To think his behaviour at the zoo was OTT?

[Rizzo8]

My partner and I are on holiday and decided to go to a local zoo. I thought we'd spend some time there then have the rest of the day together to do something else. He is high functioning autistic and acts accordingly at times, so that point matters.

Turns out the zoo is huge and endless. We finally finished walking round the first side after 4 hours!! Around this time I had an Endo flare up and started feeling unwell. I was done and ready to go but partner got annoyed saying the zoo was expensive (it was) and he wanted to make sure he saw everything! He said it was important to him!

That its the same if he goes to a museum, he needs to see everything but has never acted like this. And as this can't trump me feeling ill so in the end he relented. He was nice and comforting eventually, but not before pouting about having to leave. I couldn't believe how childish this was.

AIBU? It really had me thinking twice about things.

I think the OP and partner need to understand each others needs better and decide on how to deal with things like this so in future it is easier .

Wouldn’t this solution have catered for both your needs? Why does your need to rest (I have CFS, so understand) trump his need for completion? You’re not joined at the hip.

If you are going to stay together you are going to need to work out accommodations for both of you. I have multiple health issues and have an autistic child. As a family we have to make plans - sometimes complicated - to make sure everyone's needs are met.

If you know you could have a flare at any time you need to have a plan for when you have had enough. If you know your partner needs to finish his visit to the zoo you have to have a plan for that.

In this case you needed to plan your day so that you could have headed off when things got too much and he could continue.

Wow. Some people here are painfully ignorant of endometriosis, you’re going to really have your eyes opened if you ever develop it.

A convenient flare up?

I've never even suffered from this, but WTF?!

It's when people call illness when they don't want to do something. People who only ever have a migraine on a Monday, or a D&V when a night out with people they're not keen on rolls round.

Wow, my eldest daughter has high functioning autism and I cannot for one second imagine a more fiercely loyal and amazing partner.

I’m not autistic but if I go somewhere on holiday I have to see everything. It might be the only chance I have to go there.

My DH has a chronic stomach complaint and diabetes but he manages these himself. He also goes round museums at a faster pace than me. He spends a lot of time sitting in cafes waiting for me to come out of a museum or ruin, and has been known to go back early to our hotel. But he always says it’s my holiday as much as his. If he suddenly became really ill, obviously I would look after him, but we have an agreement and code so that I know when he really needs me or when he can tootle back by himself.

So I have sympathy for your DH. Obviously for you too, and he did come back with you. But in doing so he did miss out on something that was important to him. If you have a chronic condition that can flare up, you need to work out between you how to handle it when it happens again.

@Uselessatbeingaperson

But why would someone's mind automatically leap to this?
Mumsnet truly is bizarre at times.

Exactly, what i was going to say.

Oh, good. Another thread designed specifically to bash autistic people. This shit is getting old.

Because people have experience of people.

Why didn't you go back to hotel and leave him to finish at the zoo?

I like to think there are some people who come to threads like this one who are interested in hearing the neurodivergent point of view. Even if there's one person reading who sees my post and starts to think about things differently it's worth it.

It is sad though. Every single person who has said to me that they accept me as I am really means "I accept you until something happens that doesn't fit with what I perceive to be normal behaviour".

@Rizzo8 Do you carry heat pads/belts, ibuprofen and plenty of water and have a banana before going on days out with your bf? Manage expectations and symptoms before a flare.
Gentle exercise, such as walking around the zoo, is beneficial to endo, even stage 4.

Your bfs reaction wasn't OTT. Imo he handled the change of plans in the middle of them, very well. It isn't the first trip out so you are aware of his needs to complete a task (see every exhibit), he is fairly predicatable based on that.

You're being unreasonable expecting him to change without issue for your illness that you can manage but isn't as predictable.

Maybe you shouldn't be together if you think he's OTT for being autistic.

Some days I have the energy to educate. Today is not one of those days. Thank you for being the person who does, today.

No, there’s no justification for calling OP a liar based on nothing at all. Womens pain gets dismissed enough already thanks.

Well my husband of nearly 40 years is not, as far as anyone knows, autistic, but he absolutely has to scrutinise every information board, display etc. to within an inch of its life. I just go for a coffee. If I was feeling unwell I would probably make my own way back to the accommodation. If I was ‘ill ill’ he’d accompany me as I would him. Unless you were physically incapable of walking unaided, you could have gone back to your digs.

I would never have a relationship with a neurotypical person, I find them unpredictable, shallow and untrustworthy. Horses for courses eh 🤷‍♀️

Your DH has a condition which means he struggles when plans change and when things aren't completed...

Sounds like you didn't do the research first: how big is the zoo? How long will it take us to go round?

Did you vocalise your plan that it wouldn't be a whole day trip?

But is your carer in paid employment?
That would be a bizarre, controlling relationship to have a 'Universal MrTill8 rule' where everything had to be moulded to them and they said what and when and it HAD to be followed.

@crackofdoom

Absolutely. People have relationships with those they feel comfortable with . There are lots of people others would avoid , animal abusers , reform supporters , bank robbers can be anything you're not compatible or comfortable with .

I get what you are saying but I think there has been a lot of good info to counter the ableist posts. I am still somewhat newly late-diagnosed (yeah that’s confusing) and it has been helpful for me to read.

And to counter the ‘autistic people are bad in relationships’ posts, what’s the excuse of all of those scumbags we read about on here who are NT? 🤔

OP has a condition that means she can be in sudden excruciating pain, why do you fail to acknowledge that? Why does he hold no responsibility for planning?

Because the specific issues came up because of the fact the zoo took a lot longer to go around? Because OP is grumpy at DH for acting exactly as his condition would make him react due to the lack of planning? Because OP's condition is somewhat unpredictable whereas DH's is more predictable and could be planned around? Because OP already had different expectations than DH and it's relevant if she communicated those?

The first "did you" was aimed at both of them, hence "us", the second was at OP as she had the expectations of going elsewhere.