To think his behaviour at the zoo was OTT?

[Rizzo8]

My partner and I are on holiday and decided to go to a local zoo. I thought we'd spend some time there then have the rest of the day together to do something else. He is high functioning autistic and acts accordingly at times, so that point matters.

Turns out the zoo is huge and endless. We finally finished walking round the first side after 4 hours!! Around this time I had an Endo flare up and started feeling unwell. I was done and ready to go but partner got annoyed saying the zoo was expensive (it was) and he wanted to make sure he saw everything! He said it was important to him!

That its the same if he goes to a museum, he needs to see everything but has never acted like this. And as this can't trump me feeling ill so in the end he relented. He was nice and comforting eventually, but not before pouting about having to leave. I couldn't believe how childish this was.

AIBU? It really had me thinking twice about things.

I'm a geek who loves museums, I like to read all the displays and look.at everything, so going with the kids even can be frustrating as they want to press the buttons and go to the next thing. Obviously, I accommodate my kids as I want them.to be happy but sometimes DP will take them.to the gift shop or cafe while I read a few more things OR if it's close by, I'll go back on my own to finish looking another time.

Personally I feel.yiu could have offered to.go back on your own but idk how poorly you were. The upshot is despite his frustration he did come with you, he is allowed to feel a bit annoyed at the situation imo, it's human

I meant I have no interest in zoos personally but presumably it wasn't cheap to get in and I'd probably want to spend the day there as well in your DP's shoes or at least get a late lunch before heading off.

Can I ask are you the kind of person who always curtails or vetoes activities because of headaches/feeling sick/women's problems.

I used to have a friend like that and it's tiresome always having to accommodate someone else's feeling ill all the time.

Maybe they're actually unwell? I have to veto stuff or drop out last minute because of "women's problems" which is why I'm awake at 6am in pain
I'm on leave from work today and now looking like I have to cancel a contact lens appointment, a blood test, a meet up with friends...
Endo goes from 0-100 in minutes

Would a solution have been that he got you home then went back to see the rest?
I wonder if you can discuss a strategy to deal with this in the future?
I often do a bit of an activity then go to a cafe and rest (due to my disability) while DH (autistic) takes his time. I realise with Endo you probably just wanted to get home though.
Or maybe with things like the zoo there is often an option to go back the next day or similar?

What a lovely disabilist post. There are lots of positive and lovely things about people with autism (I have autism and so does my son) - we just don’t do well with sudden changes in routines and sudden changes in things we’ve got planned - which is what I expect happened here. Yes he should have been more supportive and he did leave eventually - it obviously just threw him. Sometimes we need longer to process things.

When I have been unwell, I don't generally want other people to cut short their day because I am unwell. I would generally either go and sit myself down somewhere or if possible take myself home. Because there's no benefit to me of them losing their day out just because I'm losing mine.

I'd also definitely want to see the whole zoo and if I had known at the beginning I wasn't going to see the whole zoo I would have e.g. picked a route to see the animals I had most interest in first. So it would change the way I would approach the whole day. Obviously you can change approach part way through, but I don't think it's unreasonable not to want to stop immediately i.e. without a chance to see the last animals you had a particular interest in. Obviously people may have an entire opposition to zoos or may have no real interest in them, but given that everyone decided to go to the zoo, presumably that's unlikely to be the case.

I don't think people realise how desperately ill endometriosis can make people feel

If her partner cannot /will not mask enough to make her feel cared for when she is ill then he is not a healthy person to be in a relationship with.

But surely that has to be balanced as well against his need to complete the day and masking isn’t just something you can switch on abd off

it needs an open discussion about how to cope in the future and what strategies- do you go back and rest and he continues. What would happen with children because they might not want to go back

are you in lake Garda as that wildlife park is huge

I don't think people realise how desperately exhausted and sad masking can make autistic people feel.

If a partner cannot/will not accept that an autistic person processes differently, and demand that they mask their feelings and reactions to make them feel comfortable, then they are not a healthy person to be in a relationship with.

I don't think people realise how desperately hard having autism is and how it can make people feel.

If his partner cannot/will not care enough to realise that this isn't something that can be controlled because of what she wants to do, then she is not a healthy person to be in a relationship with.

It is clear she didn't want to spend all day at the zoo, hadn't realised how big it was

Turns out the zoo is huge and endless. We finally finished walking round the first side after 4 hours!!

This clearly isn't someone who wanted to see the second side, and then at this time suddenly conveniently feel ill.

That's my point, if he is a person who is going to react badly when op is ill (and an endo flare is horrible, not trivial) then he isn't a safe partner for op.

Reported for rank anti autistic ableism.

Autistic posters on here should not have to come on here and see this shite. Vile.

Wait wait wait. Why doesn't it go both ways?

As an autistic person, if what you're expecting to happen doesn't, it can be excruciatingly awful. I've mentioned this example on here before - as a middle-aged woman, I have, more than once, broken down crying in the supermarket when I've really wanted a particular thing and they haven't had it. Do you think I choose to feel so bad that that happens? It feels terrible and is really humiliating.

The thing about masking is that it is much, much harder in emotionally heightened situations. It's hard to explain but when something goes awry (not everything, and if things are going really well generally then a setback can be easier to handle - though not always and it's hard to predict) it truly does feel like a need has been violated. It's such a horrendous feeling, and knowing that many neurotypical people think you're basically a big child having a tantrum and should learn to act better makes it worse.

OP's partner handled it badly by lacking the insight to understand that she can't predict a flare up. That is ridiculous and illogical and doesn't bode well for his suitability as a partner. But expecting an autistic person not to be upset that a planned activity is suddenly cut short (especially a "bigger" thing like this) is just unrealistic. It might mean they are incompatible, but it doesn't mean it's the autistic person's fault or that they are unlovable. I am a loving, faithful, affectionate, committed partner; I will also sometimes cry or shut down if something I was looking forward to is suddenly cut off. Does that make me worthless and unsafe as a partner?

She isn't a safe person for him.

You are trivialising endometriosis.

Op was probably powering through pain even to get through the first side.

It's revolting and ableist to suggest she became conveniently ill.

I think it depends on how you handled the situation.

If it had been
" I'm feeling really ill, We need to go home" then I think thats unfair on him, give him the option of staying where possible

However if it had been " I'm feeling really ill, I'm going to go home but you feel free to stay and finish the zoo and meet me back at the hotel later..." Then thats fine, give him the choice of staying.

Yes it sucks that you became ill during the outing, but I can understand wanting to complete the whole activity that has been planned and paid for and the disappointment at not being able to do that (not saying you can help being ill, noone can)

Also be honest...you had expected it to be a fairly short trip as per the beginning of your op. Had you already complained about the amount of time it was taking /size of the zoo before you felt ill? Because if I was your partner, then that would change my thinking a bit as well.

I imagine there was frustration on both parts ...you feeling ill and him disappointed the activity was cut short.

I think a key point is that he did come to realise that you needed to leave and left with you. It was hard from him to not do what he planned and pick up on social cues which I understand will be frustrating. But it seems to be going the right way.

OMG so much this. Nail, head.

If you haven't been in a relationship with someone with endo before you don't necessarily know what it's like and have to learn how it affects someone, about flare ups and the unpredictability, etc.

If you haven't been in a relationship with an autistic person before, you don't necessarily know what it's like and have to learn how it affects someone, about how moving through the world and dealing with its unpredictabilities can be very difficult.

The combination of an unpredictable health issue and a neurodevelopmental difference may mean that these two people aren't right for each other long term. But that is not the fault of either, or the endo or the autism.

I can't believe you are calling me ableist after what you have written about a person with autism.

It isn't revolting to suggest that from her post and her words it seems possible that she made up the illness to do what she wants. That isn't trivialising endometriosis which is an awful illness. It is just a view on a forum where she has asked for opinions.

I don't think DP did anything wrong. He was disappointed but still left with her and cared for her.

So you expect him to accommodate your needs but don't feel you should accommodate his? He's autistic and you changed the plan, that's very difficult for autistics to manage especially when stressed in unfamiliar environments like on holiday. He did leave and support you he just pouted while he processed that 🤷‍♀️

Also be honest...you had expected it to be a fairly short trip as per the beginning of your op. Had you already complained about the amount of time it was taking /size of the zoo before you felt ill? Because if I was your partner, then that would change my thinking a bit as well.

Agreed.

I think tab a bit unreasonable. I'd have gone back by myself, I'm not a child and if the person I was with was enjoying themselves no point in us both losing out. Woukd be different if I didn't know what was wrong with me.

I am autistic.

I agree with both of you. He could have stayed, you could have taken pain killers, rested and either carried on or gone home.