage his environment.

I've had a lot criticism on my parenting from in laws , one adult dd and sometimes dh. Other adult dd (who works in a Sen school) backs me . Professionals I've spoken to such as senco, autism team will make similar suggestions in managing behaviour as do other autistic adults. I am also autistic.

The general consensus from those who disagree seems to be I need to get angry and punish. But I don't see the benefit in doing so.

Do you shout at your kids/get angry?

I have shouted when at the end of my tether but I don't think it's the best way to deal with bad behaviour and I've always felt bad after!
I will usually change my tone/use a firm voice so they know I'm serious- but not shout.
I have never smacked them.
It sounds like you're doing a great job to me

Occasionally I shout, but when I do it's because I've lost control of my anger rather than I use shouting to 'discipline' my child. I always apologise afterwards and say I shouldn't have lost my temper, even grownups make mistakes... I try to treat my nearly 7yo as my equal in terms of respect and emotions.
I don't thinking shouting should ever be used as a parenting tool, but it's ok to see it for what it really is - anger, which is a normal human emotion.

Yes tbh. I think I’ve failed to train them to listen so I ask nicely a few times and then shout. So go get coats and shoes on we are leaving in five. Five minutes later come on now it’s time to go coats and shoes please. Five minutes after that I’m at the bottom of the stairs bellowing coats, shoes, car now and they leap into action.

I have had so many long tedious conversations about how we need to listen blah de blah. The 14 yo is actually really good now the 11 yo is an utter pain still. he can vanish off to get dressed and have decided to do some random Lego building and still be in pjs when everyone else is ready.

I don’t really shout, although I do occasionally raise my voice and my tone certainly changes! He knows when I mean business anyway 🤣 I only have one, so far, and he’s three, so I can’t speak for the rest of his childhood but ruling by shouting and screaming and generally scaring my kids has never been something I ever wanted to do. I grew up in an abusive household and I want different for my children.

When pushed to the very limits, I will shout. Not in anger, but out of stress and frustration. Not that it makes any difference to how it sounds. I don't tend to shout AT my children, but in their general vicinity in a 'Oh for God's sake ...' kind of way. On the odd occasion that I do shout AT them, I feel very ashamed of myself and will apologise for not handling the situation in a better way.

Sometimes, not often but occasionally exasperation or fear will get the better of me. I do apologise afterwards. It doesn’t work for my eldest anyway, he just yells back.

Actually kids winding each other up and hitting each other in the back of the car does make me shout. Partly as it’s dangerous, distracting the driver is not a good thing. They are hurting each other over something ridiculous and pointless. I have pulled over ( when safe) and said I’ll just wait till you’re done but I’ve often shouted at them to behave.

I try not to. I’m 22 years into this parenting journey and of course there have been bumps in the road and times where my parenting has been less than perfect, but I grew up with a shouty mum and try not to be the same.
It’s harder though, when your own experience isn’t what you want to be like.

My kids are ND too. One has no concept of authority, so if I shout, he just shouts back. I have to take a more collaborative approach with him.
The other is really sensitive and I feel terrible if I shout - he doesn’t hear what I say anyway. Just loud angry noise.

There are more effective ways to communicate.

I try not to. Sometimes I do but that’s my issue - there’s only so much I can take of things that are massively frustrating.

I do agree that it does no good.

Punishing rarely does any good with ND children either.

Yes now and again.

Fighting in the car needs a quick and immediate response- it’s incredibly dangerous.

No. I've never been a shouty parent. Mainly because I was raised in a very shouty house and it was horrible. Fortunately my DH wasn't, he can't remember his parents ever raising their voices, and he helped me to learn how to be a more relaxed, calm parent. I'm far from perfect, but I don't shout.

Unfortunately, yes I do. I really despise myself for doing it and I always try to apologise for it afterwards, but there's nothing that brings you to the end of your rope like two hormonal teenagers arguing.

Yes I do shout. My kids are very high energy and would probably be considered Naughty. They fight, they get loud, don't do as they are told, jump and climb on everything.
It's not always possible to remain calm and softly spoken.
I wouldn't say it is abusive. I didn't grow up with shouting but it was never necessary as I was very well behaved and responded well to instructions. That isn't the case with mine.

Last night I was looking at pictures on my phone of my kids from about five years ago and I felt sad. The pictures are all gorgeous but behind every photo I know I was an exhausted single mum, desperate for a minute free, probably faking my interaction with them, and I often broke and snapped and shouted. I often went to bed thinking "must do better need to do better" and it was a hard time.

My son (9) can be a bit shouty now.

But I've stopped. And it's catching once you stop. I hate the overload of weariness after I shout. I stopped a few years ago when my stress levels shifted down and work life balance got a bit easier.

I shout way less now and when my son shouts I respond even quieter than normal and I say "there's no need to shout" "you don't need to use that tone" etc, I can see him hearing me finally. (Not always!) but it's much better)

Parenting is hard.

We do our best. I'm trying to forgive myself for being sad all the time when my kids were little. Since they hit about 6 or 7 I've found parenting altogether different. This I can do. I was the same with the little baby stage, loved it.

Exhaustion from single mum-ming ruined a bit in the middle for me.
I hate when there is shouting now. But sometimes you've got to shout to stop something, in the moment, immediately. That happens too!

I do on occasion and I hate it. I’m generally very calm and don’t shout day to day but I really struggled with my emotional regulation since having kids. My own mum shouted a lot at us and lashed out in a rage relatively often. I’m really triggered by the eldest hurting the youngest or willful damage to the house.

I swore I would never do this but i can’t always avoid shouting or even just feeling the anger even if I don’t act on it. I’ve read all the books and am having coaching to help me manage it. It takes a lot of work to move on from your past experiences - I’m so amazed by those that are able to more easily than me, well done if you had crappy parents and have managed to break the cycle.

No never. We speak and treat each other with respect. I used to teach at a Secondary School and learnt to manage my own reactions so as not to escalate my own behaviour to effectively manage situations. And as such I have a teenager that never shouts, moans or even rolls her eyes but talks to me calmly.

Aggressive shouting adults are adults who have lost control and have escalated their behaviour. It does no good to anyone and causes the child to escalate their own behaviour.

Calm, collected adults with speak confidently and with firmness will manage situations better.

There is ofcourse a difference between shouting to a child in a different room to give information, shouting out at a child to warn them of danger, and aggressively shouting at a child (or anyone) because you can't cope with the situation.

No never. Not a shouty household. My teen has never raised their voice to me either. The only person who ever shouted at me was an abusive ex, shouting is just another word for verbal abuse.

Rarely

awful childhood so had to train myself not to copy my parents

shouting at your kids is like your boss shouting at you …. Won’t work

Word for word what I was going to write!

I grew up in a volatile home and struggle with my own emotional regulation because I didn’t have an example of healthy conflict resolution. I really want to break that cycle.

Yes, I do sometimes. Sometimes I know I was being a bit unfair and apologise for it. Other times I point that no one listened when I asked politely and calmly the first three times. I don't think it's ideal, nor do I think it's something to really worry and self-flagellate over. My view is that very few non-abusive parenting choices are as damaging to children as obsessing and becoming anxious over them is. I really do believe that good enough is good enough, and I believe that losing your rag occasionally in the context of a generally warm and loving family is good enough.

I'm not saying that rage is the right response, but hurting a sibling or deliberately damaging the house ARE big deals, and it's fine to get het up about them.

No. Never. I grew up in a very peaceful household.

Please name these strategies, I'm genuinely desperate to learn.

@ladygindiva Good old ones, count to 10 before responding, take deep breaths in the process.

Tone and pitch: You want to be Patrick Stewart / Judi Dench rather than a high pitched, hyper fast speaker. Lower your chin when you talk so that your voice is lower rather than angry and shrill which happens if you tilt your chin up and speak from the throat rather than chest, speak slowly and clearly. It gives you control of the situation and until you can respond like that step away from the situation, providing nobody is in immediate danger.

Body language: Stand still when you speak, no manic gesturing. Legs apart arms by your side not crossed infront of you, in the middle of a room not in a corner or doorway. Don't have things in front of you as a barrier like a table.