To think his behaviour at the zoo was OTT?

[Rizzo8]

My partner and I are on holiday and decided to go to a local zoo. I thought we'd spend some time there then have the rest of the day together to do something else. He is high functioning autistic and acts accordingly at times, so that point matters.

Turns out the zoo is huge and endless. We finally finished walking round the first side after 4 hours!! Around this time I had an Endo flare up and started feeling unwell. I was done and ready to go but partner got annoyed saying the zoo was expensive (it was) and he wanted to make sure he saw everything! He said it was important to him!

That its the same if he goes to a museum, he needs to see everything but has never acted like this. And as this can't trump me feeling ill so in the end he relented. He was nice and comforting eventually, but not before pouting about having to leave. I couldn't believe how childish this was.

AIBU? It really had me thinking twice about things.

She hasn't said this at all. In fact, she specifically said: "Around this time I had an Endo flare up and started feeling unwell." Why just assume she was concealing how she felt?

This.

You don't need to be joined at the hip - I don't have your problem but I have before gone and left DH at something I could no longer manage , or been very explicit if I needs help to get home. And I wouldn't expect him to hang around if he felt unwell or just didn't like what I liked

Zoos are cruel

Well because my condition has "flares" but that doesn't mean it isn't there at a lower level all the time. During which time I mask being well.

No, by learning it over time. Just like NT people do.

I can see both sides here and neither of you were being unreasonable. You felt ill and wanted to go home and he wanted to see the rest of the zoo he paid to see. I'd have had a word with the zoo entrance staff and mentioned you were unwell and see if you can get a free return.

I get that (I have a condition with flare-ups too) but she specifically said she "started" feeling unwell, in her account which presents only her side (i.e. had she been feeling unwell earlier, it would be to her advantage to have mentioned it, so it's more likely that the "started" is true). Sorry for being pedantic.

I can see a bit of both sides here. Obviously health comes first, but, from the other side a zoo is normally a day trip - you saw half the zoo in half a day so it would feel a bit like not getting a full day out it.

But we're not NT and can't learn away our autism. If it worked like that, autism wouldn't be a real thing or have any noticeable effect on our lives, would it? That doesn't make any sense. If I could learn not to cry in public when things go wrong, don't you think I would? How would it make sense for me not to want to do that, if it was possible?

Agree, I think planning for what to do when this happens in the future is a good idea. Neither OPs endo nor DPs autism are going away. If they both want to continue in the relationship, they will both have to learn how to cope when the two things rub up against each other, so to speak.

I would say the best thing would be to have an understanding that in situations where OPs endo means she can't cope but she's fit to go home by herself and doesn't need care, that's what should happen. No expectation that she stay, or that DP leave early.

Perhaps if this is the case then in future instead of masking the OP needs to speak up. Slowing introducing the idea that the day may not go as originally planned and talking through the options(I go, you stay/we pick the bits we want to see most then go/whatever) rather than suddenly 'being done' could help alleviate some of the angst.

Expecting him just to be able to turn off his autism because her endo has flared is always going be a recipe for disaster but if she like you said knew for hours before hand that things may not go to plan but hid or 'masked' it then the opportunity was there for her to show understanding of his condition and care for him and pre warn him that a full day out may not be possible for her and to plan for that.

How long have you been together? If it's been years and he's witnessed plenty of flare ups then the situation isn't going to get better. If it's a new relationship and he's only seen you have flare ups on a couple of occassions, I would cut him some slack as he probably doesn't appreciate how quickly you can go from being fine to in lots of pain. If someone's never experienced, for themselves, a condition where you can be ok one minute and really unwell the next, it may take even a NT person some time to understand how important it is for the unwell person to go and rest asap.

I think it's unfair to put neurotypical expectations onto someone who is autistic. To anyone else the behaviour is clearly OTT and unreasonable but he's not a neurotypical person so shouldn't be expected to act that way, just as with your disability you shouldn't be expected to be able to do the things that someone without that condition can do. I think you both need to communicate your needs and find some compromise. It's difficult being in a relationship with an autistic person, especially if you're expecting that person to only show their autistic traits when it suits you

He has a point! You’ve already paid to get in so you should really make the. OST of it! Or if you don’t want to let him stay and you go back to hotel or sit in the cafe with cup of tea and a book! I’d be annoyed if I was enjoying somewhere and was made to leave!!

It's not a bloody death sentence. Maybe do some actual research instead of finding all your info on Mumsnet. The autistic spectrum isn't something to be terrified of, there are plenty of wonderful, smart, funny, successful people who happen to be on the spectrum

Do you know how incredibly unhealthy and detrimental masking is?

That's what autism is like in some people though. I know sometimes I get a plan fixed in my head and I don't realise it's there until something happens to contradict it. I've been in similar situations before where such a plan has been in opposition to the needs of someone I care about and when that happens it's deeply frustrating. I can see the response I want to give, that I need to give in order to be a caring human being, I just can't 'get' there. Unless you're neurodivergent and have been in that situation you have no idea how difficult it is.

Are you the person who posted about him insisting on walking when you want to take the bus? It sounds like this relationship isn't working very well...

Literally no reason at all for you to post this. It wasn’t the topic of the thread. What a hateful low life you are. An autistic person would probably never deliberately post something so vile and offensive. They may inadvertently offend on occasion but would never stoop to the this type of low level behaviour on purpose. Please don’t have children there’s a chance they may inherit your disgusting personality traits.

YANBU.

My carer invented the 'Universal sashh rule', this means that at any point when we are out and I need to sit, go home or whatever that is what happens.

You need something like that.

I have arthritis rather than endo but I imagine they are similar in that they are unpredictable.

Autistic learning is different. Autistic people can find it more difficult to apply learning across different contexts. Most also have some degree of difficulty with cognitive flexibility, which means it can be harder to do things like assimilate different points of view and imagine things being different to how they are. This is why it's harder to cope with sudden unexpected change.

Yes, you can learn to respond in a NT way to things. I have done that, because I was taught that my autistic reactions weren't ok and I was not diagnosed as a kid, so nobody knew why I was that way - I was just "oversensitive" or "difficult". So I just hid everything through shame about being like that.

My autistic brother, who was diagnosed, was given much more leeway and his behaviour never corrected, because autism. He has never learned to cope as an adult and can be really awful to people when they don't do things how he wants or things don't go to plan. He has no life skills to cope and self medicates with drugs and alcohol.

The difference between how autistic boys and girls are identified and raised IME (worked in educational and child/adolescent and family therapy settings) is still quite evident. Boys still get far more tolerance than girls do and are generally expected to mask less. Possibly, hence why OP's partner doesn't mask as much as she thinks he should.

Neither model of raising autistic people that I experienced is healthy. You can't ask us to always mask all our feelings AND do the right thing with a smile, so the NTs around us never have to deal with our emotions because they're too intense and weird for them, but it's also not okay to be shitty to people because something doesn't go your way and perfectly fine to teach an autistic child not to rage, hit or yell or say nasty things.

Needing to go home early because you feel ill does not = being shitty. Expressing disappointment does not = being shitty. Both things can exist and be accommodated - and will need to in this relationship if it's going to work.

It isn’t about his wanting to see the whole zoo, or you being in pain and needing to leave. What he struggled with is plans suddenly changing.

Rightly or wrongly, this is how life with him will be. So you can’t change him, and you need to accept this if you are going to stay together, and stop making it A v B. You may have to do what you need to do (go back to hotel) and let him do what he needs to do (see all of the zoo)

I don't really get the problem. You wanted him to leave and comfort you, he left and comforted you. It's ok for him to also be a bit unhappy about having to do so. The end result here is that he did exactly what you wanted, and you are still not happy. Man can't win.

It is hard though, and I can see why relevant. Being in a relationship with an autistic person can be really hard, my ex-husband is autistic, and it can, depending on the person, require a lot of work to be understanding and accommodate their extra needs. My ex struggled to understand social cues so I used to be on edge in a lot of situations (maybe as much my problem as his). It's not easy and whilst you love who you love, getting into a relationship with someone who is autistic means you need to be prepared for that.

I now have an autistic daughter (not with my ex) and again it's hard. She is not severely autistic, probably would be described as high functioning and she's great, like all parents I wouldn't change things, but it is difficult. It is a set of additional needs. And to be fair, given the nature of this site as being somewhere we come to air problems, if this is what you base your judgement upon then yes I can see how it looks terrible from the outside looking in. There are stories of people being happy with autistic partners, there are stories of people being happy parents to autistic kids but you won't see them on a forum used primarily for advice.