Page 7 | To think his behaviour at the zoo was OTT?

Rizzo8 · 2024-10-14T22:55:36+00:00

My partner and I are on holiday and decided to go to a local zoo. I thought we'd spend some time there then have the rest of the day together to do something else. He is high functioning autistic and acts accordingly at times, so that point matters. Turns out the zoo is huge and endless. We finally finished walking round the first side after 4 hours!! Around this time I had an Endo flare up and started feeling unwell. I was done and ready to go but partner got annoyed saying the zoo was expensive (it was) and he wanted to make sure he saw everything! He said it was important to him! That its the same if he goes to a museum, he needs to see everything but has never acted like this. And as this can't trump me feeling ill so in the end he relented. He was nice and comforting eventually, but not before pouting about having to leave. I couldn't believe how childish this was. AIBU? It really had me thinking twice about things.

Borntorunfast · 15/10/2024 11:45

CrazyGoatLady · 15/10/2024 01:43

Ahh, yep, I recognise this! My DH is autistic and really struggles when stuff doesn't go to plan, I'm AuDHD, and I do struggle too, but I think am a little more flexible than he is. I also think I've learned (through female socialisation mainly) not to externalise how I feel if someone with me is ill or tired or something and that changes our plans. I will cope in the moment and then have a shutdown later - the anxiety and awful feelings that come up when something is changed at short notice get squished because I am absolutely able to objectively see that another person's health and wellbeing comes first. But my experience of classically autistic men is that they don't/can't filter so much - maybe partly wiring and partly male socialisation.

It sounds like he was able to externalise, cope and then step up though, which is a good thing. I completely get that an autistic reaction, to a non-autistic person, can seem childish and OTT, but it's sometimes better to self-regulate through getting the feelings out and then you can reorientate, rather than trying to fake being supportive and sulking, or bottling it up like I often do and then ending up having to go to bed for 4hrs!

Interestingly it sounds like he was quite tired too but maybe didn't realise it. That may have contributed to how he reacted too. Autistic folks often have poor interoceptive awareness, which means we are not always able to discern when hungry, tired, thirsty, etc. If you combine that with the laser focus monotropism that many of us also have, it can be a pretty bad recipe for getting very focused on a thing (such as seeing an entire zoo) and ignoring all bodily needs to achieve it. Because we can tune out messages from our own bodies until they are literally screaming at us, it can feel baffling to that a neurotypical person would need to stop a thing they really want to do because of pain or fatigue. Like, where's your override switch? Oh wait, you mean not everyone has one?! 😂

OMG are you me?!! That's such a brilliant description of how it is for someone on the spectrum it should be taught in school :)

(I also struggled to understand why people just can't keep going and going and going and put off the need to sit/eat/go to the loo, I mean, what's wrong with you, oh, hold on, it's not you it's meeeeeee 😂)

Mirabai · 15/10/2024 11:48

I don’t think autism has much to do with this. Ok it makes it trickier to change plans. But a NT man would be disappointed at having to leave a day out and a NT man may have less rather than more sympathy with any kind of illness or disability.

DoreenonTill8 · 15/10/2024 11:49

Excellent post @Detchi and it's oft advice that you seen on here!

ItsTheGAGGGGGGGGG · 15/10/2024 11:52

Pigeonqueen · 15/10/2024 07:26

What a lovely disabilist post. There are lots of positive and lovely things about people with autism (I have autism and so does my son) - we just don’t do well with sudden changes in routines and sudden changes in things we’ve got planned - which is what I expect happened here. Yes he should have been more supportive and he did leave eventually - it obviously just threw him. Sometimes we need longer to process things.

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Exactly. There seem to be a lot of people in relationships with those that have disabilities yet somehow don’t seem to understand how the disability impacts their partner.

OP, surely you’d know that maybe your partner doesn’t react well to sudden change? I’m not sure if you want strangers on the internet to slander him because that’s what it seems like

KnightleyAndCocktails · 15/10/2024 11:59

It's like when people become a couple they lose part of their rational mind.

If you were with friends, the one who felt ill or had had enough would leave go home or go to the hotel, and the rest would carry on if they wanted to.

When you are in a couple its find to go your separate ways for whatever reason,you aren't joined at the hip. If he's that interested, he'd be happy to go round by himself.

dreamer24 · 15/10/2024 11:59

@GhostCicada

It's not an excellent post. It's ridiculous.

Ok... that's your opinion and I am equally entitled to mine, which is that it was an excellent post. That's sort of how opinions work, they're individual 🤷‍♀️

LaMarschallin · 15/10/2024 12:05

ItsTheGAGGGGGGGGG

I’m not sure if you want strangers on the internet to slander him because that’s what it seems like

Certainly the ill-advised, imo, use of "pouting" has caused another poster to extrapolate that he was "pouting and acting like a baby".
I've looked at the OP's posting history, (what can I tell you? I'm stuck in bed at the moment, bored and Advanced Search exists...) there are a lot of things about her boyfriend that annoy her.
Maybe he's just not The One.
Maybe she's a bit more high maintenance than she realises.
Maybe a bit of both.

NoahsTortoise · 15/10/2024 12:06

Tbh OP it sounds like he handled it quite well, bearing in mind he's autistic?

He wanted to stay but then overcame that and came home with you when you wanted to leave.

Original poster

Rizzo8 · 15/10/2024 12:07

@NoahsTortoise I think you're right.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rizzo8 · 15/10/2024 12:11

LaMarschallin · 15/10/2024 11:12

That's quite positive then. He wouldn't have enjoyed things as much without you so obviously values your company, and it sounds he would have felt bad about you returning alone, especially as you felt you were about to drop and were having difficulty moving.
I'd certainly be worried about letting someone go off by themselves if they told me they felt that.
Ultimately, he stepped up and did the right thing and was nice and comforting once he understood.
He obviously didn't understand the unpredictable nature of endo before and you didn't realise leaving before seeing everything would be an issue for him.
These things happen; I suppose it depends now on whether you both want the relationship to continue.
Hope it works well in the end for you both.

Edited

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This post sums it up exactly.

We've both had gaps in our understanding for each other.

he didn't realize the unpredictability of Endo - this is because I have been managing ok. It is also because I'm not good at talking about it because having the condition upsets me so much. I need to spend a bit of time teaching him about it.

yes I didn't realize he important it was for him to finish the trip. I've learned more about how things not going to plan affects him.

Lastly I haven't been to a zoo in 20 years. I didn't realize it would take up our whole day.

OP posts:

ImNoSuperman · 15/10/2024 12:14

Summerlilly · 15/10/2024 10:29

As someone who has endo also, these replies are really insulting.
His disability doesn’t trump her chronic illness.
Op you need to have serious chat with him about ways to deal with your flare ups. Or you need to bin him unfortunately.
You know how serious they can get, what happens if you are out and you need to go to A&E? Is he going to leave you passed out screaming on the path or in the ambulance alone because he hasn’t seen everything in the store?

Before anyone comes at me I have been hospitalised multiple times for this illness, you will never understand the pain unless you have it.

As someone who has stage 4 endo and ASD, I find your reply very insulting.

His disability doesn't have a cure, he can't have an operation to remove any of it to lessen the symptoms. He can't take ibuprofen, use a heat pad, increase his magnesium, zinc, vit d and omega 3 intake to help reduce symptoms either.

Your comment about leaving her passed out and screaming in pain is hugely offensive, he's autistic not a sadist.

easylikeasundaymorn · 15/10/2024 12:23

Rizzo8 · 15/10/2024 10:47

He insisted we leave together.

I think I should suggest I'll be ok if he wants to complete the day by himself. I suspect the point is he wants to do it as a shared activity.

As a side note, the zoo was an additional activity we went to do after another main activity in the morning because it was closeby. I therefore didn't realise leaving after 4 hours would be an issue. Now I know it is.

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so it's his issue then. you were ill, you would go back to hotel by yourself.
he could have stayed and carried on, the fact he didn't want to is on him.
he didn't 'have' to leave, he chose to leave, so he is being completely pathetic to pout about his own decision!

I don't have any sort of chronic condition and would have been completely zoo-ed out well before 4 hours (let alone the previous activity) so you've got nothing to apologise for!

Summerlilly · 15/10/2024 12:29

ImNoSuperman · 15/10/2024 12:14

As someone who has stage 4 endo and ASD, I find your reply very insulting.

His disability doesn't have a cure, he can't have an operation to remove any of it to lessen the symptoms. He can't take ibuprofen, use a heat pad, increase his magnesium, zinc, vit d and omega 3 intake to help reduce symptoms either.

Your comment about leaving her passed out and screaming in pain is hugely offensive, he's autistic not a sadist.

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Then you should know that her illness doesn’t have a cure either, and none of those drugs or surgery do anything to lessen the symptoms for most people who suffer endo.

Hence why I stated she needed to chat with him about strategies to deal with her flare ups.
You aren’t him, you don’t know that he may be so insistent next time and decide he must stay while she can’t walk again.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/10/2024 12:30

Ramblomatic · 15/10/2024 10:41

In his defense zoos are fucking awesome, I'd be gutted if I only only got to see half, especially if I was leaving the best for last.

@Ramblomatic

whats awesome about caged up animals living in captivity who should be out living in the wild in their natural habitat as nature intended?

outforawalkbiatch · 15/10/2024 12:32

ImNoSuperman · 15/10/2024 09:17

@Rizzo8 Do you carry heat pads/belts, ibuprofen and plenty of water and have a banana before going on days out with your bf? Manage expectations and symptoms before a flare.
Gentle exercise, such as walking around the zoo, is beneficial to endo, even stage 4.

Your bfs reaction wasn't OTT. Imo he handled the change of plans in the middle of them, very well. It isn't the first trip out so you are aware of his needs to complete a task (see every exhibit), he is fairly predicatable based on that.

You're being unreasonable expecting him to change without issue for your illness that you can manage but isn't as predictable.

Maybe you shouldn't be together if you think he's OTT for being autistic.

I guess it depends how bad her flares are at the minute
I'm currently on morphine for mine so ibuprofen and gentle walking isn't an option
Heat helps sometimes but I need it burning hot

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/10/2024 12:34

outforawalkbiatch · 15/10/2024 12:32

I guess it depends how bad her flares are at the minute
I'm currently on morphine for mine so ibuprofen and gentle walking isn't an option
Heat helps sometimes but I need it burning hot

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@ImNoSuperman

i don’t think you know much about endo…water and a banana are gonna help fuck all with a flare up

Suddenfeelingofsadness · 15/10/2024 12:37

I'm someone who needs to see everything and I want to get the most out of every experience. I would also be sympathetic to someone with endo though.

dreamer24 · 15/10/2024 12:38

Water and a banana for endo 🤦🏼‍♀️

Fucking hell, wish I'd just tried that, silly me, could have saved me needing surgery and being on opiate based painkillers whilst writhing on the floor in agony 🙄

ImaginativeUserName123 · 15/10/2024 12:53

I sometimes wonder if I have endo. I can be doubled over for no reason.
I find this thread very interesting. My DH isn't sure if he's on the spectrum. We sometimes have meltdowns and behaviour that looks like that of a five year old if he doesn't get to do things his way. My teen made him some chips and instead of eating it and saying thank you. He hid under the duvet and moaned loudly that she put cheese on them. Who puts cheese on chips? Even she said what's wrong with you dad, you look like a toddler. He doesn't do too well with change either. I can see why you would be frustrated with him OP. I get frustrated with DH a lot.

TopshopCropTop · 15/10/2024 13:03

RelationshipOrNot · 15/10/2024 11:23

It's offensive to describe autistic people as behaving like babies. Do you use this kind of insulting terminology about other disabilities or conditions? If not, why not?

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I apologise for this I missed the part in the OP where it was mentioned that the DP is autistic. My comment therefore was completely unrelated to the fact this guy is autistic and completely to do with his behaviour. However I apologise none the less for not spotting in the OP that that was the reason.

NewName24 · 15/10/2024 13:35

Rizzo8 · 15/10/2024 12:11

This post sums it up exactly.

We've both had gaps in our understanding for each other.

he didn't realize the unpredictability of Endo - this is because I have been managing ok. It is also because I'm not good at talking about it because having the condition upsets me so much. I need to spend a bit of time teaching him about it.

yes I didn't realize he important it was for him to finish the trip. I've learned more about how things not going to plan affects him.

Lastly I haven't been to a zoo in 20 years. I didn't realize it would take up our whole day.

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Good. I'm glad this thread has been helpful to you and you can see a way to make communication and understanding between both of you better in the future.

I've learned a lot about endometritis from the thread too.
It is interesting that you (in your OP) have made the assumption that everyone immediately knows the impact of the condition, on you.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/10/2024 14:18

dreamer24 · 15/10/2024 12:38

Water and a banana for endo 🤦🏼‍♀️

Fucking hell, wish I'd just tried that, silly me, could have saved me needing surgery and being on opiate based painkillers whilst writhing on the floor in agony 🙄

I know @dreamer24

the ignorance is astounding

CrazyGoatLady · 15/10/2024 14:49

Rizzo8 · 15/10/2024 10:48

@Summerlilly exactly. As a person with this chronic condition, I carry around guilt about not being 'normal' and also felt guilt for not being able to complete the visit.

See also the guilt autistic people often carry when our reactions and needs aren't what other people think are proportionate or normal. So perhaps you have something in common there.

It kinda sounds like what you want in a partner is whenever you have a flare up, no matter the situation or the impact on them, they must immediately go into caretaking mode and express no feelings about any impact on them at all, because if they do it makes you feel guilty. Which is not realistic even when you have a neurotypical partner tbh. Each of you in a relationship has to be able to tolerate the other not being ok sometimes, whether that's physical or emotional. You can't demand that a partner expresses no negative feelings about your illness sometimes cutting short your shared activities and enjoyment because it makes you feel bad. At the same time, he shouldn't pressure you to continue doing something when you are ill and in pain because he can't possibly tolerate his own negative feelings about changing plans because his partner is unwell.

FWIW, DH and I have had some barneys in our time over pregnancy or illness cutting things short, as he was raised to "tough it out". I think men find women's physical health issues incredibly hard to comprehend at times as they are often invisible, I think DH thought pregnancy was akin to just carrying a bit of extra weight! Being a bloke is no an excuse, but I have had to explain in no uncertain (and sometimes graphic!) terms why carrying on regardless wasn't an option in those situations. Autistic people also often need more context and "why" so it may help your partner to understand more about your condition if he has more information.

CrazyGoatLady · 15/10/2024 14:56

Borntorunfast · 15/10/2024 11:45

OMG are you me?!! That's such a brilliant description of how it is for someone on the spectrum it should be taught in school :)

(I also struggled to understand why people just can't keep going and going and going and put off the need to sit/eat/go to the loo, I mean, what's wrong with you, oh, hold on, it's not you it's meeeeeee 😂)

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I'm a clinical learning and development manager (formerly a psychologist). A large part of my job is educating healthcare practitioners about autism and other neurodivergences (ADHD, dyslexia, etc) from the lived experience perspective. So I'm really glad to know it resonated and made sense! Thank you!

Sometimes it's really helpful being able to keep going - but other times it's just not, like when there's nothing in between "yeah I sort of need the loo a bit but not for ages yet" and "eeek I'm about to wet myself"!

😂

ByTealShaker · 15/10/2024 14:58

He should have been more aware of your needs, but I understand that sometimes autistic people can have a bit of a blockage when it comes to awareness of others. Maybe have a chat with him and explain why you feel let down. If he is still unreasonable, then you need to decide whether being with him is worth it.