To think his behaviour at the zoo was OTT?

[Rizzo8]

My partner and I are on holiday and decided to go to a local zoo. I thought we'd spend some time there then have the rest of the day together to do something else. He is high functioning autistic and acts accordingly at times, so that point matters.

Turns out the zoo is huge and endless. We finally finished walking round the first side after 4 hours!! Around this time I had an Endo flare up and started feeling unwell. I was done and ready to go but partner got annoyed saying the zoo was expensive (it was) and he wanted to make sure he saw everything! He said it was important to him!

That its the same if he goes to a museum, he needs to see everything but has never acted like this. And as this can't trump me feeling ill so in the end he relented. He was nice and comforting eventually, but not before pouting about having to leave. I couldn't believe how childish this was.

AIBU? It really had me thinking twice about things.

The rigidity goes with the territory, OP, sorry. It might sound ridiculous to anyone neurotypical, but it's not to someone with autism.

How interesting. Yes, he may just not be the one for the OP

@LuckySantangelo35 @dreamer24

Water and a banana for endo 🤦🏼‍♀️
Fucking hell, wish I'd just tried that, silly me, could have saved me needing surgery and being on opiate based painkillers whilst writhing on the floor in agony 🙄
I know
the ignorance is astounding

It's hardly 'astounding' is it? If it's not a condition you have or know someone who has it, why would you know anything about it in any detail? How much do you know in any detail about other medical matters that you may not have experienced like what the issues are around having a stoma or a catheter or fibromyalgia or Complex regional pain syndrome?

It wasn't me who suggested water and a banana as I know enough to know I don't know much about it but I had no idea what "an Endo flare" was in the first post as I've never heard that term and didn't associate that wording with endometriosis.

I've heard of endometriosis and am aware at a base general knowledge level it is where womb lining cells start to grow outside the womb. I am aware it can be painful and that women who have it have trouble conceiving but that is the sum total of my knowledge.

There isn't any need to be rude and attack people for 'astounding ignorance' when actually ignorance of any medical condition you have no experience of is the opposite of astounding, it's fairly commonplace.

If you can be bothered to cure our ignorance of the important points about this condition that you think people should know from the perspective of someone who has it, I'm interested and listening as I expect are others.

But astounding ignorance? Not really astounding at all.

Well said @KnightleyAndCocktails

Well. you're clearly very good at your job👏

I was diagnosed this year so a lot is new to me, but reading things like your post help me understand myself. Hyperfocus and/or that ability to ignore physical issues (like being tired, hungry) can be brilliant. I mean, I get shit done!!

But like you say, sometimes it's not actually that healthy, and not understanding that not everyone can do what I do - meaning I get impatient or am unsympathetic unless someone really spells it out to me - are the downsides.

(For me that seems to be what was going on with the OP's partner; I didn't read his response as childish or any of the things the haters are saying. I read it as someone like me: genuinely surprised that 4 hours in and possibly another 2 to go we might have a problem!!)

It's sad to see so many people being so unkind about autism on this thread. Imagine if us autistic people adopted a similar stance towards neurotypicals - I mean, a lot of NT behaviour makes zero sense to me but I don't write NTs off in the same angry sort of way.

Autism isn't a disability for me. It's just a different way of processing information. I do some of that processing incredibly well, much better than NTs, and sometimes NTs do it better than me. The joy of life is that there's space in this world for both. So why the hate towards us??

@Borntorunfast So why the hate towards us??

It’s part of the ‘culture wars’ now 🙄 Hence Kemi Badenoch using it to score points.

@Ansjovis Thanks for your reply, sorry I just saw. I get that people with ASD struggle with stuff but if a grown adults wants to stare at caged animals for so many hours their partner starts suffering from health issue symptoms, and then start pouting, is that the boyfriend OP wants or needs?

@Borntorunfast - I think I read it the same as you, it made sense to me because he's autistic. It also made sense to me why his partner needed to stop the day out too, of course. If you are unwell and in pain, that's that.

One thing I've noticed NT folks struggle with is we need much more context and information than non-autistic people to understand why a change or different course of action is necessary. Simply saying "I feel ill" or "I have an endo flare up" is too vague for me, if I don't know that condition. What does "ill" mean exactly, like what specifically are you experiencing? Pain, discomfort, fatigue? Do you feel sick? Do you need water/toilet/food? Medication or medical attention? What do you need me to do to help? I am actually very good in a crisis if I know what I'm dealing with, or if it's very acute, like someone collapses or something. But someone saying something non specific like "I don't feel well", I'm not sure what to do with that, and it creates anxiety because I just KNOW if they're NT they are silently expecting things of me and I don't know what's the right thing to do or say. I tend to ask questions to try to understand/empathise better with what they are actually going through, and a bit like some people on this thread, they can get mad that I don't already "just know" or they think I don't believe them or something.

The worst of the worst is when someone does this and they are waiting for me to make the decision for them. Like, they want me to suggest cutting the day out short so they don't have to be the one to broach it and feel bad about it. I'm literally not in your body, you need to do what's right for you and your health, don't put that on me.

In summary, unspoken rules/expectations are an absolute autistic nightmare.

Ooof, bit of a rant that! Sorry!

@BobbyBiscuits was op dragged there against her will?
That post is quite full of vitriol isn't it?

Yup, so depressing. Particularly as she doesn't seem to know the difference between neurodiversity and mental health conditions 😬

I think people should not let their opinions on zoos affect their opinion ( but they clearly are )

@DoreenonTill8 I didn't say anyone was dragged anywhere? I'm not sure who's 'vitriol' you refer to.

@BobbyBiscuits if a grown adults wants to stare at caged animals for so many hours their partner starts suffering from health issue symptoms, and then start pouting
Kind of implys the bf was the only one who wanted to do so, and yes the use of 'pouting' comes from the OP, but didn't she come back and say it was inaccurate and dramatic?

Totally hear you. It's such a weird thing, this NT insistence on being vague and then expecting you to "just know" (and the hitting the bloody roof when you don't). How hard is it to be open and honest?

The OP did say in later posts she's been downplaying her symptoms, and so it sounds like that came into play. I understand that being open about how you feel can be hard at times - as here, struggling to come to terms with a horrible, debilitating illness - but it is important in any relationship, not just with someone who is ND.

Getting cross at someone because you haven't communicated your needs properly - I struggle to understand why that's the automatic fault of the other person. NTs are so weird 😂

@DoreenonTill8 yeah, I don't really know do I. From what she said in OP he sounded bang out of order. And tedious.

The older I get, the more I realize I might be autistic myself. I do have a lot of traits, it seems.

I've been in a similar situation to OP's (not endo, but pain), left my then partner to enjoy what were were doing, Ubered to a hotel, took painkillers, went to sleep. I'm an adult, capable person. I promise, I'm not being snarky deliberately, but I honestly don't see why would I need another person with me in a situation like this. To hold my hand or something? I took pills and went to bed, what would my partner do, sit at my bedside? Might as well finish what we were doing.

I've been in reversed situations too, when he was ill. Same solution, everyone's happy.

Now it's different if broken limbs/hospital visits and suchlike are involved, but if all you'll do is take some pills and stay in bed, then I'd definitely would leave the zoo in OP's partner's shoes and certainly wouldn't view myself being somehow wrong. You need to go? Go. I'll finish the activity and come back.

It was more along the lines of his expectations were they would see everything together, so her leaving would not have fixed the issue for him.

I have stage 4 endometriosis. Take your attitude somewhere else.

A range of things can help. You aren't her or anyone's doctor.

Hi op,

yeah…when you feel bad, you don’t want your oartner to pout at leaving :( but then…it does happen to eveeyone to be very excited about something and not so very happy about not being able to??

The comment on the cost was…erm…

But other than that, if he was comforting after…why are you still thinking about it? By that I mean that in every relationship, there is a time where the man will disappoint (same as woman) so…the real question is…is that a deal breaker? You are the only one to know…

Good luck 🌺

With you mentioning hills, is it Belfast zoo? That place is hell to navigate for a healthy fit person let alone having an endo flare up! Congratulations on lasting 4 hours!! How are you feeling today @Rizzo8 ? Have you had chance to discuss the issues and resolved it?

This is the second time you’ve accused the OP of feeling ‘conveniently ill’, when she has made it abundantly clear that when she wasn’t having a flare up the previous day, she had managed to walk for miles, and also made it very clear that the reason she was finding the zoo too much was because she was having a flare up. Her disability was not used as an excuse to simply get out of walking.

Perhaps educate yourself on Endometriosis flare ups. It is known as being one of the most painful health conditions, and the effect it has on many women is life changing. As someone who has both endo and adenomyosis and is prone to unpredictable, extreme pain and bleeding, and has wound up on a resuscitation unit three times in the past two years after haemorrhaging so much blood, three blood transfusions were required on each occasion, I cannot stress enough just how horrible this illness is, and would implore you to demonstrate a little bit more compassion.

The OP also has a disability. It’s clearly a difficult situation to navigate.

Work with what you've got, not what you think you should have.

He doesn't adapt well to sudden changes in plans that affect his pre-set idea of the day. So add contingencies and breakpoints to the plans.

'We'll go to this place. If I feel well, we will go to... and we'll check in with each other. If I start feeling ill, what we will do is I will tell you and we will/I will/you will... and if you feel uncomfortable/it's too noisy/there are hundreds of school children/etc, you will tell me and we will...

That way, it's in the plan from the outset and it won't be a surprise/distraction/stressor to him. And it could help him understand and be more aware of the changing nature of medical conditions.