To think his behaviour at the zoo was OTT?

[Rizzo8]

My partner and I are on holiday and decided to go to a local zoo. I thought we'd spend some time there then have the rest of the day together to do something else. He is high functioning autistic and acts accordingly at times, so that point matters.

Turns out the zoo is huge and endless. We finally finished walking round the first side after 4 hours!! Around this time I had an Endo flare up and started feeling unwell. I was done and ready to go but partner got annoyed saying the zoo was expensive (it was) and he wanted to make sure he saw everything! He said it was important to him!

That its the same if he goes to a museum, he needs to see everything but has never acted like this. And as this can't trump me feeling ill so in the end he relented. He was nice and comforting eventually, but not before pouting about having to leave. I couldn't believe how childish this was.

AIBU? It really had me thinking twice about things.

@Rizzo8

It really had me thinking twice about things.

He might be thinking twice about things too.
It's possible that a relationship between two people, one of whom has an illness that makes unpredictability a problem and one of whom has an illness that has unpredictable flare-ups, isn't going to work.

He was nice and comforting eventually, but not before pouting about having to leave. I couldn't believe how childish this was.

So, he was disappointed by having to leave (describing it as "pouting" is a bit unfair, imo) but, when he realised you felt ill, he was nice and comforting?
That's positive, surely?

I could have gone back on my own.

This sounds very reasonable of you.
Why was that not acceptable to him?

Yes and you only suggested that she should have planned better, why is that?
He was grumpy with her because of a condition she can’t help too. I don’t get why only the autism should be considered and not both conditions, or why all forward planning is her job.

I have endo, I also have a brother with ‘severe’ autism, I’m sympathetic to both, I don’t know why some people can only acknowledge one of these conditions.

It's not calling her a liar the poster was simply saying it was convenient the OP got ill just as soon as she didn't get her own way. Coincidences do happen.

The difference is it is never blamed on them being NT. It is rightly blamed on them being scumbags. Autistic people can be arseholes just like anyone else (I'm not, TBC, convinced that the partner was being an arsehole in this case. He might have been, he might not have been, we don't have enough information to know). Some people on this thread have said they are NT and wouldn't have wanted to leave the zoo. So why does the partner's autism matter? Is it so the OP can get more sympathy because she is such a martyr for putting up with a defective partner? Is it to bring out the lovely likes of @hattie43 to tell those of us who are autistic that we are unworthy of love? (BTW Hattie, a lot of personality is inherited, so your unkindness genes will have been passed on if you had kids...). And threads like this ALWAYS bring out that kind of nonsense.

That is the most vile and unnecessary comment I’ve read in a very long time. Just why on earth did you feel the need? There are such things as inside thoughts you know. How unutterably rude, ableist and inappropriate.

Do bad flare ups happen out of nowhere or are you likely to get a worse flare up if you've been pushing yourself? I have a condition (not endo) that I can guarantee will flare up with the combined stress of going abroad/pushing myself too hard one day. I won't feel it at the time but by day 2 or 3 of this my joints will be hurting and I'll be suffering with inflammation. I've learned that I have to pace myself and if I've had a day walking round the city the next day probably needs to be more chilled out

OP, YANBU. I too suffer endometriosis flare ups and they are excruciating, physically unbearable to continue standing and walking through. Another poster said she has to be literally on all fours and concentrating on just breathing through the pain at its worst - I can relate so strongly. Many a time I've had DH almost call an ambulance as he's been horrified by the level of pain it can cause. Not a chance I'd be fit to walk anywhere when it flares up badly, it's quite literally disabling for me. I know some women who use wheelchairs for it when it's bad.

Whenever I've had a bad flare up DH is completely understanding and supportive and would take me straight home (or to a hotel or wherever we needed to be). He wouldn't think twice.

I'm sorry you had this experience. Hope you're feeling better soon, endo is the absolute pits 😢

It can also causes nausea, dizziness, vomiting and fainting
Its a lot of fun

Wow. Some people here are painfully ignorant of endometriosis, you’re going to really have your eyes opened if you ever develop it.

Well said. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy at its worst, I've genuinely thought I was going to die with the pain. And that's not an exaggeration.

Maybe you need to do your research before a day out and see what it entails. I think I would be annoyed if I only ever got to see half a zoo/museum. Nothing to do with being autistic. Also these places are expensive. So I understand your partner's point of view.

I don't think @Rizzo8 has said he said it wasn't acceptable?
Did you have that conversation with him? He could stay and you went back to the hotel?
Was it lights off and silence back in the hotel room? If so, there's not really any option other than to sleep!

It can also causes nausea, dizziness, vomiting and fainting
Its a lot of fun

My favourite symptom of all has to be being unable to urinate or pass a bowel movement without the sensation of being stabbed repeatedly through my lower abdomen, whilst I grip the sink and cry out in pain. That's particularly fun during a bad flare up.

No, you're right - she didn't.
It just seemed such an obvious solution - as she said she could go back by herself - that I assumed he must have not been happy with it.

It's impossible to know if his behaviour was OTT without knowing how long he expressed his disappointment or "pouted" for.
If he expressed his feelings and wasn't happy about it but left and was ok afterwards. I would say it was appropriate given the situation.
If he ranted on and on, made you stay for ages knowing you were in pain and unable to make it back yourself, was unsupportive afterwards and kept harping on about it making you feel bad, it would be another story and OTT.
If he was a neurotypical person, he would be OTT and an arsehole for doing this.

I think they BOTH should have planned, as I said I asked if "you" plural had planned.

I'd also be a bit pissed off if I'd gone for a day out and had to leave halfway through before I'd seen everything I wanted to see/had paid for. Appreciate that you can't help feeling ill, but I'd still be irritated and disappointed.

in the end he relented. He was nice and comforting eventually

That's OK, then, surely?

People are acting as if the OP became ill after 20 mins at the zoo. They had already been there for 4 hours. Any grown man pouting and behaving like a baby because he has to stop doing any activity he’s been doing for 4 hours because his GF is unwell is not a considerate partner.

I’d be putting this one back OP and he can find someone else to stare at a load of meerkats with for as long as he likes.

I have a disability that makes it difficult for me to walk around for long periods.

In this type of situation, I usually just go back to hotel and leave companion (s) to carry on with what they are doing.

As others have said, he is autistic and this behaviour of manifestation of his expression of autism. This behaviour can feel painful to partners as it is a reminder that you and your feelings are not as visible to the ND partner as you might want them to be.

If this behaviour is problematic to you then you have a choice to end the relationship as his behaviour will not change.

Word of caution, expect these expressions of his autistic nature to become much more manifest if you have children, where needing attunement ( to you and the children) and flexibility and anticipating each other's needs and co-operative behaviour and multi-tasking become much more important.

It’s fine to think to yourself a relationship with someone autistic is not for me. No one’s saying ASD can’t be challenging. But really no need and not at all relevant to this thread to come on and show your disgust at the prospect of a child or partner with ASD to people who are posting who are autistic or have children with autism. There are times when it’s ok to not say what you’re thinking and this is one of them!

RareLemur

It's impossible to know if his behaviour was OTT without knowing how long he expressed his disappointment or "pouted" for.

That tends to be the trouble with AIBU threads - you only get one person's point of view.

On another point, I'm supposing the relationship is fairly long term if they've gone on holiday together but I wonder, if when they first got together, they were aware of each other's diagnoses.
It sounds harsh, but I'd be wary about starting on a relationship with someone whose diagnosis meant that some unpredictability was inescapable if my own diagnosis meant that having things set out predictably was important to me and vice versa.
Perhaps thinking again, as the OP suggests, would be better for them both.

I was thinking that it could be the monkey zoo in Dorset, which has at least one very bad hill, especially if you are in a wheelchair, or there is another very hilly zoo in Exmoor in North Devon.

As someone who has endo also, these replies are really insulting.
His disability doesn’t trump her chronic illness.
Op you need to have serious chat with him about ways to deal with your flare ups. Or you need to bin him unfortunately.
You know how serious they can get, what happens if you are out and you need to go to A&E? Is he going to leave you passed out screaming on the path or in the ambulance alone because he hasn’t seen everything in the store?

Before anyone comes at me I have been hospitalised multiple times for this illness, you will never understand the pain unless you have it.

His disability doesn’t trump her chronic illness.

Neither does her condition trump his.

She wanted to leave though, and they both left. So what's the issue? It's ok to be annoyed about having to leave. I hate having to leave places bc of my disability so o can only imagine others would also feel that way.

Ultimately though, he supported her.

@LaMarschallin to explain why this hasn't really come up before:

• my Endo didn't affect the relationship until recently. My treatment stopped working effectively three months ago. I've sought help with this and I'm waiting for an operation to remove the endrioma. But I can't fully know when a flare up will happen. However, I can be prepared with heat packs etc in future

• likewise we've never not completed an exhibit or activity apart from once usually because these symptoms didn't exist before. I also wonder if he was masking more before.